


Cas, the King of Karaoke

by Speary



Series: A Song for Us [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mystery, attorney!Cas, attorney!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-25 05:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 66
Words: 142,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2609654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story about an attorney, Cas, who had a night out with friends that he can't quite remember. He remembers that they were celebrating his promotion, but not much else. His friend, Gabe, though, has a video that might just explain it all. Of course, new memories lead to complications and a world of dangers that Cas cannot seem to escape.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Saturday Morning News

* * *

 

 

The incessant pounding was going to drive him insane. _Why do they feel the need to pester me? Is it too much to ask for a little mercy?_ The pounding continues. Pillows. His hand gropes about for one that is not already firmly beneath his head. Finding one he grips it tight and drags it over his face. Not enough. There is still pounding. It is coming from inside his head too. He hugs the pillow to his face then with resignation.

He pulled the pillow away from his face and dragged his eyelids open. _Too much light._ Next there are voices. Gabe’s voice to be exact and Anna’s. The muffled sounds of others are in the background. _Why are they still here? Seriously, don’t they have homes?_ He gave up and pulled himself out of the bed with as much force as he could muster.

“I’m coming. Stop pounding on the door.” He opened the door in the midst of Gabe’s next volley of knocks and was greeted by way more light streaming in from the living room than his eyes were ready for.

“Rise and shine sleeping beauty.” Gabe’s sing-song voice was irritating. Everything was irritating. He strolled into the room only to move to Cas’ back and propel him out into the light. “How’s your head?”

“I will smite you, Gabe. Stop talking.” Cas stumbled from the room. Anna stood off to the side watching it all play out with mild amusement.

“Use your inside voice, Gabe.” She smiled at Cas as he was taking in the chaos of his living room.

“I was.” Gabe smirked. “Also, really Cas, who says smite? I swear, you are from another time.” He moved past Cas to the kitchen. “I made breakfast. You have the most raidable pantries. Do you know what is in my kitchen right now?” He waited for barely a second, clearly not expecting a response before proceeding. “A can of stewed tomatoes and a box of Cheerios. Seriously. I don’t even have fresh milk in the fridge right now. If I didn’t live down the hall, I would probably have to cave in and go to a grocery store.”

“Let me break this down into simple language for you.” Cas leaned against the counter. “You are loud. Quiet now.”

Anna laughed and made her way to the coffee pot. She poured out a full mug and carried it over to Cas. “Here, maybe this will help.” Her voice was quiet, a welcome reprieve.

“Thank you. Nectar of the gods, hmm.” He cupped it in his hands and made his way over to the dining room table next to the kitchen. He leaned into the cup breathing in the earthiness before taking a first sip. He looked at his couch and smiled a little at the sight that greeted him. Uriel was sprawled out with his head tipped back over the cushions in a manner that could only be comfortable if one were as hungover as Cas was. “How are you feeling Uriel?”

“No talking.” he grunted. “Keep Gabe quiet.”

He had to laugh at that, but it was a quick laugh. Too much hurting. He did not usually drink that much. It did not appeal to him. He certainly did not enjoy the after-effects. He had made partner at the firm, and what better way to celebrate than with drinks on a Friday night? At least that was how Gabe put it. So what, if he really never drank. So what, if he felt like drunk people were depressing. So what, if they reminded him of his ex.

Anna, Gabe, Uriel, and Sam were his comrades that night. “Wingmen” was how Uriel put it. Anna had been quick to add “Wingwoman” to the mix. He had counted them as his best friends. They had put up with a lot from him over the years, and they kept him from being a complete recluse.

They all worked for the same firm. He and Gabe had graduated from the same university. Sam was the newest member of their group. He was, as Gabe put it, “fresh meat.” Sam had just graduated from Stanford, and seemed to be quite skilled at research and dissembling, two talents that served him well at the firm.

Gabe interrupted his thoughts, “So, how is your head?” His voice was quieter, but not much.

“Pounding,” Cas replied.

“I mean besides the hangover. Don’t you remember?”

“Huh, what are you talking about?”

“You fell. Outside of the club. Hit your head.” He quirked his head to the side and strolled over to Cas. He stooped down and peered at his forehead. “Maybe Sam was right. Maybe you did have a concussion.”

“I fell?” He raised a hand up to his forehead to explore. Up at the hairline he felt a slight, tender bump. “Ow.”

“Yeah, don’t touch it.” Gabe turned back to the kitchen and his breakfast preparations.

“It doesn’t look bad.” Anna offered. “Just a little bruise. How does the back of your head feel?”

He smoothed a hand through his hair and felt another tender spot at the back of his skull. _Never again. There is a reason that I don’t do this shit._ “Did I act like an idiot?” He whispered to Anna who had lowered herself into the seat next to his.

“Hmm, not really.” She looked away.

“Anna.” Worry crept into his voice.

“You were just, not yourself.” She added carefully.

“I’ll say.” Gabe laughed. “It was kinda nice to see you get rid of that stick up your ass for once. Really, you should do that more often.”

“Mmm.” Cas slumped down closer to the coffee, trying to recall the night before. It was there in flashes, but it was a jumble of pounding. There would need to be more coffee, much more coffee.

“I’m just glad that I got it on video. That was a night that just begs to be watched on repeat.” Gabe laughed as he scooped up two plates of eggs, bacon, and toast to carry over to the table.

“What are you talking about?” Cas had that worried tone again.

“Oh, nothing.” He turned to Uriel, “Hey, Uriel. Get over here. Breakfast is served.”

“Too loud,” Uriel muttered, but he got up slowly anyway and made his way to the table.

“Anyone going to get the rest of the house guests?” Gabe motioned to the spare bedroom that was on the other side of the apartment.

“Who else is here?” Cas asked. The eggs on the plate in front of him were threatening his stomach with their pungent aroma.

“Wow, you really don’t recall last night at all, do you?” Gabe strolled toward the closed door, and started the pounding again. “Wake up princesses. Sleep time is over and breakfast is on the table.”

“Too loud,” this clearly was going to be Uriel’s mantra for the day. Cas just pressed his palms to his ears to block out the noise for himself.

“What is on the video, Anna?” Cas asked while lowering his hands to hear her answer.

“Singing.” She was avoiding something, he knew her too well, to just think that she was being brief.

“Singing?”

“Yes, singing.” She scooped up his mug to refill it. “You should watch it. You have a good voice.”

“Why was I singing?”

It was Uriel’s turn to answer now, “Because, my friend, you are Cas, the King of Karaoke.” He laughed a little with a memory that Cas did not share. It was a brief laugh though, followed by the mantra muttered again, “Ahhh, too loud.”

He quirked his head to the side as if to ask for more information, but at that point the guest room door opened and Sam spilled out in an uncoordinated pile of limbs. Although Cas did not know him as well as the others, Sam was a welcome addition to the group. He was, at least quiet and thoughtful, two things that Cas particularly appreciated now.

Gabe made his way back over to the kitchen and grabbed more plates of food for the table. He set one in front of Uriel and had two other plates balanced precariously on his other arm. He set those down in front of the remaining seats. Sam took a seat while Gabe strolled back into the kitchen for another plate.

“I think that you got enough food here, Gabe. Unless, of course, I have miscounted,” Cas said.

It was then that he noticed the other house guest. He was wearing a dark tee shirt that had seen better days and a pair of worn jeans. His hair was golden brown and stood up in the back where it had recently been pressed into a pillow. His face was attractive. Until one looked closely at his chin. A rather large purple bruise covered the lower portion of his jawline.

“Join the party, Dean.” Gabe called over. Dean made his way over to the table looking at each of the people seated there. When his eyes fell on Cas, he quickly looked away.

Cas remembered him a little. He was Sam’s brother. He joined them toward the middle of the night. He was going to give Sam a ride home. _Oh, no. What did I do?_ Cas thought to himself. He had other flashes of memories from last night, and this man was in them.

Anna interrupted his thoughts by asking around the table, “Anyone beside Cas want some coffee?” She got up and started gathering more coffee mugs.

“I’ll take some, angel.” Dean sent a semi-lascivious wink her way. She just laughed and got the coffee.

 _Oh, so maybe I didn’t do anything stupid. He’s flirting with Anna. I just have an active imagination and maybe a slight concussion paired with the world’s worst hangover. I do not need to be concerned._ But Cas was concerned. Panicking even. _Make conversation_ , he thought.

“So, Dean, looks like you had a bit of a rough night too.” He said as he indicated the bruise on Dean’s chin. _So not the best conversation starter. Really, find the only flaw on his face and highlight it. I need to shut-up. No more talking. Talking bad._

Dean threw him a look of confusion. Sam spoke up though, “Uh, you don’t remember what happened?”

“Oh, no. What happened?” Cas became rather concerned that he might have done something worse than casual flirting with his friend’s straight brother.

“There may have been more than singing,” Anna said.

“Well,” Dean started, “Let’s just say that I won’t be helping you next time you fall.” Dean held his gaze for a second before diving into his plate of breakfast. “Thanks for breakfast though. Certainly makes up for last night.”

“That’s all Gabe.” He waved at the breakfast before asking, “I gave you that bruise?”

“Don’t sweat it. Bruises heal. Maybe next time you’re celebrating, don’t go walking out into dark alleys.” Dean looked over to Sam and added, “I hate to eat and run, but we really gotta get going. Uncle Bobby’s going to have my hide if I’m late.”

“UhHuh.” Sam quickly stuffed a few mouthfuls of eggs in at once and then with a couple of swallows of coffee stood up. “Thanks for letting us crash here last night, Cas.”

“Apparently, it was the least I could do after bruising up your brother.” Cas stood to walk them to the door.

They made it out into the corridor when Sam said, “Oh, I almost forgot my jacket. Just a sec.” He darted back into the condo, leaving Cas awkwardly alone with Dean.

“I’m really sorry about all of that. Really sorry.” Cas muttered pathetically.

“Don’t be. It wasn’t all bad.” Dean smiled at him then, and Sam rejoined them in the corridor.

“Hey, Cas. Congratulations again on making partner and all.” Sam threw back as they made their way toward the elevator.

“Thanks.” Cas looked at each of them as they walked away, feeling like he needed to say something more, but not having anything to add.

Dean turned as they reached the elevator and called back to him, “See you Friday.” Then he winked and the elevator doors closed.

 _What the Hell just happened? What is happening on Friday?_ Cas was not ready to watch Gabe’s video, but clearly that might be a necessity now.


	2. Sunday, Sunday

Cas decided to use his quiet Sunday to bring back order to the chaos that was his home. He surveyed the living room with some satisfaction. The couch no longer looked like it had been slept on with the piles of blankets now carefully tucked away. The couch was more decorative than comfortable with a low back and shallow seating portion. He liked the look of the piece as it was modern, with straight edges. There was a blanket that, at first glance, appeared to be tossed over the far edge of the arm and back of the seat. It had actually not been placed there casually. He had carefully arranged it to drape just so, smoothing a hand over the softness of it, smiling while he did so.

The green hue of it reminded him of home, not this home, but his old home. The color was the green of the vineyards that rolled for days outside his old bedroom window. If he closed his eyes, and really thought about it, he could still smell the roses that lined the edges of the rows. They were his mother’s roses. She had them planted to encourage the bees, as she put it. He could see her walking along the path that lined the rows, stooping from time to time to breathe in the sweet scent of their blooms.

He sucked in a deep breathe himself now and focused on the room again, feeling warm and satisfied with his efforts and memories. He reached back to his back pocket and pulled out the partially tucked dusting rag that he had been using on the coffee table a few minutes before. He made his way around the room and back over to the dining room table to wipe away any left over stickiness that he may have missed before. He had already cleaned this space, after finally shuffling his friends out the door and to their own homes. Now, he was just avoiding.

For some reason, he was not sure that he wanted to intrude on the sanctuary of the guest room. Sam and Dean had slept there, so disturbing it felt odd. He didn’t understand the feeling, so he pushed it down and walked with purpose to the door. This room always had a different air about it. It did not remind him of home, but it was comfortable, at least. The beds had a rumpled look as though they had been only casually remade. The comforters had been tucked back into place, but only a little. Perhaps they had slept on top of them. The pillows weren’t quite laid out in the neat lines that Cas liked. He quickly pulled at the comforters and tossed them into a pile at his feet. Next he began undoing the sheets to add them to the pile. He started at the foot of the bed, and then, moved up to the head. He plucked the pillows up one by one to toss them aside. Then he noticed something slide off of the corner of the mattress. It was a necklace. He scooped it up in his palm and drew it close for inspection. It had an odd face that reminded Cas of an African tribal mask in miniature. He walked over to the window with it and held it by the black chain to look at it better. There was something eerie, yet intriguing about the piece.

He had never seen Sam wear a necklace, so he assumed that it belonged to the brother, Dean. Then he did something that if he really thought about it would seem odd. He put it on and tucked it into his shirt. Safe keeping until Monday. And he absolutely did not think about it again, sort of. Occasionally, he would find himself walking around the condo tidying here and there, and then he would place his hand on it, Just to make sure that it was still there. Wouldn’t want to lose it. He needed distraction. The house was OCD clean at this point. He was starting to seriously contemplate calling Anna to start the chain of conversations that would lead to all of the group meeting up for dinner. He wasn’t really sure that he wanted to face them again yet. Give it another day.

He decided instead to jump on the computer. He opened his email to find a message from Gabe. As soon as he saw the subject line his head dropped back. He rolled his eyes and let out a long exasperated sigh. The subject line read: Baby Kitties. Gabe often sent emails with innocuous subject lines. Usually, the subject implied that there would be a message with adorable baby animals or funny babies of a human variety. No matter how many times Gabe sent the emails, Cas always opened them. He knew, he really knew, that there would never, ever, never, never, ever be a baby animal or anything adorable in the email. He hovered over the email, considering the delete key, knowing that once again, he just couldn’t do it. It is porn. Just click delete. You don’t want to know, really. There are some things you just can’t unsee, and this is going to be one of them. Damn it.

He opened the email, and read the message.

This will be the first installment of: This is Your Life starring Cas as the singing attorney, out on the town with his awesome friends, and that Dean guy that was less awesome.

He saw the attachment icon and chose to open it. Please don’t be porn. It wasn’t. It was a short clip from the bar. Cas watched himself laughing while Uriel propelled him over to a book near the stage. He was signing up for something. The room was loud. Someone was singing an abominable rendition of I Will Survive. Gabe’s voice could be heard over the crowd and the singer, a real testament to his volume. “Make sure that he is on the contest list. I want to see more than one song.” Cas cringed when he heard that. _It just gets worse._ “Oh, Uriel! pick something epic...No ABBA! I’m serious, Uriel! No ABBA!” Uriel just turned and threw Gabe a wink that said, oh yeah, it’s ABBA time.

With that, the video ended. At least tomorrow would bring the distraction of work. He would have to play this off. If he looked like he was bothered, Gabe would drag it out. _Oh, God. Did I sing in front of him? Did I squeal my way through “Dancing Queen” in front of that gorgeous man?_ The humiliation was unending.

He closed the laptop a little too forcefully and decided to go back to cleaning again. He turned on the stereo first, though. The loud blast of violins burst from the speakers drowning out his thoughts as he cleaned and straightened the already immaculate rooms.


	3. Manic Monday

It would be a day of research. Monday’s often were. He welcomed the distraction that it would afford. He had made it to his office without running into Gabe or the others. He felt like that was a small victory. His secretary greeted him with a slight nod and handed him a folder as he reached out to open his door. Normally, they would talk a little, but she was on a call. He stepped into the room and Uriel was sitting in his seat.

“Hello, Uriel. What are you doing here?” Cas asked as he made his way over to the desk. 

Uriel got up and made his way to the window. “Gabe told me to get the group together for dinner tonight.”

“So, why didn’t he just ask himself?.”

“Oh, you know.” Uriel turned back to Cas. “He was pretty sure that you would say no to him.”

“I would.” Cas nodded as he spoke and turned to his desk.

“He said that he would rely on my charm to make dinner happen.” Uriel’s lips quirked up into a slight smile.

“Really,Uriel, when did you become such a tool to flattery?” Cas laughed then and took a seat. “You are not that charming.”

Uriel joined him then, taking a seat on the other side. “I am totally charming.” He laughed. “In fact, I think that my charm is the very reason that you all value my friendship so much.” 

“Actually, it is your humor. You are, quite literally, the funniest person that I know.” Cas smiled over at him.

“No, that distinction belongs to Gabe. Well, maybe you too after this past weekend.” Uriel leaned back into the chair.

“Care to share some details? Gabe has decided to only send me one short video as an explanation.” Cas ran a hand through his hair. “I find it a bit tedious.”

“Sorry, no explanation for you. I have been sworn to secrecy.”

Cas looked at Uriel with some confusion. “Really? Don’t make me pull the best friend card.”

“Ha, you would pull that card. No, you get to wait. I wouldn’t worry about it, Cas. The video is harmless. The night was fun, and you were among friends.” Uriel stood to go. “Enjoy the moments.”

“I might if I had a clearer memory of what they were.” 

“So, dinner is happening tonight. We are going to meet Gabe’s girl.” Uriel smiled as he left. “I’ll text you the details.”

“I can hardly believe that someone finds him tolerable.” Cas smiled back.

“Well, we keep hanging around him, what does that say? I do have to wonder about her. She can’t be normal, right.”

Uriel left and Cas was able to linger for a bit in the moment, before diving into his research.  
\---  
Lunch, he decided, would not be at his desk. There was a small cafe down the street that they sometimes visited. He wasn’t looking for company, but he was looking for a good salad. He let his eyes scan the room for a booth when he saw Sam in the distant corner sitting by himself.

He wandered over to join him. “Hello, Sam.” He motioned to the other bench and added, “Want company?”

“Oh, hello, Cas. Yeah, sit. I just ordered.” Sam leaned back casually giving off a welcoming vibe.

He noticed that there was an air of seriousness lingering on Sam’s face and wondered about it. They hadn’t talked much before about anything too deep. He had known Sam for a year, and anytime the conversation turned serious, Sam redirected. He had noticed that Sam was quite capable of turning a question that was about him or his past back on the questioner, until they were no longer talking about him at all. It made him the kind of friend that was a good listener, but it limited his relationships when his friends could not reciprocate, be there for him too.

“What’s up?” Cas decided to toss out. “You look stressed.”

“Nothing, just lost in thought.” And just like that he redirected. “How are you doing?” It was a simple enough question, but Cas decided that he wanted to stay on the other path.

“I’m fine. Really, what’s bothering you? Talk.” 

“Really, Cas, nothing. It was a long weekend. I am just getting myself back in the zone.” Sam tossed out a smile, but Cas could see something under it. “So how’s the research going?” There it was again, the redirect.

He huffed out a resigned breath and started to answer when the waitress showed up at the table. She slid over the mug of coffee and beamed a smile directly at Cas. Her long, chestnut hair hung down around her shoulders. She was attractive and, as always, very interested. “The usual, Cas?” She had the order pad in her hand and was already writing down the order before he could reply.

“Yes, thanks. Looks busy today.” He tossed out with a smile.

“Everyday, sugar. Story of my life.” Her eyes swooped over to Sam. “Oh, my. I totally forgot your drink. What was it again?”

“Just water. No worries,” Sam said with a look at Cas’ coffee.

“Coming right up.” She was gone in a rush, but was distracted from her path to get water by the demands of several tables. Cas could almost literally see her forgetting.

“Seriously, you have to let her down.” Sam drew his attention back.

“What?”

“Really, you don’t see it?” He sent a pointed look at the coffee and then at the waitress.

Some dawning realization was forming, but Cas responded, “No way. She is just friendly.”

“Okay, if you say so.” Sam just smiles and enjoys the moment.

“Well, I am not saying a thing. Besides, she makes the best coffee. I don’t want to mess that up.”

“Haha, anyone can make that coffee. Hell, Dean can make that coffee and my brother is not skilled in that department. You just don’t like disappointing people.” 

The mention of Dean made Cas want to dive down a different path of conversation than the one that they had been on, but he didn’t know how to keep from being obvious. Before he could form a coherent thought the waitress was back sliding the water over to Sam. She didn’t linger this time though.

“Maybe you are right. I do hate disappointing people. Better to avoid.” He lifted the coffee to his lips and drank down half of the dark liquid before setting it down again.

His words seemed to draw Sam down a different path. “So, um, maybe it wouldn’t hurt for me to talk about it a little.” He seemed to hesitate.

Cas just sat there letting the silence draw Sam out. He didn’t find silence to be awkward; it comforted him. Too many people felt the need to fill too much silence with pointless noise. After a few beats, Sam continued.

“I asked Jess to move in with me.”

Cas interrupted, “Congratulations.” 

But before he could say more Sam held up a placating hand and added, “She didn’t say yes.”

“Oh.”

“Well, she didn’t say no exactly either.” Sam ran a hand through his hair in a nervous gesture, before continuing. “She said that I need to finish the restoration on the house first.”

“Oh, is that a big deal?” Cas knew that Sam had an old house on some acreage outside of the city. His commute was a bit more than most would find reasonable, but Cas could see the benefits of escaping the rush of the city. Sam had even talked about all of the work that he and his brother had done on the old place.

“Hmm, it’s complicated.” He paused and Cas made a point of looking down into his coffee so that Sam would feel comfortable continuing. “You see, my dad died just before I joined the firm. He left us the house. Dean said that he didn’t want to live there, but he was willing to help out with the repairs, ‘Too many demons there’ he said.”

“I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t know,” Cas said.

“I don’t talk about it. Dad and I weren’t close. That man didn’t have a loving bone in his body, but if you ask Dean you’ll get a different perspective. Well, that would happen if Dean actually talked. You think I don’t share? Dean is the poster child for repressed feelings.” Sam was interrupted by the food’s arrival.

“There you go boys. Can I get you anything else?” She smiled extra big at Cas, but he was brusque.

“No.” She seemed deflated as she walked off.

“Well, I said let her down, not be rude.” Sam waved off at her retreating form.

“Huh, oh.” Too late to fix that now. “So, was the house in need of a lot of repairs?” Cas could redirect too if he needed to.

“Yes, would be an understatement. We should have torn it down and started over, but we are both a little too sentimental for that. We have fixed up the whole thing except for the section off of the back hall.”

“What do you have to do there?”

“Major work. It was completely destroyed by a fire.”

“Oh, that sounds like quite a job. Why don’t you just hire some people to come in?” Cas was about to toss in an offer of personal help, but then he remembered that he was not exactly skilled in the manual labor department.

“It isn’t the work so much as what it represents.” Sam seemed uncomfortable, but he continued. “The fire is what caused my mom’s death. So that section of the house, it just…”

“Oh, my. Oh, Sam, I don’t know what to say.”

“I know, this is why I don’t share. My life is....” Instead of finishing the sentence he shrugged in resignation.

“Maybe that is why you should share.”

“Well, it isn’t exactly an easy subject to fall into.” Sam seemed to be trying to lighten the mood so Cas sent them down the path that began the talk.

“So, does Jess understand the situation?”

“Quite well. She thinks that it is necessary because we are holding onto it too much. She wants the job done, because she thinks that it is the closest thing to therapy that Dean and I will ever get. She means well, but Dean isn’t ready, and if I do it alone, it might affect him.”

Cas was ready to lighten the mood a little more, so he figured why not redirect in a way that will kill two birds with one stone, “So, what’s happening this Friday?”

“What do you mean?” Sam looked at him, confused, then finding the new thread of the conversation, “Oh, you mean with you and Dean?”

This sounded ominous to Cas, you and Dean… Although, he had to admit that he liked that they were paired up, even if it was only in a sentence.Sound casual, like you know what is happening. “Yeah.”

“Hmm, I don’t know. That’s between you two.” Sam smirked, like he knew something.

Cas muttered with resignation, “Seriously, why can’t anyone just give me a straight answer?” He looked down at his plate then, frustrated.

“Sorry. I’ll tell him to call you.”

Oh, shit, no. “Oh, no, don’t bother him. I’ll just figure out what is up some other way.”

“Really? That sounds like a solid plan.” Sam laughed at Cas then and added, “Stop stressing. I’ll let him know that you need to talk to him.”

“No, don’t phrase it that way. I just don’t remember all of the details from that night.” Cas fidgeted then started scooping up forks full of salad. No eye contact.

“Well, don’t look to me for any clarity. I had just as much fun as you and some things are just better off forgotten.” Then after pausing for a beat, “We need to probably get through this meal a little faster. Duty calls you know.”

“Yeah, more eating, less talking.” Cas felt mild waves of nausea just swirling around inside him at the thought of Dean calling him. Maybe Sam will forget to mention it, not likely. Maybe he’ll just text. That would be easier, less personal. But maybe he secretly wanted it to be personal. Maybe he kind of hoped for a lot of things. He smiled a little as he rushed through the rest of the meal, anticipation leaving him both a little scared and excited in equal measure.


	4. Well, It's Monday Night

The day dragged after lunch. Try as he might to focus, he just couldn’t. For some reason he kept checking his phone for messages. It was ridiculous. Sam wasn’t going to bother Dean right after lunch. He would likely wait until he went home. He was reaching for the phone again, just for a peek. Stop already, this is bordering on obsession. He set the phone face down on the desk, and, for good measure, placed a paper over it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Anna strolled in around five and propped herself in the doorframe, “Hey, wingman.”

“Hey, wingwoman.” He returned with a smile. “What brings you to this neck of the woods? Looking for more work?” 

She laughs, “No, got plenty of that. I just wanted to make sure that you were going to Gabe’s little meet and greet with me. I think that the single people need to take care of each other. You know, a united front.”

“Sounds like a plan. Is Uriel going with us too?”

“No, he is picking up Sarah and meeting us there. That makes him, now, officially not single too. We seriously need to find ourselves some gorgeous arm candy.”

“Is Sam going?” Cas wondered if maybe Sam might bring Jess or maybe his brother could stand in if Jess were unavailable. Just stop already.

“I think so, but he seemed distracted today, so I bet that he finds a way to get out of it.” Anna comes further into the room and grabs the back of the chair, arching out her back a bit.

“Gabe won’t accept an excuse.” It was then that Cas heard the tell-tale chime of a new email coming from his laptop. He turned to it and looked at the latest subject line. 

Fluffy, Baby Duckies

“Hmm, Gabe strikes again,” he muttered toward the screen.

“What did he send now?” Anna asked. She knew all about Gabe’s emails, but unlike Cas, she did not open them. 

“Therein lies the question.” Cas hovered over the email, debating about whether or not to leave it until he got home. He opened it. The message was as short as the last one.

Yes, Cas you are the Dancing Queen.  
The video was as he imagined it would be. He sang with gusto. The Dancing Queen was a bit high for his vocal range, but he made it work. Apparently, the crowd was pleased. Gabe had panned around the bar during the number and there was a large group of men in the corner at a reserved table. They were particularly pleased. He could hear Gabe’s snort of pleasure at what he viewed as just embarrassing. ‘Anna, go pick a real song,’ he heard Gabe call out. Then the video ended.

“See, I told you that you had a nice voice,” Anna said. “Are you going home before dinner or are you going to leave from here?”

“I’ll just leave from here.”

“Nice, I’ll come back to pick you up here then.” She turned to go adding, “See you in an hour.”

“Bye, Anna.”

\---

Dinner was not entirely unpleasant. Sam was there, alone. He couldn’t pick up Jess and get back before 6:30. He walked over to Cas as soon as he arrived and said, “So I talked to Dean and told him to call you.”

“Oh, okay.” What Cas was really thinking was more like, Oh, my God on repeat. He began mentally preparing his half of the conversation with varying degrees of humor. Wait, no humor. That is not part of my skillset.

Sam just smirked at him in that knowing way. He gave Cas a slight pat on the shoulder before moving over to the table that Gabe had reserved for dinner. Gabe and Kali were late. “Fashionably late, kiddies. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.” He swooped over to the head of the table and Kali followed him. She was way out of Gabe’s league. Her long dark hair framed her angular face. It was the face of a goddess. She had penetrating deep brown eyes that took in the faces of Gabe’s friends with a look that was calculating. Then she smiled; it warmed her and dismantled them.

Cas was the first to bridge the gap. He walked up to her with his hand outstretched, “You must be Kali. We have heard so many great things about you.”

“This is Cas,” Gabe offered. “Believe nothing that he says. I never talk about you.” Gabe smiled at her and leaned in for a kiss.

“Oh, the singer.” Kali smiled at him. “Gabe has told me a lot about you.”

Cas cringed at what Gabe might have shared. His interpretations were not always the most pleasant. “Hopefully, his tales haven’t been too painful.” Cas smiled warmly.

“Clearly, you are one of his favorite people to torture, which also makes you a dear friend.” She released his hand then with an affectionate squeeze, “I’m glad to finally meet you.”

“This is Uriel and Sarah.” Gabe directed her away from Cas, to the others. Cas took a seat at the far end of the table, and Anna made her way over to the seat next to him after being introduced.

The conversation at the table was engaging, but Cas was having a hard time focusing on the people in the room. He had his phone in his lap and he periodically would press the on button to look for messages. Then an icon popped up on the top, a new email.

He opened the app as the table went silent only to find that Gabe had sent him something with the subject line: So many baby animals if you don’t stop playing with your phone!!!

He looked up and saw that they were all looking at him. “Uh, sorry.” He gave Gabe a look of sincerity.

“Just be glad that I didn’t send an attachment.” Gabe smirked across the table. 

“You are just mean, Gabe.” Kali said with affection underlying her tone.

“All in good fun, all in good fun.” Gabe leaned into her and placed another quick kiss on her cheek.

Cas’ phone began buzzing in his lap. He couldn’t answer it now, not without them noticing. Maybe in a bit. His hands hovered over it, wanting to just take the call and deal with the ribbing later. Focus. Don’t do it. It stopped buzzing. He redirected his attention to the dinner party.

The evening was long by the time that dessert came. Gabe actually paid the entire bill though, an uncharacteristically generous move. As they left Cas decided to sneak a peek at his phone. The number was not from his contacts, so he couldn’t identify it. There did not appear to be a voice message either. Argg, I hate the callback part. So, awkward. Texting, it is then, less awkward.

He sent out a quick message to start the conversation.

Don’t have you in my contacts, but you called me. Who are you?

That seemed reasonable. Nothing to read into and yet, it opened the doorway to more communication. Now we wait. And apparently keep waiting. He stood in the foyer waiting for Anna to reemerge from the restroom. When she did, they walked together to the car.

“So, what did you think of her?” Anna threw out casually as they got into the car.

“She is way out of his league. I hope that he doesn’t screw this up though. I liked her calmness.” Cas considered how nice it would be to see Gabe find balance.

“Hmm, I don’t think that she is calm. Unless you mean the calm before the storm.” She gave him a sideways glance as she pulled out of the lot.

“Really? I didn’t see that.” 

“You know that she only takes capital cases. They call her ‘Killer Kali’ behind her back. If you are on trial for murder, she is the one to get on your team. It will cost you, but she is apparently worth it. I’m just glad that I won’t ever have to face her in a courtroom.”

“I don’t know. I just don’t think that she was all that intimidating.” Cas shrugged and glanced down at the phone in his lap.

Anna noticed and asked, “So what’s the deal with the phone obsession? Normally, you are the picture of politeness at the dinner table. It’s the rest of us that are permanently distracted.”

“Oh, its nothing.” Cas quickly slid the phone into his coat pocket to show just how ‘nothing” the situation was.

“Spill, wingman.” She threw her serious look his way. It was punctuated by a raised eyebrow and a spill of her red hair dipping over her cheek. She turned back to the road and waited for his reply.

“Sam’s brother was going to call me.” Cas tried to sound casual.

“Oh, Sam’s hot brother from the bar, huh.” Anna’s lip quirked up at the corner.

“Oh, I don’t know. Umm, was he?” Pathetic. Cas licked his lips and almost reached for the phone in his pocket. Really, how long does it take to reply to a text message?

“Uh, yes, Cas, super hot. Even you can’t be that oblivious.” She smirked.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Even you?

“We’ve all noticed that you don’t seem to show much interest in anyone since Charles. Uriel says that you are our resident monk. Gabe says that you aren’t.”

“Gabe actually defended me? That seems unlikely.”

“He also said that monks get more action.” She laughed.

“I do alright.” Cas defended his lack of a dating life. That didn’t sound pathetic at all.

“Sure you do. Well, as much as I would like to continue discussing how much of a Casanova you are, I have gotten you home in record time.” She pulled up to the curb of the complex. Cas opened the door to get out and felt her hand fall on his arm. “You are a catch, you know?”

“Yeah, sure wingwoman. I guess that makes two of us.” He smiled at her and her chick flick moment. “Take your sappy self home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With that he got out, closed the car door, and went up to his home. Maybe there would be a message. He would wait until he got inside to check. Something to look forward to. Not a bad evening, all things considered.


	5. Sweet Tuesday Night

When did three days become so long? Cas sat at the conference table that was in Gabe’s office. Papers spanned the space between them. They were working on a case that should have been done before Cas made partner. Unfortunately for them, the client, who was completely innocent, couldn’t manage to keep his mouth shut when there was a camera or a journalist within five feet of him. Okay, maybe he wasn’t completely innocent. The fraud was getting harder and harder to explain away with each interview that Ezra set-up.

“Hey, Cas, I’m having trouble with the phrasing on this. You mind looking it over?” Gabe sounded tired. They were all tired. It had been a long day.

“Yeah, sure, send it over.” Cas did not look up from the computer when he spoke. The email came through in the next second. He opened the email. Gabe had sent a message with an image embedded in the body along with the words: Cas is sexy and he knows it. 

The image was from the night at the bar. Cas was clutching a mic and was poised with his pelvis thrown so far forward that it was actually unreasonable. He had his other arm extended out pointing into the crowd.

“Really, Gabe? How do you get anything done?” Cas said as Uriel leaned over and looked at the screen.

“Nice shot.” Uriel looked over at Gabe.

“Don’t encourage him.” Cas scowled. “Pass me the folder.”

“Oh, I could just send you the digital file of all of that.” Gabe chuckled.

“I’ll pass. Actually, I think that this is a sign that I have spent way too many hours cooped up with you two. This is all as good as it will get. I’ll see you both tomorrow at the courthouse.” Cas stood to go.

“See you tomorrow.” Uriel tossed off.

“Wuss, you just can’t handle my awesomeness.” Gabe sounded like his energy was running low too though.

“You are right. I have experienced far too much awesomeness today.” He closed the door behind him and wandered back to his office to get a few things together for home. He passed Sam’s door and saw that his light was still on. He poked his head in. “Burning the midnight oil too?”

“Almost done.” He said to Cas as he pulled the phone away from his mouth, shielding the bottom. Then quieter, “On the phone.” 

Cas slipped out, quietly closing Sam’s door. He went to his office then his desk and sat. Just for a second. He began gathering his papers and saw his phone laying on the edge of the desk. He had left it in his office, because he needed a distraction-free environment. He flipped it over now, and looked for the message icon. There was a missed call icon. No voice message though. It was the same number that he had messaged before. Maybe I should just call. He was thinking as his office door opened. 

It was Sam. He was still on the phone. “Why don’t you just ask him yourself? No, I am not your little messenger boy. No, you shut-up. No, you.” 

Cas cocked his head to the side at this odd intrusion. Clearly, Sam was not on the phone with a client anymore, or at least he hoped not. “Everything okay, Sam?”

“I am handing him the phone.” Sam said as he swiftly removed the phone from his ear and pressed it to Cas’ head.

“Sammy, you bitch. Just ask him what he needed so I can get back to....” The gravely voice settled into Cas’s ear.

“Uh, not Sammy,” Cas interrupted.

“Oh, uh, sorry.” There was a long moment of silence then.

Sam spoke up loud enough to be heard through the phone, “He said that I needed to find out what you wanted because you weren’t taking his calls.”

“I am confused.” Cas said into the phone and to Sam who was backing out of the room.

The voice on the phone said, “Sam told me to call you. This is Dean. Sam’s brother.” There was a pause between each sentence of information as if Dean expected Cas to acknowledge him and thus avoid the need for more information.

“Oh, of course,” Cas said. Words. Bah! Each time that he tried to speak it was like a light had gone on in a dark room full of roaches--the words skittering off into the darkness. 

“So, is your phone broken?” Dean ventured.

“No, it works. Is yours, um broken?” Cas replied.

“No, I am talking to you on it right now.” 

“Oh, yeah.” Stupid. “It’s just that I tried to text you, but you didn’t reply.” Yes! A coherent sentence.

“Really, I didn’t get that. Did Sammy give you my cell?” 

“No, I just replied to the number that you called from.” On a roll. That makes two completely reasonable sentences.

“Oh, well, that explains some things. I called from my uncle Bobby’s landline. He lives out in the sticks. Cell service out here is for shit, so I just use his house phone.” 

“Oh, sorry about that. Guess I should have just called back. It has been a little busy.” Cas almost mumbled the last bit. 

“No worries. Sounds like a bit of miscommunication.” Another long pause. “So, uh, not to be a broken record, but Sam told me to call you.”

“Why did he do that?” Seriously, that was the best I could come up with? Think!

“You tell me. He said that you were unclear or something. He said that you maybe had a concussion or something.” Dean rushed through the information while in the background Cas could hear a loud banging sound taking over the quiet that was there before.

“What’s happening? That is really loud.” Cas had to raise his voice a little to be heard.

“Oh, I’m at my uncle’s place. We are pulling an all-nighter. He got a bunch of cars from some rich guy. They need major body work. The timeline on them is tight, so we are going to try to burn through as many as we can now.” There were more banging noises coming through the phone. “Bobby, seriously, I am on the phone.”

“Then go take the call in the house, you idjit.” The other voice rasped out clearly, despite it likely coming from no where near the phone.

He could hear Dean moving around with the phone and the noise lessening a little before he spoke again, “So, I’ll need your address. Do you have a garage?”

Cas was confused. Where did this conversational thread come from? “Sure, got a pen?” He waited for Dean’s reply.

“Ready.” Cas gave him his address.

“I don’t have a garage.” Cas added, though he did not understand the point of the question. Maybe this is how Dean does small talk. Seriously, someone has to hold up both ends of the conversation, because so far…

“Oh, well then, that will complicate things.” There was more banging in the background and what sounded like muffled swearing. 

“Damn it, Dean. I aint paying you to talk on the phone all night. Get over here and help me out.” Then he could hear a shuffle of sorts and then the voice was in the phone, “Dean can’t talk on the phone anymore. He’ll call you when he finishes his work.” Then there was silence as the uncle had hung up the phone.

“Well, that was abrupt.” Cas walked the phone out of the office and saw Sam sitting on one of the office couches. “Here is your phone.”

“Everything clear now?” Sam took the phone and rose to go.

Cas grunted in response and went back to gathering his things from his office. Clearly, nothing could just be simple.


	6. Wednesday Morning, 3am

Cas dreamed in song. It was a night filled with power ballads from the ‘90s and he was rocking them all. He was doing his best Bon Jovi impersonation. There was the near squeal as he sang out the words, ‘I’m wanted, dead or alive…” He stood at the edge of the stage throwing back his head as he sang. His hips pointing out to the crowd along with his arm. He seemed to be scanning the crowd, moving his hand out over their faceless bodies until he got to the one that he was looking for. His sun-lightened brown hair a beacon in the dark bar. He directed his songs to him. He made his way down from the stage. Angling closer to him.

When the song ended he was at the side of the table. The room was silent, but only because the faceless masses didn’t count. The only one that counted was staring at him with such intensity that he couldn’t move. They stayed that way until Dean winked and said, ‘See you Friday.’ 

He woke with a start and felt like he just wanted to pull the covers over his face, savor the last dregs of the dream before they completely flew away. He still didn’t know what Friday would hold for him, and he was starting to not care. He knew that Dean would show up and that was enough. He wasn’t sure even what the arrangement would entail. I’m really okay with that. I am totally comfortable with mysteries.

He wasn’t. He was much more interested in the predictable, the orderly. This whole situation was one of the most uncomfortable things he had ever experienced. And the most stimulating thing he had experienced in some time. He closed his eyes again beneath the blanket and tried to conjure up Dean’s face. He wondered what his cheek would feel like against his own. He wondered about his shaving regime. Yeah, I’m not odd at all. He wondered just how smooth his skin became after a shave. He thought about his hands. He was willing to bet that they were rough, calloused even. He wondered how long he would have to wait to touch them.

Could he find an excuse to accidentally touch his hands? Not likely. Oh, excuse me, my hand just fell into your hand completely by accident and it can’t be moved. Yeah, too much danger in moving it. You’ll just have to hold it. He actually laughed at this point and threw the covers off of his face. When did you become a teenage girl, Cas? 

Today was going to be spent in the courthouse. At least that would provide sufficient distractions from his teenage dreams. Ha, he had to laugh a little. It sure didn’t take him long to fall into an obsession. He remembered meeting Charles back when he was at the university. He was at a coffee house, doing a poetry reading. Poetry wasn’t really Cas’ thing, but coffee was, so he found himself sitting there listening and sipping pleasantly.

Charles had taken the stage and sat on a tall stool. The moment was every stereotype of a coffee house poetry read, that is, until he spoke. His voice was warm and luminous, and a touch sardonic. Cas was interested. He saw his mop of dusty brown hair and lean face as inviting. His eyes were a deep brown that could be described as puppy dog eyes, but that seemed too sappy. They were definitely melancholy.

The readings before were forgettable. Cas leaned forward as Charles spoke. He started with the words, “I need a redo…” and he continued with descriptions of his myriad falls into miserable situation after miserable situation. Then he looked up and smirked. “Fuck that, I need a redo.”

It was possibly cliched, but he didn’t care. Cas was hooked. He needed a redo too. Somehow it had been easy that night. Charles had joined his table when Cas beckoned him over. When they parted ways it was with a clear understanding that they would see each other again. Numbers were exchanged. Confidence was felt, and the fluttering nervousness in his gut had been from the thought of all that potential that comes from new relationships. It was not completely unlike what he was feeling now at the thought of Dean, but…

This was different, and maybe that was good. Charles didn’t stay uncomplicated. The alcohol took care of that. The alcohol and time. One day he was just changed. He wasn’t a face your demons kind of guy. He was a bury your demons kind of guy. He would write his poetry and his so called “fiction,” and call that “dealing.” One night they had fought. He could not even remember what it had been about. Something stupid, likely. Something to mask what they really needed to talk about. Charles had already consumed more than he should. When he had thrown the bottle across the room. Cas had just stood there. Charles wasn’t a violent alcoholic. This was new. Charles stalked toward him, looming and glaring evenly into Cas’ eyes. Then he left. 

In hindsight, Cas knew that he should have stopped him. He had been too tightly wound in that moment though to react. He felt responsible. He let it happen. Charles took the motorcycle. It was a gorgeous creature. It was a 1950’s Triumph Blackbird, modeled after the ride that Marlon Brando used in the film The Wild Ones. Charles bought it on a whim. He was not a skilled rider when he was sober. 

He didn’t come home that night. Cas had gotten a call instead. Charles had been in an accident. It would have been bad enough if he had been the only one involved, but there had been a car too. It had swerved to miss him and that was all that it took. The man driving the car had been in critical condition. It was only by some miracle that he had survived.

It was still a felony. Charles accepted it. He plead guilty and told Cas not to wait for him. He told him that when he got out, he would just disappear. Cas didn’t fight him at first. He was still too angry. He tried to visit him once after he had been incarcerated, but Charles denied him. He tried letters and phone calls, but Charles made good on his promise to just disappear. The funny thing was that he didn’t wait until he got out of prison to do it.

Cas decided then that maybe it was time for a redo for himself too. He had to move on. He didn’t know if there could be anything with Dean. They had only exchanged a bare handful of words, yet it was enough to give him hope. There could be something out there. Maybe it wouldn’t be Dean, who knows, but he hoped that there could be something--something that would make him not want to keep looking back. With those thoughts in mind, and Dean’s face shining out in the dark bar, Cas drifted back to sleep.


	7. Wednesday Afternoon, 3pm

There were only so many avenues left to pursue. One was the sit and wait one, while the other was the make a deal one. Ezra seemed to be the only one that wanted to wait. He sat across from them at the table in the bustling restaurant. The early afternoon crowd wore more black than a funeral procession and talked at a volume that echoed off the high walls. This was a place they frequented often with their clients. Usually, this was the place to go to strategize, or schmooze, or finalize the last moments of the attorney/client connection. Today they hoped to get Ezra to negotiate a deal.

Somehow he had managed to convince himself that they were winning. They weren’t. Gabe was more frustrated than anyone. He ran his finger around the rim of the tumbler in front of him. The last dregs of whiskey diluted by the melting ice. “Look Ezra, we gave it all we could. Now, you just gotta pay the piper. You don’t want to get stuck with the verdict.” They had been having this discussion for some time now. The frustration in Gabe’s tone was starting to peek through his normally jovial manner.

Ezra’s eyes squinted at him as he spoke, “You just don’t seem to be hearing me when I say, that we got this.” He looked over at Cas and Uriel next as if looking for support. “I saw the eyes of the jury members. They like me. You all just need to grow a pair and wait for the big reveal.” Ezra leaned back in his chair throwing out a long sigh.

It was Cas’ turn to try, “What you actually saw was mild irritation. They don’t like you Ezra. They don’t. And you are about to find out just how much they don’t like you.” Cas tried to give him all of the gravity of the situation; he hated losing. He could see that the man was growing irritated himself at being fought on his point. “You need to take the deal. They have been quite generous. The court won’t be. You will be ruined.”

Ezra quietly leaned forward in his chair so that his face was just close enough to give him a little menace. His mop of grey hair falling into his face a little before he spoke. “Now, I have put up with a lot, but I won’t put up with this. I put up with you pansy asses telling me to stop talking to the press. I put up with you telling me that I don’t have a chance in Hell of winning. But I will be damned if I am going to let you look down that smug nose of yours judging me, Cas. I am not interested in getting fucked in the ass today unlike some people at this table.”

Cas stood then, and in one fluid motion leaned closer to Ezra. “You are a fool. You are lucky that I have just enough decency and self-control to let it slide. Take the deal, don’t take the deal. I’m done with you.” Cas backed away from the table then and stalked away, but not before he heard Ezra’s quietly muttered insult.

“Damn faggot.” It wasn’t meant for Cas to hear. It was Ezra just losing control, which was also a habit of his, one that had made the entire situation he was in so much worse.

Cas paused, but only briefly. He heard the sound of chairs scraping behind him and Uriel’s voice.

“I think that we will be going too.” He gravelled out.

Cas didn’t wait, he couldn’t. The situation demanded a swift departure back to his office. He was halfway down the sidewalk when he felt the presence at his side, “Well, that went great.” Cas muttered at Uriel.

“Asshole. He deserves the verdict that he gets.” Cas looked up at Uriel’s face. It was a portrait of irritation. The tight line of his mouth pinched together in his dark face, his eyes opened just slightly against the piercing afternoon sun. They walked on in silence for a block before Uriel spoke again, “Gabe stayed behind. Damage control.”

“Better him than me.”

“Yeah. I don’t think that he wanted the duty.

They made it back to the office and parted ways at Cas’ door. “Thanks Uriel.”

He smiled at him. “Anytime.” 

\---

The email from Gabe came through at 3:00. The subject line read: Singing Hamster Babies.

Cas smiled when he read it. He didn’t care if it was another video from the bar or one of Gabe’s other messages, he opened it. It was becoming apparent to him that this was what would pass for Gabe’s brand of affection. He was willing to accept it. He read the message, He’s just an old barrow boy… and then opened the attachment. He recognized the line from a Queen song. It was one of his favorite break-up songs. He listened to it on repeat back when Charles left.

The scene was from the bar. Cas was on the stage. He looked like confidence personified. He held the mic in two hands and leaned into it as he gravelled out the words. The tune wasn’t as high as Mercury’s vocals in the original rendition, but Cas gave it a new, unique gravity. He totally nailed the low lying portion of the vocals. Gabe panned out to the crowd and it was then that he noticed Dean at the table. 

He was watching, expression serious. Cas couldn’t tell if he liked the song, or the singer. The camera panned more. Damn it Gabe, go back. The crowd was into it. The song ended with applause. Gabe had panned up to Cas and zoomed in a little. His face looked a little sad. The announcer came back to the stage and told the crowd that Cas was moving on to the final round. More cheering. Gabe zoomed back out and panned to the table again and Cas caught a glimpse of Dean looking at him again, a slight smile curling up at the edge of his lips, before the scene cut out.

Frustrated, Cas made his way to Gabe’s office intending to beg. Let me see the next video. Let me see all of the videos. He was tired of the waiting, the not knowing. Today had already been frustrating enough.

He met Gabe at the door though, “Whoa, cowboy. What’s the rush.” Gabe said while holding up his hands to keep Cas from running him over.

“Oh, sorry. You heading out?”

“To get you and Uriel. The verdict is in. We need to head over to the courthouse. We’re meeting Ezra there.”

\---

They arrived at the courthouse and spotted Ezra down the hall just outside of the entrance to the courtroom. He was talking with a dark haired man in an impeccable black suit. God, don’t let it be another reporter. Although, who really cares at this point. The man did not look like a reporter though. He had a certain gravity to his stance that seemed to command even Ezra.

When they drew close to Ezra, the other man backed away. “‘Bout time you boys got here.” Ezra seemed to have forgotten the tense lunch from just a couple of hours before.

Gabe spoke first, “Well, you ready to face the piper?” 

“Don’t sound so defeated. I got a lot in my corner, even if you boys don’t see it.” He turned to Cas next, “I want to apologize for lunch. I should not have, well, you know.” Ezra waved a hand in dismissal.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Cas replied. The four of them moved into the courtroom followed by the man in black. They walked down the central aisle and took their seats at the front. The man in black sat in a seat at the back of the courtroom. He looked familiar, but Cas didn’t have time to think about that. Gabe was whispering something to Ezra. The room was settling in. They waited silently for a few minutes before the jury began filing into their seats.

The rest was so surreal that Cas was having a hard time processing it. When the verdict was about to be read, Cas imagined their next word. Guilty. The forewoman stood up and said, “We the jury, find the defendant not guilty.”

The room made audible noises of shock. This was an easy case. They should not have won. Cas stared at the face of the forewoman and saw her nearly imperceptible glance at the back of the courtroom. His eyes panned to the back of the room to where she had looked. He saw the departing figure of the man in black.

“Told you, we had this. Good thing I didn’t listen to you.” Ezra stood. “I’ll be throwing a little celebratory dinner on Saturday. I expect you all to attend.” He shook Gabe’s hand then Uriel’s. Lastly, he turned to Cas, “No hard feelings?”

“None. Although, I have to admit that this is rather surprising.” 

“Yeah, I suppose it would be to you. You ought to have a little faith, or, at least, friends in high places.” He smiled then and walked away.

\---

Cas walked into Gabe’s office to find the room empty. He must have stepped out, his phone was on the table and the computer was still on. He sat at the table to wait. He wanted to tell him what he saw, what he thought he saw.

Gabe’s phone was in front of him. The phone with the videos. He only thought about it for a second before he snatched it up. For a moment he considered setting it back down. He turned the phone on. He knew the code to unlock it after so many times of seeing Gabe swype the code in. He clicked through to the gallery. There were quite a few videos. He selected one.

It was focused on hands. Odd. It seemed like the camera had been set on the table while it was recording. Maybe it was a mistake. He must have forgotten to hit stop. The voice he heard was Gabe’s, “Gonna hit the head. Don’t do anything exciting ‘till I get back.” He meant to record this. He just didn’t want to miss anything. Cas had to laugh a little at his friend’s odd quirks. A little creepy, Gabe.

“So, what have you sang so far?” Cas had only heard this voice a handful of times, but he knew it well. The voice belonged to Dean. There was a roughness to it an edge that made Cas warm a little when he heard it.

“Dancing Queen may have happened,” Cas’ voice.

“Oh, God.” Glad I showed up late. Dean’s voice actually sounded like it was cringing.

“Hey, I followed up with a little Rollling Stones--Satisfaction.” Cas thought that he sounded confident in the video. Why can’t I sound like that now? He recalled his stuttering efforts at conversation with Dean the other night on the phone and shuddered with embarrassment.

“Well, I am sorry that I missed that. Can’t go wrong with Jagger.” Dean’s tone was genuine. Another person joined the table. It appeared to be Anna, from the little bit that was visible. People had been dancing in the background, but now she was blocking out that view. “Sammy has said a lot of great things about you guys. I am glad to finally meet you all.”

“We’ve heard a lot of great things about you too.” Anna’s voice responded. She added, “I’m going to go get some more drinks from the bar. Anyone need a refill?”

“Oh, a girl after my own heart.” Dean replied. “I’ll take a beer. Whatever’s on tap. I’m not picky.” There was movement and one of his hands left the scene and came back with some bills. “What are you getting, Cas?”

“I’ll have the same.” Cas could see himself reaching back to get his wallet.

“No, let me get this round. Least I could do for Sam’s friends.” Dean’s hand reached over to his and pressed it just a little. 

“You don’t have to do that. Sam is great. We should be covering you,” Cas responded.

“Why do you say that?”

“He said that you practically raised him. Seems like you should get a little payback for doing such a good job.” Cas noticed that their hands were still connected. 

Another hand showed up then. It grabbed the phone and the video ended with Gabe’s voice, “Miss anything?”

Cas looked up from the phone and saw that Gabe was leaning in the doorway, watching him with the phone. “See anything you like in there?” 

“Oh, um. Sorry.” He practically tossed the phone across the table as he fumbled with it. “I just got a little curious. I shouldn’t have used your phone though.”

“Don’t sweat it. You deserve a little pick me up after the day we’ve had. Did you watch one of the musical ones or one of the talkies?” Gabe asked as he settled into the seat across the table from Cas.

“A talkie. You are a little creepy, Gabe.” Cas settled back into the seat.

“Just be glad I was. It was a good night. Since you have no solid memories of it, it is my duty to get you up to speed.” He picked up the phone then and selected a video, and passed the phone back to Cas, “Here’s a freebie, but no more today. You gotta savor this.”

Cas clutched the phone in front of him and watched as he stood on the stage. He started singing Blaze of Glory by Bon Jovi. Apparently my brain knew that there had been Bon Jovi. He was a little nervous about what he would see. In the dream he had been singing Wanted Dead or Alive to Dean. In the video, though, he seemed to be spreading his attention around. Gabe had panned around the crowd, and he noticed that Anna had stepped up next to Dean. She appeared to be saying something in his ear.

Oh, no. He watched as she slipped her hand down his arm and into his hand. She pulled him out onto the dance floor. The song was just slow enough that she could treat it like it deserved a slow dance. She moved like she was made of water. Dean responded. They slid over each other while Cas kept singing. Her hands ran up into his hair at the back of his neck as she leaned in. Gabe panned back up to Cas. The video stayed on Cas until the end. Cas had his eyes closed as he hit the end note and held it. The crowd hooted and cheered. Gabe panned around again. Dean and Anna had separated, and he saw Dean put two fingers in his mouth and blow out a loud whistle. The video ended there.

“So, you like that one? I think that was your best song.” Gabe asked as he reached for the phone.

Cas handed it back. “I’m not sure what I think.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did Anna and Dean spend a lot of time together that night?” He tried to sound casual, but Gabe could always read him.

“Ha, you are so obvious.” Gabe put the phone in his jacket and started gathering his work into his briefcase.

“Well?”

“I think that was the only dance. At least it was the only one I saw.” Gabe smiled over at him. “So, you think you should be getting all interested in your co-worker’s rather hetero bro?”

“Who said I was interested?” 

“Just so you know, I don’t approve. I don’t like how he gives off mixed signals.”

“Really, I never said that I was interested.”

“Nevermind. I wish I had time to harass you more, but Kali and I have plans.”

“I never said that I was interested.” Cas tried to continue.

“Uh, huh. keep saying that to yourself and maybe someday it’ll be true. Today, though, not so much. Now, really, skeedaddle. I need to go, and I don’t trust your snooping ass in my office.” He smiled at him again as he motioned toward the door.

Cas left with one thought in his mind, I am so interested it is actually pathetic.


	8. Thursday Maybe

It was midnight and he could not sleep. The week was dragging him through coals of fire. Friday was a distant fantasy, now it was just barely out of reach but so tantalizingly close. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t terrified. He could just talk to Sam and find out if he was wrong to hope. The thought of having that conversation though, was way more terrifying. So, he avoided it. It couldn’t be a date. He saw the way that he had danced with Anna. He had played the scene over in his mind and each time the dance became more and more sensual. She had called him hot. Clearly, she was interested he told himself. 

He had said that he felt grateful to Cas for his friendship toward Sam. Maybe this was how he showed his gratitude. Hanging out on a Friday. Bro time, Anna would call it if she was trying to be funny about the few events that she had been excluded from in their friendship. Like Gabe’s poker nights. They only left her out twice, then they stopped being stupid. Cas smiled at the thought while he laid on the couch.

His phone buzzed. He flipped it over and saw the message icon. It was Dean.   
Just making sure you aren’t bailing on me tomorrow.

Okay, be intelligent. Be confident. He held the phone in front of him and tried to think of something witty to say. Really, stop trying to be funny. It never works. He waited a second more before typing.   
Of course not.

That worked. Not too long. Not too stupid sounding. Maybe ask a question.  
So, what are you doing?

He waited. The reply came back quickly.  
Watching a movie. You?

Damn it. I am not doing anything. I need to do something right now. It is midnight. I could make a snarky comment about sleeping. No, that would end the conversation. I want to keep it going. Think, Cas. What the Hell should I be doing? I have just hit rock bottom. I literally have nothing that I can say. Make something up…  
Reading. What movie are you watching?

That was safe. Good job, Cas. Tiny party for you. He started pacing around the room a little. Nervous energy was bubbling over with each step. When the message buzz happened again he almost jumped.

The Evil Dead. What are you reading?

He walked over to his bookshelf to see what he could honestly answer. Well, not honestly, but at least close to it. He scanned the shelves and felt like his selection was inadequate. This guy just said that he was watching a horror film, and he had shelves of period piece novels from the likes of the Bronte sisters. He closed his eyes then and decided to pick the book that his hand fell on first.  
The Great Gatsby. Do you usually watch horror films?

The reply came almost immediately.  
I vaguely remember that book from high school. I think that Sammy likes it. Horror films are my go to if I need to sleep.

Cas wondered if he should try to get information about Friday, but didn’t know where to begin. Also, who watches horror films to sleep? There is an odd little fact to put on the Dean Winchester shelf. Let’s set up Friday, Cas. Keep it simple.  
So, I should be done at the office around 5ish tomorrow. Does that work for you?

There was a long stretch where no messages came through. He started to pace the room again. Then when the time passage was too maddening he sat, got up again, sat, then paced back to the kitchen. The phone buzzed.  
Late start. I don’t think that one day will be enough then.

What in the world did we plan? Can’t be dinner or taking in a movie. What could possibly take more than a few hours. He let his mind wander over that one for a bit until the phone buzzed again.  
Mind if I crash in your guest room tomorrow night then?

Mind, not at all. Don’t mind me while I have this little heart attack over here. Sound cool. You can do this. Cas funneled through his varied thoughts until he felt like going with brevity and an indifferent tone.  
Not a problem.

He regretted his tone as soon as he sent it. It was too disinterested. He did not want to sound like he was disinterested. He sent a follow-up.  
I’ve been looking forward to your company all week.

Bah! Redo, Undo….Shit. What did I do? Why did I send that? That sounded so pathetic. I talked to him for like what 10 minutes...Breathe, Cas. Just breathe. Remember, you fell, had a concussion, maybe. We can totally blame the concussion.  
Of course I did have a minor head trauma, so maybe I have just been confused all week. :)

There, that should fix things. I used the smiley emoticon. No one can read too much into words that are followed by a smiley face. The smiley face says, nothing to worry about here. It’s all good. He read back through the last text again just to be sure that it was okay. Then the phone buzzed again.  
Me too. See you Friday ;)

He got up again. Instead of normal pacing he practically skipped around the condo. He scrolled back up through the texts to read them again. He wondered if he should reply, but decided to cut himself off. No sense in risking it. Then, of course, he began overthinking it. What did he mean when he said, “Me too.”? Did he mean it as a response to Cas saying that he had looked forward to company or to the head trauma? At first he thought that it meant that Dean had been looking forward to Friday too. Did it matter? He wasn’t sure. Regardless, he let himself bask in the glow of the winky-face emoticon. Nothing could be wrong with words followed by the winky-faced emoticon. Especially if it was sent by Dean.

He went to bed then, but his mind raced, and it was a long time before he fell asleep.


	9. Thursday's Child

The day was pleasant. He hadn’t slept well, but he had enjoyed his night. His brain still buzzed with thoughts of the conversation. He periodically went back to the phone to scroll through the message thread. He smiled brightly as he made his way through the last messages. He worried a little about how he had come across, but he chose not to dwell on it too much. He just wanted to glide through this day and power through the next. Life is bliss. He let out a luxurious sigh as he moved the text messages back to the top to begin rereading them again. I will never get anything done at this rate. He smiled to himself as he continued reading. All at once he had the feeling that he was being watched. He looked up to find Anna and Sam propped up in his doorway, staring at him. Mirth and mischief played out in their half turned smiles.

“So, Cas, whatcha doin’?” Sam asked in a manner that was touched with humor.

“Yeah, Cas, whatcha doin’?” Anna mimicked. The two of them came and slumped down into his office chairs like they had no intention of leaving anytime soon.

“Working.” Cas answered brusquely, then revised his tone, “Why is it that you two are never working? I am starting to think that I am the only one that does anything around here.” He smiled at them as he spoke so that they would know that he was not serious.

“Oh, so that is what we are calling this.” Sam smirked. “Did Dean confirm tomorrow’s plans?”

“He texted.” Cas didn’t want to share too much.

“I heard that he is planning to stay in town until Saturday.” Sam added. 

“Yes.” Cas was feeling a knot growing in his stomach. He did not want to have this conversation with Sam or anyone else for that matter. 

“Well, I am not sure that I approve, Cas.” Sam smiled at him again then turned to Anna, “Do you approve, Anna?”

“I can’t say that I do. This is going entirely too fast.” She smiled too.

“I do not know what you are talking about.” They were having fun with him. I am not ready for this. “You two should leave; I am way too busy for this--whatever this is.” He got up to usher them out the door. 

“All kidding aside, Cas. I would like to talk with you.” Sam’s expression changed to a more serious one as he stood to go. “You free for lunch?”

“Sure. Is everything okay?” Cas felt a slight concern creep up into his stomach at the look on Sam’s face.

“Yeah, don’t worry. I just needed to share some thoughts.” Anna stepped out and Sam turned back. “I’ll come by at 12:30. We could walk to lunch together.”

“Sounds like a solid plan.” With that they left, and Cas was left wondering what Sam wanted to share. He set the phone aside and tried to push the thoughts aside too. At this rate, I really will get nothing done today.  
\---

It was an extra warm August afternoon, and all of the layers of clothing that he had worn to work that morning would have been too much had he gone walking to lunch in them. He decided to shed a couple of items in his office before heading out to get Sam. When he emerged from the office, he was wearing only his slacks and his dress shirt. The tie and jacket were left hanging in the closet. He had checked his phone again before leaving, but there was nothing new to note. That was okay, though, he rather enjoyed the old thread just fine.

Cas was ready to go a little early so he decided to meet Sam over in his office instead of waiting for him in his own. As he approached he could hear voices coming from inside. The door was cracked a little and he thought that the other voice was Anna’s.

“You should get going. It is almost 12:30,” Anna said. “Not that he will notice. Probably just staring at that phone still.”

“Yeah, just give me a sec,” Sam replied.

“What’s up? You having second thoughts?” Anna had a note of concern in her tone.

“Uh, no. Not really. I just feel awkward.” Sam muttered a bit.

“Well, don’t. Suck it up. You can’t put in all of this effort and not warn the guy.” Anna paused then added, “He is your friend, ya know.”

“It is just weird talking about your brother with your best friend.” Sam sounded like he was shuffling around.

“Ahhh, I thought that I was your best friend, Sammy.” Anna chuckled a little and sounded like she was shuffling around too.

“You too Anna. Gabe asked if he should send over another video. I told him to hold off ‘till tonight.”

What? Why would Sam do that? They are conspiring against me. He realized too late that he was standing at their door as they were coming out. It was obvious that he had been listening.

“Oh, uh, hi, Cas.” Sam stuttered out as he opened the door.

“So, we eavesdrop now, Cas?” Anna added.

“I, uh, just got here.” Cas did not sound convincing.

“What did you hear?” Sam asked, while putting on his best bitch face.

“Nothing. You were just talking about the videos. Why would you tell Gabe to hold off?”

“I think that Gabe shouldn’t distract you so much, that’s all.” Sam did not sound convincing, but he used his super powers of redirection to get them out of this conversation. “You ready to go?”

“Anna, are you going too?” Cas turned to her.

“Oh, no. I brought a lunch. You boys have fun.” She smiled and flowed past them back to her office.

“Shall we?” Sam motioned out to the doors and they left.

\---

Cas felt a growing sense of unease as they found a seat at the back of the cafe. Cas told himself that there was no reason to feel nervous. This was Sam. They were friends, best friends according to the conversation that he overheard. He felt a little warmth at the thought that Sam valued his friendship that much. He set the menu aside. He had only opened it to give himself time to settle his nerves. He always ordered the same thing. It was another example of his desire to keep order in a world of chaos. Keeping things the same was safe. Changing things was risky and maybe eventually upsetting. So, although, he was excited by the prospect of change with Sam’s brother, he was also quite scared of what that change could bring.

So far, he had managed to push that particular worry down by telling himself that it was platonic. Yes, totally platonic. I am not getting worked up about this at all. He was not feeling particularly successful in his efforts though, thus the growing knot of fear in his stomach. 

Sam was still looking over the menu. What could he want to talk about? Maybe he needs to talk about the Jess situation. That would be nice. I should offer to help out with the restoration. Sometimes, even an inept helper is better just for the company.

“What’s on your mind? You look like you are about a million miles away,” Sam asked as he put aside his menu.

“I was just thinking about our talk from the last time that we were here. I wanted to offer up a little help, but I didn’t mention it last time, because I thought that I might be overstepping.”

“What do you mean?” Sam folded his hands together in front of him over the menu.

“I am not really all that great in the manual labor department, but I would like to help you out with the restoration work. I mean, if you would like a hand.” He stuttered a little thinking while he spoke that he may have been overstepping. “I mean, I don’t want to intrude. I know that you said that it meant something more and I might not really belong and all that, but…”

“Dude, you are rambling. I’ll take all the help I can get. I actually had an idea that I was going to run by you on just that subject.” 

“Oh, sorry about that. I do that more lately. I can’t seem to focus.”

“I noticed.” Sam smiled that knowing smile of his and continued, “Anyway, my plan is for a little Labor Day weekend labor party.” Sam leaned forward a little, looking pleased with himself as he explained. “You see, part of why I think that Dean is struggling with the restoration work is that it affords too many opportunities for talking about feelings and such.”

“I’m not sure that I am following,” Cas interrupted. “Isn’t that the point of the restoration? I thought that you called it therapy or something like that .”

“Yeah, Jess thinks of it that way, but Dean requires a different kind of approach. I think that he needs subtlety and way less talking,” Sam paused to look around for the waitress before continuing. “I see how he gets when he is working with me. I’m his brother. I can’t just watch him hurting and not say something. So, everytime, and I mean everytime, that he has come over for work we end up on that path. I see him sad, I try to talk about it, he tries to change the subject, I redirect, he gets angry, we don’t talk for a week.”

“So, the labor party plan is what exactly?”

“Well, it’s a plan that will keep me from screwing everything up. I will be too distracted by all of my friends to pester my brother about his feelings. My friends will be too distracting to my brother for him to become upset. And, lastly, I will have my own personal crew of workers helping me fix my house all for the price of a couple of meals.” Sam’s face was eager as he explained without fully explaining.

“So, let me get this straight. You want all of us to come work on your house so that you won’t be tempted into talking to your brother too much. Am I getting this?”

“Sounds like a good plan, right?”

“So, Anna, Uriel, Gabe and I?”

“They already said yes. You want to join the party?” Sam smiled over at Cas. The waitress came over to the table and took their order. The interruption gave Cas time to process.

“Are you sure that you aren’t just too cheap to pay for a contractor?” Cas said with a laugh.

“Oh, you got me there.” Sam laughed too.

“Well, of course I am willing to help. I think that I actually volunteered before the explanation, but your plan seems to be flawed.”

“Really, how so?” Sam’s eyebrows knitted up a bit with consideration.

“Well, don’t you think that he maybe needs to talk about it? If he is just pushing all of that down, won’t it just be a bigger problem later?”

“Baby steps, Cas. This is a baby step toward feeling the feels.” Sam cocked his head to the side then and added, “Kind of odd, hearing you say that though.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you are the king of pushing down the feels.” 

“Actually, no, I am the king of karaoke.” He laughed at his little joke and Sam joined him. “Seriously, though, I don’t think that I am that bad.”

“Well, you aren’t as bad as Dean. You two are quite similar.”

“Are we?” Cas felt his stomach do a warm fluttering move as he considered Sam’s words.

“Very.” Sam did not seem like he was going to elaborate which was a little frustrating for Cas.

“So, was the labor party plan the only thing that you wanted to discuss with me today?”

“Hmm, mostly.” Sam was avoiding eye contact now.

“So?”

“The other night at the bar…” Sam fidgeted.

Why is he so nervous? 

“I called Dean to pick me up, but I didn’t really do it because I needed a ride. I mean, there are plenty of ways that I could have gotten home, no problem. I didn’t need to have Dean drive 20 minutes to pick me up.”

“So, why did you call him then?”

“I have been worried about him. You see, he has been kind of a loner. He has me and uncle Bobby, but that is pretty much it. He sees it too. When he was over a few weeks ago, Jess came by and he made a comment about how it wouldn’t be long now before wedding bells and the pitter patter of little feet. This wouldn’t be much of a big deal, except that there was something in the way that he said it. I can’t explain it, but there was loneliness in it. Bobby even asked me if I had noticed something off about Dean. Which is big. Bobby also doesn’t feel the feels.”

“What do you think is wrong?” Cas asked when Sam grew quiet.

“I think that he never figured out how to be with people. We lost mom when we were young. Dad was not a good example of how to be around people.”

“How did you turn out so well then?” Cas smiled at Sam.

“I have my issues. Ironically, I got a lot of love and support from Dean, but he didn’t have anyone giving that back to him. A kid brother feeling devotion, just wasn’t quite enough, I guess.” Sam sounded more saddened then. 

“I bet Dean would disagree with you on that.”

“Maybe, but it doesn’t change the fact. I think that he feels like he is being left behind. He is happy for Jess and I, but I think that it is making his loneliness deeper.” Sam made eye contact now. “Also, I think that Bobby started seeing someone, so that is adding to things.”

“Hmm, I see.” Cas wondered where all of this information was going. Why tell Cas any of this? He thought of Dean feeling left behind by all of the people that he loved. First his mom dies, then his dad. His kid brother is building a full separate life. Even the rude uncle that hangs up on perfectly friendly attorneys managed to find someone. Then he gave voice to his wonderings without realizing that he was doing so, “Why is Dean single?”

Sam gave Cas a half smile at that question before he answered, “I think that he is worried that if he lets anybody in he will lose them, or be left behind by them.” Sam’s smile slipped away with the words. “It is why I called him the other night, for the ride. I wanted him to meet my friends. I wanted him to get to know you all, and I had hoped that he would feel accepted-- maybe even comfortable. He doesn’t really seem to have that in his life.”

“Does he have many friends?” Cas asked.

“None. I think that he has a lot of acquaintances. He doesn’t have anything deep. That would involve conversations, and we have already established his struggles in that area.”

“So you were just hoping that we would all like Dean and want to be his friend?”

“I had a lot of hopes that night, and plenty of alcohol. I don’t know if you noticed, but I practically slept in the booth for most of the night.”

“I do recall, that you were not interacting much. I don’t recall much else from that night though. From what I have seen in the videos, your plan seemed to work. Dean seemed to get along with all of us. I seemed to enjoy visiting with him, and Anna seemed to enjoy dancing with him.” Cas said the last with a slight hint of melancholy, but he tried to cover it quickly by lifting his mug of coffee to his lips.

“I don’t think that Dean was too into the dancing. He never was much into that.” Sam threw out casually.

“Hmm, they seemed to have enjoyed the dance,” Cas countered.

“If you say so.” The food came to the table then and they both started eating. After a little time, Sam added, “So, did you see the invite to Ezra’s celebratory dinner party?”

“I did not see it, but I got the invite in person. Was there anything concerning about it?” Cas scooped up another forkful of the salad to eat while Sam responded.

“No, it is just that Dean might still be here. If you don’t mind, I would like to ask him to bring some formalwear so that he can go with us. Would you mind?”

“Uh, no. Why would I mind?” Cas stammered.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because I am interrupting your plans with my brother.” Sam smirked a little.

“I assure you that you are not. Also, I have no clue what our plans are, to be perfectly honest with you. All that I know is that he is showing up tomorrow and that he is staying over in the guest room until Saturday.” Cas noticed Sam’s widening smile then, “And stop with the looks. They are maddening. If I had known that this lunch was going to be so entertaining to you, I might have declined.”

Sam held up a placating hand at that and said, “Sorry, sorry. I will get my face in check.” He was still smiling though. At least it was a little more subdued. “I just am glad, that’s all. I’m glad that Dean found my friends appealing.”

“I think that Dean is not as socially inept as you might think,” Cas ventured.

Sam turned serious again, “No, he is. He hasn’t dated in, well ever, Cas. I am not sure that it is normal for someone his age to have no dating life whatsoever.”

“What do you mean by no dating life?” Cas asked with some concern creeping into his tone.

“I mean, well, he is no saint. He gets out there, but not in any way that would be described as dating. It is all rather superficial. I can’t name a single person that he has seen on more than one occasion.”

“Oh, that is concerning. So, he has never seen someone more than once, that you know of?”

“That’s right. I mean, we don’t exactly live together or anything, but if there had been someone significant, I would have known.” Sam paused to take a bite while Cas mulled over the information. “I worry about him. I want him to have what Jess and I have. I have hopes for him. I think that maybe, eventually, he will come out of his little shell. Maybe he’ll stop worrying about all that he can lose and take a risk.”

“Hmm.” Cas concentrated on his plate in front of him. He was having a hard time with some of the details that Sam had shared. I don’t think that I can do this. I don’t think that I am what Dean needs. He was growing more and more agitated by the second. He thought about Charles and all of the things that he couldn’t fix in that relationship. Here was a moment, a defining moment, and he needed to make a choice. He could stop this before it started and save them both a lot of grief, or he could hope that somehow this time, he could be just what someone needed. This isn’t even a dating situation anyway. Sam said that Dean needed a friend, not a boyfriend. That must be why he told me all of this. He wants me to know that Dean just needs a friend. I can be that. I think that I would like to be that.

Sam interrupted his thoughts to say, “So, I am going to text Dean about bringing the monkey suit for the party. Unless, of course, you want to let him know.”

“No, that is okay. You take care of it.” Cas decided to focus more attention on finishing his meal and was glad to see that Sam was doing the same. It was going to take Cas a bit of concentration to refocus his thoughts on Dean as a friend instead of as something more profound.


	10. Boys of Summer on a Thursday Night

He was depressed. He had the same song on repeat and he had been staring out the window of his condo for nearly an hour. He picked up the remote and changed the song from Eric Clapton’s Tears in Heaven to Don Henley’s Boys of Summer. The changing of the song was enough to make him get up from the couch. He decided to retrieve his laptop. He was more unhappy with his change of plans concerning Dean than he had thought was possible. Not that he had made any real plans, but there was an ache that depressing music was not helping to heal. 

He went back to the couch and opened up the laptop. Of course, there was an email from Gabe with the subject line: Dean is a baby hedgehog. The video began with a scene of Dean and Sam sitting at the table with Cas. The camera focused on the background and found Anna dancing with Uriel. They were good. The song was the B-52’s Love Shack and Anna was singing at the top of her lungs while Uriel flung her around. The crowd of dancers made room for them. The woman that was singing the song onstage was certainly being upstaged by the dance and particularly by Anna, whose red hair swirled around in wild, whipping abandon. When the singer got to the infamous convoluted line at the end of the song, she practically shouted it down at Anna and Uriel. When the crowd cheered, it was more for the dancers than for the singer.

Sam started talking to Dean, but seemed to include Cas too. “We should totally go to Cas’ house after. Everyone will need a ride home.”

“Well, I have consumed one beer in the past two hours so it looks like I am your chauffeur,” Dean offered.

“I am drunk.” Cas offered up pointlessly.

“Yes, buddy. You are most definitely drunk,” Dean said with a smile. “So, you want a ride home later?”

“I so want a ride home.” Cas was grinning.

“So, Cas, do you think that we can crash at your place?” Sam asked.

Cas turned to Sam now. “That would be fine. I have beds.”

“Okay, then,” Sam said as he turned to Dean, “We will just go to Cas’ place afterwards and then we can sleep there. It is way closer than either of our places.

“And I have beds.” Cas kept up his random offerings with a smile. Uriel and Anna came over to the table then.

“We miss anything?” Uriel asked as he looked at Cas’ grinning face.

“Just Cas letting everyone know that he has beds. Apparently that is super important. Like way more important than him picking the last song.” Gabe’s voice could be heard from outside of the scene.

“We are staying at Cas’ place tonight. We’ll just go home tomorrow.” Sam shared with Uriel and Anna.

“WhooHoo, party at Cas’ place.” Anna hooted and they all laughed. “So who’s turn is it to pick Cas’ song? Uriel picked Dancing Queen, I picked Satisfaction; thank you very much, Gabe picked Blaze of Glory, and Cas picked Death on Two Legs, so that means that it is Sammy’s turn to pick or Dean’s.”

“I don’t think that Cas is sober enough to do much more singing.” Sam observed.

“I can totally sing. I am going to sing and it is going to be not horrible.” Cas stood up to show his resolve. “Dean, you pick the last song.” Cas said while he motioned toward the sign-up book. Then he lowered his voice, leaned over toward Dean, and added, not so quietly, “Make it an easy one. I don’t think I can do much more.” He turned to the others then and smiled.

“Sure thing. I think that I know just the song.” With that Dean walked up to the book, threw back a slight smile, and wrote Cas’ last song. The video ended there.

Cas stared down at the screen and closed his eyes. He could remember what happened next. He knew what the next song would be, and he knew why Dean had picked it. This is why he matters. He thought about the man that sat across from him that night and how he had told him about his favorite song earlier that evening. He picked that song for Cas. He gave me his favorite song. He thought about the many reasons why he should stop thinking about him, but then he could counter with so many reasons why he should try to save him. That isn’t how life works. I won’t save him. He’ll just pull me down with him. It would be Charles all over again. He paused in his thoughts then and let out a sigh. Get a grip, Cas. He isn’t even interested anyway. None of this matters.

It was then that he heard the thumping knock that was so distinctively Gabe’s. He got up to open the door. “What’s up, Gabe?”

“Oh, not much. Glad I caught you. You get any good emails lately?” He smirked as he walked into the condo. Sometimes it was nice having your friend living just down the hall. This was not one of those times. Cas just wanted to wallow in self-pity. Gabe would make that difficult.

“I just finished watching it. I was thinking that I might go to bed now. So…” Cas was interrupted.

“Bah, you don’t go to bed this early, and what the hell are you listening to? It sounds like the saddest 90’s mix tape.” Gabe walked over to the stereo and swiftly twisted the volume dial all the way to quiet.

“Did you just come over to critique my music?” Cas made his way over to the fridge and pulled out a soda for Gabe. He grabbed a water for himself. Resigned already to the fact that he would not be getting rid of Gabe anytime soon.

“No, I view that as just a side benefit for you. After all, how will you ever improve without constant criticism?” Gabe cracked open the soda and chuckled a little as he took a seat on the stool at the kitchen bar.

Cas joined him at the neighboring stool, and asked, “So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?”

“Sadly, work.” Gabe seemed to be fidgety this evening. “I may have done something regrettable and I need to talk about it.”

Cas felt worry creeping up his spine. Gabe was giving off a different vibe from the typical flippancy that he displayed. “What did you do? I am sure that it can’t be that bad.”

“So, you know how I said that Kali and I had plans the other day?”

“Uh, huh.” Cas nodded in acknowledgement.

“Well, it was kind of a business meeting.” Gabe was avoiding eye contact as he shared.

“Are we doing business with her firm now? I would think that Zach would have mentioned that at one of the meetings,” Cas questioned.

“Uh, no. We don’t, but we might. I didn’t realize that it was going to be a business meeting. We were just going to meet up for dinner and one of her clients was going to be there too.”

“Hmm, so is that how you are explaining this to Zach? Are you just testing the story out on me?” Cas turned to him fully now.

“Stick with me, Cas. It was an innocent dinner. We mostly talked about non-work related stuff, but then things just sort of shifted. I found myself diving into the deep end of the pool before I knew it.”

“What are you going to do? You know how Zach feels about us going outside of the plan. We work the cases that he sends us. We work with the clients that he sends us. We don’t go rogue and meet with clients from other firms.” Cas paused a second then fell onto another point, “Hey, Anna said that Kali only takes on the capital cases. Who is this client?”

Gabe looked at him then and said, “You don’t want to know.”

“I do, actually.”

Gabe hesitated for a second more before he said, “His name is Crowley.” Gabe looked away now.

“What! Do you mean Crowley, like “Lucky” Crowley? The “Lucky” Crowley,” Cas repeated the name for emphasis.

“That Crowley. The not guilty of murder, totally cleared of all charges, rich bastard, Crowley.” Gabe seemed to take on an air of defensiveness.

 

“We don’t want that. We don’t need that. Get out of that bed before it is too late.” Cas stated the last bit with emphasis.

“I think that Zach will like this bed.” Gabe tossed back his head with a big gulp of the soda, “Besides, Crowley doesn’t need much. It is just a little defense in a money laundering case. The pay will be quite good, and the work will be easy peasy.”

“It won’t be that easy. That case will gain us way more attention than we need. We are not big players, Gabe. Ezra’s was the biggest case we have had, and that was a pain.”

“Nah, it wasn’t that bad. Ezra was a douche, but the case really wasn’t that bad.”

“The media attention for Crowley will make Ezra look like a walk in the park.”

“Well, I don’t think that the media attention is such a big deal. Also, we are practically already in bed with Crowley anyway,” Gabe added.

“What do you mean?”

“He and Ezra apparently have a working relationship or some such thing. I even hear that he will be at Ezra’s party.”

Cas had a dawning realization then. He remembered the man in black at the back of the courtroom. He remembered feeling like he was looking at someone familiar, but mostly he remembered the look that the forewoman gave to him. His concern was deepening, but he didn’t know what to say. “When will you tell Zach?”

“Tomorrow, before the morning meeting. I am a little worried that this meeting could go badly. I think that the connection will be good, but I don’t want to be on Zach's bad side. I realized too late that I should have spoken with him first; It’s regrettable that I didn’t. I am hoping that you will have my back.” Gabe looked at him with hope.

“I can’t say that I support this. He is not the kind of man that we want to get mixed up with. I don’t know what you want me to say.” Cas set down his drink and ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

“I don’t need you to like it; I just need you to support me. I would do this for you.” Gabe’s tone did not sound like begging. It carried to much underlying force for that.

“I don’t know.” Cas sat silently for a few moments. Oddly enough, so did Gabe. It was possibly the longest he had ever spent in silence. “I’ll do what I can for you, but it will come down to Zach. He won’t support this.”

“Leave that to me. If he feels like you support my decision, then he will accept my efforts. He’ll let us work with Crowley.”

Gabe looked triumphant as Cas spoke. “You need to think about this. We should not work with him.”

“Have a little faith, Cas. He isn’t that bad. In fact, he seemed like a nice guy.”

“Hmm, sure Gabe, and I bet that Eve thought that the devil seemed like a nice guy too right before she bit the apple.

\---

Gabe had left the condo a couple of hours later, but not before weighing in on Dean. “So, did you like the subject line on the last email? I thought that it was particularly adorable.”

“What are you talking about now?” Cas looked at him with exasperation.

“Dean is a baby hedgehog.” Gabe stated with a smile.

“I just don’t see how it is any different from any of your other subjects. They are all about baby animals. I am starting to think that you have a sick obsession with baby creatures.”

“Well, Sam mentioned some stuff about the lunch that you two had, and I thought that the subject line might make sense to you. Clearly, I am too deep.” Gabe let out a sigh in mock exasperation.

“Oh, do enlighten me oh wise one.” Cas snarked out at him with a grin.

“Have you ever seen a baby hedgehog?” Gabe asked.

“Not in real life, but I have seen them online.”

“Well, they are covered in prickly spikes and they use them for defense. They are cute on the surface but they hurt anything that gets too close. They are solitary creatures almost from birth. Their parents don’t do much to protect them, especially the males. They usually just kill the little buggers.”

“So Dean is like a baby hedgehog?” Cas looked at Gabe like he was a nut.

“Yes, but maybe he can be domesticated.”

“Gabe, your mind is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma.” Cas walked over to the door to usher him out. “Go home. I need to get a full night’s sleep if I am going to be dealing with your mess tomorrow.”

“Cas, thanks again. It will be okay. You’ll see. Once we get Zach on board it will all be fine.” Gabe strolled out the door and tossed back, “Have fun dreaming of your little hedgehog."

“Shut-up. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Cas closed the door with a sigh and headed for his bed to sleep and maybe dream.


	11. Only You

The text came through before sleep had taken over. It was 11 pm and still Thursday night. He picked up the phone to see who was bothering him now. It was Dean. He is certainly a night owl.

Are you still awake?

Cas replied immediately,  
Yes. 

Sam said that I need to bring a suit????

Cas had to laugh a little. At least he wasn’t the only one that was getting vague details from his friends.  
What, you don’t have a suit?

I have a suit. Not the point. Why do I need a suit?

Cas didn’t know why, but he wanted to be vague. He wanted to live in a world where he wasn’t the only one that was perpetually confused. He also felt like it was comforting to have Dean share that feeling with him.  
Didn’t Sam explain?

Obviously, no. And he hasn’t replied to me in over two hours. He is currently winning the award for the worst little brother ever.

Cas laughed again at Dean’s confusion and replied,  
Sam is great. He just likes mysteries. I have had the same experiences with him every day this week.

Really, what great mysteries has he kept from you?

I wish I could answer that. They are still mysteries. I keep asking about the night at the bar and all I get are vague hints at my behavior.

Cas reached over and grabbed another pillow to wedge behind his head. He wasn’t tired anymore, and he wanted to keep the conversation going. This is how we become friends.

Are you worried about something in particular?

Cas felt like there was more to that question, but he couldn’t pinpoint what.  
I don’t know. Maybe. Did I act like an idiot?

There was a long series of seconds that may have dragged out into a full minute before Dean’s reply came through.

No, maybe I did, but you didn’t. You were not what I expected.

What does that mean? Dean wasn’t up there singing, so he should not have anything to worry about. He wanted to ask what he expected. Just ask, Cas.  
What do you mean? Did Sam fill your head with all sorts of weird stories about his friends?

The reply came through a minute later.  
He talked a lot about all of you. It was like I already knew Anna, Uriel, and even Gabe before I got there.

But you didn’t feel like you knew me?

Not exactly. Sam told me things that let me feel like I knew who you were, but you must be different when you get a few drinks in you. Sam never told me anything about you being a singer.

I wonder what Sam told you. I wonder how pathetic I seemed.  
I don’t usually drink. I also don’t usually sing. I think that you might have a bad impression of me now.

I don’t. I wasn’t judging. Although, I have thoughts on the singing.

Do I want to know. It can’t be good. He must have thoughts on the last song. I am sure that I butchered his song.  
Do tell.

I haven’t heard Hey Jude sound better.

Wow. I am not sure what to say. Do I just say thanks and make light of it? No. It means something to him. He had said that it was the song that his mother use to sing to him when he was young. He had said that it was his favorite song. He just said that I made Hey Jude sound good. How is that even possible?  
That is too kind. I worried that I butchered the song.

You know that your crown is in my car? Should I bring it when I come tomorrow.

I have a crown?

Well, yeah. What would be the point of winning at karaoke if there weren’t a crown?

Clearly, I did it all for the crown:)

Oh, it was for the glory. I see. ;)

There he goes with the winking again. He is even cute in texts. Making friends, Cas. Friends.

A few minutes passed and Cas could not think of what to say next. He was starting to become drowsy again, but only a little. Then another text came through from Dean.  
So, you never told me why I needed a suit.

Because you will look great in a suit. Because there is likely nothing better looking in a suit than Dean Winchester. Because I want to see you in a suit. Because you plus suit equals everything gorgeous in the world. Because I want to be your friend that drools in the corner at the thought of you in that suit. Because, I am an idiot for thinking that we could just be friends. God, I can’t stop thinking about you like this. I need to stop.  
There is a party on Saturday night, and Sam really wanted you to come.

Oh, are you going too?

Yes.

I’ll think about it. I am not much of a suit wearing, fancy party kind of guy.

It would be nice if you came. I don’t think that I will enjoy talking with anyone at this event.

Guilt trip, much?

Did it work:)

Maybe;)

God, I will never want anything as much as this. Cas shifted on the bed and decided to focus on something more concrete than his feelings.  
What sort of food should we have tomorrow? Do you have any preferences?

I am fine with anything. I am kind of a burger and fries guy. I could cook if you wouldn’t find that odd.

Seriously, he wants to cook. I don’t even…  
You are my guest. You shouldn’t have to cook.

I like cooking. If you have the fixings for burgers at your place, I will prepare them. It’ll be fun. I have the world’s smallest kitchen, so I don’t cook much at home. I use to cook at Bobby’s, but he has a new situation.

Cas recalled that Sam had said something about Bobby dating someone and thought that Dean must be referring to that.  
This sounds like a good plan. I seem to be on the salad diet lately, so this will be a nice change.

I’ll see you tomorrow Cas. Don’t worry about getting together any tools either. I’ll bring mine from home.

Uh, tools? What plans did we make. Cas shuddered a moment with concern.

What do you mean?

?

Tools?

For the Triumph. You don’t need to have tools ready for me. I’ll bring my own.

I am having him work on the Triumph? Why am I doing that? This is not something that I would have arranged. That is Charles’ bike. No one needs to be touching it. Why, Cas? Then Dean messaged again.

You aren’t having second thoughts are you?

Maybe.

You said that you needed to fix it. You said a whole bunch of stuff about a redo. I think that maybe you should listen to yourself. Regardless, I am coming tomorrow with the tools. If you change your mind, you can let me know then.

Wouldn’t that be rude of me? I mean, you would drive all the way out here just to have me say nevermind?

I would. But you won’t say that.

What makes you so sure?

Well, if you do, you won’t have anyone to talk with at the Saturday party;)

Bribery, much?

Did it work:)

Maybe;)


	12. Dream a Little Dream

Sleep did not come easily to Cas that night. He laid awake feeling the jitters of anticipation for the day to come. Try as he might, he could not settle his nerves. He had Gabe’s little issue to deal with and then Dean would be here. Then there was the Ezra gathering, Uh. Maybe I can come down with influenza. No, Dean will be wearing a suit, and I don’t think I want to miss that. And like that, His mind was racing again--away from sleep.

When he finally stilled and laid in bed, his thoughts drifted onto the night at the bar. Onto a memory that was slipping back into focus. He had remembered the last song. He had also remembered what happened after the last song. His mind slipped into dreams that were more memories as he hummed Hey Jude.

The song was easier than some of the songs he had sung that night. The DJ told him that he would fade out the end after a couple of repeats of the refrain. He didn’t think that Cas needed to sing the nah, nah, nah part for two minutes. Despite being inebriated, Cas seemed to stand steadily at the mic.

The melody began and his voice came through in a low whisper that gradually picked up in volume. The audience was silent, and no one danced. His friends sat just beyond the stage with Dean at the center of their seating arrangement. As he reached the second stanza, Gabe pulled out a lighter and held it over his head while he swayed back and forth, a broad grin plastered on his face. Dean leaned back in his seat and watched steadily. Cas held his gaze as he continued into the next verse.

Anna raised a hand into the air then and started swaying with the music. She threw her other arm around Uriel, and the two of them were singing along. Sam smiled down at Dean from his seat next to him. At that moment Cas felt something like joy at the thought that these were his people. Most days were lonely, but tonight he didn’t feel that. Tonight, he felt so connected. His song seemed to climb out of the melancholy tone toward something like revelry, just as he was hitting the repeating lines of nah, nah, nah… at the end of the song. Gabe, Uriel, Sam, Anna, and Dean all got up out of their seats then and moved toward the stage. They stood together, arms wrapped around each other swaying and singing the end together. The audience sang it out too. Despite the plan, the DJ did not fade out the end. The audience was too into it.

Cas took a slight bow at the end and looked down at his people with a smile that he hoped conveyed his love for them. He caught Dean’s eyes and noticed that he looked sad. He sent him a smile and then became distracted by the DJ coming over to him.

The competition portion of the night was not the most organized thing ever. The winner seemed to be determined based on audience enthusiasm and the whims of the DJ/Announcer. The DJ walked right up to Cas with the most garishly cheap crown and placed it on Cas’ head. The crowd cheered and Uriel shooted out, “All hail the king!” His friends were laughing and he was smiling. This was a great night.

He noticed Dean slip out of the knot of his friends then. He was making his way toward the side door just past the stage. The DJ announced that they would get three more songs and then they would have to call it a night. The music came up again. Cas walked off the stage toward the door that Dean had taken.

As he slipped out into the alley he had felt a little unsteady. The alley was a little dark. He had not realized how hot it had been in the bar until the night air greeted him. It was a little sobering. He noticed Dean’s back right away as he stepped out into the dark. Dean turned to him as the door clicked shut behind Cas. “Shouldn’t you be celebrating your victory, your majesty?” Dean had asked him with a slight grin tugging at the corner of his lips.

“I was, but some of my court was missing, so I needed to wait.” Cas smiled back at him and took a tentative step toward him.

“Sorry, I just needed a little air. It was quite warm in there.” Dean was standing there in just his tee shirt, his jacket back inside at their table. The shirt was tight and showed his shape in a way that drew Cas’ eyes. 

Cas took another step toward Dean. They were close enough now that just a tiny step more would bridge the gap. He had wanted to pause, let Dean make the next move. He wasn’t sure if they were on the same page. The look in Dean’s green eyes seemed to intensify. “I was worried that you were upset. You looked sad,” he murmured.

“That song does that. I can’t help but think about my mom. When she sang it, I felt safe. I forget sometimes what that is like. To feel safe, connected.” Dean didn’t move. He didn’t break the stare. His eyes were the only thing that shown in the dark of the alley.

Cas reached up a hand to Dean’s arm then. An act of comfort, connection. It also served to steady him. He was feeling dizzy. The night and Dean’s eyes swirling his mind. Dean didn’t move. Cas had wanted to be patient. He had wanted to wait for Dean to move in. He gave up though, when he saw Dean’s tongue slip out in a slow sweep over his lips. He licked his own lips then and dipped his head toward Dean’s. 

As he did so, the door behind him opened to the sound of Sam calling out into the dark, “Cas, Dean…Oh, uh, sorry…”

In an instant, Dean stepped back and Cas fell forward all the way to the ground, head striking the pavement. 

“Oh, shit. Sorry. Shit.” Dean’s voice hovered over him.

Then Sam, “Oh, sorry. Damn, I, oh shit. I, god, sorry, Dean.” Sam seemed to have stuttered through every awkward protest at once.

God, so pathetic. Cas needed to get up. He found some reserve of steadiness in his limbs then and sprang up. He just wanted to get off of the stupid ground. Stupid, stupid, ground. Stupid everything.

He sprang up too fast though, too unexpectedly. Dean had been hovering over his upper body about to scoop him up when it happened. The back of Cas’ head had come into sharp contact with Dean’s chin. Instead of fully springing into a standing position, Cas had found himself splayed back onto his ass, legs spread out in front of him. Dean staggered back.

Gabe, Anna, and Uriel emerged from the club behind Sam and stared out at the chaos that was in front of them. “Well, this is not what I expected to find out here.” Gabe said with a smirk. “Are you two fighting?”

“No, I startled them and Cas fell.” Sam offered up in explanation. He reached down then and gripped Cas by the arm, pulling him up off of the ground. He looked into Cas’ eyes then and added, “I think that he might have a concussion. That was quite the blow.”

“This is Hell,” Cas muttered as he rubbed a hand over his head.

“Yeah, buddy. Let’s get you home.” Uriel came over and threw an arm under Cas’ while Sam took the other side. “We gathered everything from the table so we could leave. Where did you park, Dean?”

Dean directed them away from the alley toward where the car must have been. They all headed out into the night together with Cas carried along in the center.


	13. Friday, Friday

He walked into the office that morning feeling like too much was resting on his shoulders. He had enjoyed the conversation with Dean the night before, and when he woke up in the morning, he had spent a fair amount of time over-thinking things until he had it all pressed firmly into a neat box of friendship. Comfortable, uncomplicated friendship. And if I keep repeating it, it will be true. He told himself this with each step from his bed to each room of his home.

He told himself this as he flicked on the stereo in his living room and switched the music to something up tempo. He told himself this as he strolled into the kitchen to prepare some coffee. Then he stopped telling himself the same thing and just started singing along with the song on the stereo. It was the Barenaked Ladies’ song One Week. He liked the rush of the lyrics and how it made him have a little bounce in his step as he moved around the condo, getting ready for work.

He was not looking forward to the meeting with Zach. Despite the confidence that Gabe felt, Cas just couldn't believe that Zach would just accept it. Acceptance went against everything that Cas knew about Zach's personality.

He was a control freak. Near as Cas could tell, the man had no social life. He certainly has no wife or kids. He did however, have success. He was widely respected and maybe even a little feared.

Cas did not want to face him. He could already see his stern face with small, dark beady eyes staring back at him. He could see the light from the window bouncing off of Zach's round, bald head. He could see his broad shouldered frame methodically moving from the chair to the window. He could see him returning to the table to lean over with menace.

His imagination was not off. When they first entered the room, Gabe tried to make some light joke to disarm the situation. Zach had looked up from his work and directed them to seats that were across from him. "I wasn't expecting you too, Cas."

"Hello, Zach." Cas couldn't explain his presence without making things difficult for Gabe so he took his seat and didn't say anything else.

"So, Zach..." Gabe started but was immediately cut off by Zach.

"I already know why you are here, so spare me the so-called explanation. I'm assuming that you have a finely crafted story about your accidental meeting with Mr. Crowley." Zach stood then and walked to the large window with his back to them. It was an intimidation tactic. 

Gabe spoke then, "How did you find out?" Gabe turned to give Cas a questioning look. Cas shrugged to show that he had no answer.

Zach turned back then, "I know because it is my business to know. How dare you, Gabe? How dare you?"

"I should have talked to you first, I..."

"Oh, spare me," Zach interrupted as he slipped back into his seat.

Cas chose to speak up then, "How did you find out about the meeting?"

"Crowley called. Imagine my surprise. You know how much I like surprises." His half smirk spoke of irritation, he continued, "How are you involved, Cas?"

"I asked him to be here as moral support." Gabe answered before Cas could.

"I was not talking to you, Gabe." Zach spat out. 

"Moral support." Cas chimed in.

"So, you agree with Gabe here that we should take on the Crowley case?" Zach stared at him steadily, "It hardly seems like the kind of client that you would want me to send your way."

"I do not think that we want this case." He felt Gabe's eyes on him and hoped that he wasn't feeling betrayed. "However, Gabe does have the best interests of the firm in mind. He was trying to bring us something that he thought would benefit our reputation, as well as our pocketbooks."

"I had been contacted by Crowley's people some time ago about representing him. I declined. I was asked again recently, and was going to decline again, but then you," he turned to Gabe fully then, "made that impossible. How can I decline now without losing face? You've backed me into a corner, Gabe."

"I'm sorry." Gabe muttered. "I do think that it will be a good thing."

"I'm putting you on leave. Two weeks. Hand off your work to Sam. I checked your schedule, you don't have much that needs to be covered so we won't suffer." He walked over to the other side of the table then and looked down at Gabe, "I don't care how good a thing you think you have arranged, if you ever go behind my back again, you will be gone." He turned his back on him then and said, "Now leave before I rethink my generosity."

They both stood to go, but Zach interrupted their progress. "Cas, you stay."

Cas returned to the table but did not sit. When the door closed behind Gabe's departing form, Cas spoke up, "I'm sorry about this situation. It is unpleasant."

Zach motioned toward the seat while taking the one next to it, "It is unpleasant and unfortunate. I had hoped to avoid it. I didn't think that you had anything to do with this arrangement of Gabe's. I hope I wasn't wrong in my assumption."

"I found out about it last night. I hope, though, that you can see past Gabe's mistake." Cas was having a hard time defending Gabe, but he felt like he had to try.

"The relationship with Crowley was inevitable; I just wanted to stall it for a bit longer--maybe wait for him to have a sure win to offer up."

"Nothing is ever sure. I find it hard to believe that you were actually interested in representing him."

"Gabe's not entirely wrong. This will be good for our reputation and our wallets. That doesn't change the fact that Gabe needed a little lesson in how we do things around here. Someone has to be in charge and it certainly shouldn't be him." Zach gave Cas a slight smile then. "I'm going to put you on the Crowley cases. You can pick your second. I'm thinking, not Gabe. I think we'll need a level head running this, someone with some moral compass."

"I'm not sure that I'm the right one for this."

"And that statement assures me that you are." Zach rose from his seat. "I'll see you back here at the regular meeting. For now, go see Gabe off. Calm the waters as he takes his leave. Go be our little diplomat."

Cas frowned a little as he left the conference room. This had not gone well for him. In fact it was a world of discomfort laid out in front of him. He hoped that he could comfort Gabe. He hoped that he could get out of the Crowley case. He also hoped that this wasn't a sign of just how badly everything could go this weekend.

\---  
He found Gabe in Sam's office. He looked defeated and Sam had his face of comfort firmly in place. When he saw Cas in the doorway, Sam waved him in.

Cas closed the door behind him as he slipped in. Gabe looked up at him, "So did it get any better after I left? "

"Not so much. You're looking at Crowley's new lawyer." Cas sounded like he was as defeated as Gabe.

"Oh, sorry Cas." Gabe muttered. "Why you though?"

"Who else should it be, Gabe?" Cas looked him steadily in the eyes.

"I don't know, I guess I thought that it should be me, but I guess I can see why Zach would disagree."

Sam spoke up then, "Maybe you can work together."

Gabe looked hopeful for a second. Cas could not see why he would want this. "He said that I should pick a second, but that it should not be you."

Gabe smiled at that, "He said 'should' when he told you that?" 

"Sort of, what's your point?"

"That gives you a little wiggle room. He said what you should do, but you, Cas are a rebel." Gabe smiled at him some more. "You don't want to do as you should."

"I don't?" He quirked up an eyebrow at him then.

"Exactly, you don't. You'll pick me because I make everything better, and let's be honest here, I'm the right one for this." He got up then and strode to the door all swagger and confidence. "I'll see you all at the party. And Sammy, we'll be in touch. Can't have you screwing up all of my hard work."

"Yeah thanks for that." Sam groaned.

Cas watched him go and wondered how this would play out. He looked to Sam for comfort and found it in his look. "Let me know if you need help with Gabe's work. No sense in you getting overwhelmed."

Cas rose to go too, "Thanks Cas. You can let me know too if you need help with Gabe's work. You don't deserve to be overwhelmed by this either."


	14. Tonight, Tonight

The day burned past him in a whirlwind of activity and thoughts. By the time that 4:00 rolled around, Cas had decided that he had earned an early dismissal time. He still had to go to the store on the way home, anyway, to get the items needed for dinner. And he was not nervous at all. No, I am not nervous at all about my friend’s brother coming over to fix my ex-boyfriend’s motorcycle. This is a perfectly normal situation, that requires no nervousness.

He was actually, not as nervous as he would have been a few days ago. The fact that he kept packaging away, or trying to package away, his feelings had made an impact. He could almost believe himself when he declared in his head, that this was a budding friendship and nothing more.

He had managed to get all of the burger fixings that he thought that he needed, and he headed back to the condo. When he got to the entryway with his large bag of groceries clutched in front of him, he almost didn’t see Dean standing there waiting for him. “I was just about to text you. I’m a little early.” Dean was holding a large metal tool box in front of him. It looked heavy, but he did not seem to be struggling with it.

“I just had to swing by the grocery store for our dinner tonight. I thought that I would get to it during my lunch break, but lunch didn’t happen as planned.” Cas smiled and nodded his head toward the elevator. “Did you have trouble parking? This neighborhood doesn’t really have much available.”

“I got lucky. I’m just down the street at the Corcoran Garage.” He shifted a little as they entered the elevator. His duffel bag slung over his shoulder bounced into a more settled position across his back. Cas stole a glance over at Dean who stood at his side. He readjusted his position in the elevator to get a better look. He leaned against the wall and tried to look casual.

“You have a nice drive out?”

“Meh, I am not a fan of city driving. Me and Baby like the countryside.” Dean smiled over to Cas.

Cas let a short laugh slip out of his lips before he stifled it. “Baby?”

“What? You don’t name your modes of transportation?” Dean’s smile broadened, and he couldn’t seem to help chuckling along with Cas. “I guess it is a little silly.”

“Nah, okay, well, a little. What kind of car is it?”

“Ah, sad. You don’t remember, Baby? She is an Impala. She use to belong to my dad. Sam was nice enough to take the house, while I got to keep the car.” The elevator arrived at Cas’ floor and they walked down the hall to his door. Cas thought about the splitting of the two items. Knowing what he did of Sam’s house, he was sure that Dean was downplaying the way that the two items had been divided up.

“Well, here we are.” Cas juggled the groceries so that he could get his keys out. He pushed the door open and they walked in. He immediately went to the kitchen to set down the bag and Dean stood with his duffel and tool box at the door.

“So, um, where could I put this?” Dean shuffled about with his burdens.

“Oh, sorry. Um, anywhere.” Cas motioned at the floor by the door.

Dean looked at the spot with disapproval. “Nah, that won’t do. I’ll just dirty up your white carpets.”

“Oh, um, here.” Cas quickly swooped past Dean to the hall closet. He pulled out an old blanket and put it on the floor. “Set it on that. It is ancient and not in a now I’m collectable kind of way.” Dean set the tool box down, and Cas let his gaze wander over his arms. They were strong arms, tanned by all of the hours that he likely spent out at his uncle’s place working on cars.

“So should I toss my bag in the guest room?” Dean motioned toward the room that he and Sam had shared last Friday night.

Or you could just stow it in my room. Gah, shut-up Cas. Friends. 

“Yes, that would be fine,” Cas said instead.

Dean went into the room and came out just moments later with a DVD in his hands. “Think fast.” He tossed it over to Cas who miraculously caught it.

He looked down at the cover. Army of Darkness. “Um, okay. I’ll bite. What is this?”

“Only the best movie ever.” Dean smiled as he came over to the kitchen bar stools and plunked himself down.

Cas flipped the case over and couldn’t help but say, “I highly doubt that.” 

“What, you doubt me?” Dean said in a mockingly high pitched voice.

Cas began reading from the back of the case, “Trapped in time, surrounded by evil, low on gas…” He began laughing then. “Is this a comedy?” 

“Hmm, I wouldn't say that exactly. It does have it’s comic moments. Plus, Ash. He rocks. I can’t believe that you haven’t seen this.” 

“Really, you can’t believe that I have missed this? Clearly, Sam has not told you enough about me.” 

“I based my assumptions on the guy that I met at karaoke night, not on Sam’s tales.”

Cas continued putting away the groceries while carrying around the case. He began reading again from a later portion of the description. “Bruce Campbell reprises his role from the Evil Dead series as Ash, the handsome, shotgun-toting, chainsaw-armed department store clerk from S-Mart's housewares division.” Cas laughed again, “Yes, Dean, this most definitely is a comedy.”

“So, what do you think?” Dean was swiveling back and forth on the stool as he spoke.

“About what?” Cas had to smile at Dean’s enthusiasm.

“You must be initiated into the world of the Army of Darkness.” Dean laughed and continued. “We must watch this tonight after I work my magic on the Triumph.”

“How can I refuse?”

“You really can’t.” Then Dean asked, “So when can I sneak a peek at the awesome bike?”

“Let me change out of my work clothes and we can head down to the storage locker.”

“Storage locker?”

“Yeah, the complex has a limited number of storage lockers and parking spaces underground. I happen to have a parking space and a locker.” Cas smiled as he remembered how he manipulated his way into obtaining not just one, but both of the most sought after perks of the condominium complex.

“I take it that this was quite the score for you,” Dean said.

“Not to brag, but yes. Gabe lives down the hall and he was crowing for a week when he got a storage locker. He doesn’t have a parking space. So, he bought a Mini-Cooper so that he could park it in the locker. It’s pretty funny looking in there, but it works.” Cas just couldn’t stop smiling at Dean. It seemed that every time he turned to him, he felt his face stretching out uncontrollably.

“Is the locker big enough for us to work in?”

“Um, maybe. I have to confess, I have zero clue about anything mechanical. I imagine that I could figure things out, if I had to, but really, it is not instinctual for me. I don’t know if you need a few feet of space or an entire hanger to do what you need to do.” Cas started making his way over to his bedroom to change. “I’ll be out in a sec, then you can see the locker for yourself.”

As he approached the room he began running through his clothing options. He did have casual clothes for housework and weekends, but nothing that was quite casual enough for grease and mechanical repairs. He threw back the door to the large walk-in closet and went directly to the back. Beneath the hanging clothes was a squat set of drawers. He was pretty sure that he had some old jeans in there. He unbuttoned his dress shirt and loosened his tie. He tossed them aside in the laundry bin. 

He heard Dean holler back, “Mind if I raid your fridge for a drink while I wait?”

Cas slipped out to the door and replied, “There’s beer in the back of the fridge, but it probably isn’t cold yet. I have water and soda in the door if you want that for now. Or just rummage. Mi casa es su casa.” He noticed then that Dean had paused in his movement toward the fridge to fix him with a stare. Cas suddenly felt much more naked than he normally would feel with just his shirt off. He felt the blush that threatened to overtake him and he ducked back into the room out of sight. That was not a friend look. He told himself this at first. No, that was the look of a man that was shocked by your pale, white chest. Get some sun already. He looked down at his chest feeling suddenly self-conscious. 

He went back into his closet to find a suitable shirt. He had a tee shirt buried in the closet. It was a deep blue. As he slipped it over his head, it was then that he noticed that he had been wearing Dean’s necklace. Did he see it? How could he not see the black necklace on your lily white chest? How do I explain this? You explain things for a living, you got this. He pulled out a pair of old, worn jeans and replaced the slacks that he was wearing with them. He reached up to his neck and undid the clasp on the necklace. Secretly, he was sorry to remove it. It felt like it belonged on him.

He walked back out to the kitchen, this time fully clothed, thank you very much. “Here, I believe that this belongs to you.” He held out the necklace to Dean.

“Oh, how did you get that?” Dean reached up to it, and cupped it in his hand.

“I found it when I was cleaning the guest room. I didn’t want to lose it so I put it on. I kept thinking that wearing it would help me remember to give it to Sam, to give to you, but that didn’t happen. I kind of got a little to use to it, I guess.” Cas was doing his best not to sound too awkward about having worn Dean’s necklace for nearly a week like a love-sick school girl. He hoped that he was successful.

“Thanks, I thought that I lost it.” Dean slipped the necklace back around his neck.

“It seemed mystical. Does it have a story?” Cas went to the fridge and plucked out a water to match Dean. He leaned against the counter as Dean answered.

“I don’t buy into all that mystical hokum, but Sammy gave it to me. He said that it was a protection god or a talisman or something like that. I don’t really remember. He got it for me when I was going through a rough patch. He thought that it would help.” Dean took a long gulp of the water from the bottle, and Cas’ felt his thoughts race over the picture that Dean was creating for him in that moment. His imagination tipped into an image of Dean pulling back the water just a little to let it pour over his face and chest. It was ridiculous, but he didn’t care. Dean should be a water model. What the Hell is a water model, Cas? He should model everything. I would go broke buying his products. Wanna buy a cheese slicer? Sure Dean. Wanna buy a ball of twine? Don’t mind if I do.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dean asked with a slight smirk gracing his face. Damn it, he can read my mind. Shut up, brain.

“Uh, no.”

“Haha, now I have to know.” Dean leaned forward.

“Get use to disappointment,” and because he could redirect like Sam, he did, “Let’s go look at the bike.”

“Unfair, but okay. Don’t think that I didn’t see what you just did there.”

“I don’t know what you could mean.” Cas smiled and walked casually over to the door, “Well, are you coming or not?”

He laughed again. “Yeah, you win. I’m coming.” Dean got up then and followed him out the door.


	15. Hungry Heart

The elevator ride down to the garage was quieter than Cas thought that it would be. They stood side-by-side, arms brushing despite the fact that there was room for them to have a little personal space. Not that Cas was complaining, mind you. Dean had grabbed up the tool box and was holding it at his side. When Cas finally thought of something to say to break the silence.

“That’s a mighty big tool box you have there.” Okay, not his best line. Seriously, I come from the land of cheese and sap. I should be banished to a distant land where no one has to hear me speak.

Dean, to his credit, laughed a little and said, “The better to fix your bike with.” Then he smiled down with a wolfish grin and let out another little laugh.

“I guess you weren’t kidding when you said that I didn’t need to worry about getting any tools together for you. Not that I have any.” Cas hoped that he had already forgotten the very recent awkwardness.

“So, if I remember right, you said that you haven’t been able to start it for awhile now and that it may need some body work. Did I remember right?” Dean looked over to him.

“Yep. I haven’t even tried to start it in months.” Cas looked away. Looking at Dean was proving difficult for him. This was steadily becoming the most difficult friendship ever forged. Unless, of course, one is supposed to want to tear the clothing off of said friend, in which case, Cas was doing splendidly. 

“So, the bodywork will likely have to wait. I’m good, but I don’t have a mobile bodyshop. If you want, we might be able to haul the bike to my uncle’s place to finish it up, but that will have to be later.” Dean took the first step out of the elevator as it reached the garage floor.

“I think that you should not offer up so much of your time before you actually see the beast.” Cas said as he stepped past Dean to lead the way to the storage locker. “You are way too generous. I’m surprised. I don’t meet many people like you.” Cas was glad that he was ahead of Dean so that he couldn’t see the blush that he could feel creeping up into his cheeks. 

“Sam has told me how much you have helped him. I think that I can’t even begin to pay you back for all that you have done for my brother. So, to my way of thinking, I’m not being generous. I am just doing what I can to show appreciation.” Cas turned as he was walking to look back at Dean. Dean’s head was hanging a bit--almost shyly. 

“So you are here as a big thank you on behalf of Sam?” Cas asked, almost hoping that the answer was no. Yes meant just friends though, so that was okay, right? He stopped at the slide up door to his locker and stooped to put the key into the lock.

“No, and yes too. I, um, I don’t know. You do know that this is like a really rare bike, right?” Dean seemed to be struggling with what he wanted to say and Cas found it endearing despite the fact that Dean pretty much said that he was basically here to drool over a rare bike--not Cas.

“Yes, I have been told that it is something special.” He lifted the slider up to the ceiling and went into the dark locker to find the light switch. He turned the light on and beckoned Dean into the space.

“Oh, wow.” Dean let out. “Someone has been unkind.” He said to the bike as he stooped down to run a hand along its body.

Cas stood off to the side feeling a little guilty. He had not done much to preserve the bike. It was a nostalgia purchase. He couldn’t let it go to a stranger, so when Charles’ bike was going to go up for auction, he found out about it and paid far more than he should have, given his complete lack of mechanical skills. “Yeah, I have not done nearly enough for her.”

“So you think of the bike as a girl?” Dean looked up at him and smiled a little.

“I guess so. It’s not like I named her though,” He smiled back and stooped down across from Dean. “So, is it bad?”

“It is definitely in need of body work. I haven’t tried the engine yet.” He stood up then and mounted the bike, “Well, no time like the present.” He turned the key that was already in the ignition and then tried to start it. Nothing happened. “Hmm.” Dean looked over to Cas who was standing off to the side kind of awkwardly. “Do you happen to have fuel?”

“I have a gas can in the corner.” He walked over to retrieve it. He carried it over to Dean, who took it and began filling the tank.

“I’ll have a better idea once there is a little gas in her. Kind of hard to start her without that.” Dean seemed to slip into another world then and Cas just sat back and watched. He couldn’t offer any help as he understood nothing that Dean explained. Dean did try though. Literally the necessity for gas was the last thing that completely made sense. 

He was content to watch though. Dean had decided that once the bike turned over a little that he would need to shut it off and work on it a little more closely. He explained and Cas nodded as if he understood. Occasionally, he would ask for a tool, and Cas would guess at which one to offer from the box. He was wrong every time, but he liked the way that Dean would look at him as he handed him the wrong piece. “Now how about the other one?” Dean would offer with a half turned smile playing out on his lips. This was how time passed for them. It could have been minutes to Cas, but it was actually hours, and he couldn’t even tell. Cas wanted to sit there all night and just watch him.

“Would it be easier for you if I weren’t hovering? I feel rather useless.” Cas offered up.

“Nah, I like the company. Besides, I’m almost done for the night. I think that hunger is going to win out pretty soon.” Dean stood then and absently reached over to the toolbox for a rag that he had there. He wiped his hands on it leaving behind slight traces of grease in its wake. “Mind if I just leave the tools in here?”

“Of course not.” Cas said just as Dean rose from the side of the bike.

“Sorry if I am not much company while I work. I tend to get a little sucked into my projects. Must have been pretty boring for you there.” Dean reached up to pull down the slider while Cas got out his keys to lock up the room.

“Oh, seriously? I was worried that I was the most useless helper ever. I should be apologizing to you.” Cas and Dean walked side by side to the elevator. Once again personal space seemed to be lacking as their arms brushed each other with each of their steps. Cas could feel the jitters of attraction run from his arm through his body and to his stomach. Wow, guess I’m really hungry. He told himself as the first flutters frolicked through him.

“Is it just me or are you always going to be unnecessarily apologizing for something?” Dean chuckled a little at Cas’ expression.

“Sorry about that.” Cas offered then Dean laughed again and it was a deep melody to Cas’ ears. He couldn’t help but smile a little at that even though the laughter was directed at him.

“What time is it? I feel like we just got down here, but I am thinking that I lost track of time there.”

“Hmm,” Cas pulled his phone out of his back pocket and looked at the time, “It’s 8:30.”

“Yikes, I really shouldn’t have looked at the bike until after dinner I guess.” They got into the elevator to ride up. “Now, even if it is the worst meal ever, you’ll think that it is amazing because of the starvation.” Dean put his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels letting his shoulders hit the back of the elevator for support. It was a relaxed posture, that set Cas’ mind running again.

I am losing it here. He is purposefully standing like that so that he will be more attractive. It is patently unfair. Does he even know that his shirt is way too tight. I mean really, I can actually see every muscle in his chest. How much does he work out? I wonder if he just looks like this from work. I need to start going to the gym again. He looked down at his chest and felt slightly inadequate as he ran a hand past his stomach. He was feeling for the muscles that he hoped were still there.

Dean looked down at Cas’ hand then as it moved across his stomach. “Starving too?”

“Um, yeah.” Cas felt like Dean could read his mind again and that when he said starving he really meant starving in a different way. Cas was starving. He had been starving for a long time. It was hard to live that way, but one manages to adjust, to compensate for the ache that fills one every time that a song comes on the radio, or when a you see the light spark of new romance in your friends and acquaintances. It is hard not to be jealous at first. It is hard not to be resentful. In time though, one can push it aside, learn to function in the emptiness. It was possible to live for a long time like this, but it was not sustainable. He wanted desperately to feel full again--or to, at least, ache a little less.

The door to the elevator opened on Cas’ floor and they walked out side by side. “I’d ask about your thoughts, but you would probably not share.” Dean said as he looked ahead toward Cas’ door.

“You’re right, I wouldn’t.” He smiled up at Dean. “It is nice to be around someone that knows me so well.”

Dean laughed a little. “Funny, I was just thinking the same thing.” Cas got out the keys then, unlocked the door, and they went inside.


	16. Whenever I am Alone With You

Dean was very excited about the kitchen. He looked at it like it was his own personal heaven. He surveyed the ingredients that Cas had purchased and began laying them out along the counter. He popped a pan on the stove and scooped a sizable lump of butter into it before turning on the flame of the gas range.

He said as he began rummaging for a stirring utensil, “You actually have an indoor grill on your stove. What I wouldn’t give…”

“It is pretty normal. I don’t use it much though. I just never have the time. I’m afraid that I eat out a lot.” Cas had explained as Dean began pulling out more items from the fridge for his cooking project.

“Well, I would use this grill literally everyday. Sam and I had to do a lot of fending for ourselves when we were young, and I became adept at cooking tv dinners, but mostly at finding good diner food. I really picked up some skills later when I…” Dean stopped abruptly and pretended to be looking for something in a cabinet.

“Can I help you find something?” Cas offered while making his way over to the other side of the counter.

“Just looking for a spice rack.” Dean continued to rummage until Cas cut him off with an arm that reached past him to another cabinet. Personal space was once again missing as Cas used his body to slightly push Dean back while he reached into the cabinet. The spice rack was on an odd little lazy susan contraption with a handle. He was able to pick up the whole thing and deposit it on the counter in front of them. There was a little bit of everything on the rack. He turned to tell Dean that when he noticed the look again. The same intense look that he thought that he saw earlier when he blinded him with his shirtlessness. 

“Uh, this work for you?” He gestured to the rack and took a step back.

“Looks like you got everything that I need. Thanks, Cas.” Dean began picking up containers from the rack here and there with consideration. Cas had to turn away a little as he was blushing profusely. 

You got everything that I need. He would play those words out on repeat for, well, ever. It didn’t matter if they were said about spices. He heard it as he needed to hear it and it felt good. “Should I cut up some of the lettuce and tomatoes?”

“Yeah, do you have onions too?” Dean tossed back over his shoulder.

“Yes, I wasn’t sure if you wanted red or yellow onions so I bought both.” 

“I’m not picky. Would you mind if I used one of them now and then you could cut the other one up for later?”

“You’re the boss.” The easy camaraderie was starting to kill off the ache that had taken root in Cas’ stomach, and he wasn’t sure if he should welcome it or push aside the feeling. It was a strange thing to think. It was odd to imagine an ache as a comfortable thing when faced with the potential comfort of a companion, but he was incapable of seeing the whole thing as lasting. He saw it as temporary and maybe a road to greater aches and loneliness. His resolve was slipping, though.

Cas cut up the onions and found their aroma distracting enough. Dean looked over at him and saw the globs of tears forming in Cas’ eyes. “There is a trick to that, here.” Dean grabbed a piece of bread from the loaf that was on the counter and held it in front of Cas. Cas looked up at him with some confusion, tears on the precipice of spilling over his cheeks. “Open your mouth.” Cas complied. Dean put the slice of bread in Cas’ mouth so that it hung out rather awkwardly. “It will soak up some of the aroma before it hits your nose and eyes. That should help with the tearing up. It’s like a little shield.”

“Thanks, Dean.” Cas mumbled almost inarticulately. Then Dean picked up a dishrag from the counter and dabbed at the edges of Cas’ eyes.

“Wouldn’t want you getting tears in my onions.” He winked and turned back to his own preparation on the other counter. “Let me know when you finish with round one of the onions; I want to grill them for in the burgers.”

Concentrate, Cas. Otherwise you will cut off your fingers here. He winked again. Do friends do that? Should I take up winking at my friends? He tried to imagine the effect of winking at Uriel. He cringed at the thought. Uriel would likely find that unappealing. He continued cutting up the onions then and tried to turn his brain more fully to the task. It was not easy.

“I think that round one of the onions is now complete.” He tossed back over his shoulder.

“Good timing.” Dean stored the melted butter that he was heating. “I’ll take those.” He reached past Cas then and grabbed the cutting board with the onions on it. He tipped the onions into the pan and then reached back to place it in front of Cas again. They seemed to work nicely together in the shared environment. Personal space was still an issue, but they each moved together in a type of symmetry. Cas began cutting up the tomatoes as the smell of the onions wafted up from the pan. Dean was stirring it around. There is nothing quite like the smell of cooking onions.

Dean gradually added other spices to the mix. Cas did not pay attention to what they were. The smell though was mouthwatering. It reminded him of the sentence that Dean had left hanging before, so he asked, “So you never finished explaining where you picked up your cooking skills. You certainly did not figure this out from just the world of tv dinners.” Cas cut up the lettuce while he waited for the response.

“That is a long story.” Dean paused then and did not continue.

“So, does that mean that you aren’t telling me?”

“No, I just don’t really know how to share it. I had this friend that was from New Orleans. His name was Benny.” Dean paused again and removed the pan from the stove, still stirring while he moved. Cas had finished cutting up the veggies and walked over to the kitchen stool to sit.

“He use to cook some of the best stuff. He made these little donut things. I think that they were called Bennys.”

Cas laughed a little. “You mean beignets?”

“Yeah, probably fancy pants.” Dean laughed, “I think that I probably ate a literal ton of those things. Sammy liked them too, which sucked since that meant less for me.” Dean started mixing the meat and the seasoned onion mixture together. Then he started making patties. “My dad hated Benny. I never understood why. He was a great guy. Always trying to help out and such. Sometimes I think that my dad just didn’t have room enough in his life for any more than just Sam and I and sometimes not even enough for us.” His tone had dropped a little.

“I’m sorry Dean. That must have been tough. I feel like our father’s were similar creatures.” Cas looked down at his hands while he spoke considering his own family.

“God, I hope not. That would mostly suck. I loved my dad, don’t get me wrong, but he was a cold son of a bitch. He had his ideas on how the world worked and god forbid you should deviate from that path. It was hardest for Sammy. I did what I could, but Dad was always there to knock it all back to shit.”

Cas decided to redirect a little, not because he was uninterested in Dean’s dad, but because he could feel the tension coming from Dean as he discussed him. “So, Benny taught you all of this cooking stuff?”

Dean brightened a little, “Yeah, he did. He would come over with a bunch of weird vegetables and say, ‘I’ve come to prevent the scurvey.’” Dean chuckled. “Apparently, that was something that you get if you only eat meat or something. He use to complain that we never ate vegetables, and that it was his mission to broaden our palates. My dad didn’t come home most nights for dinner so Sam and I had to take care of things ourselves, until we met Benny. Benny just kind of invited himself over whenever dad wasn’t there and made a lot of our dinners.”

“How did you meet him?”

“He moved into town a few doors down from our house. I didn’t meet him then though. I met him at a weird hunting camp that dad sent us to. Benny’s mom sent him to the camp because she was tired of him moping around the house all the time. She thought that he was getting depressed or some such thing. My dad just wanted to get rid of us for a week, so this was his solution. Plus it was cheap. He said that it would man us up.” Dean paused again and turned to Cas, “Do you have any apple cider vinegar, lime juice, and ketchup?”

“Well, that was random.” Cas got up and retrieved the items, handed them to Dean, and then returned to the stool.

“I like to make my own bbq sauce. He mixed the items together and some items from the spice rack, along with a splash of olive oil. “Here taste.” He held out a spoon of the bbq sauce to Cas then.

“That’s way better than the store-bought. I think that maybe you can never leave now. You must make all of my meals.” Cas smiled at him and thought to himself, If only it were that simple.

He laughed. “Sounds like a good plan. I will just quit my job and work on the motorcycle and meals all day.” He smiled back.

“Come on, your uncle can spare you. I’m a charity case.” Cas mock begged.

“Nah, my uncle would blow a gasket if I quit now. Do you know how much I have to get through this week? It took a lot of manipulating to get out of working for him this weekend. Truth be told, I think that Sammy got to him. He said something sappy, I think, because my uncle has been walking around on eggshells with me for the past couple of days. When I asked him what was up, he said that Sammy was just being a pest. He said some other things too, but we won’t go into that. He let me out of work though, so maybe I owe Sam one, huh.”

Dean slathered on the bbq sauce and put the patties on the heated grill. “Now this I could get use to. You need to use this more often. Don’t let it go to waste.” He gave Cas a steady glare that said, I will be checking.

“Yes, sir.” Cas responded. “I am sure glad that someone appreciates this.” Cas spread out his hands over the kitchen. Then Cas chose to redirect, “So, do you still hang out with Benny?”

“Hmm, not so much.” Dean let that statement hover without elaboration.

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated.” Cas waited for more explanation, but it didn’t come.

“So…”

“It’s just complicated.” Dean busied himself with the burgers, but didn’t flip them. “Do you want cheese on yours?”

“Sure. I have to admit, I am now very curious about where Benny is. You have to tell me more.” Cas rested his chin in his hands and stared across the counter at Dean.

“This guy I knew once told me that I should get use to disappointment. So, Cas, get use to disappointment.” Dean smiled at Cas then and flipped the burgers.

“Okay, for now. How much longer? I am on the brink of starvation.”

“Not long now.”

“I am going to set the table then. What do you want to drink with your burger?”

“Beer.” Dean answered quickly.

Cas began gathering the table settings and the burger fixings for the table. He then came back into the kitchen. He dipped into the fridge to pull out two beers from the bottom shelf, and turned to Dean to ask which type he preferred. Dean’s soon to be patented intense stare was already on him. He swiftly looked away. “So what type of beer do you want? I have a stout or an ipa.”

“Let’s go with the ipa.” Dean had finished with the burgers and was putting them onto a plate. They both made their way to the table carrying the beers and the burgers and plunked themselves down across from each other.

“Dean, I can’t thank you enough. This looks amazing.” Cas breathed in the aroma coming off of the burgers and felt like eating had to commence immediately. 

“It’s just burgers. You act like nobody ever cooked for you before.” Dean began forming his burger and Cas did the same.

“Aside from my mom, no one ever has.” Cas raised the burger to his mouth when he caught the look in Dean’s eyes. “What?”

“That is just a little sad. I don’t know. Food is like a basic necessity. It is what you share with the people that matter, and it is important. Sammy and I have eaten countless meals together, and you know, I miss that. Each time I sit down to eat when I am at home, I feel like it isn’t really home, because I’m not sharing stuff with anyone. It is just me, you know?”

“I guess that I hadn’t really thought of it that way. But I understand what you mean. There are other ways to be connected than just the food. Funny thing, the other night at the bar, I felt very connected to everyone. Maybe it was the singing or…”

“The alcohol,” Dean interrupted with a smile.

“Or the alcohol…” Cas laughed. “But it wasn’t the food. It was just being with people. I don’t do that enough. I would be a complete recluse if it weren’t for the constant efforts of my friends.”

“Why didn’t your ex cook for you?” Dean asked as he took a long pull from his beer.

“Hmm, that’s a long story. And depressing, so let’s just...no.” Cas ate his burger and added, “Literally the best meal I have ever had.”

“I’m okay with depressing stories. Kind of own a few of my own.” Dean tried to redirect.

“How much did Sam already tell you?”

“Nothing much. He said that the guy went AWOL or something. I think that he mentioned a messy break-up.”

“Yeah, the short version is: he drank too much, crashed the bike, went to prison, and disappeared.” Cas took a pull on his own beer now. “I haven’t seen or heard from him since he went to prison, and I am not interested in anything having to do with him.”

“Did you try to see him when he was in prison?” Dean asked.

“Of course. He was not interested in seeing me anymore at that point. I hope that you won’t take this the wrong way, but I would really rather not talk about this.” Cas tried to avoid eye contact. He just wanted to dive down any other avenue, but he could not find a tactful exit, thus the abrupt statement.

Dean did not try to continue the conversation. Instead they ate silently for a few minutes. Then Dean said, “When Benny turned 18 he got a girl pregnant. Had to move out of his mom’s place. Eventually, he and the girl moved to New Orleans. I was young and didn’t know how to be the kind of friend that he needed. When he moved we were already not on the best of terms. I have a lot of regrets on that one. I should have talked with him. I should have been his friend.”

“You could always look him up now.” Cas offered.

“Yeah, but I won’t. Too much time has passed. I’m not the same kid I was then. I do wonder sometimes though, what ever became of him. I wonder how his kid turned out and if he stayed with the girl. I hope that he’s happy.” 

Cas looked up at him then and said, “I hope so too.” And they both knew that Cas was talking about Charles a little then too.

“Look at us. Two sappy dudes on a Friday night.” Dean laughed and Cas joined him.

“It is a little sad huh.” Cas smiled.

“You better not try to back out of watching The Army of Darkness tonight.” Dean waggled a finger at him.

Cas opened his mouth wide in an elongated yawn. “I don’t know Dean. It is pretty late.” It was taking an immense effort to keep from laughing at Dean’s look of shock.

“No way. You don’t get to skip the best movie ever. At least not that easily.”

“Haha, I can’t keep it up. You actually looked totally sad just now.” Cas laughed again. “Like I would bail on this. I see it as an opportunity to make fun of you. This is likely going to be the worst movie I’ve ever seen.” 

“Ah! How dare you.” He flicked a pickle slice over at Cas’ head. “Take that you heathen.”

Cas looked at Dean with surprise. “Dean, did you actually just throw a pickle at me?”

Dean swept his head down a little. “That may have happened, or maybe it didn’t. I deny everything.” He smiled at him. “You don’t really have to watch it if you don’t want to. I just thought that it would be fun.”

“Dean, I will thoroughly enjoy watching this piece of cinematic awesomeness with you. It will likely be so horrible that I will be completely entertained. Plus, if it is really bad, I don’t have to feel guilty for making you fix my bike and my dinner.” Cas started to clear away the dishes.

“You do realize that I wanted to do this, right?” Dean held his eyes steadily.

“I guess I didn’t exactly twist your arm.” Cas didn’t break the gaze. “Let’s clear this up and watch this movie.”

Once again, he couldn’t stop smiling. It was like his face was threatening to split apart. Dean broke the silent clean up with, “So this might sound stupid, but where is your tv? Do you have one of those hidden tvs that come up out of a hole or from behind the bookcase? I stayed in a hotel once that had a tv that was hidden behind a picture.”

Cas had to laugh at that, but then he recognized a greater issue. “There is a tv in each of the bedrooms. I never put one in the living room, because it felt weird to have three tvs in one condo when I am the only one here. Plus, I don’t really watch tv. When I do, it is a last ditch effort to fall asleep. I tell myself that if I get bored enough by the program, that my insomnia will lose the war.”

“So, do you have rules about popcorn in there, because popcorn, kinda necessary.” Dean began washing up the dishes.

“Uh, no dishes. Just stop already.” Cas hip bumped him aside and said, “I will feel like a jerk if you keep doing everything.” Cas took over and Dean stood off to the side awkwardly. 

“Geesh, just trying to help. Well, I’m going to change into sweats and then beg for popcorn again.”

“Normally, I would say no to the popcorn, but tonight, I will make an exception. Just no pickles for you. I don’t need to find pickles all over my bed in the morning.” I should be freaking out right now. I should be drenched in a cold sweat. I should be having tiny heart attacks back to back. If he even looks at me again, I won’t be able to control myself. He is so, everything. Find your Zen place, Cas. Find it now. He took a deep breath and walked away from the sink toward his room. 

He scooped up the DVD from the counter before he got into the room. He wandered into his room with the movie, opened it up, and put it into his player. He popped over to his drawers and pulled out a pair of sweatpants that he often chose to sleep in. They were worn to a softness that was comfortable, but they were still solidly black. He felt like they showed off his shape well enough. He pulled them on and looked into the mirror. He ran a hand through his dark hair only to find that it would not be tamed. It was sticking out all over the place. It was then that Dean chose to come in. “Popcorn?”

“Patience, Dean, patience.” He left the room to make up some popcorn. “Cue up the film. I don’t need to see the previews for movies from the 90s.” Cas called back to the room.

It didn’t take long to cook up the popcorn.He had one of those large air-poppers despite the fact that he wasn’t much of a film buff. Last Christmas, he and Anna made popcorn strands for their “Old Timey” Christmas tree. It was a fun theme. They had been doing the Christmas collaboration for a few years now. It was easier than going home and more enjoyable. 

When the popcorn was done he returned to the room with the way too large bowl just brimming with the little puffs of goodness. “Ah, nothing better than popcorn and a movie.” Dean breathed in deeply as Cas plopped down next to him.

“Really, nothing better? This is your idea of heaven?” Cas smiled over at him.

“Totally.” He smiled back. “Prepare for awesomeness, Cas.” Dean flicked on the film and Cas flicked off the lights and settled in.


	17. Closest to Heaven

It was not his type of film, and although Dean was right there and all kinds of gorgeous, he was having a hard time maintaining consciousness. It was late for a day that began way too early. Too much high fat food makes Cas a sleepy boy. Damn, stay awake, Cas. He could feel his eyes drifting closed though, and it was then that a small puff of popcorn grazed his forehead.

“What did I say about food in my bed?” Cas turned his sleepy face to Dean.

“You said something about pickles not popcorn. Now stay awake, this is the best part.”

“Sorry, it has been a long day. Maybe if I eat enough of this popcorn, you will run out of ammunition.” He reached into the bowl and brushed across Dean’s hand. He wanted to risk taking his hand and pulling it to him, but he was sure that that would be awkward. Instead he popped some of the popcorn into his mouth and tried to focus on the film.

“Here, I will remove my arsenal. If you fall asleep, I will not pelt you with popcorn no matter how much fun I think it will be.” He held up two fingers in the scout symbol of sincerity. “Scout’s Honor.”

“You were not nor have you ever been a Boy Scout. Not even metaphorically.” Cas stated in his lower more intimidating voice.

“So, what’s your point?” Dean laughed and threw another piece of popcorn at Cas’ face nailing him square in the cheek.

“You have no honor.” Cas grabbed a small handful of popcorn and threw it all at Dean’s face. He looked shocked.

“You are going to have popcorn all over your bed.” Dean grabbed a handful then, cocked his head to the side and said, “I will accept your surrender.”

In answer, Cas grabbed a bigger handful of popcorn and said, “Never.” He dove at Dean then and shocked him. He fell back off the edge of the bed upending the popcorn with him, but that didn’t stop Cas. He was invested in his victory. Dean seemed to realize then that Cas was determined.

“You are going down.” Dean shoved Cas back then and grabbed the back of his sweats. He had a handful of popcorn still and he dropped it in the back of Cas’ pants.

“Damnit. That is going to be worse than beach sand.” Cas gained an advantage then, because Dean was reaching back for more popcorn. “I don’t think so.” Cas bounced back onto Dean and held him down with his legs. He had a handful of popcorn and he shoved it into Dean’s shirt. Dean rolled and pinned him down, grabbing more popcorn from behind him.

Cas tried to move, but couldn’t get leverage with Dean straddling him. Dean’s height advantage was working in his favor now. “Hmm, where to put the popcorn.” Dean smirked down at him.

Cas’ heart was pounding in his chest. He struggled albeit, not with all of his strength. Dean seemed to realize that he was pressed against Cas’ hips then. He looked into Cas’ eyes with the intensity that had been playing out on his face since earlier that evening. He dipped down then and Cas froze in anticipation. Dean’s face stopped just a breath above Cas’ lips. Then he whispered down to him while staring directly into his eyes, “So, are you awake enough to watch the rest of the film now? Because if you aren’t I am going to have to resort to desperate measures to wake you.” Dean didn’t move right away. He seemed to wait for a response from Cas. Cas wanted to bridge the virtually non-existent gap, but he couldn’t move. Dean stood up then and reached down to help Cas to his feet. “Movie, now.” He pointed back to the bed and Cas complied by returning to his side, shaking out popcorn from his pants as he walked. Dean laughed at him as he shook popcorn out of his shirt.

“Brutal.” Cas muttered with a smirk.

“And don’t you forget it. You may be the karaoke king, but I am the prince of popcorn battles.” Dean hopped up right next to him and they stared off at the TV. Cas couldn’t tell you what was happening in the film. There was a guy with a chainsaw arm and a lot of fighting. None of that mattered to him though. He moved his hand so that it lay along the back of Dean’s and he breathed in a long luxurious breath. He felt Dean’s hand move a bit and felt his fingers as they became entwined with his.

“Don’t think that I won’t make you help clean this up later,” Cas whispered.

“Sounds reasonable,” Dean whispered back. “Now shut-up and watch the movie.” And because Cas could think of nothing to say, he did just that.


	18. Somebody to Love

He did try to stay awake but sleep won out in the end. He woke up in nearly the same spot that he was in when he first felt Dean’s fingers thread through his own. It was easy to sit there and soak up the simple joy of it. He slipped into sleep with thoughts that were Dean. Just Dean in various moments from their dinner, storage locker banter, and movie watching. Mostly it was Dean so close that he could taste him. Dean’s breath mingling with his own.

He opened his eyes slowly, wanting to savor the vision a little longer. Wondering if he would be greeted by the sight of Dean still beside him. He looked to the spot that was next to him and found it vacant. He noticed that the popcorn was still everywhere and thought to himself about the clean up that it would entail. It was not an entirely unpleasant thought though. He drifted again to the night before and Dean when he heard the water running at the other end of the condo.

Guess I should get up and start some coffee for us. Cas slipped out of the bed, making a restroom pit stop before padding out to the kitchen. In addition to the water running he now heard something else too. A smile twitched up at the corner of his mouth as he edged closer to the guest room door. The sounds coming from beyond the door could be described as singing, or the raptures of a dying cat. Cas stifled a little laugh at the sound of it. At least I know that you aren’t perfect. He edged away from the door then and put on the coffee.

And because it was his habit he turned on the stereo and picked out a song to fill the semi-quiet. He chose Queen’s Somebody to Love. He bounced back over to the kitchen and started rummaging through the cabinets to make breakfast. He pulled out eggs and bacon from the fridge. He loved the anthem feel of the song and found himself singing along as he cracked eggs and scramble them up in a bowl. He put a pan on the stovetop and started to heat it up. He swayed a little with the song as he cooked. His volume increasing along with the song. He turned his back on the stove and reached into the tall cabinets behind him for plates.

When he turned back he was fully committed to belting out the verses. At first, he did not know that Dean was out of the shower. He was leaning casually against the doorframe watching him. His broad smile was warm and Cas found himself continuing to sing despite being discovered. Dean wandered over, and joined him at the counter. He began singing along with the last lines of the song. Cas was doing his best to not laugh, as his vocals mixed with Dean’s gravelled squawk of a melody. Cas threw an arm around Dean’s waist and pulled him into his swaying dance. With his other hand he kept stirring the eggs. Dean’s arm slipped around Cas too. The song ended and Dean extricated himself and turned to the coffee pot.

“So necessary. You kept me up way too late with your movie watching demands,” Dean mocked as he poured himself a mug of coffee. “Oh, Dean, please let me watch Army of Darkness again, that Ash is dreamy.” Dean said the last as an impersonation of Cas, if Cas had been a squeaky voiced girl.

Cas laughed at him and said, “You and I both know that I don’t sound like that.” 

“Dean, we should totally not go to the party tonight. We should just stay here and watch movies. That would be dreamy.” Dean continued to use the voice and Cas continued to laugh at him.

“God, I wish. This is going to be some small bit of torture.” Then he noticed Dean’s face and amended, “I mean, it will be the most awesome party ever, and you will have so much fun there.”

“Wow, convincing.” 

“I really have no choice. I can’t get out of it, but I completely understand if you have to.”

Dean leaned back against the counter and stared at Cas with those piercing green eyes of his. “You know I’m not backing out. I couldn’t possibly let you suffer through this alone. Plus, Sam and Jess will be there. It can’t all be bad.”

In his best impersonation of Dean’s mocking girl voice, Cas said, “Oh, Dean thank you. You are so dreamy.” They both laughed and carried on with the breakfast preparations.

“So, I have a proposal.” Dean said.

“Really, so soon. We only just met.” Cas joked as he started scooping up eggs onto each plate. He cast a smile back at Dean. 

“Um, no. What if I take the bike with me to my uncle’s.”

“How would you do that?”

“I could bring a trailer here next week to load it into and haul it there. I think that it will be easier to fix there than here.”

“Hmm, I don’t think that I want this to become a burden for you. If it can’t get fixed here then maybe I just need to let it go.” Cas started putting strips of bacon on the hot pan to cook.

“What happened to the guy that wanted to have a redo. You said that this was important. That if you failed at this, getting it to work, then you would never feel right.” Dean put a hand onto Cas’ shoulder. “Let me help. I really want to.”

“Maybe the redo is just letting it go. Somehow everything just feels different now.” Cas smiled at Dean.

“Then let me fix it.”

“Maybe. Let me think about it.”

“Maybe you are just trying to get rid of me now.” Dean smirked. “I see. You got some dinner out of me and some preliminary mechanical help, and now there is only regret.” Dean grabbed the tongs from Cas and took over the bacon cooking.

“Oh, you found me out. I have had enough of you. Be gone.” Cas laughed at Dean’s pantomime of hurt and carried his baconless plate over to the table.

“Dude, you are missing the best part--bacon.” Dean held up a slice to make his point.

“Meh, not a fan.”

“No. This can’t be. I had heard that they existed. The elusive bacon-hater. And here I can see one in its natural habitat. I am shocked.” Dean started plucking the bacon from the pan and putting it onto a paper towel covered plate. “And to think, you seemed so normal.”

“Bacon is just too greasy, or if it is crisp, it is just like crunchy smoke. Like I said, not a fan.” Cas began eating his eggs then, and Dean joined him at the table.

“Well, nobody is perfect, I guess. You had to have some flaw.” Dean was already working his way through the bacon with glee.

“So, what’s the plan today, besides the party anyway?”

“I was thinking that I could get a little done on the motorcycle today and you could tell me awesome blackmail worthy stories about my brother at work.”

“Oh, you would have way better stories to tell, I am sure. I might need some of those. He is always pulling something. Just the other day he and Anna were skulking around my office, picking on me and such.” Cas looked up and realized that he had almost said too much. They had been picking on him about his phone obsession. His phone obsession was all about Dean, and he did not need to know any of that.

“So, tell me about working with Sam. Is he completely obnoxious?” Dean took a sip of coffee and leaned back a little.

“Sam is great. I remember when he first started at the firm. I wasn’t sure about him. I thought, oh, he won’t last long. I thought that he had another agenda or something.”

Dean cocked his head to the side and asked, “What do you mean?”

“Oh, I don’t know. He just seemed like he wasn’t there to practice law, but to learn about it. Turns out I was wrong. He is quite good, and he proved that in our first case.”

“What was your first case?”

“Oh, it was a guy that we still defend, so he will have to remain nameless. We do a lot with tax law and he came to us with a case that was messy. It is very likely that his tax evasion was tied to some dealings in South America involving maybe some drug trafficking. I did my best to not know about any of that. I just concentrated on the direct accusations. It was a ton of work though. This guy is a bit of an attention seeker. He does all of these TV interviews and such. We just finished another case with him and it was more of the same. Anyway, Sammy got tossed my way, when Zach realized that I was drowning. Now when we defend this ass, he gets a whole team, but back then it was just Sammy and I. He is amazing with the research. He was able to explain where all of the income came from and tie it to his tax records. It was shocking, because the explanation shouldn’t have been possible.

Cas got up to get some coffee and scooped up Dean’s mug too, as he went. “Sam and I have been friends ever since. He took on the Salvatore case afterwards. You already know about that one.” 

“Yeah, a guy tries to shoot your kid brother, you tend to remember.” Dean looked serious as Cas returned with the coffees.

“Luckily, he was a bad shot.”

“From what Sam told me his shooting skills had nothing to do with Sam’s luck. He said that he was lucky you were there.” Dean amended.

“I have never been so terrified in all my life. We deal with some low-lifes but, they aren’t the type to try to shoot their attorneys. We mostly deal with corporate guys, you know the type? Well, Salvatore was not our primary contact; although, he was the one that we were defending. His family had made all of the arrangements with us. At some point, things started to get weird with him. He came into a meeting and demanded that he speak with Sam alone. I shouldn’t have left the room. Once I was out, that was when he went rather crazy on Sam. Somehow he had gotten it in his head that Sam was feeding information about him to the DEA. He was yelling all sorts of crazy stuff at him about seeing him talking to a fed and such. It was the yelling that got me back into the room. I saw him holding the gun, but his back was to me, so I took a chance and tackled him. Like I said, we were lucky.”

“Thank you, Cas.” There was a look of endearment on Dean’s face, a look that showed more gratitude than the words.

“I often wonder why he thought Sam would be working against him. Sam is probably the most ethical attorney I know. Anyway, it was always a little weird to me.”

“Can’t always explain crazy.” Dean said by way of explanation. He gulped down the last of the coffee and added, “Well, time to go work on the Triumph. It’s not going to fix itself.”

The two of them got up and cleared away the dishes before gathering what they needed for the day of work in the storage locker. Cas felt the now constant smile tugging at his lips at the thought of a whole day with Dean. God, even if I am zero help, I can’t imagine a better day.


	19. I Gotta Feeling

When they could no longer put off the inevitable, Dean and Cas finally left the storage locker behind to get ready upstairs. They were making their way back to the condo when Cas’ phone buzzed. “It’s just Gabe.” Cas said to Dean when he threw a glance at the phone in Cas’ hand.

“What does he want?”

“He is going to the party tonight. He wanted to know if we wanted to carpool.” Cas looked over at Dean and added, “Do we want to do that?”

“Sam and Jess are going to meet us there so it’s not like we need to have the extra space saved for them.” Dean shared.

“That wasn’t really an answer. What should I tell Gabe?” Another text came through then.

Gabe’s text read, You can’t say no. I totally left you alone with Dean last night without bothering you at all. You owe me.

“What did he say now?”

“Oh, nothing. He really wants an answer.”

“Well, tell him yes then. I didn’t think that he liked me much.” Dean said as they exited the elevator.

“Gabe is just hard to read sometimes. He’s a bit of a joker. It will be nice for him to have a little entourage as he goes into the party. He got put on leave this week.”

“Oh, what did he do?”

“The short version, he got us a client that we should have avoided.” Cas offered vaguely.

“Hmm, so I should do my best to avoid that topic. When does he want to leave?”

“I don’t know. Let me check.” Cas texted the question to Gabe and received an almost immediate reply.

“He’ll be here in an hour.” They stepped into the condo, and Cas added, “I’m going to get ready. You might want to do the same.”

“Nah, I think I’ll just go like this.” Dean spun around in his greasy shirt and ripped jeans. “No one should notice.” He laughed at Cas’ too serious look and added, “I’ll just see if I have something a little more appropriate”

\---

Cas stood at the mirror and fastened the last of the buttons on his shirt. The tie hung on the rack next to his dresser. He snatched it up and put it on. He tied the knot loosely, then fastened the cuff links and threw on his jacket.

He ran a hand through his chronically wild hair. It was a little tamer than normal, but it still had the little spiked out edges that would never be tamed. He walked out of the bedroom to wait for Dean in the living room. He took a seat on the couch and picked up his copy of The Great Gatsby. He had decided to reread the book after the night of texting with Dean where he had claimed that he was reading the book. Ironically, he was in the chapter where the narrator went to an unusual party.

The door to the guest room opened a few minutes later and out walked Dean. His black suit jacket was slightly tighter around his waist and it framed him well. Cas sucked in a little breath at the sight of him. His hair seemed darker because he was standing back from the window, but as he made his way into the light, Cas could see blonde highlights catching the sun. “You clean up nice.” Cas said as he stood and walked toward him.

Dean stepped up to Cas and reached out to his tie. “This is too loose.” He fiddled with it for a second and then tightened it. “I feel all uncomfortable in this thing. Too confining.” Dean stretched his neck back and forth. He smoothed his hands down Cas’ arms before taking a step back to assess Cas from a slight distance.

“You get use to them.” Cas looked over at the kitchen clock and said, “I’m surprised that Gabe hasn’t shown up yet. The doorbell rang then.

“Speak of the devil.” Dean smirked as Cas walked over to the door.

“Hey Gabe, Kali.” Cas welcomed them as they came in. Kali gave Cas a slight hug and a peck on the cheek. 

“It’s good to see you again, Cas,” she said.

“You look stunning,” Cas said as he stepped back and looked at her in her long violet dress. 

“I find it uncomfortable, but it will do for the night. Give me a power suit any day.” She smiled at him, “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

Dean stepped forward then and extended a hand, “I’m Dean,” he said and Kali took his hand in a gentle shake.

“Enough of this civility, let’s go to the party people. We are missing all the good stuff.”

“Fine, Gabe. It’s not like we were the late ones,” Cas said.

“I hope that you know that I have been working on him and his tardiness issue.” Kali said as she looped an arm through Gabe’s. 

“You shouldn’t bother trying to fix perfection, baby,” Gabe said. Then they all headed out the door and to the party.

\---

The long driveway to the house was crushed gravel surrounded by a seemingly infinite number of thin trunked trees. They had already shed their leaves which was unexpected since it was mid-August. They should have had another couple of months of green. The long lanky branches stretched out over the top of the driveway like skeletal fingers folded in prayer over their path. The night sky loomed beyond the branches brightened only by the white brightness of the full moon.

Cas kept stealing glances at Dean. His face aglow in the evening light that flickered through the car window. They wound their way around the long loop of the driveway’s end to the main entryway of the house. It looked as though a large number of people were already here, if one could judge by the number of cars parked along the sides of the driveway. An attendant greeted them as they pulled up and took the keys. “Welcome. You can get your keys from me at the end of the night. I’ll be over at the stand there.” The attendant gestured toward the house and hopped into the front seat of the Impala to drive it to an empty space.

They walked up the wide stairway to the massive oaken doors of the mansion. Ezra Brady was doing quite well for himself, by the looks of the house. Cas wanted to loop an arm through Dean’s but felt that perhaps it would be too presumptuous. Instead he opted to walk right alongside him allowing their arms to brush each other with each step. Dean seemed nervous as they walked up the stairs. His eyes were sweeping the area as if he was looking for something sinister.

“Everything okay?” Cas whispered.

Dean seemed to jump slightly with the words. “Um, I don’t think that I was prepared for this type of party. Is this normal for you?”

“Define normal.” Cas smiled.

“Do you always attend parties at homes like this?” Dean was still looking around the area with concern as they entered the house.

“No. I have simpler tastes.” Cas reached up a hand and gave Dean a slight pat on his shoulder before returning his focus to his surroundings. They were greeted by Ezra and his wife and son. The wife was younger than Ezra, but only a little. Her face held wide-set eyes and skin pulled tight by doctors that had tried to turn back the clock. Next to her was a young man in his late twenties. His hair just slightly too long was brushed back into one flowing blonde wave. He seemed to be comfortable in his surroundings and at the same time bored with his role.

“Glad you could make it Cas. Was starting to wonder if you thought that the invitation was optional.” Ezra looked from Cas to Dean then and reached out a hand, “And you are?”

“Dean Winchester.” Dean spoke with confidence as he shook Ezra’s hand.

“Any relation to Sam Winchester?” Ezra released Dean’s hand and waited for a reply.

“Yes, he is my brother.” 

Ezra turned then and introduced his wife and son. “This is my wife Johanna and my son Michael.” They each reached out and shook hands in turn. “Head on inside and join the others. We have a kind of buffet set out and a band, just in case anyone wants to dance the night away.”

“Sounds great Ezra.” Cas edged away as Gabe and Kali stepped up for the meet and greet. As Dean and Cas entered the room to the left of the entry hall they encountered the same feeling that many encounter when entering a room that should not be so large but is. They both stopped and looked immediately up toward the ceiling to be sure that there was one in the very tall room. The one wall on the right was nearly all glass panes that showcased the sprawling lawn that ventured out to a vast expanse of trees. A little lake glistened in the moonlight not far from the house and offered up a picturesque view.

They slowly walked into the room making their way toward the back and the greater numbers of people. Cas spotted Sam and decided to make his way toward him. He reached a hand up to Dean’s elbow to help propel him in that direction. Dean looked at Cas and said, “I can’t even imagine how someone could afford this life.”

“Sam and Jess are over there. Shall we?” They walked over and Sam gave his brother a warm hug. Jess did the same when Sam stepped away. Jess’ wavy blonde hair was pulled back partially into a knot at the base of her neck. Her dress was a simple green satin floor length gown that trailed down farther in the back. When she smiled at them, her face seemed to glow. She had a beauty that was natural and inviting.

“Hey, Cas. You remember Jess?” 

Cas took Jess’ hand and said, “It’s great to see you again.”

“Silly. I think that we hug.” She gave him a little hug and then smiled back and forth between Cas and Dean.

“Okay, you are not doing that.” Dean gave her a pointed look. “I’m getting a drink, anyone else want one?”

“Yeah, bring me something,” Cas said. When Dean was out of earshot he asked, “What was that about?”

“Oh, you know.” Sam said as he stared off at his brother’s retreating form.

“Sam, you are the worst.” Jess gave him a playful punch on the shoulder. “Let’s just say that we like your taste in men. Dean sure does look nice in a suit doesn’t he?” She smiled at Cas.

Cas felt suddenly awkward and stuttered out, “Um, yeah, his suit is nice.”

“Jess, don’t put him on the spot. They think that no one knows.” Sam laughed a little.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Cas stammered.

“Really, Cas, living in the closet is so 1982. Come on.” Sam laughed at him.

“I assure you that I am not doing that.” Cas looked around for an escape, finding none he turned back. “Where are Uriel and Anna? Did Uriel bring Sarah?”

“They were just here. I think that they went out onto the veranda for air. They should be back.” Sam motioned over to a far table then, “Did you meet your newest client yet?”

Cas looked over to a far corner of the room and found a dark haired man sitting at a large round table. His keen dark eyes surveyed the room and eventually connected with his. He tipped his head in acknowledgement. Cas nodded back. His hand was laying languidly on his half-empty tumbler of what appeared to be whiskey. He raised his hand slightly then and beckoned Cas over. Sam saw what transpired and said, “I’ll let Dean know where you went. Let us know if you need a rescue.”

Cas turned to him before leaving and said, “Thanks.”


	20. Mr. Crowley

The large room was illuminated brightly in the center where Sam and Jess were. However, the corner that Cas was walking into was illuminated with candles. There was light enough, but it was much more like mood lighting than anything else. The effect of the candles’ flames gave everything a shimmering appeal. Cas walked to the side of the table and the man rose to his feet. His dress jacket hung down farther than was typically in style, but the look seemed to fit his frame better than a modern cut would. He smiled in a half turned way with a look of intoxication glinting from his eyes. “And you must be my newest legal representative, Mr. Novak.” He reached out a hand then. The large silver ring catching the light and drawing Cas’ eye. Cas gripped his hand and shook it. 

“Pleasure to meet you. Mr. Crowley, I take it?”

He released Cas’ hand then and beckoned to the seat. “Call me Lucky, at least while we are in these less than formal locations.” He picked up the tumbler and drank. “May I call you Cas?”

“Of course.” Cas was quick to respond. “I have heard that I will be meeting with you sometime this week regarding our future together.”

“Yes, that is the plan. The original case is no longer an issue as all of the charges have been dropped. The D.A. had a, shall we say, change of heart. However, I do find that the feds always manage to come up with some new charge or another.” He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a cigar then and cut off the end. He popped the cigar into his mouth and then pulled out a second, leaning over to offer it to Cas.

“No, thanks. I don’t smoke.” Cas held up a hand as he said so.

“Your loss. It’s Cuban. Perhaps your friend…” Dean had shown up then just behind Cas. Lucky reached out with the cigar toward Dean. Dean took it and sat down.

“Don’t mind if I do,” Dean said. Lucky tossed over the cigar cutter and Dean used it and tossed it back. He put the cigar into his mouth and watched as Lucky lit his with two quick puffs. He leaned over then and held the flame out for Dean. He leaned into it and took a long pull on it. He held the smoke for a moment before expelling it in a cloud that smelled like cherries. Cas watched all of this with amusement. 

“I did not know that you smoked Dean.”

“I don’t, but one cannot pass up a Cuban.” Dean looked over at him and took another suck on the cigar. There was much that passed through Cas’ mind at the sight of him, and he had to look away in order to keep those thoughts private.

Dean pushed over a wine glass to Cas. He had one in front of himself. “So, Dean, is it? How do you two know each other?” There was something about the way that he asked that made Cas squirm a little.

“Cas works with my brother Sammy at the firm. We met recently at a work social thing. Sam thought that I should come along to this little gathering to keep everyone entertained.” Dean had a devil may care look on his face. A brazen cavalier attitude seemed to accompany his words.

“You do look like you would be quite entertaining.” Lucky smirked at him. Cas felt a slight knot growing in his stomach. There was something about the way that Lucky looked at Dean that made him want to rush them both out of there. A certain lasciviousness that was often accompanied by action. 

Dean seemed to pick up on it a little and removed the cigar from his mouth to take a drink from his wine glass. “The bartender said that they didn’t have beer. He looked at me like I was some kind of ape when I asked. What kind of self-respecting bartender doesn’t have beer?” Dean spoke toward Cas, somewhat ignoring Lucky and his stare.

“The wine is good. I wasn’t expecting beer.” Cas held up his glass and took a sip.

The stare from Lucky carried a type of intensity. He spoke to Dean again. “You look familiar Dean. Have we met before?”

“Um, I don’t think so. I don’t go to these sorts of things. I might have to make it a habit though if people keep handing out these babies.” He took another puff off of the cigar.

“Hmm, there is something quite familiar about your face, and I never forget a pretty face.”

Lucky leaned forward a bit and really stared at Dean. Dean replied, “Um, the last person who looked at me like that, I got laid.” Dean smirked as he leaned back and took a pull from his cigar.

“Are you offering?” Lucky smiled around his cigar.

Dean looked a little surprised, “No, man, not gay.”

Cas felt the knot in his stomach twist more. He lifted the glass to his lips and drank down the rest of the wine. Lucky said to Dean then, “You sure?” Dean didn’t say anything in response and Lucky continued, “Your loss.” He turned to Cas then, “So, when do you think that we can meet?”

Cas took a moment to process the transitional leap in their conversation. He did his best to push aside Dean’s words. “Oh, um, how does Tuesday sound to you?” 

“Off the top of my head, it sounds doable,” Lucky responded.

“So what kind of name is Lucky anyway? Your parents toss you that one or did you get it later?” Dean asked.

“It’s a reclaimed name.” Dean and Cas both looked at him with the same quizzical expression.

Cas asked first, “What do you mean?”

“I’m Scottish, as you can probably guess from the accent and if you have any cultural sense, my last name. That didn’t stop the kids in school though. I went to school with some of the best neanderthals in the universe. They couldn’t tell the difference between an Irishman and a Scotsman. So one day I was out on the yard, when Curtis Binson strode up to me. He was a worthless git, but that day he gave me something, my name. I thought that he planned to just throw a punch at me. I was ready for the fight. The fighting always happened. I must have been in a dozen fights that year. Curtis didn’t throw a punch though. Instead when the crowd gathered for the fight that they were hoping for, he said ‘Nah, I ain't punching no leprechaun. Everyone knows how they get lucky.’ The kids began calling me Lucky the Leprechaun after that. The next day and the next, it continued. It was going to stick.”

“Kids can be cruel sometimes.” Dean offered.

“Yeah, they can be little demons. Anyway, I had to do something, or they were going to keep calling me a leprechaun. I could deal with Lucky, but not the other. So I waited until he was with his friends in the yard and marched right up to him. I crushed his jaw before he could get a word out. Kicked him so hard he had to go to the hospital for broken ribs. While I did this, I yelled at him who’s lucky now, bitch.”

“Whoah.” Dean let out. Cas felt a sense of worry stealing over him at the thought that this was the man that he would be defending.

“Apparently, it was enough. They started saying that I was lucky and then later they just called me by that name instead of my own.”

“What is your real name?” Cas asked.

“Fergus. A stupid name for a stupid boy. I was glad to shed it. My new name has served me well, and I think it fits me much better. I am quite lucky.” He smiled at them. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to make the rounds, and Cas, I’ll see you Tuesday.” He leaned over to Dean then, “I hope to see you again too.”

“Thanks for the cigar,” Dean said as Lucky turned to go. Cas looked at Dean. Dean sucked on the cigar and looked out past Cas to the crowd. Jess walked over to them with Sam.

“Dance with me Dean.” She said as she reached down and pulled him up from his seat.

“I don’t dance sugar.” He tried to refuse.

“Oh, maybe Cas should ask.” She stepped back and looked down at Cas.

“Really, Jess, I don’t dance.”

She looked at him with sad pleading eyes then and said, “Please don’t make my feet suffer the wrath of your brother’s feet.”

“Fine, how can I resist that face.” Dean looked back at Sam and said, “You owe me.”

“Nah, you get to dance with the finest looking lady in the room. So, you owe me.” He pecked Jess on the cheek and said, “Don’t let him try anything. He can’t be trusted.”

Dean looked at him with mock indignation. “I have some morals.” Jess led Dean out to the dance floor and Sam watched them flow through the crowd.

“Do you want to get some air?” Sam nodded toward the veranda. “You don’t look so good.”

Cas stood and followed Sam. He took glass of wine from a passing waiter as they went. They stepped out onto the nearly empty veranda and looked out over the vast greenway. The moonlight glistening off of the lake in the distance. It looked like something out of a fairytale. “I might cut out early.” Cas began.

“Hmm, what’s happening with Dean?” Sam leaned onto the Tuscan railing that framed the edge of the veranda and looked over to Cas.

“Nothing.” Cas joined him at the railing.

“Is that the problem?”

“No. The problem is more complicated. I am not sure that I am comfortable talking about this with you.” Cas stole a glance at him out of the corner of his eye and felt reassured by the fact that Sam was looking out into the distance and not at him.

“I tried to tell you that he is not simple. He is big old complicated mess. What happened in there with Crowley? You were fine before.” 

“Well, Dean told Lucky that he is not gay. Lucky was creepy. Everything at that table just felt filthy, and all I could think is, I have to work with this cretin. How am I going to do that?” 

“Was he really all that bad or was the real problem what Dean said?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t think that I am ready to be diving into anything with anybody, especially your straight brother.” Cas took a gulp of wine and then held the glass in his hands over the railing.

“You know, Cas. People lie. Just think about that a little.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just think about it. People lie all the time. When they want something really badly, they lie. When they are afraid, they lie. We deal in lies for a living. I shouldn’t have to explain the concept.”

“I don’t think that Dean was lying.” Cas turned to him and took another sip of his drink.

“Well, I know him better than you, and I’m saying that you are wrong.” Sam faced him now too.

“Oh, really? Are you basing that on the countless men that you have set him up with?” Cas couldn’t help but let a little of his irritation escape his lips. You did this Sam. How could you get my hopes up?

“No, I am basing it on the one and only time I saw him almost happy.” Sam reached out to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m your friend, Cas. I wouldn’t have encouraged this if I didn’t think that it was possible.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have meddled in your brother’s private life or mine for that matter. I feel like an idiot.” Cas was about to stalk back into the party when Sam asked, “Did he talk about Benny?”

Cas turned back, “A little. He said that Benny was his friend, that he use to come over and cook for you both.”

“Yeah, that is true, but it isn’t everything. Dad was very unkind to Dean and Benny. For the life of me I don’t know how he could forgive him. I never did, but Dean just has a bigger heart when it comes to family than I do. I think that family isn’t something that you get just because someone shares your blood. They have to be more to you. Dad didn’t give that part to Dean. Just so you know, Dean doesn’t have the capacity to deal with all of his issues at once. If you want this, you have to be patient.” Sam paused then added, “If it is too much, I will understand, and I will want to still be your friend. I hope that I haven’t ruined that for us.”

Cas looked back toward the party intending to return. “You still have my friendship. I do think though, that you are wrong about Dean. Sometimes the truth is just obvious.” With that he stalked back into the main hall, leaving Sam behind in the dark.


	21. Oh L'Amour

Gabe and Kali took a cab home earlier, so the two of them rode home together alone. The silence in the car was thick and neither seemed to know how to cut through it. The silence followed them all the way back to the condo. Dean was walking behind Cas. He had placed a hand on Cas’ back as they went through the door seemingly to steady him, as Cas was a little tipsy. “I suppose that I should say goodbye now. I will probably leave in the morning before you get up.” Dean muttered as they made their way into the living room.

“Or, you could just say goodbye tomorrow. I will be awake.” Cas began walking toward his room. He felt a world of desolation pressing down on his shoulders and his chest. He kept replaying Dean’s words from the party in his mind. He kept repositioning them so that they were directed at him and not at Lucky. How had he misread the signals so much. I didn’t. There it was that still small voice trying to coerce him into a world of hurt. Dean followed him into the bedroom and watched him as he turned and slumped down onto his bed. He was seated at the edge, his back arched forward as he looked down at Dean’s shoes. Don’t look at his face. That will make it easier. 

“I feel like you are upset with me about something. What’s going on, Cas?” Dean shuffled about in front of him waiting for an answer.

“I’m upset with myself. The evening was unpleasant.” Cas chanced a look up at Dean’s face then and quickly reverted back to the floor when he saw the look of concern, the look that was all too appealing to Cas.

“Did I miss something?” Dean stopped shuffling a little and leaned against the doorframe, pressing his hands into his pockets, “I thought that things were going well.”

Cas felt the desperate need to just tell him everything. Lay it all out. It would be easier than pushing it all down. Bite the bullet, Cas. Just spill. Instead of directness, though, Cas went with another approach. “Lucky was certainly interesting wasn’t he?”

“That’s one word for him. What does he have to do with anything?”

“He seemed to like you.” Cas chanced another look up at Dean’s face and then off to the side.

“I’m a likeable guy.” Dean seemed to be trying to lighten the mood then. Cas felt a slight smile tug at the edge of his lips.

“Yeah, you are.” Cas let that hang there for a bit then looked back at Dean’s face. He looked serious again like he couldn’t understand why Cas would find him likeable. Cas suddenly felt like he needed to make him feel likeable. He felt like it mattered somehow. He once again though, chose a more circuitous route. “You told Lucky that you are not gay.”

“Yes.” Dean did not elaborate.

“Why did you do that?” Cas stared at him, wanting to understand how this man that held his hand in the dark, and made him feel like the world was made of stars, could be an impossible dream.

“Because I am not.” Dean seemed to be growing uncomfortable with the conversation. Cas didn’t know what to do.

“Hmm, well, that sucks.” Cas continued to stare at him. A little irritation breaking through his dejection.

“Does it?” Dean asked quietly.

“Quite.” Cas looked back down at his hands folded in front of him and continued, “When Charles left, I was done, just done. I didn’t want anymore of the drama or the shit that came with letting someone in. So, I made a choice. I watched the world spin out around me, and I kept to myself, mostly. I had my friends. They filled the companionable gaps that Charles vacated. Everything else though, stayed empty and tucked away. I didn’t need to fill those gaps. Then my stupid friends invited me out to a stupid bar and introduced me to a stupid beautiful man and everything got sent to Hell.”

“Hey, I think I know that man.” Dean tried to joke, but it failed when he saw how Cas’ face looked up at him. “Sorry.”

Cas continued, “I wish you could see the mess in my head for the last two years. Actually, I’m glad that you can’t. I don’t know. I just know that for the last year, I had been functional. I had been capable of going out with my people, and kind of living in the real world again. I had compartmentalized all that needed to be compartmentalized, and I was okay. Not good, but okay. I didn’t expect you. Everything in me rebelled against the tight little existence that had served me so well for so long. I had a tiny battle in my head all last week. Funny how I have only known you for a week.”

Dean was looking down at his feet as he leaned against the door frame. He didn’t speak, but Cas watched him. “I’ve had an interesting week too. Between my head and Sammy’s constant phone calls, I am not sure that I have had a moment’s peace. He kept talking about you. All week, it was Cas this and Cas that.”

“That must have been annoying.” Cas kept watching his face as he spoke.

“Not like you think.” Dean paused then. He took a step away from the door frame toward Cas. “I’ve been with a lot of women. More than I can even remember. Just women. So, when Lucky kept joking around, I responded. It was a response that I have tossed out before. It is a comfortable response. I’ve only been with women so therefore, I am not gay. At least that seemed like an acceptable response at the time.”

“What would be the acceptable response now?” Cas continued looking up at Dean as he drew closer.

“When I was younger my dad made sure that there was only one response that I could have in these situations. You heard my response tonight. Back then, if it ever seemed like I was thinking differently, I got sent to camp.”

“What do you mean?”

“I only told you about the hunting camp. I didn’t mention the other camps. The last one was when I was 17. Benny had been over. Dad saw something that night that he didn’t like. It was innocent, but that didn’t matter. I went to camp. So, Cas I’m not gay. They prayed the gay right out of me.” Dean was standing in front of him now and Cas continued to watch his face. He felt like he understood. He felt like things were starting to click.

“So, what are you saying?” Cas murmured.

“Maybe I’m not saying anything. I’m not good at that sort of thing. Sammy’s the talker. I am sort of a doer.” Dean bent down until he was at eye level with Cas, and Cas moved his arms out to the mattress. Dean knelt down in front of him, placing his hands on either side of Cas’ thighs. “The problem is though, I fuck everything up. I am a giant mess. I think that you should not want this.”

“I should be allowed to make my own choices.” Cas felt Dean’s hands move up behind his back then as he edged closer to him. His palms were warm against the small of his back, between his suit jacket and his dress shirt. He shuddered a little at the touch, the closeness.

“I don’t have much to offer someone like you.” Cas moved his legs apart a little and Dean eased closer to him. “I don’t have any relationship skills whatsoever.” Cas ran his hands up Dean’s arms. He could feel Dean’s hands on his back moving up along either side of his spine. They were wide open, fingers splayed out. The warmth of them pressing into him. “I am completely uncomfortable with who I am.” Dean’s forehead dipped down to rest against Cas’. “I wish that I was like you. I wish that I had your confidence.”

“Dean, I don’t have much of any confidence. I have doubts about myself, about everything, but maybe tonight I can have enough confidence for both of us.” Cas bridged the gap between them then. Dean did not back away this time. His lips welcomed Cas with eagerness. Cas ran his hands up to Dean’s face, feeling the slight hint of the day’s new growth of stubble just poking through. He ran his hands back into Dean’s hair and held him there. Dean pressed in closer to Cas, his hands moving up his back, tightening. His lips parted and Cas felt Dean’s tongue take a long swipe through his mouth. He tasted of wine and the sweetness of dessert. Cas wondered about his own flavor, but only until he felt Dean withdrawing a little. The kiss passed from his mouth to his throat, nuzzling into his collarbone. Then Dean moved back and stared into Cas’ eyes. Cas ran one of his hands from the back of Dean’s head to his cheek. His thumb making slow circles of affection there.

Where do we go from here? Cas could see desire in Dean’s eyes, but he saw something else too. He saw a touch of worry lacing the look. It was that look that made him pause in his thoughts. “I don’t expect anything from you, Dean. This, right here, tonight, this is enough for me. I can wait for you.” He saw the look of relief that danced behind Dean’s stare.

Then the look changed a little to a look of confusion. “Wait, you don’t want me?”

Cas laughed slightly, “A world of no. I have never in all my life wanted someone as much as I want you, but I am patient, somewhat. This isn’t a race to the finish line. I will wait for you to feel like you don’t have to hide who you are. I’ll wait until you can look at me and not feel your Dad guilting you. I will wait, and in the end, you’ll be mine.” Cas finished and felt Dean dip back toward him again, their lips meeting with intensity.

They parted again and Dean said, “I think I already am.”

“What?”

“Yours.” Dean stood then and Cas walked him to the door, one arm wrapped around his back.

“Go to bed, Dean, but don’t leave without waking me up tomorrow.” Cas placed a final light kiss on Dean’s lips and released him. He turned back to his bed and smiled to himself as he readied himself for sleep. I’ll never fall asleep tonight. He eventually slipped between the covers, brushing away stray kernels of popcorn from the night before. Licking his lips, the taste of Dean still lingering, he let out a sigh and closed his eyes.


	22. Maybe I'm Amazed

Cas woke up from his restless night of sleep and decided that he was going to fight   
Dean’s departure just a little. Did last night really happen? Did he really let me kiss him? God, am I actually considering a relationship with a closeted gay man? When did I end up back in high school? He ran the back of his hand over his eyelids. He felt the sandy bits scratching out of his eyes. The sun had not yet fully made its way up. The windows though showed hints of hazy dawn through the blinds. 

There was a hesitant knock then, and Cas called out, “Come in. I’m awake.” He quickly did a breath check before the door opened and found the results unsatisfying. Dean strolled in wearing his sleep sweats and tee shirt. The shirt like all of his shirts was gloriously too tight in Cas’ opinion. None of his clothes should fit. I will make it a law. He laughed just slightly and Dean looked at him quizzically when he did.

“Something funny?”

“I am just happy, that’s all.” Cas rolled onto his side and reached into his nightstand for his mint tin. He popped one into his mouth and said, “How did you sleep?”

Dean sat on the edge of the bed and placed a hand on Cas’ leg. “Sleep? What is this thing of which you speak?” Dean smiled down at him. “You look like you got a little sleep. You’re not all racoon-eyed like I probably am.”

“Hmm, I maybe got a couple of hours. I fully blame you.” He reached out his arms and Dean leaned into him for a kiss. It was soft and warming. Cas eased into the middle of the bed, pulling Dean over with him. “You don’t have to go home yet.” He muttered when their lips parted.

“Is that a question?”

“No, it is a statement of fact.” Cas pulled him back into his lips again to avoid any further discussion on the subject, and Dean went along with the plan. Cas ran his hand up Dean’s arms and said, “You are cold. Get under the blankets.”

“Bossy. Is this how it will always be?” Despite that he slipped under the covers and allowed Cas to pull him close. Their bodies were firmly against each other as Cas began pressing kisses into his neck, down his shoulder, and back to his lips.

Dean’s hands ran up Cas’s back beneath his shirt. “More skin.” He husked out as he tried to shove Cas’ shirt up over his head. Cas leaned back to help and laughed at his clumsy attempts.

“Here, let me help.” He pulled the shirt up over his head and tossed it off the end of the bed. Dean ran his lips down Cas’ cheek to his jawline. He followed the dip of skin at the edge of his neck to his shoulder. He worked his lips down his chest, spending time on his clavicle. Cas began pulling at Dean’s shirt then until Dean’s hands dipped down and finished the job. Dean moved back up Cas’ body, being sure to bring his bare chest into as much contact with Cas as was possible. 

Dean’s legs fell to either side of Cas’ and Cas could do nothing but focus on the pressure that he found there. His body shuddered beneath Dean. His chest was hammering out a rhythm against Dean. His breath against Dean’s neck came out in ragged gasps. “Dean,” he murmured into his ear.

“Cas.” Dean whispered into his hair. “God, I don’t want to go.”

“Don’t go.” Cas thrust up his hips toward Dean then to make his point. Dean gasped and rushed down to Cas’ mouth. His lips pulled at Cas’ until they parted and then his tongue found its way in. Dean’s hips crushed down onto Cas in a rhythm to match Cas’ own.

Dean pulled his head back and stared down into Cas’ blue eyes. Their bodies still moving together. He rasped out, “I thought that you said that you were patient.”

“I say a lot of things.” Cas smirked. Dean’s eyes closed then and his body shook. Cas ran his hands over his back and gripped him tight. Their movements became less rhythmic and more chaotic, but only for a moment. Then Dean’s eyes opened as the moment arrived. They stayed like that for a time, just staring at each other, bodies shuddering against each other, less and less with each moment.

“Wow.” Dean breathed out as he slumped down onto Cas.

“Understatement.” Cas rolled him to the side and threw a leg over him. “Mine.” He nuzzled into Dean’s shoulder placing little kisses there.

Dean fiddled with the hair at the back of Cas’ head. “Mine.” He replied back. “God, Cas, what are you doing to me?”

Cas sucked in a deep breath of Dean. “I should be asking you that question.” He leaned back a little to look up at Dean’s face. “Why do you have to go?”

“Bobby and I made a deal. He said that he could spare me if I came back early on Sunday. How was I supposed to know that this plan sucked?”

“So you would stay if you could?”

“I’m already staying when I shouldn’t.” Dean brushed Cas’ forehead with his lips. His fingers came up and swirled through Cas’ messy brown hair, making it stand on end. “I like your crazy hair.”

“I like your crazy face.”

“I like your crazy blue eyes.”

“I like your crazy soft lips.” Cas kissed his lips quickly when he said this.

“I like your crazy nose.” Dean kissed his nose then.

“I like your crazy rough hands.”

“Are they too rough?”

“No, I said I like them. You should listen better.”

“I like you.”

“I like you too.”

“I will just drive faster and maybe Bobby won’t notice that I am late.”

Cas ran his fingers up Dean’s side stopping just above his chest. There was a round white scar there like a healed puncture wound. “How did you get this?”

“That is old.” Dean plucked his fingers up and kissed them. “I was shot.”

He said it so matter of factly that Cas didn’t respond right away, then he grabbed Dean’s arm as if he needed to defend him. “What happened?”

Dean laughed, “Ah, Cas, don’t worry. It wasn’t fatal.”

“I know that it wasn’t fatal. How did you get shot?” He was feeling a tension taking over his chest at the thought that someone had done this to Dean.

Dean kissed him again and eased out of the bed. “Long story short, a guy shot me when I was in a bad part of town. He was pretty high.”

“Why?”

“Guess, he just didn’t find me as likable as you do.” Dean tried to joke as he reached for his shirt. He slipped it back on and leveled his gaze at Cas. “Stop looking so worried. It was a long time ago, and I am way more careful now. I’ll be right back. I just need to get changed before I go.” He stalked out of the room for a few minutes, leaving Cas alone in the bed with his thoughts. He came back in a pair of jeans and the same shirt. He walked over to the side of the bed.

“I don’t like thinking that you could have been taken away from me.” Cas sat up and threw his legs over the edge of the bed. Dean reached over to him and pulled him up into a hug.

“Stop worrying.” Dean said into Cas’ hair. “Now walk me out.” Cas went along with Dean’s leading arm. They walked out to the living room where Dean’s duffle bag was waiting. His toolbox was on the blanket by the door. Cas squeezed him tighter as Dean reached over to snatch up the bag. He threw it over his other shoulder and didn’t release Cas. They slowly meandered over to the door. Dean had to let him go then to pick up the toolbox.

“When will I see you again?” Cas asked quietly.

“Maybe I can get away for lunch this week. I’ll try to make it work out with Bobby. Will you have time for me?” Dean was next to the door now.

“I will always have time for you.” Then he paused and added, “Except for Tuesday. I have to meet with Lucky.”

Dean laughed a little. “I’ll shoot for Wednesday then. Now, come over here, before I go.” Cas drew close and Dean dipped down to kiss him one last time. “Now, do you think that you could get the door for me?” Dean nodded over to the door.

Cas opened the door and watched as Dean made his way down the hall and to the elevator. The door to the elevator opened while Cas lingered watching him. Dean called back as the elevator door was about to close, “See you Wednesday,” and he threw him a wink as the elevator doors closed. Cas smiled at the memory of the first time that this happened and went back into the condo. Somehow I think that this week will be easier than the last. He walked over to the stereo and turned on his music as he surveyed the condo and the cleaning project that he was forming in his mind.

His eyes fell on a coffee mug that was sitting on the corner of the dining room table. He walked over to it and wrapped his hand around it. It was still a little warm from the coffee that Dean had drank from it. He glanced over at the semi-full coffee pot that Dean must have readied before he came into Cas’ room. Cas carried the mug over to the pot and poured the coffee in up to the rim. He pressed his lips to the mug and drank in a long gulp. His thoughts wandered over to Dean’s lips and how they had just recently touched this mug and more importantly him. He looked back at the windows that spanned a large portion of his living room and walked over to the corner spot. The window afforded him an expansive view of the city, but in this moment he only cared about the view below.

He held the coffee in his right hand and raised his left forearm to the window above his head. He leaned his forehead down and rested it against the back of his arm and gazed down at the distant sidewalk. The sun was up now and light was invading the landscape. The sidewalk was peopled with early Sunday risers. It was not as crowded as it would be tomorrow at this time. The neighborhood was populated with business men and women. The suits making a sea of black that flowed from one block to the next. Today though, there were just scattered bodies moving about.

His eyes trailed up the path that Dean would take from his building’s exit to the Corcoran Garage three blocks away. He ran his eyes back along the path worrying for a second that he had missed him. He took another long sip of the coffee while still leaning against his arm. His pants were uncomfortable from his morning activities, and he would need to deal with them soon. He pushed that aside though as he shuffled his feet a little. There. Dean’s tall form and sun glistened hair emerged from the building. He had worried that he wouldn’t recognize him from this distance, but the duffle and the toolbox could be visible even from up high. He sucked in a deep breath and followed Dean’s walk toward the garage.

God, he is beautiful even from here. Cas closed his eyes for a second imagining him closer. He opened his eyes back up and noticed then that there were two men just behind Dean matching his pace. It would not have seemed like much except that there was something that bothered Cas about their closeness. It was an unnecessary closeness given that the sidewalks were nearly empty. They were wearing what appeared to be dark suits, which should have comforted him, since that likely meant that they weren’t muggers. Yet, somehow he wasn’t comforted. He held his breath and watched as the two men separated and moved to either side of Dean the three of them now walking in sync. Dean’s pace did not slow and neither did the pace of the men. They continued that way until they were out of his line of sight beneath the wall of the Corcoran Garage.

Call him. He took three long-gaited strides over to the counter and plucked up his phone. He had it ringing Dean’s number within seconds. He held it to his head, breath held, worried, but not knowing what exactly he was worrying over. The ringing sound tensed his muscles in the back of his neck with each start and stop. Two rings now. He waited for the third. It came. He held his breath waiting for the fourth. What if he doesn’t answer? 

“Miss me already?” The voice was so casual, so warm. Cas finally breathed again.

“I was watching you walk to the garage,” Cas said.

Dean chuckled into the phone. “Stalker.”

“I was worried. There were two guys walking with you. I thought...Well, I don’t know what I thought.” Cas petered out with a sigh of confusion, coupled with the relief that Dean was okay.

“So, you thought that I was already replacing you just two steps outside your condo?”

Cas could hear the mirth in Dean’s voice. “Yes, Dean. I was just all kinds of jealous.” Cas quipped back.

“Well, you know, Cas, it was good while it lasted.” Dean laughed at him and Cas joined him.

Falling back into seriousness again, Cas asked, “You are okay then?”

“I never would have pegged you for a worrier. Yeah, I’m fine. They were just ...lost.” There was something in the way that Dean paused before the last word that made Cas wonder, but he let it go as Dean added, “I hate to cut this short, but I have to load up the car and get on the road. I’d talk to you while driving, but frankly, I find you too distracting, and I need to focus in the city. People drive like idiots here. I don’t know how you handle it.”

Cas smiled into the phone and leaned against his kitchen counter. He had not realized until that moment how much tension he was holding in his frame. “So, I’m distracting now?”

“Exceedingly. It’ll be bad enough driving with just my own thoughts. I don’t need your voice getting involved. You do that sexy low growly thing and I will likely crash into a bus or something.” Dean sounded like he was opening and closing the trunk.

Cas, completely unconsciously thank you very much, lowered his tone and said, “Well, I wouldn’t want you to crash.”

There was a pause before Dean said, “Unfair. Next time I won’t tell you what I’m thinking. You’ll just use it against me.”

Still in his lowered voice, “So, I’ll see you Wednesday. Unless you find yourself here sooner.”

“Stop it. I’m hanging up now.” Dean sounded happy and flustered all at once. Cas liked it.

“Bye, Dean.”

“Bye, Cas.” The call ended and Cas thought that he would never feel happier than he did at this moment. How will I make it to Wednesday? I am going to need to convince him that Wednesday is just too far away. I’ll use the voice.


	23. Wednesday is Just too Far Away

He had spent the remainder of his Sunday in a kind of hazy daze. He was certain that his feet were not on the ground as he walked about. Nothing could have prepared him for this. He worked his way through the house cleaning and tried not to text Dean every five minutes about whatever random thing came into his head. He was doing a good job too, I am a focused man. Totally not obsessing. Totally keeping it together. The popcorn in the room took forever to clean up as it was crushed into the carpet and spread about into every little nook and cranny.

I thought that I was going to get a little help with this. I should text Dean and harass him about leaving this task for me. Then he thought about it and decided to save that text for later. I don’t need to look desperate. He only just left a couple of hours ago.

And that was how his Sunday went. Lots of little internal monologues and cleaning. He was in some ways looking forward to the distraction that Monday would bring. He also worried some about what Tuesday would bring. He was not looking forward to that. And as if his thoughts had magically triggered events, his fax machine kicked on and began spewing out paper.

On a Sunday? He walked over to it and looked down at the cover sheet that came through. It was from the law offices of Singh and Saltzman. And so it begins. The paperwork covered much of the work that they had done for Lucky over the past year. They were seemingly handing off only the most recent stuff, since, if his memory served, they had been representing Crowley in his civil cases for nearly a decade. Most of what he could glean from the papers in front of him concerned Crowley’s pharmaceutical dealings. I am not awake enough for this. He set the papers aside and poured himself another cup of coffee before returning to them.

He pulled out his laptop and opened his email, planning to message Gabe to come over and help him with the papers. He totally wants to do this even if he is on leave. Instead he found a message from Gabe. The subject line read: Fluffy Baby Bears.

He did not even think about it. He opened the video attachment fully expecting to see another karaoke night video. Instead, he was given a very intense sex scene from one of Gabe’s go-to pornos. Cas immediately clicked the x on the viewer, threw his head back, and laughed a little. Okay, Gabe you got me. You are the king of the long con. He opened up a browser then and decided to look up news footage on Crowley. He had to admit, he was not as informed on his latest doings as he would like to be going in.

The first video was from MSNBC. The shot began with a scene of Crowley talking to a reporter. He was saying, “The people have said what they want. They want this vaccine. They want to know that when the Ebola outbreak in Africa gets to our shores that our drugs will be there to save them. So the FDA can bleep around all they want, but the people won’t put up with it.” 

Crowley started to walk away when the reporter asked, “What will you do if the FDA does not approve your vaccine? Will you market it overseas exclusively?”

“Our drug is already being used overseas to great effect. The fact that the FDA is balking at it here is just foolhardy. They will approve it. I just hope that they don’t wait for more people to start dying.”

Cas stopped the video then and thought about the confidence that Crowley showed in front of the camera. He was much better at the interviews than Ezra. He glanced over at the papers and realized that one of the cases being outlined there concerned the Ebola vaccine. He decided to send an email over to Gabe.

It was a simple message. “Come over and help me with the Crowley paperwork. You owe me. I watched the video.”

Ten minutes later there was a knock on his door. He opened it to find Gabe standing there with his casual smirk. “Liked the video did we?”

“Long story short, no.” Cas beckoned him in and added, “Get you a drink?”

“Sure. Beer me up, Cassie.” Gabe walked over to the table and looked down at the papers spread out over the top. “So you and Deany have a nice night?”

“Yep.” Cas did not elaborate as he brought the beer over to the table. He couldn’t help but smile a little though.

“Oh, you so want to talk, and I so don’t want too many details.” Gabe smirked. He sat down and pulled out one of the papers on the vaccine. “What’s this stuff? I thought that we were taking care of their tax evasion problem.”

“Your guess is as good as mine. He told me at the party that we were going to work a different case. He hadn’t hinted at this though. I am meeting with him on Tuesday, but I don’t want to go in blind. This seems like a bunch of stuff that is outside our pay grade.” Cas sat across from him.

“Hmm.” Gabe was reading one of the papers and was no longer listening to him. He was often like this. It was hard for him to maintain his frivolous facade when a case really grabbed him. This one was starting to grab him. “Did you read this?” He passed a paper over to Cas.

Cas looked down at it and said, “I haven’t really read any of it.” 

“I’ll give you the gist of that one. The FDA approved clinical trials, but the other paper…” Gabe slid over a second sheet, “This one says that the clinical trials were never approved.”

“Is this for the Ebola vaccine?” 

“Yes, I think that they are planning to have us work solely with their pharmaceutical cases.” Gabe leaned back then, “This is huge. Niveus Pharmaceuticals is poised for greatness right now. If the vaccine takes off, well that will be just amazing. Of course they will have some stiff competition from GlaxoSmithKline. They already got the green light on their human trials.”

“So, how can they be approved and not approved at the same time?” Cas pulled over some of the documents.

“That, my dear Cas, is the million dollar question.”

They spent the evening pouring through the papers without hardly a word between them. The hours that passed were hardly noticed until the buzz from Cas’ phone startled him out of his quiet focus. It was Dean.  
I don’t have a picture of you.

“Who is interrupting us?” Gabe reached across and snatched the phone from Cas. He read the text as Cas tried to snatch the phone back. Gabe rocked out of reach and then said, “What shall I text loverboy? Oh, the possibilities.” He dodged around the table as Cas stood and moved to intercept him.

“Don’t.” He moved to the left. Gabe moved to the right. 

“He wants a picture. Let’s see what we can send him.” Gabe seemed to be scrolling through his phone. Cas made another move to the left and then Gabe moved further toward the right.

“I kid you not Gabe, I will never forgive you. Give me the phone.” He practically ran then around the table, but Gabe ran too.

Then Gabe held up the phone and took a picture of Cas from across the table. He looked like he was scrolling, then he calmly set the phone down on the table and slid it over. “See, no harm.”

Cas picked up the phone and looked down at what Gabe had done. The picture that he had taken and sent was mostly unflattering. He looked angry and sick all at once. It could have been worse. It was then that he looked up to find Gabe fiddling with his own phone. “What are you doing?” Cas felt a wave of concern rising in his gut.

“Oh, nothing.” Gabe began gathering papers off of the table. “I’m going to take some of this home. I’ll have it back in the morning. Tata.” Gabe waved as he rushed out of the door.

His phone buzzed then and it was Dean.  
Two questions: Why are you pissed, and why am I receiving random porn? 

Stupid Gabe.


	24. Afternoon Delight

He had managed to explain things to Dean in a manner that was not horribly embarrassing. It was, though, hard not to feel a tad annoyed at the behavior of his socially retarded friend. How many people have to deal with this sort of drama? You would think that this sort of thing would have ended in college. 

He had busied himself with the documents that Gabe had returned to him that morning. The handoff of the documents happened with little fanfare. Basically, Cas had opened the door, Gabe had handed the papers over, and, just before he could make a not too witty joke, Cas closed the door in his face. All, in all, a good start to the morning.

“Hey, angel. You, me, early lunch today?” Cas looked up to see Anna lining the door frame of his office. Her grey pencil skirt and matching jacket set off her red hair in a way that was positively eye-catching.

Cas let out a slight whistle. “I do not look good enough to accompany you. You have court today?”

“Don’t objectify me, Cas.” She laughed, clearly not unhappy with the compliment. “Yeah, I am already done too. I am what you might call, winning.” 

“Wow, was that a Charlie Sheen reference, because even I know that that is old.” Cas laughed at her.

“So, take this old gal to lunch. You can school me on all things pop culture.” She smirked.

“Consider it done. What time?”

“Um, now. Way hungry. Fading fast.” She pantomimed her death by starvation complete with stomach clutching and eye rolling.

“Fine, you win.” Cas gathered a couple of things up on his desk then grabbed his phone to follow Anna out.

\---

Lunch was largely just the two of them getting caught up. He shared with her some of the details about his weekend. He was not too detailed though, despite Anna’s digging.

“Really, Cas I am the only single one left in the group. You must spill all the details. It is an act of the utmost importance.”

“I am not sure just how disturbed I should be right now.” Cas smiled at her as she picked at the remains of her lunch.

“Perfectly natural to want to hear about your friend’s lovely weekend. Perfectly natural.” She laughed. “Sorry though, I didn’t mean that I needed all of the details. Although, would there be some censoring in your tale if you were to tell it?”

“Disturbing again.” Then his phone buzzed. It was Dean.  
Are you in your office today?

“Is that Dean messaging you?” Anna leaned over to investigate for herself.

Because Cas had the Gabe incident firmly in his head he quickly grabbed the phone off of the table and held it away from her. “Yes, I’m just going to reply.”  
I’ll be back there in 15 minutes. I am out at lunch with Anna.  
Perfect.

“What did he want?” She asked.

“I don’t know. I think that he just wanted to know where I was. Odd.”

“Well, we better get back, or actually, you better get back. I am calling it a day.” Anna stretched out her arms and got up from the table. They each carried their bills up to the counter to pay and then headed out.

\---  
Cas paused at his desk to check in with his secretary and sent her off for her own lunch. They usually tried to stagger things so that someone could keep an eye on things. He wandered back into his office and took off his jacket. He was preparing to hang it on the back of his door when a knock came through.

He opened it to find Dean standing there like a deer in the headlights. “Uh, Dean. Is everything okay? What are you doing here?” He pulled Dean into the room and closed the door behind him.

“It takes twenty minutes to drive here from my uncle’s and twenty minutes to drive back.” Cas looked at Dean while he spoke, confusion blanketing his face. “It takes ten minutes to park and walk here. That’s 50 minutes. I believe it will take less than ten minutes to walk back and exit the parking structure, maybe eight minutes.”

“I am afraid that I don’t understand why you are telling me this. Is everything okay?” Cas looked more worried.

“Shh, questions eat up time. I get an hour for lunch before Bobby starts freaking out. By my calculations I have exactly two minutes to explain all of this and to spend time not explaining.” Dean winked at him then and then pressed him back against the wall. His hands moving up to Cas’ face. “I’m going to kiss you now, and that will conclude the explanation portion of this lunch break for me.” He angled Cas’ head and leaned in to kiss him. Cas’ hands moved up to the small of Dean’s back and pulled him in. The kiss deepened and was rough with swift movements. He sent out a slight flick of his tongue and was greeted by Dean’s parting lips. The press of Dean’s body against his was causing his mind to swirl in all sorts of not-safe-for-work directions. He could feel Dean’s chin grazing along his adam’s apple as he sucked a trail down his throat. He made his way back up and sucked at Cas’ bottom lip, before backing away. The moment ending almost as swiftly as it had begun. “Yep, that didn’t help at all.”

“What!?” Cas’ surprise was evident. 

“That did not solve my problem at all. It likely made it worse.”

“What is your problem?” Cas reached out a hand to him.

“You. I can’t seem to focus on anything today. I thought that I could come here and get a little out of my system per se. But, you are going to prove too distracting.” His lips turned up in a half smile as he turned for the door. “Gotta run. I am two minutes over my time. Bobby’s gonna shit a brick. See ya.” And like that he was out the door.

“Anytime.” Cas shook a little with the adrenaline that now rocketed through him. At this rate, this week will not be easier than the last.


	25. This Side of the Law

The plan had been to meet in Zach’s conference room. When Cas stepped in, he found the room too full. Zach seemed to be trying to create an impression. He had invited a large number of the junior associates in, as well as, the others that would more likely work the cases. It felt too crowded for a first meeting.

Cas walked over to Zach and said, “This won’t work. I am going to move things over to my office.” 

Zach looked over at him like he was speaking a different language. “What’s wrong with my office?” 

“You have too many people here. It makes us look like we are trying to impress them. We don’t need to look that desperate.” Cas nodded over to where Lucky and his associates stood by the morning breakfast table. Lucky had a cup of coffee in his hands, while the others stood near him empty-handed waiting.

Zach nodded, “Go ahead.” Zach’s tone acknowledged his assessment of the situation.

Cas walked over to Lucky then and extended a hand, “Good to see you again.”

“Likewise, Mr. Novak. Shall we begin?” He motioned over to the table.

“Yes, but we are going to head over to my office. Let the kids work in here.” Cas employed his most charming smile and raised a hand toward the door.

“Ah, I thought that we were going to have a crowd. Glad to change the venue.” Lucky and his associates followed Cas over to his office. They entered and Cas directed them to the long table. He sat opposite them and set out some legal pads and pens for his notes. He had read in the faxed notes that Lucky was not a fan of electronics at meetings. All notes were to be taken on paper.

One of Lucky’s associates walked the perimeter of the room before stopping behind Lucky’s chair. He leaned in and whispered into Lucky’s ear. “Will anyone else be joining us?”

“For now, no.” 

“What about Gabe?”

“He will be on board later. I do hope that you don’t mind. I assumed that I would be sufficient today, as this is just a preliminary meeting.” Cas was calm as he leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers and laying them out on the table in front of him.

Lucky’s smile quirked up at the edge, “You will be quite sufficient, I think.” He turned to his associates then, who stood behind him. “May I introduce three very important associates of mine?” He raised a hand toward a brunette to the left of his seat. “This is M. She is my diplomat. She is going to be in charge of you. She is knowledgeable in all aspects of our little operations. She has a head for numbers, details, and she can read people in a way that I have often found most valuable.” Cas looked at her face, a round inviting, almost childlike face at first glance. A deeper look revealed something hardened, perhaps a life that dragged her about a bit.

Cas said, “Nice to meet you. Your name is M?” He asked her, but Lucky was the one to reply.

“Yes, her name is M.” He motioned toward the second woman, another brunette. Her hair was tied back into a loose ponytail. Her suit was crisp though, and dark. “This is R. She is in charge of the research. She knows all of the gory details concerning our research. She is available if you need information about our drug trials overseas as well as here.”

Once again Cas directed his words to the one being described, “Nice to meet you, R.”

Lucky began again, this time gesturing to the man at his other side. “Lastly, this is A. He is hopefully, only going to meet you this once.” Cas cocked his head to the side at this very limited explanation. “You see, he is a man with a unique skill set. He makes sure that things work out according to plan.”

Cas didn’t want to ask, but sometimes his brain didn’t work right, “And when the plans don’t work out.”

“A makes sure that they always do.” Lucky smiled a most beatific smile. “So, now that you have met my ARM, let’s get down to business.” He chuckled a little at his subtle joke.

The meeting sprawled out for hours and Cas learned more than he had wanted. When Lucky had finally risen to go, Cas followed him quite willingly to the door. His associates trailing after them both. He walked them all the way out to the elevator. Before they got in M spoke, “I will be here in the morning to go over some of the specific files that you have not seen yet. I set up the meeting already with your secretary. It looked like you were free all morning. Now you are not. See you at 7.” She turned to the elevator as it opened and followed the others inside.

“Seven it is then.” Cas responded as the doors closed.

\---  
Later that night, Cas sat up in bed looking over his notes from the day. An email came through. Gabe had sent something that was not typical. The subject line read, Not porn, I swear.

Strangely, the subject head actually assured him that it really was porn-free. It contained no baby animal references. I live in a truly strange mental world. He read the message first.   
Watch the background. I’ll come over later. Something weird about it.

He opened the video and played it. It was from the night at the bar. There was a background scene. It looked like Gabe was filming another of his sneaky videos meant to cover the times when he was away from the table. He could hear the whiny peal of song coming over the speakers. He could see Anna and Gabe dancing out on the floor in the center of the shot. Then he noticed the background. Dean was there. He was just beyond the entryway looking in. A man stood at his shoulder, just behind him. He was leaned in close to Dean’s ear. He appeared to be speaking. Dean’s face did not betray any emotion. He just kept standing there. Then, a barely perceptible motion occurred and he seemed to have handed something back to the man, before walking into the main part of the bar. The whining song ended and everyone cheered. Gabe returned to the table to shut off the recording.

Gabe showed up at his door several minutes later. “Did you get the email?”

“Yeah.” Cas ushered him into the condo.

“So, what do you think that was?”

“I don’t know. It was odd, huh.”

“I’ll say. I wonder what that guy was saying.” Gabe sat at the counter. “I hadn’t watched this one until last night. I was looking for some new torment for you, when I found this one.”

“He is attractive. Maybe he was just hitting on Dean.” Cas theorized.

‘Then what did Dean hand him?” Gabe wondered out loud.

“Maybe, I should just ask him. Not sure if it matters though. I know he didn’t go home with the guy.” Cas smiled a little at the assurance that he felt with his words.

“Yeah, it just seemed odd. Do with it what you will.” Gabe got back up and headed for the door. “Did it go well with Crowley today?”

“Ah, that is the real reason that you came over, huh?” Cas smiled over at him.

“I did have some curiosity. So, spill, jerk.” Gabe laughed.

“I took copious notes and fully intended to pass them on to you. Just give them back before I go in tomorrow. I have a follow-up at the not obscene hour of 7 am.” Cas walked over to the table and plucked up a folder containing his notes, and handed them off to Gabe. “Enjoy.”

“Wow. Some light reading.” Gabe seemed to weigh the folder. “Thanks for the distraction. You're making my so called leave seem less like a leave.” 

“I do what I can. I’ll see you bright and early.” Cas followed him out the front door and waved him off.

“Goodnight, Cas.”


	26. New Friends in Low Places

He sat across from her pouring over the all too complex memos and exchanges from one government agency to another. There was no simplicity in bureaucracy and these papers proved it. When Niveus would communicate with one agency then an entirely separate agency would respond. Sometimes Cas wondered if there were documents missing as they did not go together in a coherent path.

M sat at her side of the conference table clearly bored. She was supposed to be there answering his questions. She clearly was not enjoying her role. “If you are bored, you can leave. I don’t mind calling with questions.” Cas offered.

“Nope, sugar. Boss don’t like it when we share certain stuff over the phone. We only do this in person.” She got up and wandered over to the cabinet on the far wall of Cas’ office. She popped open the door and peered inside.

“Can I help you find something?” Cas asked while she closed the door.

“Nope. You have boring cabinets. Where do you store your libations?” She moved on to another cabinet and popped it open.

Cas got up then to arrest her progress. He pressed the door closed and said, “I don’t store alcohol in my office. This isn’t the 1950s.” Cas beckoned her back to the table, “Besides, isn’t it a little early for that?”

She sauntered back to the seat and plopped herself into it with exaggerated frustration. “Bored, bored, bored.”

“Sorry, I couldn’t be more entertaining.” Cas laughed a little at her as he returned to his seat. 

“You do realize that this is all rather...unnecessary?” She swept her hand out over the papers on the table to indicate what she meant.

“Really, you think that putting together an acceptable defense for your boss is unnecessary?”

“Yep, complete waste of time. You should just scrap this effort. The sunlight beckons and beyond it there will be a sad little bar with daytime drinkers just waiting to welcome us with open arms.” She smiled what likely was her most charming smile, all teeth and wide-open eyes. The way that her wavy brown hair fell around her face framed her in a manner that gave her face a sense of youth. Cas looked at her and thought, not for the first time, that she looked like an adult cherub and kind of cute, for a girl.

“So, clearly we have just taken the short trip to Bizarro World.” He tried to begin working again and was successful for a few minutes. Then her finger tapping on the table became a new distraction.

“Did you ever wonder why Mr. Crowley picked your little firm?” She threw out at Cas.

“Everyday.”

“Do you think that you are special?”

“Nope.”

“There, you go. That was the first right thing you have said all day.”

“What are you talking about?”

“We have a lot of lawyers.”

“Still not following.”

“The case that you are working on will never go anywhere. You only have to get the evidence together, but if you don’t we have back-up.”

“Not for this case though.”

“Meh, maybe. This case is nothing though. The FDA wants to approve this. They don’t care how we got our results. They just need us to make it so that everything looks good. So, that’s your job, but you are not the only one working on it.”

“Well, now I feel rather pointless.” Cas sat back then and wondered what to do next.

“That is why we should work elsewhere. Come on, sugar, get me a drink.”

Cas stood then and scooped up the stack of papers. "I'm only going along with this if you let me work."

"Fair enough. Thank God, you're not as stiff as I thought you were."

Cas had to laugh at that. "I am. I just know when I'm losing, and I cut my losses."

"You're going to have to teach me that skill." She laughed and they headed out.

\-----------------------  
They found the most smokey dive the city had to offer within walking distance from the office. Cas was nervous about the clientele. They seemed rough, but his mind was put at ease by M's casual attitude.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this. How am I going to work here?" Cas slipped into a dark booth deep in the bar.

"You were powerless against my charms." She laughed at him and added, "You forget that I do this for a living, manipulate people. Gotta admit though, I thought that you'd be more of a challenge."

"Hmm, maybe I wanted a little change of scenery too. Sometimes my subconscious is my guide." Mostly Cas just didn't want to believe that he has been manipulated.

"Well, call me Jiminy Cricket then." She playfully punched him on the arm and added, "What are you drinking?"

"What does one drink at 10 am?" Cas asked with a wry smile.

"A Bloody Mary if one is trying to pretend that morning drinking is any different from afternoon or evening drinking." She stared at him though and said, "You, my new friend, are going to have a gin and tonic."

"Fine." Cas tossed her some cash and she took it and headed for the bar. Cas pulled out the papers to at least feel like some facade of work was occurring. M returned with their drinks a few minutes later.

She slid into the booth and was opposite him. She tipped her head back with her beer in hand and took a long pull from the bottle.

"So, why is it that you think my little firm is so insignificant?" Cas asked while lifting his drink to his lips.

"We do our best to retain as many lawyers as possible. Any firm worth noticing will find us knocking at their door. Even if we don't use you much, we have set up a conflict of interest for you that keeps you out of our enemy's back pocket."

"Who is your enemy?"

"Plural, sweety, and that is a list that is too long for this conversation." She finished off her beer and proceeded to twirl the bottle around on its base. "So give me your deets."

"What do you mean?" Cas asked and swirled the drink with his pointless tiny straw.

"Your deets, you know. Married, kids, your job is your life, etc." She ran through the list rapidly then stared at him.

"Not married. No kids. Married to my job. Gay." He responded with equal speed. "What about you?"

"Not married. One kid. Married to my job, but it's a rocky marriage. Straight.” She stared at him as if she were trying to read him. “In a relationship?”

“Sort of. It’s complicated.” He stammered out.

“So, your arm candy at Ezra’s...Is that the ‘sort of it’s complicated?” She asked.

“Yes. It is too new to call it a relationship,” Cas explained.

“Well, I can say this for you, you have good taste.”

“So, you were at the party? What did you think?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Did you like it? Did you find it enjoyable? I don’t know.” Cas was just trying to make conversation that didn’t involve a discussion of his maybe kind of not sure yet relationship.

“Well, I am not the kind of girl to shy away from free alcohol and a vista of pretty boys, so I would say that the party was mostly satisfying. How about you?”

“I found it all to be a tad ostentatious.” Cas took a sip of his drink then went back to swirling the ice around.

“More of a beer and pretzels kind of guy?” She reached over to the peanut bowl on the table and popped a couple in her mouth. She grimaced as though they contained all of the tasty dust that they appeared to contain.

“Not really. I just like things to be simple and orderly. When a place gets to be that big or that full of people, it is hard to see it as orderly. It’s just chaos. If that makes sense.”

“Well, it certainly fits what I read about you in your dossier.”

“What? You had a file on me?”

“We do? You were a fascinating read.”

“Really? What did you learn?” Cas considered all of the odd little tidbits that could be floating around about him. He felt a knot of discomfort growing in his stomach and chose to drown it in a gulp of the gin and tonic.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t like reading a novel about you or anything. It was just sort of like taking someone’s vitals. Where you went to school, who your roommates were, your grades, your parents and siblings, significant connections, and such…”

“What do you mean by significant connections?” 

“Oh, you know. Who popped your cherry and such.”

Cas choked on his drink and began sputtering in gasps.

“Oh, sorry, sweety. I was so joking. God you are easy. I might just have to make our little visits a habit just for the entertainment that you afford.” She laughed at him and waved a hand of dismissal. “We looked into marriages and domestic partnerships. We don’t really care about the casual hook-ups.” 

“Still, kind of makes me uncomfortable.” Cas had somewhat recovered his composure. “So why ask me if I was married or had kids?”

“Because I am polite. It would be the height of rudeness to just say hey let’s drink and not talk since I already read all about you.” She smirked at him now and popped up out of the seat. I’m getting more beer, and then we will play darts.

She left before he could offer up a protest. He pulled out his phone and looked at the time. Dean would be here in a little more than an hour. He would have to make some sort of effort if he were to extricate himself from M by then. He drank down more of his drink, but not all of it. He didn’t want to give M an excuse to get him a second.

She returned to the booth, beer in hand. “So, miss me?” She was so comfortable in this wretched place, that Cas had to laugh a little. 

“I don’t get you. How can you be comfortable here. I mean, I can honestly say that I would never have come through that door if you hadn’t dragged me, and yet here you are acting like this is your second home. Are you always like this?”

“Always.”

“Well, it seems like a lot of work to be that comfortable all of the time, everywhere.”

“Are you uncomfortable?”

“I am, pretty much, always a little on edge.” Cas admitted with a slight shrug.

“Well, I just find that it is all a little easier when you just stop caring so much about what other people think. People are all selfish dicks anyways, so just have fun and be yourself.”

“So, you think that all people are selfish dicks and that is why you are so easy going?” Cas shook his head as if trying to wrap his mind around it all.

“Yep, selfish dicks, the whole lot of them.” Cas pondered this for a minute before he realized that she had likely just tossed him into the pile of selfish dicks and he found that mildly irritating. His face must have provided a tell because she spoke up then, “Of course, now you are wondering, why I think that you are a selfish dick. Now here is the best part, Cas, my buddy. I am an expert at reading people. I can just absolutely tell what they want me to say, and then it is my job to kind of give them what they want. So, I’m looking at you and all I’m seeing is this guy that wants me to say Oh, don’t worry, you’re different. So let me get this out of the way. Everyone is a selfish dick, but you Cas, who I only just met. You are likely the one exception.” She smiled her most toothy smile of the morning and cocked her head to the side placing her hands up to her cheek in mock sincerity. 

And there was his opening. “Well, this selfish dick will likely need to cut this meeting short. I have a lunch meeting scheduled for 12:30.”

“Oh, is it business or pleasure?”

Cas wasn’t sure how to answer because he really didn’t see it as any of her business, but he erred on the side of honesty. “Pleasure.”

“Well, great. I’ll join you. One shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach.” She bounced up out of the booth then and headed for the door. “Well, are you going to sit there all day?”

Cas threw a couple of bucks onto the table and, with resignation, followed her out the door.


	27. That's What Friends Are For

Dean had been waiting in the lobby when he arrived with M in tow. She was exuberant in her constant chatter all the way back to the office. Cas was trying to find a way to rid himself of her, but was finding the situation to be difficult. “I don’t imagine that you will find much enjoyable about Carmine’s Cafe. It is just a busy little Italian place, but that is where we had planned to go.”

“Perfect, that sounds like my kind of place. None of this chi-chi, fancy crap. Give me a quaint little mom and pop joint any day.” 

They had reached the office then and he could see Dean seated at the long couch in the waiting area just outside of his office. M was flowing along at his side like she was hearing music in her head. He looked to her and had to smile a little. He may have been annoyed with her intrusion, but he found her energy to be a little infectious. He looked back to Dean just as he was turning back in his seat. The sight of his face gave Cas new resolve. “You know, I’m not picky, but Carmine’s did have that rat issue not too long ago. I only bring it up because, well, full disclosure. I shouldn’t mention it, I mean, they totally took care of it and all. They likely wouldn’t be open if it was still an issue.” Cas tried to maintain an air of casual sharing in his voice. Good job, Cas. If this doesn’t work, just grab Dean’s hand and run like Hell.

M cocked her head to the side, grabbed Cas’ arm and said to his face, “Hey, I swear if I didn’t know any better that you were trying to get rid of me.” Cas donned a look of shock that was not so convincing. “Really, Cas. I thought that we were becoming friends. And here I took you to that nice bar and bought you drinks.” She smirked at him.

Cas had to laugh then and continued their walk over to Dean who was standing now. “I am not trying to get rid of you. And, for the record, I bought my own drink, singular, and there was nothing nice about that bar.”

Dean was standing before them now and said, “What bar would that be?”

“Why hello, there.” M turned her full attention to Dean. “Cas and I may have started without you. We need food now to go with our alcohol.” She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial tone, as if their activities should not be discussed in the office, which was probably apt.

“Really.” Dean looked a little amused. Something else was in his look, but Cas couldn’t decipher it. “So, I guess that it will be a table for three then. Should I go get Sammy and make it an even number?”

“At this point, why not.” Cas said. His look just barely concealed his disappointment at having their lunch hijacked. Dean smiled at him and then headed toward Sam’s office. Cas watched him go with barely concealed admiration. God, I love to watch him go. His glance trailed after him the whole way. He could almost forget the woman at his side.

“UmmHuh,” M grunted out with an elbow to the side. “You got it bad.” She smirked again.

He looked down at her then and did not try to conceal his smile. “Not sure, that I know what you mean.”

“Yeah, right.” She wrinkled her nose a little in a way that was kind of endearing. “You are totally, totally giving his backside the stare down.”

Cas glanced back to see if Dean was returning yet and saw him emerge from Sam’s office with his brother in his wake. “Might as well admire the scenery.” 

M was looking past Dean to Sam. “So, that’s Sam Winchester?” Cas nodded. “We had a dossier on him too. I had thought that you might be working with him at some point.”

“Hmm, did you learn about all of his significant others and such too?” Cas asked as Sam and Dean drew up to them.

“Not so much.” She looked at the brothers then and asked, “So, are we ready, ‘cause I am starving? Plus, I hear that Carmine’s had this big ole rat problem so, we might need to get there quick before the health inspectors close them down.” She turned then and headed for the elevator.

“Well, okay then.” Sam followed her while Dean and Cas took up the back of the group.

“Um, rats?” Dean lowered his voice and asked Cas.

“No rats. I was just failing at getting rid of our companion.” Dean chuckled a little and placed a hand on Cas’ back then as they reached the elevator. “When do you have to head back?” 

“I got a generous two hours,” Dean replied. “I thought that it might be nice to not rush out of here this time.” He threw a sidelong glance at Cas as they stepped into the elevator. Cas caught in the look what wasn’t being said and had to look away in order to hide the color seeping into his cheeks.

Sam seemed to notice and shuffled awkwardly in the back of the elevator next to M. “So, you work for Mr. Crowley?” Sam asked seemingly to jump start a conversation.

“Yep, you’re a quick one aren’t you?” She laughed a little at him.

Sam seemed to grow more awkward, so Cas offered up introductions, “Sam this is M. She is always this pleasant. Enjoy. Dean meet M.” He directed each of the brothers to M and took a step back so that everyone could shake hands if they chose to do so.

Instead of a series of handshakes though, M just did a little salute. “How nice, Cas. I didn’t know that you found me pleasant.”

Dean had to laugh at the way that the two of them were interacting. “So, you two already hit the bars?”

Sam looked at Cas with something like shock. “What, Cas? Seriously, you never do that sort of thing.”

“What are you talking about? Cas was all like, M you must let me do this incredibly boring work at a bar, any bar. I need to drink all of the alcohols.” She was trying to mimic Cas’ voice and she was failing at it spectacularly when the elevator reached its stop and they poured out.

Sam and Dean were both cracking up at this point and Cas found it infectious. “Yes, I did demand all of the alcohols. I may have drank a liquor store.”

“So, we take you out to karaoke and now you are a miserable drunk. What a difference a week makes.” Sam threw an arm up onto Cas’ shoulder in a companionable way smiled and then withdrew to walk on his own. 

Dean fell into step beside Cas, his arm brushing his with each step. Carmine’s was just a couple of blocks away. It was a nice, very small restaurant. Cas had chosen it for the intimacy that the small dining room afforded. Plus, he thought that Dean would like the food. It wasn’t too fancy and it all felt like it was made with love by an overly affectionate Italian grandmother. There was always cheese and meat, and it was all delivered to the table in abundance.

They were given a table immediately, and before M had even opened her menu, she began speaking to the waiter in Italian. He replied back with enthusiasm. All that Cas picked up was that she had ordered a bottle of wine for the table, a red. “Really, M, now you are just showing off.”

“Hey, I don’t get nearly enough opportunities to keep up on my language skills. Plus, I don’t think that you are going to be sent anywhere exciting, so I need to practice where I can.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

“I am Cas’ liaison. Of, course I do mean that in the least sexual way possible. Don’t get that worried look, lover boy.” Dean rolled his lip into a semi-irritated smirk. “I get to act as a go-between with my boss and Cas. So we will be practically joined at the hip for the foreseeable future.” M lifted her menu then and seemed to be perusing the items.

“So, what do you recommend, Cas?” Dean asked after a cursory glance at the menu.

“I like the calzone. It is sort of like I am getting a pizza that is a pie all in one happy little package.” Cas smiled over at Dean.

“I am so getting that.” Dean smiled back.

Sam was grinning behind his menu where Dean couldn’t see him, but Cas could see everything. He sent a swift kick at Sam’s calf on Dean’s behalf and then smiled innocently. “Oops, my foot slipped.”

“Sure it did, oaf.” Sam laughed at him.

“What are you two going on about?” Dean asked.

“Oh, nothing. Did you ask Cas about his weekend plans?” Sam smirked.

“Oh, um, did you have weekend plans?” Dean turned to Cas now.

“No. Why?” Cas replied.

“I was thinking that I could bring the trailer out to tow the Triumph up to Bobby’s. If you were free, that is...” Dean seemed to blush a little with the awkwardness of sharing this in front of his brother and a virtual stranger.

“Ah, isn’t that like all kinds of cuteness?” M quipped. Then she leaned over and pretended to vomit down the side of the table. “God, when did I fall into a chick-flick? I am going to need most of the wine, so don’t you all get too greedy with it.” She reached over and plucked up the bottle and gave herself a generous pour into one of the tall glasses that were in front of each of them.

“Hey, save a tormented brother. I need some of that too.” Sam held out his glass then, and M smiled back at him, pouring a generous amount for him too. Dean and Cas both glared at them.

“Next time, I am driving to your town for lunch.” Cas leaned over and snatched the wine bottle and poured some in his glass and Dean’s.

“Good plan. Will there be less Sam and M?” Dean smirked over at them.

M laughed a little too loudly. “Hey Sam, if you went by S instead of Sam, then Dean could have asked if there would be less S and M. That would have been funny huh?” Cas had to wonder if she was maybe starting to feel the effects of the alcohol, because she was enjoying herself way too much. However, Sam laughed at her too. Perhaps they are both just very odd people. He looked over to Dean in solidarity and tried to promise with that look that this would not happen again.

“So, you up for the trek out to Bobby’s this weekend?” Dean tried again.

“Yes. Let’s just talk about it later.” Cas threw out.

Dean gave Cas a nearly imperceptible nod then and the waiter came over to take their orders.

\---

The meal had been enjoyable, though, despite the good natured ribbing that they received from Sam and M. The four of them seemed to fall into an easy camaraderie that is usually born out of time. Even Dean seemed to grow more comfortable with M, despite the fact that most of her jibes were directed at him. They walked back to the office, full of energy sapping food and warming wine. Cas felt like he needed a nap, and vowed out loud that he would go back to his salad ways.

Dean laughed at him and said, “I don’t think that salad constitutes a meal.”

“Don’t listen to my brother, Cas. He doesn’t understand the point of vegetables.” 

Dean sent a light punch over to Sam’s shoulder. “Untrue, onions are great on a burger, and ketchup counts as a vegetable twice because you dip fries in it.” He grinned with his pronouncement.

“Tomatoes are considered a fruit.” Cas offered up.

“Hey, you mean I’ve been getting fruits and vegetables? I am a regular health nut now, Sammy.”

“Yep, Dean, you should write a book. I imagine that the world would like to know how they can get high cholesterol and early on-set diabetes.” Sam’s remark earned him a little shove from Dean.

M seemed to be taking it all in with pleasure. She looked back at Cas then and smiled. “Are they always like this?” Cas moved from Dean’s side to walk alongside her.

“It would seem.” He could see the entryway to their office now and he wondered if he would have to say goodbye to Dean on the street or if he would come up. He also wondered if their companions would give them even the slightest bit of privacy. Doubtful.

“Almost makes me wish I had a sibling. They seem to provide a great deal of entertainment.” M was surprisingly steady, given the amount of alcohol that she had consumed. Cas had wondered if they were going to have to get a cab for the couple block return. She had waved off his suggestion with a comment on how hard it was to be out with so many lightweights.

Cas glanced over at her as they walked and saw a touch of seriousness in her expression where she had been all jovial before. “You okay, M?” He lowered his voice so that the words went to her alone.

“Hmm. I’m fine.” She tucked an arm into his and Cas felt her lean a little into him. 

Perhaps we should have called a cab. “We are almost there.” 

“It isn’t what you think. I just…” She stopped speaking then, but continued walking. Cas did not pry. He divided his attention between her and Dean’s and Sam’s silly banter. They seemed to be arguing about some recent movie that they watched together. Cas tuned them out and gave more focus to M. She began again. “I think that I have been cut off for too long. I haven’t been around real people in a while. At least I have Lil. That is the only real person I know.”

“Who is Lil?” Cas asked while still keeping his voice low.

“She’s my daughter.” M began removing her arm from his, but Cas brought his other hand over to rest on hers.

“How old is she?” 

M didn’t answer right away. They continued walking along. Finally she said, “She’s four.”

“That’s a nice age.” Cas speculated. He had some nieces and nephews that he did not see much of, but he recalled that the younger ones were more enjoyable.

“All of her ages are nice. I got lucky. She is a great kid. She puts up with me, thinks I hung the moon.” She smirked at that.

“I think that is what kids are supposed to think.” They were just about at the office building now, and a decision would have to be made about where they would all part ways. “So, are you coming back up, Dean?” Cas turned to Dean.

“Um, nah, I think that I’ll just head out from here.” Dean reached over to his brother and gave him a wicked slap on the back. “See ya next weekend. Tell Jess to make me some of that pie.”

“Geesh, neanderthal. Why don’t you just give her a call and see how far your demands get you.”

“No, way. That is why I have you around. You smooth over my coarse ways.”

“Shit, I need someone to do that for me. Are you available for hire, Sammy?” M threw him a wry grin as she asked.

“I am not sure that I have the time. Dean is a full time job.” They all laughed at this. Everyone was lingering just a little too long as if waiting for someone to break from the group first.

“So, where did you park?” Cas asked.

“Oh, over at the garage on 4th.” Dean began a sort of shuffle move away from the group. ‘It was nice meeting you M. Maybe next time we’ll learn the rest of the letters in your name.”

Dean moved away from them then, and Cas felt like he was getting neglected. Seriously, I would even take a Sam-level back slap. Come on. Sam seemed to notice and offered his version of help.

“So, Cas, should I have M show me some of the files while you walk with Dean to the garage? He gets kind of lost sometimes and frankly, I don’t want to have to replace him after all of the effort that I have put into him.”

“Rude. I don’t get…” Dean seemed to buy a clue then and amended, “Well, you don’t need to be telling people how inept I am.” He smiled at Cas then and said, “Only if you can spare a couple of minutes. If not, I totally understand.”

“Of course. Anything for the directionally challenged.” He looked over at M and said, “I’ll be up in just a second. I leave you in good hands.” Cas and Dean headed off before anyone, M, could offer up a protest or quip.

As they got out of earshot of the others Dean said, “That was certainly an experience.”

“That’s one way of putting it.” Cas eased over closer to Dean as they walked and he wondered if Dean would be comfortable with some minor hand holding as they walked. He decided against it.

“So, when should I come get you on Friday?” Dean glanced at Cas as he slowed his pace. They had been walking a little quickly, trying to put distance between themselves and their lunch time companions. Now that they were out of sight, Dean and Cas could slow down.

“I am not sure what Friday will look like yet. M will likely have me booked up with her for the better part of the week. I am almost certain that she will want to meet on Friday.”

“Hmm, tell me that we are not going out to dinner with her on Friday.” Dean groaned. “I can actually see it all playing out right now. I’ll show up to pick you up and M will be like, we need to all hang out and get food. Suddenly, we will be entertaining every blessed person that we know.”

“What, you don’t like my friends?” Cas said with mock seriousness.

“Your friends are great. I had different plans for today.” Dean and Cas rounded a corner and made their way into the 4th St. Garage. “Just so you know, Bobby has already set-up Sam’s room for you.”

“Sam’s room?” Cas wondered what this detail meant, then he realized. “Oh, I see.”

“I just didn’t want you to think that it could be like it was at your place.”

“I’ll have to keep myself in check then, I take it.”

“Me too.”

“I’m sure that won’t be too difficult,” Cas said as he donned a slightly mopey tone.

“Oh, shut-up.” Dean reached out and shoved his shoulder.

“Ow, what was that for?” Cas wrinkled his brow at him.

“Seriously, I totally drove all the way out here on Monday for literally two minutes of your time. I think that I was maybe wrong about your level of confidence.” They reached Dean’s car and Cas felt Dean’s hand slip into his.

“So, what does your uncle know about me?”

“He knows that you work with Sam, and that you are the guy that saved him from being hurt by that lunatic. He knows that I was at your house working on the Triumph. He doesn’t know that I think about you.”

“Is thinking about someone a problem?”

“I didn’t elaborate on what I think about you.” Dean dipped his head quickly and stole a kiss. It was quick and almost chaste. He backed up from Cas quickly as if he worried about the possibility of being viewed.

“Is your uncle kind of like your dad? Does he have issues with you dating a guy?” Cas wondered aloud.

“He is nothing like my dad. He really loves Sam and me. I mean, we practically lived with him growing up. I just don’t think that he would be comfortable with me bringing home a date.”

“Any date or just a date like me?”

“Maybe any date. Not sure though, since I never have. I tried to keep my family and my other stuff separate. It’s cleaner that way.”

“Is that what is happening now?” Cas felt unhappy with the idea that he was being marginalized or compartmentalized into a place that was disconnected from Dean’s family. 

“It doesn’t have to be such a big deal, Cas. I am just not ready to bring Bobby into this.” He released Cas’ hand then, stepping back as he waved a hand out toward Cas to indicate just what this meant.

Cas looked away from Dean when he spoke. “Hmm. I guess I did say that I could be patient.” He had been leaning back against Dean’s car. He pressed his palms against the side of it and pushed himself off. “Well, I’m heading back.” He started to leave when he felt Dean grab him and spin him around to face him.

“I’m sorry.” Dean pulled him into him and crushed a kiss fully onto his mouth. Cas barely had a chance to register what was happening before he was enveloped in the warmth of Dean’s body pulling him in with arms wrapping around his back. When he stopped kissing him, Cas opened his eyes and saw Dean’s eyes staring down at him with something like worry. “Are you still mad?”

“I wasn’t mad. You were.” Cas’ voice was practically a whisper.

“I’m really sorry.” Dean continued to stare down at him. “I won’t be ready to share stuff with Bobby, though. Can you be okay with that for right now?”

“I can try, but I am not comfortable with lying like that.” Cas stepped away from Dean then.

“Is it really lying? I mean, we just aren’t parading around for him. We’re not really lying.” Dean offered.

“No, it is lying. It is lying about who we are and what we are to each other. It is pretending to be something that you are not. So, I am okay with this temporary equivocation, but I will not be comfortable with it for the long haul. If your uncle cares about you, he’ll accept this part of you.”

“Maybe.”

“I do have to get back. God only knows what M is doing to my office. Sam can only be expected to do so much.” Cas reached out and squeezed Dean’s hand. “Just think about this. It’s so much easier when you can just be yourself.”

“I think that you have had more time to adjust to this. But, I’ll try to work on this. I really will.” Dean squeezed his hand back before releasing him.

Cas began walking away. “I’ll see you on Friday.” He threw Dean a wink to lighten the mood.

“Cute, Cas. I’ll see you.” Dean turned and got into his car. Cas made his way out of the garage with his thoughts roiling about in his mind.


	28. Hard Day's Night

Cas came back to the office ready to work. He needed a distraction from all that his brain was processing. On the one hand he was exceedingly happy that Dean wanted to spend yet another weekend with him. On the other hand, he was exceedingly uncomfortable with the idea that he had to tamp down his growing affection for Dean because this Bobby character might be uncomfortable.

Truth be told, part of him wanted to get out of this weekend now. He didn't want to spend a single chaste night sleeping alone in Sam's childhood bedroom. It went against all that he wanted and he didn't know if he could be so close to Dean without being so close to Dean.

When he came back into his office he had found Sam at his conference table while M was stretched out on the couch. "You two acceptably bonded now?" Cas asked as he hung his coat on the door.

"Yep, Sam and I are two peas in a pod now. How 'bout you and Dean-o. Did you make with the sucky face?" M tipped her head over the arm of the couch to stare at him.

"M, I can't wait for you to meet Gabe." Cas joined Sam at the table. "So, Sam, does this all look like something that you want in on?"

"What, Cas, you already bringing in the cavalry?" M sat up a bit. "Guess I am going to have to start reading that dossier on Sammy here."

"I think that I could offer up some help on this." He pushed over some files in a red folder. Cas had not gotten to those yet.

"What are those?" Cas flipped open the cover and peered down at the unusual papers inside. they were unusual because the color was an odd, sickly greenish hue, and they had a texture that made them hard to read.

"This is the data on the vaccines. It is the details of the human trials all broken down." Sam spread them out a little.

"How long can we keep these for?" Cas asked over to M.

"You can't. You can only use them when I am here. They come and go with me. They are even on that special paper there so that you can't copy them, photograph them or anything. You'll run across a few things in there that we use the security paper for."

"It's a lot to read. You planning on spending a fair amount of time here?" Cas asked.

"Seems so." M huffed out. "I don't see why those stacks are so important to you. You really only need to establish that the FDA gave us more permission to move forward than they didn't. Plus, don't forget, you aren't that important."

"Yeah, you already said that, M. We still plan to do our job,." Cas said as he swept some of the files closer to him.

They fell into silence again as they each read through the folders that were spread out in front of them. M didn't really read them, so much as she just sort of shuffled them around and occasionally got up to walk to the window then back. Time passed leisurely that afternoon, and none of them seemed to notice when the evening light had passed into full night.

"What's the Alpha Strain?" Sam broke through the silence.

"Hmm?" M shook her head seeming to give her attention to Sam, "What was that?"

"The Alpha Strain. What is it?" Sam repeated.

"Where did you see that?" She got up then and loomed over the table.  
Sam pointed down at a passage on the document that he had been reading. "Here."

"That won't pertain to the case." She began scooping up the documents, even the ones that were in Cas' hands. "I gotta get going boys. You gotta take me out on more than one date before I'll stay the whole night with you." She laughed at her own joke, while Cas and Sam slowly stood up from the table.

"'Till tomorrow then?" Cas asked as he walked her to the door.

"Yeah. I'll check with R and see if she wants to meet with wonderboy there." She slipped out the door and briskly walked to the elevator. Cas returned to the room and thought about debriefing with Sam, but he worried that he didn't have the energy left to process anymore.

Sam didn't try to talk about the research though. Instead, he plunked down on the couch. Cas joined him. "So, did things go alright with Dean? I haven't really gotten to talk with you much about things since Ezra's party. Things seemed good at lunch, though, so I guess things are okay."

"Really, Sam? As if you haven't already grilled Dean and failed to learn a thing. You are just trying to find another avenue for information." Cas threw a tired smile over at him.

"Okay, you got me. I swear though, it is like pulling teeth getting him to talk. Well, I'm sure you've already noticed." Sam leaned back into the couch, stretching out his long legs in front of him.

"Funny, I have had the opposite experience. He has shared quite a bit given our very brief acquaintance. It has been nice getting to know him." Cas was determined to not share too much. He was fairly certain that this would be viewed as a breach of trust with Dean.

"Well, I am glad that you two worked out the little differences that you were having at the party. I felt pretty bad about that." Sam cocked his head a little to take in Cas' reaction.

"Hmm, I am glad that you feel better."

"So, would it be safe for me to assume that you and my brother are dating?"

"What did Dean say when you asked him?" Cas had to assume that this conversation had occurred with Dean already and that Sam did not get any details. He did want to know what Dean had said though.

"Umm, he may have told me to shut-up." Sam shifted in his seat a little. "So, are you two dating?"

"Shut-up." Cas gave Sam a mischievous grin. "You aren't getting anything out of me."  
"Seriously, there should be a compromise here."

"Well, maybe we can do an information swap. What do you say?" Cas pulled his legs up underneath him on the couch and turned to face Sam.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, if you answer me a Dean question, I'll answer you a Dean question. Sound fair?" Cas masked his face in a way that seemed completely trustworthy.

"Okay, who goes first?" Sam asked.

"I do. I want to know about how Dean got shot." Cas didn't even have to think about his question. This little Dean tidbit had been worrying away in his mind since he first saw the scar.

"Hmm, how did you find out about that? I can't imagine that he shared that with you. Did you somehow end up in a situation where the scar was visible?" Sam smirked over at him.

"Just answer the question." Cas felt his cheeks warm with embarrassment as Sam stared over at him.

Sam laughed at him. "You are so easy to read." He pressed his palms together then and rested them in front of his knees. "Well, he was working…" Sam paused as if considering the path that he needed to go down. "He was attempting to gain information, and it went wrong."

"What kind of information?" Cas interrupted.

"You don't get to ask follow-up questions," Sam said.

"Well, you aren't really telling me anything particularly new."

"Let's just say that Dean use to be a bit more reckless. He has gotten better. He tries not to die now. I think that he use to be pretty miserable. What with mom dying and with dad being dad, Dean seemed to feel like everything that mattered to him could just get snatched away at any moment." Sam shifted a little and looked up at Cas. "I think that it would be hard to live in a world where the people you love get taken from you and nothing is ever done about it. It's why he doesn't date or show much interest in people. I think that he is really afraid that they will get taken from him too."

"What do you mean when you say, 'nothing is ever done about it?'" Cas felt like Sam was hiding something. "I thought that your mom died in a house fire."

"She did. The cause, though, is another issue. It is my turn to ask a question now, since you have asked several."

"You didn't really tell me much, and you ended on a cliff-hanger. Kind of unfair." However, Cas waited for the question and wondered how hard it would be to avoid answering.

"So, did Dean sleep in your bed this weekend? A simple yes or no will be sufficient. I don't need details." Sam practically laughed at Cas' expression.

"Um, Dean did not sleep in my bed." Cas answered with complete honesty. After all Dean did not actually sleep in Cas' bed. There were plenty of other activities there, but sleep was not one of them.

"Hmm, I have underestimated you. So, when I said sleep, I didn't mean sleep, you know." Sam scrutinized Cas' face for a tell.

"I stand by my answer. Besides, I don't think that you get a follow-up question."

"You don't play fair. Do you want to know what he said about you the other night?"

"Tell." Cas was definitely intrigued.

"You first. Answer my question."

"I did."

"No, you evaded. Now spill."

Cas really wanted to know what Dean said about him. It was a primal desire. So he answered, sort of, "I kissed him. It was amazing."

"Well, now, that wasn't so hard was it? Did he go along with this kissing or was it one-sided?"

"Definitely reciprocal." Cas felt relieved and also as though he had completely betrayed Dean. He couldn't dwell on that though. He wanted to know what Dean had said. "Now, tell."

"Mind you, I had to pester and prod to get any information out of him. Mostly he just avoided me, but eventually I wore him down."

"Come on, Sam. Just tell me." Cas was starting to feel like Sam was just dragging him through some twisted tale for his own amusement.

"Geesh, impatient much? I asked him whether or not he was going to see you again and he said 'sure'. I asked him if he liked you and he said 'sure'. I asked him if he found you attractive and he nearly stormed out of the room."

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" Cas asked.

"Just wait. When I left the room, Jess asked him what he thought of you, and got a different answer. I guess that I wore him down."

"For the love of God, Sam, what did he say?" Cas was growing more exasperated by the second.

"He said that if he could only look at one thing for the rest of his life, he hoped that it would be you. To Jess' credit, she did not tell him just how sappy he sounded. I would have. Maybe that is why he didn't share with me. Anyway, I think that he might be a little interested in you, Cas. Just saying." Sam was grinning like a fool and Cas couldn't help but feel an equal smile spread across his face.

Cas rose from his seat. "I am going to head home now. I don't think that I can handle any more of this information sharing." Cas wished that he knew where Dean lived. He wanted to drive out there.

"Well, I guess that we'll talk more later." Sam rose from his seat now too.

"I need a full night's sleep to process even half of what you have told me." Cas pointed at the door and Sam moved toward it.

The two of them headed out into the dark office, the glow of lights in the elevator lobby beckoning them. Sam said, "I have some stuff to gather from my office. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Sam." With that Cas walked off toward the elevator and Sam made his way to his own office through the dark.


	29. All I Have to Do

The bed was warm and so was the hand on his bare chest. He lay there languidly breathing in the comfort of the moment. The morning sun trickling in through the blinds. He looked over to the other pillow at the golden hair and sleeping features just inches from him. It had been a long time since he had felt so comfortable. It was something that he almost forgot. He reached up a hand to cover the one on his chest, careful not to disturb his sleep.

He breathed in and out the earthy scent of the body next to his. It reminded him of coffee. Maybe everything Cas cared about was just a few degrees of separation from his favorite beverage. He stared at the face finally willing it to wake up. He moved just a little so that he was on his side. The hand slid off of his chest in a dead thump. Cas moved closer to the face and noticed that there was no movement. His eyes fell on the chest and saw just how still it was. Then he looked to the place where the white scar was on his chest and saw the blood that began forming there. It was pumping out now. Faster, and faster it flowed from him.

The redness of it pooling and then pouring down onto the white sheets. Cas threw himself off of the bed then and looked down at the man. His face looked like Dean, but this could not be Dean. Who could have done this? He grabbed a pillow and pressed it to the wound. There was no sound in the room. The noise in his ears was a low wind like one would hear in a shell. He could feel the hammering of his heart as he pressed the pillow down with more force.   
The blood was seeping past though. How could there be so much blood?

Dean’s eyes opened then. “Don’t worry, Cas. It wasn’t fatal.” 

“God, don’t die. Just stay with me. I’m going to save you.” Cas looked around the room for his phone, but he was afraid to let go of the pillow. As he panned back he saw a man standing in the doorway. His eyes held a hint of gold from the light that streamed in from the windows. He looked like the man from the bar but not really. Only this time he was not talking with Dean, he was leaning against the door frame, clutching a gun.

Then something odd happened. His body shuddered and his face became softer. It became A with all of his menace. Then he shuddered again and was Salvatore. Then he shuddered a final time and was Crowley. And it was then that he advanced on Cas and raised his weapon. Then out of his mouth trickled the words, “I thought that he looked familiar.” Cas noticed then that the gun was not aimed at him, but just over his shoulder. He turned and saw Dean’s eyes wide open now.

“It’s not really lying, Cas.” Dean whispered. His eyes were pleading for understanding.

Then Crowley’s voice broke through again, “Yeah, sure, and sometimes when you really want something, you lie. That’s just what humans do. Frankly though, I have had enough of your lying.” Then he unloaded his weapon into Dean.

The crashing sound of the shots jolted Cas out of his sleep. His dark room was hot. He felt the suffocating weight of his comforter wrapped around him. He kicked it off and was marginally relieved as cooler air rushed over his sweat soaked body. He reached his arms out to his sides and gripped the sheets as his body shook a little. He hadn’t had a nightmare like this in some time, not since Charles’ accident.

He decided to get up then and stretch out his legs. He walked out into the living room. His phone was sitting on the charger, on his counter. The little blue light was flashing in the dark. He turned it on and saw the message icon.   
I miss you.  
Why can’t you be awake right now?

Cas looked at the timestamp on each and saw that they had been sent just an hour ago. It was 3:00am now.  
I’m awake. I miss you too.

He waited and felt each breath make its trek through his lungs. He knew that it had been a dream, but the mind craves reassurance.   
I can’t sleep. Wish you were here.

I don’t even know where you live.

That’s weird, huh? I’ll show you when you come to Sam’s on Labor Day weekend.

Why not this weekend?

It won’t be convenient. We’ll be at Bobby’s.

I thought that you all lived close to each other.

Bobby is the farthest out.

Cas wondered if there was more to this. Is he trying to create distance? I wonder if he regrets this. He was trying to keep it together. It’s not a big deal. You’ve only known him for a little over a week. Almost two weeks, but really who is keeping track here?  
Are you okay?

Cas did not know how to answer. He was not okay. He was a big old ball of confusion and emotions. He was not sure how to compartmentalize all of this. It was chaos and confusion and Dean.  
Not really.

What’s wrong.

I had a stupid nightmare and now I can’t sleep.

The phone rang in his hand and he answered it. “Hello, Dean.”

“I just thought that calling might be more convenient.”

“We’ll have to keep it short. I have to try to get a few more hours in.”

“Me too. What was your nightmare about?” Dean paused as Cas thought about his response.

“I don’t know how to share it without it sounding odd or maybe creepy,” Cas said.

“Was it a sex dream?”

“What, no. How would that be creepy? Wait, don’t answer. I’ve seen Gabe’s porn, yeech.”

“Me too now. You have creepy friends. Just saying.” Dean chuckled a little. “So, not a sex dream then? What was it?”

“You were in my bed.”

“Well now, that sounds like…” But before Dean could finish, Cas interrupted him.

“You were shot. I was trying to stop the blood. There was so much blood.”

“I didn’t realize how much seeing my little battle scars would scare you. I assure you that I am not dead yet.” Dean thankfully gave Cas his thoughts with only a little humor in his tone. 

“The scariest part was that it was Crowley that did it, or maybe not. It was hard to tell. Now it is getting all muddled.” Cas felt a yawn coming on and his faced stretched out to welcome it.

“Sounds like someone is sleepy. Too bad it isn’t contagious.”

“You aren’t going to sleep yet?” Cas made his way to his bedroom again.

“Nah, I got a few hours in.”

“Could I ask you a weird left field question?”

“Sure, should I be nervous?” Dean sounded nervous.

“I don’t think so. Um, Gabe showed me this video.”

“Oh, God. Don’t tell me you want to do that . I don’t think that either of us is that flexible.”

“Uh, what are you talking about?”

“Uh, I don’t know, Uh, what are you talking about?”

“Clearly, not the same thing. He showed me a video of the night that we met. You were in the background and a man was talking to you. He was talking into your ear and you gave him something.”

“Really?”

“Yes, also, not really the response I was expecting.” Cas waited for more information.

“We have a lot to talk about this weekend, but not on the phone.”

“So, I have to wait?”

“Yes.” Dean was all business now.

“Should I be nervous?”

“No, I should be.” Dean did not elaborate. Instead he said, “I always manage to screw things up. Looks like I screwed things up before they even began.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just let me tell you when I see you this weekend.”

“Okay.” Cas let out a sigh and added, “I wish you were here.”

“Me too, Cas.” He paused then said, “Goodnight, Cas.”

“Goodnight, Dean.” Don’t leave me yet. Then he could hear the emptiness of the phone line as Dean hung up.


	30. Working Dawn to Not Five

Thursday morning was going to be rough. Cas was already making plans to leave early since he had stayed quite late the night before. His sleep last night was not enough. He ended up getting up at dawn and decided to go in early in order to further justify the early departure. He strolled through the empty building toward his office. He could see on the other side of the office the light that was coming from Sam’s office and also from Uriel’s. He opened his door and stepped in. The room was not empty. Sam was at his desk reading through the files that M had left behind. 

“Hey Sammy. What are you doing?” Cas looked at Sam with concern.

“Oh, hey Cas. I didn’t think that you would be in for a bit. I just wanted to get a jump on the reading.” Sam stood up then and wandered over to the other side of the desk.

“Hmm, did you learn anything important?” Cas took the spot that Sam had been sitting in behind his desk. Sam seemed to be making his way out the door.

“Nah, just a lot of the same old stuff. It was good to know what was in there though.” Sam was at the door now. “I’m going to head back to my office. I have R showing up later. She emailed last night to schedule.”

‘Okay, so I’ll get info. from you later then?” Cas tossed out as Sam was leaving. 

“Yeah, I’ll report out later.”

\---

M showed up a couple of hours later with a kid in tow. “Hey Cas. She walked in with a quick step. She plopped her large satchel on the couch and directed the child to have a seat. “This is Lil. Try not to swear too much. She doesn’t like to hear all that coarse language that I know you like to use.” 

“Well, hello to you too M.” Cas got up and walked over to the couch. He crouched down so that he was at eye level with Lil. ‘Hello, Lil. It is very nice to meet you.” He reached out a hand and she shook it with her small fingers gripping tight. She looked nothing like M at first glance. Her hair was golden blonde and she was pale in a way that was almost ethereal. “Will she be staying with us today?” He directed the question to M, but Lil answered.

“Mom said that the sitter is not coming back again so I have to come here with her.”

“It is hard to find good help. I’ll explain later. Or actually, I won’t. Boring. So, we might have to make today short. I did see that R was already over in Sam’s office. So you should have plenty to go over even if I don’t stay.

Cas looked back at Lil, “Would you like paper and pens for drawing? I have no good artwork in here. You could make me something.” 

She beamed at him and nodded. “Do you have scissors too?”

“I do.” He got up then and went to his desk. He rummaged around for a bit and came up with the necessary items. “Here you go.” He turned back to M and said, “Well, let’s get to it.”

\---

The time passed amicably that day, and despite all of Cas’ plans to leave early, he stayed. The child offered a layer of comfort to the day’s proceedings that he had not anticipated.

Occasionally he would look over at her and smile. Once he made a tiny ball of paper that he flicked over at her. When the paper landed on her, he quickly, and obviously, pretended to look up at the ceiling as if to say ‘Wasn’t me.’ She giggled at him when he did this. He smiled at her and kept on working until he felt a little pop of paper snap at his shoulder. When he looked over at her she was staring off at the ceiling like he had. M had viewed the whole thing with a pleased expression. “You ever want kids of your own, Cas?”

“Hadn’t really thought of it,” he said.

“Really?” She looked like she didn’t believe him.

“Well, it isn’t like it would be simple for me, for many reasons. I’ve been single for some time and I also don’t have much free time. Childrearing, as I’ve been told, takes a considerable amount of time if it is done correctly.’

“Hmm, true. Sometimes I think that the people best suited to parenthood over think it too much and sometimes miss their opportunity. I hope that you won’t be one of those people, Cas.” She slid over another folder for him to review. “Does Dean like children?” She asked casually.

“I don’t know. I think so. He practically raised Sam, from what I understand.” He got up and stretched out toward the ceiling. He walked over to the couch and plopped down in the seat next to Lil. “So, Lil, tell me something awesome about your mom.”

M looked back at her daughter and noticeably suppressed her concerned expression. Lil then said, “She’s a really good singer. She sings to me every night.”

“Oh, really? What does she sing?” He saw M get up now and start gathering the files. Clearly she was done with this little interaction.

“We always sing our songs. Even when she is taking her medicine, she sings to me. Says it makes it better.”

Cas looked over at M now. She was avoiding his gaze. “Come on Lil. Time to go.”

Lil handed Cas her artwork. “Here. For your wall.” He reached out and took it. It was a drawing of her mom at the table next to Cas. He could only tell that it was them because of the table and the color of the clothing.

“What is that?” He asked her as he pointed to a spot on his character’s stomach.

“Your belly button, silly.” She laughed at him.

“You can’t see my belly button.” He looked down at his tucked in white dress shirt, and pressed his hands to his stomach. He turned his expression into something kind of silly.

“So.” She looked at him like he was strange. “You still have a belly button.”

“Seriously, Cas, just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Now let my daughter and I go. We have entertained you enough this morning.” She smiled at him and directed Lil toward the door. As they were leaving, Lil left her mother’s side and came back over to Cas. She gave him a quick hug and then bounded out the door. And in that one moment he was smitten. Maybe he could imagine having a kid. It wouldn’t be so bad having someone that thought you hung the moon. He decided then, to go home while he could. It felt like a good way to end the day.


	31. Forget My Name

Cas sat at his desk on Friday morning sipping at the warm cup of coffee in his hands. Uriel sat across from him, a look of concern on his face. It had been about a week since they had really had much of a conversation. Each of them were in that early honeymoon phase with their new relationships and thus their regular meet ups had taken a back seat.

“Like I said, you need to talk to Sam. Something is stirring in his head, and I am not sure that it is a good thing.” Uriel folded his hands in front of him and leaned forward onto his knees a little.

“I’m not sure that I’m following."” Cas tipped his head back a little and took a longer gulp of the coffee..

“The work with Niveus is rattling him. He said a bunch of stuff about ethics and such. I think that he has stumbled upon something that he does not like. Just talk to him.” Uriel stood then and walked over to the window to stare out at the city below them. Cas joined him. “He was looking into other stuff too.”

Cas shuffled about beside Uriel. “What other stuff?”

“Not entirely sure. He asked some questions about the case with Ezra. He wanted to know who the jurors were.” Uriel shifted and looked at Cas then. “I told him that I couldn’t remember their names. I tend to purge useless information once it has finished being useful.”

“Hmm, me too.” Cas turned back to the window and remembered the look on the forewoman’s face as she read off the verdict. Crowley had been there too. What did you learn, Sam?

He would have asked more, except his intercom buzzed through. “M is here to see you.” His secretary’s voice chimed in. Cas walked over to the door and opened it to find M on the other side of the reception desk.

“Ready to get some reading on?” She smiled at him.

“Sure thing. Come on in. Where is mini-you?” Cas asked with a slight tone of disappointment.

“Now, Cas, I can’t be having playdates with you everyday. I am a professional.” She sent him a wry grin and strolled into his office. “Actually, I worked out a new daycare situation. She was disappointed that she wouldn’t get to come with me today. I think that you have a fan.” She tossed her satchel on the table and began pulling out files. “So, are you bringing in a warm body?” She looked over at Uriel who was still at the window.

“Hello, I am Uriel and I am leaving.” Uriel raised a hand to Cas’ back and said to Cas, “Let me know how it goes with Sam.” Uriel strolled out of the room leaving Cas and M alone.

“Something up with Sam?” M inquired.

“Nah, I just need to make sure that he isn’t getting too overworked. Uriel was concerned.” It wasn’t a complete fabrication. He certainly couldn’t answer with complete honesty, though. He decided to redirect then. “So, how long do I have you here today?”

“Long as you need, sugar. Why? You got big plans.” She gave him all of her syrupy personality in her toothy grin.

“I am thinking that I will likely be done with you by lunch.” He said with some humor.

She laughed at him. “I see how it is. Well, fair enough, it is Friday after all.” She handed him the first folder of papers to go over and added, “Then let’s get down to business.”

\---  
They decided to get lunch together before she left. He was starting to see her as a rather comfortable companion. True, she was mostly abrasive, but her abrasiveness had a touch of desperation underneath it. He supposed that he found that type of personality appealing. He had an innate desire to help fix people a little. He also thought that maybe she didn’t have many friends. She seemed to be a busy person. That didn’t seem to afford many opportunities for real connections. He wondered if she used the rough edges of her personality to keep the so-called selfish dicks at bay. Then there were the other questions that he had.

They had decided to revisit Carmine’s from the other day. M said that it would give her another chance to practice her language skills. They sat in the same seat and M immediately ordered wine and appetizers in her crisp Italian. When the waiter had poured them their glasses and departed Cas decided to get to know a little more about M. “So, you said that you aren’t married. What happened to Lil’s father?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” She looked irritated by the question. “Why do you want to know?”

“I was just asking. I didn’t realize that it would be a touchy subject.” Cas saw that she was still irritated so he tried to redirect her focus a little with a parent compliment. “Your daughter seems awesome, so I guess it seemed natural to wonder about the rest of her genepool.”

“Smooth move, Cas.” She looked at him, calmed for the moment. “Sorry. I just don’t talk about him. He doesn’t know about her and he never will. It was a real bad period.”

Cas waited for her to continue, recognizing that she likely wouldn’t. She brought her glass up to her lips again and took a slow sip of the wine. Cas was able to conceal his surprise when she continued, “I met him in college and we kept things going even after we left. He and I both started working for Niveus immediately after college. I was working long nights and so was he. I was just doing glorified data entry. He was doing actual research. He was putting in way more hours than I was. At the time I couldn’t figure out how he managed to keep going. Well, it didn’t take long for me to figure out that there was more going on. He had started popping to keep up. I didn’t figure it out until he was quite invested in his little addiction. I should have questioned it sooner. I just got too wrapped up in my own little world.”

“How did you find out?” Cas asked when she drifted into silence.

“One day it just clicked, ya know. I started looking into all of his stuff. Found all of his drugs and started flushing them. God, I must have flushed a couple of grand. He was so pissed when he got home. I didn’t anticipate that. We were not a fighting couple. We were too busy for that.”

She lapsed into another silence then and Cas asked, “What happened when he found out what you did?”

“Oh, I’m sure you can guess.” She looked away off at the dusty painting of a stone bridge that was hanging over the table behind them. “Broke my nose, smashed my face on the toilet bowl, left me unconscious.” 

“And this is Lil’s father?”

“Yep. He didn’t know I was pregnant. I didn’t know I was pregnant. Funny how things work out. I didn’t even put him on the birth certificate. He doesn’t get to have that.”

“Did you leave after the incident?”

‘Yes, I’m not a victim. I don’t put up with that kind of shit. I was a little upset with myself at first for leaving the house. It was mine first, so he should have gotten the boot. I didn’t worry about that at first though. Went to the hospital and got my nose all packed up with gauze. I even went to work the next day.”

“That must have been pretty.” Cas could only imagine the patchwork bruising that must have decorated her face along with the broken nose.

“Quite. I drew some stares let me tell you. It was how I met Lucky.” She looked at Cas now as if the shift in the story made things more comfortable again. “He saw me sitting in my office with these big ass sunglasses on. I knew who he was, and, God, did he intimidate me.”

“What happened next?” Cas couldn’t help but feel fascinated by the story.

“Well, he came right up to me and took my sunglasses off. He looked at my face and tipped my head side to side. Then he said, ‘now who would do this to such a pretty face?’”

Cas shifted about a little in his seat then, and she continued. “I hadn’t cried one bit about what happened, but as soon as he said that I started bawling like a giant baby. I think that it was the baby hormones mind you, because I do not do that sort of thing.”

“Cry?” Cas looked at her with doubt.

“Yes, you big ninny, cry. I don’t cry. But I did that day. He took me to his office and made me tell him what had happened. He asked me if I was done with the bastard, and I said yes. He told me that he would see to it that his stuff was removed from my house. He was true to his word. I never saw him again and his stuff was gone. Lucky checked in on me a lot after that. I think that I became a bit of a pet project to him. Wasn’t long before he had me in his little entourage of associates. He came to me one day and said, ‘M how ‘bout you start working with me on my special little projects now? Your talents are being wasted here. That was the first time that he called me M. I should have known then just how much he was planning to rewrite me.”

“What’s your real name, M?” Cas wondered aloud.

“Megan. My friends use to call me Meg though. Guess it was only a matter of time before it got shorted down to one letter. Soon maybe, I won’t even have that.” She tried to laugh, but it came out forced.

“Mind if I call you Megan then?” Cas offered.

“Better not. Lucky gave me this name, and I don’t need him hearing you changing it.”

“Well, just know that in my head, then, you are Megan.” Cas looked her in the eyes and hoped that she saw sincerity in him. No one should have to be so whittled away.

“Where did you come from, Cas? You are just not like anyone I have ever met.”

He laughed a quiet laugh. “I’m not that different.” 

She reached out a hand to his and gave it a pat before saying, “Yes, Cas, you really are.”

They dropped into a drawn out silence then that was not uncomfortable. The food came and they ate it. Cas drank his glass of wine and M drank hers. They seemed content.

They walked back to the office later and M said, “I’m going to have you over for dinner next week, okay?”

“Sounds good. Any particular day?” They were taking the scenic route back through the park and Cas could hear the distant sounds of kids shrieking in playtime bliss just over the hill. He smiled at their noises.

“Maybe Monday. I don’t know. Could we leave it up in the air until the weekend?” She smiled over at him. “Mind you, I am not a chef. I make a mean mac-n-cheese though. Only burned down the kitchen once.”

“Hmm, too late to back out?”

“Ha, yes. You already committed.” They turned the corner back to the office and made their way in. When they got back to the office, M gathered up her folders and left. “See ya around Cas.”

“Bye, M.” Megan.


	32. I Would Do Anything

The truck rumbled down the highway in a way that set Cas on edge. Even the slightest bump in the road made him fear that an essential component of the vehicle would come loose and that they would soon die. He never felt like this in a vehicle before. This truck seemed to be held together with grease and dreams.

“So, you comfortable?” Dean asked with more volume than would normally be necessary. 

“Oh, yeah, completely comfortable.” The sarcasm was dripping from his words, but he wasn’t sure if it carried past the rattling beast noises.

Apparently, Dean picked up on Cas’ tone though, because he laughed a hearty belly laugh that made Cas temporarily forget his discomfort. “Bobby, has no time for his own projects, so sadly, his truck is the worst thing on the lot.” Then as if he regretted his statement, he patted the dash and said, “Oh, sorry dude. I didn’t mean to insult you. Just get back to Bobby.”

Cas had to laugh at that. “So, now you are the Car Whisperer? If we were outside, I would be backing away slowly.”

“Good thing we’re not outside then. You’re stuck with me.” Cas liked the way that things were easy with Dean when they were alone. Maybe we can just not be around people for like ever. They hit a small pit in the road and the truck rattled Cas out of his thoughts.

Dean glanced at Cas and smiled. “You think this highway is bad, wait ‘till we hit Bobby’s road. I’ll do my best to avoid the potholes, but you might want to brace yourself now.”

“You didn’t warn me about this.” Cas had a hand on the seat in between them and his other hand gripped the handle in the door. He wasn’t truly worried about dying or anything, he just didn’t like the jarring nature of the car, the noise of it. It’s only twenty minutes.

“Would you like some music?” Dean reached under the seat before Cas could answer and pulled out a box of cassette tapes.

“Cassette tapes?” Cas looked down at the box, running his fingers over the little plastic cases. “I didn’t even think that these existed any more.”

“This is where old cassettes go to die, Cas. Dean Winchester’s home for wayward music.” Dean was still grinning, enjoying, it seemed, the drive and what little conversation they could have in the truck.

Cas pulled some out and read the covers. “Bat Out of Hell, Highway to Hell, Set the World Afire.” Cas looked up at Dean then. “You certainly have a theme here. It’s all fire and brimstone with you.”

“What, you want some sappy pop music? You’re gonna have to go find someone else to provide that sort of thing.” Dean reached down and randomly pulled out a tape. “Let me broaden your musical horizons, Cas.”

“I have broad musical horizons.” 

“Said the guy who sang ‘Dancing Queen’ probably without looking at the prompter.”

“Hey, you don’t know that. You weren’t even there then.” Cas laughed at him, secretly knowing that his words were accurate.

“I am so right.” So maybe Dean did know a little. Dean rather impressively opened up the cassette case with one hand and pulled out the cassette. He tossed the case aside and put the tape into the deck. 

The loudness of the car was nothing now compared to the blaringly loud guitar riffs and singing that erupted from the speakers. “Oh, God!” Cas yelped as the so-called music blasted through him. He picked up the case to investigate the selection, and to make sure that he never accidentally bought this album. The cover told him that he was listening to the ‘Blizzard of Ozz’. Well, we’re certainly not in Kansas anymore. He looked at the back of the case and read through the tracks. If he was hearing the lyrics right, which was not a certainty, they were not on the first song. So someone actually listened to half of this album.

Dean started singing along then, and despite his efforts, the song did not sound better. Cas was doing his best though to find the peace. He stared at Dean and wondered how he had managed to get into this situation. When did you become my kind of thing? Dean cast a side-long look back at him and smiled. “Good stuff, huh?”

“The best.” Cas’ sarcasm was not as present as it was before. In fact, he may have even been a little sincere, but he wasn’t thinking of the album or the the song when he answered.

“Yeah, the Ozzman is awesome. You know he has a song about Crowley. Well, not the one we met, but…”

“He just gets more interesting by the second.” Ozzy’s voice was still filling the truck cab and Dean’s vocals picked up again to join him. Cas found himself smiling again. He decided to thumb through the cassettes in order to pick out their next round of torture. He was looking for anything that wasn’t going to involve screaming or something sounding like instrument abuse. He eliminated several albums just on the cover art alone, despite their innocuous titles. Sorry, but if you put a bunch of goop on your cover and call your album ‘Load’ you are in the NO category. 

Cas finally settled on the Meatloaf album that he saw at the beginning. At least one of the songs is familiar. He waited for the song to end and then held up his selection for Dean’s approval. Dean turned down the volume, and they were greeted once again with the audible sounds of the truck rattling away.

“What, you don’t like Ozzy?”

“Looking for variety.”

“Okay. You didn’t even wait for ‘Crazy Train’ to come around. Everyone knows that one.”

“I can be patient if you want to wait for that one. I’m not exactly chomping at the bit for Meatloaf.”

“Yeah, I forgot, you are kind of a salad guy.” Dean laughed at his own little joke.

He grabbed the tape from Cas and ejected the other album. ‘Bat Out of Hell’ was inserted and before Dean turned up the volume, Cas asked, “You said that we had a lot to talk about this weekend.”

“I did.” Dean did not continue.

“And, you apparently want to wait?” Cas’ voice took an uptilt making his words into a question.

“It’s still Friday. I have one more day before it is technically a weekend. Plus, I am not sure how to share this. Also, I am not certain that I should share this. So, I need time to get my head around this. Be the patient guy that you keep claiming that you are.”

“Not sure if you noticed Dean, but I tend to only say I am patient. I tend to not practice patience.”

“I noticed. Also, not complaining either.” Dean cast a look over at Cas. Cas remembered the results the last time that he claimed that he could be patient and wait for Dean. All of this thinking made Cas long for closeness. He looked over at Dean past the empty space between them. Cas wanted to move to the middle seat. He undid the seatbelt and slid over to the new seat. He fastened the center seatbelt and pretended that nothing had just happened.

“So If I wake you up, bright and early tomorrow, you’ll tell me what you wanted to tell me?”

“Are you trying to manipulate me, Cas?” Dean smiled at Cas then and bumped his shoulder into him with affection.

“Is it working?” Cas bumped him back, then sat there enjoying the closeness.

Dean didn’t look at him when he responded, “Everything is working.”

“So, you feeling good enough to tell me your deep dark secrets now?” Cas bumped him in the shoulder again playfully.

“I don’t have deep dark secrets, just things that you need to know if you are going to be sticking around.”

“Why wouldn’t I? You sound like you actually think that I have plans to bale.” Cas looked at him then, trying to read his face.

“I can’t imagine what you get out of this. I just don’t see how this makes sense for you.” Dean chanced a glance at Cas and then quickly looked back at the road when their eyes met.

“Dean, I think that you just don’t see me. This is so good for me, you don’t even know. I just hope that it is good for you too.” Cas didn’t break his stare at Dean’s profile. He hoped to see a reaction to his words..

“It is almost too good. I am constantly overwhelmed.” Dean looked serious. “I can’t seem to keep my head straight.”

“That’s good. Straight guys aren’t usually attracted to me.” Cas said with mirth.

“Well, then.” Dean squirmed about a little.

Cas placed a hand on his leg then and stared straight ahead. “I’m glad that we get to spend time together this weekend. I was regretting it, with all of the stuff that we talked about at the garage, but I’m over that now. I’ll take what I can get. Even these little moments are enough.”

“Cas, you have to go back to your side of the car.”

“Why?” Cas looked at him with concern. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, you just need to go back, before we hit a tree or something. You are too distracting.” Dean gave him a pointed look, and Cas laughed at him.

“What if I don’t.” Cas took on a look of mischief.

“We will likely die. I hope that you had a good life.” Dean responded.

“I trust that you can handle this.” Cas continued to sit there with his hand on Dean’s leg until Dean reached down and gently moved it off.

“Better now?” Cas asked, lowering his voice a bit to take on the gravelly tone that he knew Dean admired.

“God, Cas.” Dean seemed to be trying to avoid looking at him. His arms were ramrod straight. 

Cas began again with his voice still lowered. “I would hate to think that you might have to pull over or something.”

“We are on the highway, Cas. You have to stop.”

Cas just smiled at him, and as he was about to open his mouth to speak again, Dean reached over to the stereo and cranked up the volume. “Ah, you are trying to drown me out.”

Cas was happy to hear that the song was ‘I Would Do Anything for Love” and that it had only just started. At least one could sing along with this one, and it wasn’t nightmare inducing. He began singing along and noticed out of the corner of his eye that Dean kept glancing over at him. He decided to just go for it and started belting out the lines as the chorus rose up. He rocked back and forth as he sang. He paused only long enough to shout over the music, “Come on, Dean. I know that you know the lyrics.” Then he started back up with new vigor.

“You are nuts.” Dean smiled, but he sang along. Dean sometimes stopped singing when the lines became too quiet. He kept sending furtive glances at Cas with each new pass through the chorus as if he suspected that Cas was singing the words to him. As the song passed into the silence at the end Dean reached out a hand then and rested it on Cas’ leg. “God, Cas. I wish that I were better with words.”

“What do you mean?” Cas reached up and turned down the volume. 

“I just don’t know how to say what I’m thinking half the time. It sucks. I feel all kinds of things and stuff, and then it all just gets mushed up into rambling piles of gibberish. Kind of like right now.” Dean turned on the signal and exited the highway. Cas wondered briefly if he was looking for a place to pull over. That did not seem to be the case though, as Dean was driving down a rather long empty road.

“Well, I’m not going anywhere, so if something comes to you, feel free to share. Or don’t, no pressure. You know how patient I am.” Dean laughed at him and Cas rested his hand on Dean’s. The road became a mess of potholes and Dean moved his hand back up to the steering wheel. Cas felt the same discomfort he felt at the beginning of the drive as the truck jarred and rattled through the potholes that Dean couldn’t avoid. Cas grabbed Dean’s leg, not out of affection, but out of nervousness.

“We’re almost there. You doing okay?” Dean looked over with a comforting smile.

“I’ll be fine.” Cas smiled back. Dean turned the music back up, but they did not sing along now. They just stared ahead at the open road stretching out ahead of them.


	33. If You Don't Know Me

Cas was never happier to reach a destination. Bobby’s house loomed up just past a sea of broken and discarded vehicles. The myriad piles of wrecked vessels lay in neat rows in varying degrees of rust and ruin. The late afternoon sunlight sparked off of the windows in a magical way. Bobby lumbered out onto the porch at the first sound of the truck pulling into the driveway. He was a gruff looking man with a filthy ball cap on. His clothes had seen better days too. It looked as though he had been wedged under a leaking oil pan. He had smudges and grime all over his overalls.

He raised a hand to his eyes as Dean shut off the car and hopped out. “Hey Bobby. I got your baby back safe and sound.”

Bobby walked over to his truck and said, “I sure hope you treated him the way he deserves. They don’t make these trucks like they use to.” He patted the side of the truck then.

“See, Cas, I’m not the only one that treats my vehicle with respect.” Dean turned to Bobby and said, “By the way, Bobby, this is Cas. Cas, this is Bobby.”

Cas walked up to Bobby and extended his hand. “Nice to meet you. I have heard a lot of high praise for you from Dean and Sam both.”

Bobby seemed to feel awkward with the praise. “Well, then, nice to meet you too.” He shook Cas’ hand and then directed them to the house. “Why don’t we get you boys settled. You can toss your bags inside. Then I want to see this bike Dean’s been going on about.”

Dean was already at the back of the truck grabbing his duffle out. He slung it over his shoulder and then reached back in for Cas’ small rolling suitcase. He hefted it out and set it on the ground at his feet. Cas stooped to retrieve it and said, “Maybe I overpacked. I probably didn’t need a suitcase.” He looked at the thick layer of dust that had settled over the whole thing and wondered how he was going to get it clean. 

Dean beckoned Cas up the steps of the porch. Cas walked through the creaky screen door and let it slam a little too loudly behind him. There was a large dog sprawled out on the floor that seemed in no danger of moving. Dean stepped over him and Cas followed. “That’s Cheney.” Bobby called back. “He’s part moose. Hope you don’t mind dogs.”

“Dogs are fine. Did you say his name was Cheney, like the former vice president?”

“Yep.” The house was a cluttered mess of books and items with no thematic connection. There were car parts and hunting paraphernalia. The place was likely not visited by delicate women as it screamed I have guns and a basement, run while you can. There was a piano though. Cas saw that it was covered in a fine layer of dust. A large empty vase sat on top of it. 

He walked over to it and gave it a gentle touch. “Do you play?” Cas asked as Bobby was about to start climbing the stairs.

“No. That belonged to my wife. Hasn’t been played since she died some years ago. I just keep it out of sentimentality.” Bobby started up the stairs. “Come on. This way to your suites.”

“Well, there’s one way to describe our rooms.” Dean laughed.

“I better not hear you complaining. The price is right and the company is five stars.” Bobby deadpanned back at Dean.

“You have a lot of books.” Cas said as he climbed the stairs behind Dean and Bobby. The books were even stacked up in little piles along the stairs. 

“Yeah, I read quite a bit. Don’t really clean up so well though.” Bobby let out a brief chuckle as they reached the top of the landing. Dean brushed past him and went down the hall. Bobby opened the first door and directed Cas in.

The room was small and had a sloping roof that turned into a straight wall just four feet before the floor. There was a wide window with a built in seat covered in crushed cushions that had seen better days. The wall on the left had a number of small recessed shelves that held books and trophies. A few pictures were also there staring out at him. 

Cas set his suitcase on the bed and smiled back at Bobby. "This is really nice, Bobby. Thanks for letting me stay here."

"Well, it ain't the Ritz, but I suppose it'll do. Ya got fresh sheets and the bathroom is right there. You and Dean will share that one. He has the room on the other side of it.” He pointed to the other door in the room on the left. "I'll be downstairs. Come on down once you're settled."

"Thanks." Bobby left and Cas walked over to the window to check out his weekend view. He could see the vast expanse of cars stretched out under the setting sun. In the distance was a small warehouse structure that he imagined was used as a repair shop. There were a couple of newer cars parked there.

He wandered over to the bookcase and looked over the books on the shelves. Teen boy adventure stories like the Hardy Boys were on one shelf. Higher up there were some old college textbooks covering everything from art to law. He ran his fingers along these as he took a few steps to the middle. 

There was a picture of Sam, Dean, and their father standing together in Bobby's yard. Dean’s face was young. He looked to be about 17, maybe 18. He was squinting a little at the sunlight that was full on his face. He and Sam framed their father. Sam was already a tower stretching out over them both. His hair an untidy mop about his face. He was facing Dean in the picture and grinning a cheshire cat grin. He looked so young too. He couldn’t be more than 14 or 15 Cas thought. Their father stood in the center smiling, but not in the same unreserved way as his boys. There was something else too. Cas noticed the uniform. The father, John was it, appeared to be dressed as an officer. Did Sam ever mention that his father was a police officer? He tried to remember back, but could not recall any conversations about it.

He made his way along the shelf to the wall and saw another picture. This one of just Dean and his father. This time though, Cas was shocked even more. Because not only was the father wearing the officer’s attire, so was Dean. They stood side by side in front of the Impala, serious expressions blanketing their faces. Why is Dean dressed like that? He turned from the picture and made his way down the hall to what he guessed was Dean’s room. He tapped a tentative knock and then opened the door.

Dean was sprawled out on the bed staring up at the ceiling. “Hey, Cas. The room working for you?”

“Yeah, I was looking at the pictures.” Cas paused for a second, looking for a response on Dean’s face. “You were a cop?”

“Not exactly.” Dean replied.

“What do you mean, not exactly?”

“Well, there is no were about it. I am a cop.” Dean sat up then and propelled himself off the bed. He walked over to the far wall that was a mirror image of the one in Sam’s room. the window seat had the same kind of crushed cushions on it. Dean sat there and stared out the window. “You understand that what I tell you here has to stay here, right?” He glanced over at Cas.

“Of course Dean.” He walked over to the seat and sat next to Dean.

‘Well, I didn’t lie about being a mechanic. I do that on the side. My uncle works me like a dog, so don’t think for one minute that I lied about that.” Dean looked into Cas’ eyes lending gravity to his words. Cas didn’t get why this was being shared so intensely.

“I didn’t think that you lied about that. I am a little shocked that you are a cop.” 

“Well, I was pretty worried about telling you since you have such clear feelings about what constitutes a lie. I kind of figured that having a whole other life would be a bit of a deal breaker for you.”

“How long have you been a cop?” Cas asked.

“‘Bout ten years now. I have been doing undercover work for a few years. That is why I don’t share much about my work. It really isn’t safe. So, I meant it when I said that this all has to stay here. There are only three, well now four, people that know about this. Bobby, Sam, Jess, and now you. You can’t talk about it with your friends or anyone else.”

“I think you have made your point. My lips are sealed.” Then Cas took on a mischievous look. “Wanna check?” He leaned forward then bringing his lips close to Dean, but he did not give them contact.

“I’ll take you at your word, Romeo.” Dean stood up then, leaving Cas on the window seat.

“So do you work here or in the city?” Cas asked.

“I work in the city. I never worked out here. The case that I am working on keeps me on the fringes of the city though. My parents worked with the local law enforcement.”

“Both of them?” Cas looked at Dean with surprise.

“Yeah, that is how they met. My mom was amazing. She taught my dad everything he knew.” Dean beamed with pride at the memories of his mom.

A cranky, gravely voice poured up the stairs in a good natured holler, “You boys gonna take all day settling in or what? I aint getting any younger down here.”

“Ah, enough story time, Cas. Let’s show the old man the bike.” Then he called down, “We’re coming ya old grouch, keep your panties on.”

They went downstairs and Cas tried to process all of the new information. He wasn’t sure if it changed anything. It did give him a moment’s pause though when he thought of Dean in that uniform. I do like the uniform.


	34. We Are Family

Later that night the three of them left the salvage yard to have dinner at Sam’s place. The drive was only going to be about 15 minutes but Cas felt his nerves already tense up at the thought of taking the truck. He was happy when he noticed that Bobby and Dean walked past the truck toward the warehouse at the far end of the property. Bobby was carrying a six-pack of beer and Dean was asking something about sand and paint removal. Bobby had been pleased with the bike, running his hand over it in a possessive way that made Cas smile a bit. 

The Impala was parked inside the warehouse off to the side. Dean pulled out his keys and twirled them around on his finger before popping open the door and hopping in. Cas opened the back door to get in and Bobby said over the hood at him, “Why don’t you sit up front? I don’t mind the back.” 

“I really don’t mind sitting back here, Bobby,” Cas responded.

“Well, one of you needs to sit up here. I don’t want to look like your bloody chauffeur.” Dean called back to them. Bobby got in the back seat then, making it clear where Cas needed to sit. He closed the door and made his way to the front seat.

The drive there took almost no time. Dean had fiddled with the radio looking for a station, but before he could settle on anything, they were there. The house was a nice looking two story ranch house with a white paint job. The wrap around porch had a porch swing and two wicker chairs that faced out toward the vast fields that swept out from the side of the house. The dinner was going to be a late one and Cas found that his stomach was growling furiously as they made their way up the front steps. He punched at his stomach a little to quiet himself and saw Dean watching him.

“Hungry?” Dean smiled.

“Starving. I haven’t eaten since lunch with M, and that was quite a while ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that. Should have showed you where Bobby hides all of the snacks.” Dean reached up and opened the screen door to the house. Bobby pushed the doorbell and they heard Sam call them in from the other side, so they went in.

“Hey guys, you all have a nice trek out here?” Jess swooped over to give each of them a hug of welcome.

“Good to see you again.” Cas said. 

“Bobby did you bring me beer?” Jess reached down and took the six-pack from him.

“Yeah, but maybe you better let me test one first to see if it is safe.” Bobby snapped one off of the rings and they all made their way to the dining room.

“Place is looking good Sammy. You been working without me?” Dean cast his gaze around the room.

“Nothing big.” Sam answered then continued, “I just threw some fresh paint down and trimmed out the room. It really needed some baseboard trim.” Sam carried a huge platter of steaks over to the table and Jess went into the kitchen to start retrieving the rest of the items. 

“Oh, here let me help.” Cas followed her and began carrying in a large bowl of mashed potatoes, while she carried a salad. “So this is where we will be slaving away next weekend?”

“Yep. Thanks in advance, by the way.” Sam offered. They began passing around the platters and bowls until everyone’s plates were heaped with food.

“Just so you all know, Sam and I have some news.” Jess began as they sat down, “We are engaged.”

“What!” Dean threw his brother a look. “You didn’t even tell me, you sneaky bastard.”

Sam smiled over at him. “Gotta have some secrets.” 

“Congratulations, Sam. This is great news.” Cas smiled over at Jess, “You sure you want to do this? I mean you can probably do better.”

“Hey, rude.” Sam tossed a biscuit at him, but Cas caught it. “What is it with you and Dean always throwing food? I swear.”

“Do I even want to ask?” Sam looked over to Dean for clarification only to find that Dean had turned a deep scarlet and would not make eye contact. 

“No story, your brother just lacks social graces when pickle slices are on the table.” Cas sent out a tiny save for Dean. He could see though that Dean was still avoiding the conversation a little.

Bobby chimed in, “So when is the big day?”

“Oh, we haven’t planned out to that yet.” Jess threw out. “Maybe next summer or something.”

“So, that brings me to the next question.” Sam looked pointedly at both Cas and then Dean.

Why is he looking at us like that. Shit, don’t make some joke about double weddings. It is all I can do to keep this timid man from running. Cas looked over at Sam with a wary expression then asked, “What is it Sam?”

“Um, well, I am going to need some groomsmen. I already know that Dean will do the best man honors, but I am hoping that you would be willing to be in this too. So, how ‘bout it, Cas, want to be one of my groomsmen?”

“Well, Sammy, I don’t know what to say. Of course. I have never been in a wedding before.” Cas felt rather special at this moment. He had siblings that had married and he had not been in a single one of their wedding parties. He had gone to all of them, of course, but he had never been close enough to any of them to be included in the actual wedding parties. Sam’s inclusion made him feel like family, and that was something that he hadn’t felt in a long while.

The dinner continued with talk of the wedding and then Jess brought out pie. She placed it right in front of Dean with the knife and serving utensils. “There you go brother. I think Sam said that you wanted me to make you some pie.”

“Oh, I may have mentioned how great that pie was that you made last Christmas.” Dean was smiling down at the pie practically drooling.

 

Dean cut into it and began sending around little slices to the people around the table. When it got to his turn, he cut out a gigantic slice and placed it on his plate. “Nice Dean. Not selfish at all.”

“Hey, I’m a growing boy.” Dean patted his stomach for emphasis.

“Did you even notice the slice that you gave to Cas?” Sam pointed at Cas’ plate that contained a slice so thin that it could only be called sample size. Cas was fine with it, but it did look rather pitiful compared to the massive pile of pie on Dean’s plate.

“Hey, Cas. You want more pie?” Dean said as he began shoveling down his own plate of dessert.

“This is plenty, Dean.” Cas ate his meager slice and watched Dean with subtle glances. He was in such a jovial mood that it was a little infectious. He glanced over at Bobby next and found that his gaze was on him. He looked away, but Cas felt as though Bobby was seeing something in the way that he had been looking at Dean. I need to be more careful for Dean. Or maybe I don’t. He thought the last when he thought about the way that Bobby looked. He didn’t look like he was passing judgement. He seemed to just be observing. Cas resolved then to try to figure out just how receptive Bobby would be to his and Dean’s relationship. Maybe tomorrow while Dean works on the bike.

After the dinner had been cleared away, everyone migrated to various seats in the living room. Cas went out onto the porch for some fresh air. Sam followed him. “I forgot what country sky looked like. There are so many more stars here.” He said to Sam as he approached.

“Yeah, it’s why I can’t bring myself to give all of this up.” Sam leaned on the railing with a beer in hand. “So, you and Dean doing okay?”

“Sure. Why do you ask?” Cas glanced over at him.

“I just wanted to make sure that things were going alright at Bobby’s. I heard that he put you in my old room.” Sam leaned onto the railing next to Cas.

“Yeah, it seems like it will be a comfortable room.” 

“So, are you happy with that arrangement? Better yet is Dean happy with that arrangement? Seems like if you two are a thing that maybe Bobby should just put you both up in one room.”

“Hmm, I don’t know what to say about that. I am happy with the arrangement. You want more information about Dean’s feelings, you’ll have to ask Dean.”

“Ask me what?” Dean emerged then to join them on the porch.

“Oh, I was just basically asking Cas if you two would be sharing a bedroom at Bobby’s.” Sam used his most casual voice, but the teasing tone was certainly not missing.

Dean turned right back around and went into the house without a word. “Well, that went well,” Cas said. He had to smile a little though at Dean’s awkwardness. It was a little cute the way that he would get flustered and blush. It made Cas kind of want to mess with him a little too, but it would be too much if both he and Sam were to pick on Dean at once.

“He told me about his other job.” Cas redirected the conversation.

“Did he?” Sam looked genuinely surprised.

“Why is that surprising?”

“He doesn’t tell anyone that. It is kind of a big deal. He is constantly at risk. If it got out that he was a cop, he would not survive that. He has been working deep undercover for a while now. Did he tell you about the case?”

“No. We had to cut the conversation short to come here. He said that he would tell me more later.”

“Now I get why he was acting all weird the other day. He was asking me if it was lying to not tell you about his other job. I told him that keeping information from someone was a type of lying. He didn’t seem too happy about that. I think that he thought that you would not want to know him if he didn’t tell you about that part of his life.”

“I’m glad that he did. It would matter if he hadn’t told me soon. We have only known each other for two weeks. It isn’t like he needs to tell me everything right at the start.” Cas looked over at Sam. “He doesn’t have anything else going on that I should know about does he?”

Sam glanced over at him. “I don’t know all of my brother’s secrets. Geesh, you saw how he gets when I try to get information out of him.”

“Yeah. He did tell me a little about your parents too. You never mentioned that they were both cops.”

“I didn’t?”

“Nope. I think that I would have remembered that little tidbit.”

“Well, you should ask Dean for more back story on that. It will give you a greater insight into the man that is my brother. Then come to me for the rest of the story.” Sam tossed back some more of his beer.

“I’ve been meaning to ask, but haven’t had the chance. Is everything okay with you? Uriel mentioned that you were having a hard time?”

“Hmm, I have been weighing an ethical dilemma. Do you ever just get too overwhelmed by the things that our clients put in our heads?”

“I try not to think about it too much,” Cas said. 

“Well, sometimes I feel like I know too much. I get rather overwhelmed by it all. I am afraid that I have learned some things that I can’t just put aside.” Sam took another drink of his beer and added, “I don’t want to share much about it yet. I would like to take more time with it before I burden you with it.” Sam turned to Cas with a reassuring half smile on his face.

“It wouldn’t be a burden, I’m sure.” Cas tried to sound reassuring himself.

“I need to process this all first. I am just having a hard time knowing some of what I know about Niveus and some of its employees. Let’s just agree that I will talk to you within two weeks no matter what I am feeling on the subject, good or bad. Sound good to you?” 

“I can accept that.” Dean reemerged from the house with Bobby in tow this time. Jess was at his heels.

“We need to get the old man home.” Dean said as they all stood on the porch.

“Hey, I’m not that old.” Bobby huffed. They all hugged good night and parted ways at the car. Bobby got back into the back seat and Cas road shotgun. The stars shone bright overhead and Cas felt a certain peace fall on him as he sat in the silence.


	35. Piano Man

Bobby said his goodnights and mounted the stairs for his room. Cas walked over to the piano and sat down. He ran his fingers over the keys and lightly plunked down a soft melody. Dean sat on the couch opposite him and watched. “What are you thinking?” Dean asked.

“Why do you ask?” Cas looked over at him, then he returned his gaze to the keys.

“You’ve been quiet ever since we left Sam’s. Just seems like something is on your mind.” Dean pushed off the couch and came over to the piano. He leaned against the side of it and stared down at Cas.

“You keep giving me a lot to think about,” Cas said. His fingers moved along the keys forming a new melody. He decided to play Imagine. It was one that he could play quietly and from memory. “I talked with Sam earlier, and he made me realize some things. I think that you and I are rather similar.”

“God, I hope not.” Dean said as he eased onto the piano bench alongside Cas. Their legs pressed against each other as Cas played. “I would like to think that you are doing a little better than me.”

“You are your own worst critic. I think that you are fine.” Cas smiled over at him.

“This is Imagine, right?” Dean asked as he looked down at Cas’ hands.

In answer Cas began to sing the lyrics while playing. He kept his voice low, so as not to disturb Bobby even though it was highly unlikely that Bobby was asleep. He kept playing through the verse and Dean kept staring at him. He leaned closer to Dean as he continued to play. Then he noticed out of the corner of his eye, a movement at the top of the stairs. He chose not to look up. He made a conscious effort to keep his eyes on the keys. Dean’s hand went up to his cheek then and he lifted Cas’ face up. He rubbed his thumb back and forth along Cas’ jawline. Cas sang the last verse toward him, and ended the song with the final lines drowning out into Dean’s mouth.

It was a soft kiss that deepened a little as Cas opened his mouth to Dean. He felt Dean’s hand come back to his neck pulling him in closer. Cas opened his eyes a little and noticed how Dean’s were closed. He also moved his gaze to the stairs and saw that they were empty. Maybe I just imagined it. But he knew that he didn’t. He knew that Bobby had been there, and he did nothing to stop Dean. He wanted Bobby to know. He wanted Dean to have to deal with this. The sooner he dealt with his fears, the sooner he could be comfortable with everything else. If only it were that simple. He closed his eyes again and pressed his hands against Dean’s chest. He moved his hands up to Dean’s neck.

Dean broke away first. “You aren’t holding up your end of the bargain, Cas.” Dean said with a wry grin.

“I don’t remember any bargain. Refresh my memory.” He swooped back to Dean’s mouth and pressed a kiss into him. 

Dean leaned back again. “We are supposed to be keeping ourselves in check.” Dean brushed Cas’ hand with his.

“I can only do so much, Dean. I mean really, I was just minding my own business here, playing the piano, when you started getting all handsy.” Cas smiled at him.

Dean chuckled a little. “Don’t pretend that you are all innocent. You totally made that happen.” Dean started to get up, but then he turned back to Cas instead. “Sometimes I wonder if you do know the effect that you have.” 

“So, are you saying that all I have to do is sing a little and suddenly you are unable to control yourself?” Cas quirked up a half smile at him, while considering the songs in his repertoire.

“It isn’t even the songs. It is just you. Although, I do like your voice. It’s warm. When you sing, or talk I feel like nothing else matters, like everything just stops.” Dean looked away then clearly embarrassed by the sharing.

“I thought that you said that you weren’t good at the words thing. Clearly, you lie.” Cas kissed him then and could not bring himself to let go. Dean didn’t break the kiss right away, but when he did Cas could see the effort that it took. “Dean, I swear if you don’t come to my bed tonight, it will kill me. I need you. I need you to be there.”

“I need you too, Cas.” Dean stood though. Cas got up too. “Bobby can’t know, so we gotta keep it PG. You okay with that?”

“PG-13 with a hint at R and you have yourself a deal.” Cas took his hand as he started to move toward the stairs.

“PG-13 and that is my final offer.” Dean raised a finger to Cas’ lips and shushed Cas before he could protest. Cas chose to comply. They made their way up the stairs then hand in hand. Dean opened the door to Cas’ room and they went in silently. Cas felt his heart thumping hard against his chest as Dean pulled him in and pressed the door closed behind him in a way that made Cas think, R.


	36. Here Comes the Sun

Cas laid on his stomach with his arm draped across Dean’s chest. Dean’s hand was resting on the back of his thigh. Cas rolled onto his side and scooted up against him. Dean didn’t stir. He was so soundly asleep. The sun was just slipping through the window. The rays were tracing a path to the bed. Dean’s hair was made more golden in the light. It stood up in little tufts on top of his head. Cas wanted to run his fingers through it. Instead he just lightly passed his hands over the edges of the wisps of hair, letting them tickle his fingers. He wanted to kiss him. He thought about just waking him up, but there was something beautiful about the peaceful look on his face. So, Cas let him sleep.

Then he saw one of Dean’s eyes crack open a little. “What are you staring at, Cas? You're going to wake me up with all of that staring.” Dean muttered and then closed his eye again.

“Being awake is good.” Cas pressed up closer to him. Dean cracked his eye open again. 

“I was having a good dream.”

“Hmm, tell me about it.” Cas stretched his arm out over Dean’s chest again, resting his head in the crook of Dean’s arm.

“So, it is all fading now, because someone had to wake me up, but I think there was this guy and he kept trying to convince me that my clothes were trying to kill me and that they absolutely had to be removed.” Dean smiled down at Cas’ upturned face. “It was all quite serious; I don’t know why you look like you are going to laugh.”

Cas did laugh at that. “So did this guy save you from your killer clothes?”

“He was about to, but then you had to wake me up. I may never know the end.” 

“Maybe we should make our own ending.” Cas began kissing his shoulder then and ran his hand down Dean’s side, feeling him shiver as he moved.

“Actually, I am going to have to get up if you are going to get your bike back before tomorrow.”

“I would rather have this.” Cas kept kissing Dean. His fingers hit the waistband of Dean’s boxers.

“You aren’t thinking clearly. That bike is your way home. Stop letting ‘Little Cas’ do your thinking for you.” Dean reached down and pulled Cas’ hand back up to his chest. 

Cas looked up at Dean then, all sad puppy eyes and said, “You are no fun.”

“That’s not what you said last night.” Dean kissed him on his forehead and then nuzzled down into his hair breathing deeply from Cas.

“Like I said before, I say a lot of things. If you are going to be my boyfriend, you are going to have to learn when to take me seriously.” Cas reached out to Dean’s face and pulled him down into a kiss.

“So, you are throwing a title on this? Boyfriend?” He said the last with a lower tone.

“Yep. You got a problem with that?” Cas popped up and with a swift move was on top of him.

“No, I guess I don’t.” Cas could feel just how little Dean minded the situation. 

“So, you’ll tell Sam?” Cas asked while pressing down with his hips. Dean rolled him off though and onto his side.

“Don’t push.” Dean sat up. “Sam can already tell anyways. I don’t want to have some chick flick moment with him.”

“Nope. You have to tell him.” Cas said again. “It matters. He’ll just keep asking me until it comes out. It just will.” Dean got up off of the bed then. “It’s like lying, Dean. He’s your brother. You should tell him.”

“I probably won’t have time to tell him. I am going to be pretty busy.”

“Lame. You make time.”

“God, Cas.” But Dean didn’t sound irritated. He sounded kind of defeated. Cas got up on his knees at the edge of the bed.

“Come here.” Dean came over. Cas ran his hands over Dean’s waist and around to his back. He pulled him closer. He smiled up at him and said, “You’re my boyfriend.”

“I think that we established that .” Dean smirked down at him.

“I know. I just like the sound of it.” Cas pressed his lips to Dean’s stomach and then lingered there. Dean reached out to his face and lifted his chin.

There was a knock on the door then and Bobby’s voice called through, “You boys get dressed and come on down. I ain't running a bed and breakfast, and that bike ain’t going to fix itself.”

Dean quickly stepped back then and looked like the personification of panic.”Shit.” Dean let that one word slip.

“Yeah, Dean. I know you’re in there. Now you and your boyfriend get down here and help me make breakfast. I’m giving you five minutes before I come in there and drag your asses down.”

They could hear him thumping down the steps. Cas was laughing a little at the whole experience. Dean however looked like he had just seen a ghost. “Shit, Cas.”

“It’s not a big deal, Dean. You act like we were going to keep this a secret.” Cas got up then and made his way over to his suitcase while Dean rummaged around on the floor for his clothes.

“It is a big deal. You don’t get it. I dont’...I, arg, God. Shit.” Dean was having a bit of a panic filled moment. Cas watched, not sure if this was funny or tragic. He let Dean just storm about the room looking for his pants. Cas could see them in the corner where they got tossed. Dean kept bending down to look under the bed. His efforts afforded Cas a nice view, so he decided not to help. Dean finally calmed down a little and looked to him for help. “Well, are you just going to sit there or are you going to help me find my pants?”

“I wouldn’t want your killer clothes to get too close to you.” Cas suppressed a laugh just a little.

“It’s not funny anymore. Help me.” Dean was standing there in his shirt and boxers. Cas got up then and walked over to the corner. He bent down and scooped up the pants. 

“Fine then, cover up. See if I care.” Cas sat back on the bed again and watched Dean quickly put the pants back on. “So, are you going to go into full on denial mode when you get down there?”

Dean was breathing heavily and did not answer. He turned to the door and stormed out. Cas followed him at a leisurely pace, somewhat looking forward to breakfast. He replayed Bobby’s words and his tone, and found that neither contained an ounce of judgement. It would be alright. He actually loves Dean. With that thought he smiled as he followed Dean. He did not need to worry.


	37. All That I'm Living For

Bobby was at the table peeling potatoes and humming a little tune. Dean reached the door first and stopped abruptly. Cas stood behind him. “Well, you boys going to just stand there or are you going to help me?” Bobby looked up at them then back at his potatoes.

Cas moved past Dean then, “What do you want me to do?”

‘Whip up some of those eggs over there and get them going on the stove.” Then he turned his eyes to Dean, “You get out the bacon and get that going.”

Dean seemed to be frozen in place. Cas moved back to him and gave his arm a gentle push, “Come on, Dean. You heard the man. Chop, chop.” Dean seemed to snap out of his stupor and moved over to the fridge to get the bacon. Cas walked over to the counter and opened the carton of eggs. He began cracking them into a bowl that was already on the counter. Dean reached past Cas and turned on the stove to heat the pan that Cas was going to use.

“Why don’t you help Bobby prep the potatoes. I can do the eggs and bacon.” Dean plucked the bowl from Cas’ hand and continued stirring the eggs.

Cas sat across from Bobby. Bobby was peeling the potatoes over a garbage can that he had pulled over to himself. He had a cutting board on the table with a peeled potato sitting on it. Cas pulled over the cutting board and began cutting up the potato into little chunks. “So, are you going to be helping Dean with the bike today?” Bobby glanced up at Cas when he asked the question then he looked back down at his peeling.

“I’m not much help, but I might keep him company a little. I am not so good at the mechanical stuff. That is probably all kinds of heresy here, huh.” Cas smiled over at Bobby.

“Nah, its people like you that keeps people like me in business.” Bobby set another potato on the cutting board for Cas to cut up. The sizzle of bacon kicked up from the stove and Cas glanced over at Dean’s back for just a second. “So, you sleep okay? I don’t get much company except for the boys here on occasion, and they don’t really get to complain.”

“Yeah, I slept fine, Bobby. Your house is very comfortable.” Cas smiled over at him, and took the next potato from Bobby.

“The boys lived with me for, what was it Dean, three years?” Bobby cast back to Dean at the stove.

“Was more than that if you count all the off and on times.” Dean muttered without turning around.

“Yeah, suppose that counts too. I was thinking about the steady living though.” Bobby stopped peeling for a moment and leaned back in his seat.

“When did they come to live with you?” Cas fished while slowing down his work at the cutting board.

“Well, Mary died when Dean, here, was thirteen, and Sam was what, nine, I think. That sound right, Dean?” 

“Close enough.” Dean’s response was quiet. He was resisting the conversation.

“Well, John lost it when Mary died. As you can imagine, it was rough on the boys too. John left. Said he was going to find the bastard that done it. Said he wasn’t going to stop until he found him. Left the kids with me not long after the funeral. He would pop back in from time to time. He’d stay a month here and there, but nothing long term. The department put him on a long-term leave. He started living on his insurance money and seemed in danger of exhausting that. I was pretty worried about him, but I couldn’t do much. I had to think about the boys.” Bobby began peeling the last potato then. 

Cas looked over at him and said, “You’re a good man, Bobby. I’m glad that Sam and Dean had you.”

“Too bad it was necessary. Should have had their actual parents.” Bobby glanced back at Dean. “I love those boys though. I never had kids of my own. They are the closest I’ll ever get. Sometimes I worry that I didn’t give ‘em enough.”

Dean turned then and cast a quick glance at Bobby and said, “When did you get all sentimental?”

“Round about the time you did.” Bobby chucked a long strand of potato peel at him. 

Cas interrupted their moment and asked, “Would it be okay if I asked why John thought that Mary had been killed? What made him think that it wasn’t an accident?”

“She had been investigating something and it got hairy.” Bobby started. Dean pulled the pan off of the stove and came over to retrieve the potatoes. He seemed to be taking over all of the breakfast prep now.

“You gotta go back farther than that, Bobby.” Dean said with his back to them.

“Well, you tell it then.” Bobby got up and gathered the plates and utensils.

“Okay then, umm, get comfortable, Cas.” Dean glanced back at him. Cas gave him a nod. “So, there was this kid from the neighborhood, Little Tommy Marcus. He was this kid I knew from school. We were almost thirteen when the shit went down. We, Sammy and I, had kinda been looking out for him for awhile by then. I think that we started hanging out with him when he was maybe eleven. Anyway, he came from this family. Mom and Dad always fighting. Everyone expected to hear that they were going to get a divorce, and then Little Tommy would be shuffling off back and forth from one house to the next. Funny thing though, they never did break up. Kind of too bad, since it really did a number on this kid. He was one of those quiet kids, that gets picked on and stuff. Well, one summer he gets this majorly impressive growth spurt. Damn near six feet tall when school started up. People still called him Little Tommy though. However, they didn’t pick on him. Dude was scary big.”

Dean brought the eggs and bacon over to the table while the potatoes were still cooking. “So, anyway, like I said, the name stuck. And it kind of fit him, since he was kind of little in a different way. Seems like all that stuff at home made him just sort of curl up on himself. His brain just kind of stopped working right. I don’t know if that is a thing, but maybe there was something more. Like maybe he was getting some other abuse or something. Never found out, but anyways, Sam and I kinda took to watchin’ out for him, like I said before. We tried to keep kids from picking on him back when he couldn’t do much for himself. Later when he was bigger, we just kinda felt like we needed to make sure he was okay. We would walk with him to school and sometimes back to his house.”

“Well, things had been getting pretty bad at his house. Little Tommy had started withdrawing even more. There were whole days where he wouldn’t even speak. Sam was good with him then. He would try to distract him with one of his stupid magic tricks. It was this weird phase he was going through. Thought that he was going to be David Copperfield or some shit. Anyways, Sam would do this thing with a coin where he would make it flow back and forth from one knuckle to the next across his hand. Little Tommy could have stared at that for hours. After doing that for a little bit, Sam might do a card trick or some such thing. Usually, that would lead to talking, but only a little.”

Cas interrupted, “Sam has always been good at drawing people out.”

“Yeah, I guess he always has had some people skills.” Dean responded.

“He got that from your mom,” Bobby offered up.

“Well, he certainly didn’t get it from dad,” Dean said. “Somedays I would skip class, hang out on the back lawn with the loser kids. I was kinda not good at the school thing. Sometimes Little Tommy would go with me. We would pick up Sam after he got out then we would go home. One day, one stupid day, I decided not to go hang out on the back lawn. I didn’t even check up on Little Tommy. He must have gone out to the back field to look for me or maybe even Sam. Bunch of the usual crowd were hanging out there. They usually just smoked some pot or cigarettes, not much to write home about. I guess though, that on that day, some of them had gotten a hold of something new, and they wanted to see what it would do. Now, Little Tommy was a giant, so they must have thought that he could handle a lot more than what he could. I never would have guessed that they would have taken advantage of him. What he got from them was bad. It wasn’t a drug that any of them could have understood.”

Cas leaned forward in his seat and asked, “What happened to him?”

“Well, he burst into a classroom. It was empty except for the teacher. She said that he had blood coming from his eyes, like he was crying blood or something. She called 911. Little Tommy just kept going on about how beautiful it was, how he could see heaven. They got him to the hospital, but he didn’t make it. Mom worked the case. She was pretty upset about it. She pretty much ignored everything else, but this. She was determined.”

“Did your dad work on this one too?” Cas asked. Bobby took his seat again and Dean gave the potatoes one final stir before deciding that they were done.

“Not really. She talked to him about the case, a lot, but he mostly picked up the slack on the cases that she couldn’t work anymore. This became everything to her. It was like she could see Sam and I when she looked at what happened to Little Tommy.”

“So, what did she find out?” Cas asked.

“I think, and dad thought, that she found out everything. There was a drug that the stoner boys called Alpha. It was supposed to be this crazy hallucinogenic deal. Mom said that it didn’t seem like something that you get from a small-timer. It was pharmaceutical grade stuff. Well, at least that is what dad told me she said.” Dean set the pan of potatoes on the table and the three of them started scooping up the food onto their plates. “So, most of what I knew about the case came from dad remembering and researching and sharing stuff. Dad didn’t share most of this though until years later, when I was an adult. So, who knows how much of it is accurate.”

The details of the story were gnawing at Cas’ head, in a way that was familiar, and not, all at once. “So, you think that she found out where the drugs came from and that someone set the fire?” Cas asked. 

“Absolutely.” Dean said as he started to eat. He glanced over at Bobby and he nodded in agreement.

“So, was anyone ever arrested?” Cas probed.

“No, there was no evidence left. Mom’s office was disturbed that night. Dad said that although there was no evidence of a break in or tampering, he knew where her work was stored and it was gone. He had to start researching from scratch.”

“Course, he did more than research. He found religion too. He got all kinds of tied up in lofty ideas about retribution and vengeance. He was looking for justice either on this plane or the next.” Bobby said with a huff.

“Yeah, there was that.” Dean seemed uncomfortable with this strand of the conversation. Cas recalled just how much this part of Dean’s father’s life impacted his son. He put his hand on Dean’s for just a moment then withdrew it when he felt Dean tense up. Bobby looked at them and then back down to his plate of food.

“So, who was responsible? Did he ever find out?” Cas asked.

“Dad never quite found out, but I think I am close.” Dean seemed to hesitate, as if he was not going to finish the story.

“Well, I have to know more.” Cas prodded again.

“I’m afraid that I can’t tell the rest of the story.” Dean leveled his gaze on Cas.

“Why not? I know that I can’t talk about this.” Cas really wanted to know more. He had decided that mysteries just weren’t his thing at all.

“It isn’t that, Cas. It is because it wouldn’t be safe.” Dean turned back to his food.

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t it be safe?”

Bobby chimed in then. “Sometimes, Cas it is better not to know everything. Until Dean can get this bastard, it would be best if he kept some things to himself.”

“So, you are actively investigating you own mom’s murder? As a lawyer, I think that I can safely say that that is not allowed.” Cas leveled his gaze at Dean.

“I’m not investigating her murder. I’m investigating the trafficking of a new drug and a rising presence of organized crime.” Dean said this in a manner that sounded rehearsed. It was almost like he was testing out the story for use at a future time. 

“So, this drug is still out there after all of these years?” Cas wondered how something that causes eye bleeding and death could become popular.

“It is, only it has other names, and there is a different strain of it that is even used medically to treat stroke victims. The recreational version is ‘safer’ now. I think that Little Tommy took a lot of it. Over the years it has become much more popular than it should have. You may have heard of it by one of its other names. The most unusual ones are Bat or Venom. Those names stem from its source. The drug was derived from bat venom or saliva.”

“Why would someone want to put this out there? It should all be about profit, right? Why not just distribute the legitimate drug to hospitals and such, and not the more damaging street drug?”

“I’m working on figuring that out. I am close.” Dean looked up at Cas then. “I feel like all of the answers are just right there and I’m just not looking closely enough.” Dean stood from the table then. “Enough of this. I need to clear my head and work on your ride home.” Dean stalked over to the sink and put his plate in it. “Feel free to come out to the shop later after I get some work started out there.” Dean left in a rush. Cas looked up at Bobby who seemed unfazed by the abrupt departure.

“Sometimes I feel like my life got a whole lot more intense once I met the Winchesters.” Cas slid his chair back and stretched out.

“I know just what you mean.” Bobby nodded in agreement. Then they each sat in silence with their thoughts and a world of information swirling about noisily in their minds. The look on Cas’ face betraying just how much all of it troubled him. It is all too familiar.


	38. I'm Going Under

Cas left Bobby in the kitchen and went to his room. He looked out the window for a bit and thought about what he had heard. Dean wasn’t the only one that had to keep information close to his vest. Some of the things that Dean shared were far too familiar. He nearly cringed when he heard Dean mention the name of the drug. _Hadn’t Sam asked about something called the Alpha Strain? It doesn’t have to be the same thing._ He told himself this, but secretly he sensed that it was connected.

He couldn’t say anything though. The law was pretty clear on that. He thought about the other connections too. In his readings on Ebola, he had learned about the way that the bats and primates had been involved in the spreading of the virus. He had read about the effects too. The bleeding from the eyes and the splotchy rashes that would commonly assault the victims. It was all too similar. He felt that Niveus was not innocent and that there was so much wrong with what he had learned today.

 _I don’t know what to do. How do I keep this to myself? How do I keep this from Dean?_ He felt the overwhelming crush of emotions pressing on him as he considered his situation. Dean had worried over his secret life, thought that it might make Cas leave him. _This secret would pale by comparison. I will lose him when he finds out what I know._ Then Cas paused in his thought path. Realization blazed through him like a forest fire on a dark night. _He already knows._

In fact, it made far more sense for Cas to assume that Dean knew where the drug was coming from, and that it had to be from Niveus. Things were clicking in Cas’ head. He worried a bit. He wondered when Dean had realized the connection with Niveus. _Was it before we met or very recently?_ He thought about the connection and walked over to the book case. He was overwhelmed. He craved distraction, anything to redirect his mind from the blooming chaos of his thoughts. He ran his hand along the rows of books feeling their spines with his fingertips..

He paused at the middle row. There was an old journal. It was leather bound and had seen better days. The brown cover was worn and a little fuzzy as leather often gets when it is regularly handled over time.

It was an unexpected find. He ran a hand over it and considered his next action. _Open it?_ There is a sanctity that hovers over books of this type. Everyone knows of it, many respect it. Would he? He picked at the corner just a little. Just a peek. _Just to see what it is._ It was a weak rationale, but if he didn’t think about it too much, it would be enough to propel action.

Before any dissenting opinions could be presented by his subconscious, he opened the journal. The first page was blank except for a single name at the center, _John Winchester. Not Sam or Dean, interesting._ He paused, but only briefly, and turned the page. The next page was filled with neat flowing script. It did not look like the writing of a modern man. He had read a lot of scrawling notes affixed to files and books--notes that were barely legible. Too many people had lost the skill in favor of a quick email or text. This writing was beautiful. He sat on the edge of the bed and began reading.

_Mary said that I needed this. She said that a man of action needed a place for words. Today seemed like a good day to write. I am a father today. I never thought that this would be a part of my life. I never thought that I would have someone in my life that would depend on me. He looks so peaceful. I hope that I don’t break him. He sleeps a lot. I thought that there would be more crying. Mary is sleeping now too. I watch her, and I watch him, and I don’t know if anyone can feel greater joy than I do in those moments. We named him Dean. He is everything that is right in this world._

Cas stopped reading. Feeling like he had invaded some private moment. He had invaded a private moment, so the feeling was apt. He thought of his own father and wondered if he felt this way when he had been born, or if it was always as it was in the end--indifferent, distant. He ran his hand along the page in a tender move before he decided to turn to a later page. He thought that if he did not read the journal all the way through that it would be a more excusable intrusion.

The script in the middle of the journal was still neat and easy to read. The flowing script though, was different too. Some letters ended in sharp lines and some dots over the letters were more like slashes than dots. He read from the page and immediately wondered how much time had passed between the entries. It seemed like an entirely different writer from before. He was so filled with hope and love before, but now, what he read was the antithesis of all of that.

_Eulogy for Mary_   
_Many of you knew my wife. She was everything beautiful in this world. She was taken from us too soon. Everyone says that, though, don’t they. I think though, that I would say that if she were taken from me much later too. Even with years together watching our children grow into young men, I would still say that it was too soon. There is never enough time. No one ever realizes it though until it is too late. I have so much that I needed to tell her. Now, I have to figure out how to do this alone. How to show the boys the tenderness that you showed, that will be the hardest. You just understood everything so instinctively. I will try to make you proud. For the rest of us, I can only hope that you don’t make the mistakes that I made. Don’t look back and regret what you didn’t do. I look back and I have regrets._

_I have regrets, Mary. I regret that I did not tell you often enough--how much you mattered. I did not know that there wouldn’t be enough time. I did not think about each minute. I did not realize that it would end. I can’t stand that you are not here. I can’t stand that I still am. I miss you. We all miss you..._

Cas stopped reading. He knew that it was not something that he should be doing anymore. However, he turned to a later part of the journal to read more. The middle was all notes. They seemed to be part of his investigation into Mary’s death. There were names, and dates. Locations and contacts lined the pages. I have to stop reading this. He just couldn’t seem to listen to his subconscious though. The page before him had notes on a man named Luc Mirov. The frustrating part about the writing in this part of the journal was the incompleteness of it all. Where the parts before were written out in prose, these parts were scattered lines and random seeming words.

Mirov’s name came up though, more than once. In fact Cas was able to piece some of it together. He was starting to see patterns in the writing that reminded him of the notes that he would generate when putting together a case. One section read: _Mirov lead research scientist in Ebola virus 1980s to 1990s. Niveus research facility Zaire. Died 1999, cause unknown. Connected to 1994 outbreak._

Cas saw an avenue to pursue for future research. The history of Niveus seemed to be deeply connected to the virus that they were currently developing a vaccine for. Then he saw another familiar name. _Brady_. Cas paused when he saw the name. The connection to Crowley shaping in his mind. He had wondered how or even why Crowley would have been at the courthouse that day. Although, the explanation wasn’t here, Cas now had lines to follow toward clarity. He read more. _Ezra Brady, CEO of Stiel Pharmaceuticals. Split from Niveus 1996. Anti-clotting drug major money-maker for them. Developed by Mirov._

Cas picked up his phone then and scrolled through the contacts. Finding Sam’s name in the list he pulled up his number and typed in a quick message.  
We shouldn’t wait two weeks to talk about the Niveus case. I have learned too much this weekend.

He waited for a reply. Sam was usually pretty quick about these things.  
When do you want to meet?

Don’t know. Soon. OK?

OK. You alright?

Too many mysteries. I feel like my head is going to explode.

Welcome to my world. How’s Dean? He is not returning my texts.

He’s fine. What were you texting him? He is usually good about texting back.

Oh, you know. I was maybe pestering him about his new relationship. I thought that he would maybe be more comfortable with it in text form as opposed to actual talking.

Did he share anything with you about that subject?

Not so much. Is there something to share?

Guess not. He’ll tell you when there is.

Or he won’t because, Dean.

Or he will because it matters. I’m hopeful.

I’m glad. That makes me a little hopeful too. I gotta go. Can’t really talk right now. Later.

OK, Bye Sam.

He turned back to the journal, but couldn’t bring himself to continue reading from it anymore. For the moment, it felt too private, too sneaky. He could not justify his actions. He closed the journal and set it back on the shelf. He would not mention that he read any of it. He felt guilty enough already.  
\---

Cas came into the shop later that afternoon with two plates. He and Bobby had thrown together some sandwiches for lunch. He was worried about what all of the new information would mean. He felt like his world was becoming complicated in a way that was not sustainable. Dean was deeply concentrating on his work. The bike looked nice even though it was not assembled. He had painted the body that morning. Cas could see it all coming together.

Dean looked up and threw Cas a half smile. Dean began wiping his hands off on a rag and walking over to the sink in the corner of the vast place. Cas sat down at a bench near the sink and set down the plates. “How’s it going in there with Bobby?”

“Fine. I went up to the room for a bit, spent a little time alone.” Cas began absently picking at his sandwich.

“You could have come out here.” Dean offered as he dried off his hands and came to the bench. He picked up his plate and sat down, resting it on his lap.

“I know. I just needed a little time to myself to think.”

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Dean was slumped a little in his seat.

“For what? You don’t need to apologize.” Cas set his plate aside then and added, “There’s a lot that I don’t understand, and a lot that I think I do. I just needed to be by myself for a bit to gain some perspective.”

“Did it help?” Dean set his plate aside now too.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Cas wanted to ask him more. He wanted to know about the things that Dean wasn’t sharing.

“Maybe it would have been better for you if I hadn’t let Sam talk me into meeting up with him that night at the bar.” Dean was fidgeting. "My life is too complicated for other people, I think."

“No. I wasn’t okay. Then I met you.”

Dean looked up at him then. He seemed surprised by this. “I don’t make things okay, Cas. Look at how long I’ve been dealing with this mess for my family. Any competent person would have solved this years ago. Hell, my mom had it figured out within months.”

“And look where it got her.” Cas regretted the words as they left his mouth. They sounded callused. He really just wanted Dean to see that he was one of the good things. “I’m glad I met you. But I can’t help but wonder if you haven’t changed your mind about me.” Cas felt like Dean knew what was in Cas’ head. He felt like Dean must see him as the type of person that is comfortable associating with terrifying criminals. How long could Dean be comfortable with a person like him? “I feel like I make things complicated for you, and that things use to be a little simpler.”

“I don’t know why you would say that. I think that it would make way more sense for me to say that to you.” Dean ran a hand through his hair and leaned back a little. That night that Sam convinced me to come out and meet you, I made a mistake.”

“What do you mean?” Cas asked.

“I mean, that I should have just said no. I should have just kept on like I always did.” Dean paused for a second then continued. “But he wore me down. Ya, know how Sam is.”

“Yeah.” Cas agreed.

“You know, Sam use to just talk about work when he first started at the firm. Cases and clients pretty much made up his whole vocabulary. Then he started tossing Gabe, Uriel, and Anna into the conversations. Later, you came up. It wasn’t long before, he was always talking about you all. There was the usual talk about his work, but he changed. He found something with all of you.”

“I think it is just friendship, Dean.”

“I know. It is just that Sam and I didn’t have much of that growing up. We had each other. That was it. Well, and Bobby. We didn’t get much from outside. Sam said once, after he started becoming your friend, that you remind him why all of it matters, why we can’t just stay disconnected, despite how much easier it would make so many things.”

“Sammy always has a way of seeing things, doesn’t he?” Cas smiled at him.

"Yeah. I think that is why he was always talking about you guys. I think that he wanted me to have that kind of connection too. I think that, at one point, he was going to try to set me up with Anna."

Cas nearly choked, "Really?"

"Yeah, well, you can see that didn't happen." Dean chuckled a little.

"So, when he invited you out to the bar to meet us, that must have been odd for you. You kind of already knew us a little."

"Yeah, but not as much as you might think. It was like meeting old friends." Dean smiled over at Cas and then continued, "Sam had been telling me more and more about you all and eventually he must have picked up on something in me, because he started telling me more stories about you. I looked forward to Sam's little stories. In fact, I really looked forward to the stories. I wanted to know you. Eventually, I kinda felt like I did know you. His stories made me feel like, even though we hadn't met yet, maybe you and I were friends too. They made me feel connected." Cas warmed a little at the thought that Dean was developing a connection to him before they even met.

"I'm glad that I met you that night. I'm glad that you decided to come in and meet us."

"I didn't come in right away. I was supposed to hand off some files that night. I had my contact meet me there. Figured I'd kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I didn't mention this, but I actually heard you sing "Satisfaction" before I joined you. I pretended that I hadn't been skulking around like a creepy stalker. That was the first time that I really saw you, the guy that Sammy told me so much about, the guy that I had heard so much about. And there you were singing right there in front of me."

"Well, now. Hope you weren't too scarred." Cas smirked.

"You know I wasn't. Anyway, I just watched you all at the table, laughing, smiling. I saw what Sammy had with you guys and I realized what I had been missing. I should have walked out then, but I didn't. I wanted that too."

“Why do you think that you should have walked out? Don’t you think you deserve friends, companionship?” Cas had a look of concern on his face. Dean got up and walked over to his car which was parked on the other side of the shop. Cas followed him.

“I think that I shouldn’t be so selfish.”

“It’s not selfish, Dean. It is human nature.” He reached up and placed his hand on Dean’s back. Dean did not turn.

“It is selfish to drag people into my world. It is selfish to put people at risk. That night I screwed up. I screwed everything up before I even went in there. I screwed up from the moment that I decided that I deserved something more.”

Cas moved around to face Dean. “You do deserve more.” He reached up and rested a hand on Dean’s face. “Sometimes it is okay to just live life. You know? Enjoy the moments. Everyone deserves a little peace sometimes.”

Dean reached up and rested his hand on the back of Cas’. They stood like that for a few moments then Dean broke away and rested his hands on the hood of the Impala. “It was funny finally talking with you. I told myself that you would be worth knowing. Anyone that saves my little brother’s life should be worth knowing, right? Family is everything to me. Sammy will always come first with me. So, when I learned what you did, I wanted to meet you back then. I think that I built you up into some mythic creature in my mind, my brother’s personal guardian angel, or something. It made me a little nervous about actually meeting you.”

“I’m hardly that. I feel like you may have given me too much credit.”

“Not enough, by my way of viewing things. I owe you. Sammy wouldn’t be here if you didn’t act.” Dean gave him a look that said, I mean it.

“So, I hope this is more than you owing me, because you don’t.” Cas leaned back against the car so that he could face Dean.

“It’s why I wanted to know you; it is not why I want to continue knowing you. Although, it speaks to the kind of person that you are.” Dean seemed to grow uncomfortable all of a sudden. “I’m having a hard time with some of this, Cas. I feel like I have pulled you into my world and gummed up your life. I hate that I am going to complicate things for you if we keep this up.”

“What do you mean if? You don’t get to get rid of me yet.” Cas tossed off, trying not to let worry creep into his tone.

Dean ran his hands through his hair again, a nervous gesture. “As much as I think that I should leave, I won’t. I can’t seem to do the right thing where you are concerned.”

“You are doing the right thing. Nobody is complication free. We can make this work if we want it enough.”

“Um.” Dean stepped up to him and brushed a quick kiss across his forehead before walking back to the bench. He took his seat again and Cas joined him. “I just don’t want to complicate your life, Cas. I really don’t think that you get how messed up I am. If I were less selfish, I would just keep to myself. I’d keep from inserting myself into your little world.”

“I use to feel like that too, once. When Charles left, I shut myself off. I kept my friends off at a distance. Funny thing, Sam kinda helped with that. He made me talk. It was funny how easy it was just visiting with him. I guess I owe him for a few things. He got me talking, and he lead me to you.” Cas smiled at him and reached out to squeeze his hand a little.

Dean smiled back. “Sometimes, if I don’t think about it all too much, I think that I might be really happy. I just can’t seem to get past the way that I know I am going to mess up your life. Given everything that I told you today, you must be able to see it”

“Well, my job is certainly going to be a complication.” Cas looked at Dean willing him to understand the difficulty that he was having with the situation that they had discussed at breakfast. He couldn’t talk about it all directly, so he had to hope that Dean could just understand. “Also, there is you discomfort with our relationship.”

“I’m plenty comfortable.” Dean’s lie rolled off his tongue so smoothly that Cas had to laugh at him.

“Really?” Cas moved his hand up to Dean’s shoulder and gave him a little pat. “So how did your conversation with Sam go? Did you tell him that you are my boyfriend?”

Dean avoided eye-contact. “I was going to, but he was being a little bitch, so I maybe didn’t. Plus, I was busy working on your bike when he texted.”

“Ah.” Cas smiled over at him and moved his hand back over to cover Dean’s. “You know there is always going to be something with him. He isn’t going to stop being, as you put it, a little bitch. So, you should probably just bite the bullet. Look how easy it was with Bobby.”

‘I didn’t tell Bobby.”

“Well, that’s true, but you didn’t go all denial mode either. Baby steps, I guess.” Cas rolled his thumb back and forth across Dean’s hand. “What about it makes you uncomfortable?”

“I don’t know, Cas. Does it matter?” Dean squirmed about in his seat.

“Maybe. If you figure it out, then maybe you can beat it,” Cas said quietly. “It might be nice for you to be able to uncomplicate one small part of your life. Maybe, if you can deal with this little thing, it will help.” He paused for a second thinking about the way that Sam had done something like this for him. He remembered how Sam had slowly worked him into a conversation, how everything just came tumbling out. It was the beginning of him coming back to life again. Cas thought about that and looked into Dean’s face. He maybe couldn’t fix the complications that would come from Dean investigating Niveus while he was representing them, but maybe he could help Dean be comfortable with who he was and who he was with. “Let’s think about it. What is the worst that could happen if you tell someone that you are dating me?”

“I could lose you,” Dean said this quickly, still avoiding eye-contact.

“You won’t.” Cas reassured.

“You don’t know that. I didn’t even have to say anything before, and just me being me was enough.”

Cas didn’t fully understand what Dean meant, but he wanted to encourage sharing so instead of asking what he meant he said, “You should be free to be you.” Cas kept rubbing his hand with his thumb, stroking little patterns now into Dean’s flesh.

Dean was silent for a few moments, then he seemed to dive into the middle of a story. Sharing it as though, the words had to come out before someone walked in on the conversation. “It was scary. Dad, said he didn’t want a faggot son. I didn’t think that I was. I didn’t even know why he thought that at first. It was probably the alcohol. He was pretty drunk most of the time by that point. He made me go to camp. I was in the first camp for two weeks. I don’t think that they could do the stuff they did then now. Dad drove me all the way out to Montana. Didn’t talk to me the whole way there. Sam and Bobby didn’t know what was up. Dad told them we were going on a hunting trip. We never told them any different.” Dean paused for a bit. He seemed to be shivering. Cas moved closer to him and ran his hand up his arm.

“It’s okay, Dean.”

“No, it won’t ever be okay.” Dean finally looked at him. “Anytime I have to acknowledge this....” He lifted his hand toward Cas then continued, “I’ll betray you. You deserve to be acknowledged. I know that. I just know what has always happened to me in the past.”

“But your dad isn’t here anymore, and your family loves you, no matter what.” Cas reasoned.

“They held me under water. I was choking and they kept me under. They would pull me up and I would hear snatches of their words. They prayed for my soul. I was an abomination reclaimed, or somesuch thing. They let me get just enough air then back down I went. It was a baptism they said.”

“Oh, God, Dean.” Cas pulled Dean into him. He held his head against his shoulder and rubbed his hands into his back. “That will never happen again. I wish that I could go back there. I wish that I could save you from that.” Cas was rocking Dean a little in his arms.

Dean spoke again in a muffled voice, “I know that it doesn’t make sense to be uncomfortable, or to be afraid of talking about us. I know it like I know logical things, but anytime I even get close to acknowledging my connection to you, I panic. I see Dad. I see the tub of water beckoning me in. I feel their hands pressing me down and I am drowning, drowning.” Dean choked out the last part and then fell into silence.

“No one will take me away from you. You won’t lose me. I promise.” Cas kissed his head and continued to hold him, wishing away the past.

“He got Benny away. I guess his camp worked, huh?” Dean pulled back a little and looked at Cas.

“That can’t happen now. It was cruel and wrong, and it can’t happen again.”

“I don’t know how to push it away. It is always there. Always suffocating me. When I’m alone with you, it is different. When anyone else is there, it is like dad walking into that room all over again.”

“What room?”

“I was on my bed, and Benny was resting his head on my stomach. We were just laying there. I was reading a magazine. Benny was listening to music and reading the lyrics. It was innocent. I guess it wasn’t innocent in my head, but it was innocent in every other way. Dad burst into the room and found us like that. He practically threw Benny out the door. He sent me to my last camp later that week. It made the baptism look like a cakewalk. They would do things to try to make you not feel, you know, like that, around dudes.” Dean said the last in pauses and spurts.

Cas pulled him back against him. “It’s okay now.”

“It was so much pain. I came to look forward to the water. I wanted it to fix me, or I wanted it to finish me. I would have taken either.” Dean was silent then. His body seemed exhausted by the talk. Cas decided that he couldn’t push Dean’s conversation any further. He could feel the tension in his muscles. Cas just held him and pressed his face into his hair, kissing him lightly every couple of seconds, hoping that it would drive away the past, knowing that it couldn’t, but it was all that he could do.


	39. Carry Each Other

They had spent a fair amount of time just sitting with each other. Eventually, Dean broke away from Cas and headed over to the bike. Cas followed him and busied himself with menial tasks like cleaning up the piles of tools that were spread about the shop. The afternoon had passed on into evening, and Cas spent much of it in silence. The two of them found occupation to be a distraction and so they found ways to focus on the final repairs of the motorcycle. Cas felt like something had been accomplished earlier. He felt that, despite the horrors that plagued Dean’s past, Dean had turned a corner. He was talking, something Sam hadn’t accomplished over vastly more years of effort.

“Looks like we’ll be able to take her out later for a test ride.” Dean looked like he was less serious than he had been earlier. Cas decided that this was also a good thing.

“I hope that I am not too rusty for this. I haven’t ridden in quite some time.” 

“Well, you know what they say about riding bikes. This is no different. We’ll kick the rust out of ya, and you’ll be fine. I’ll ride with you the first time.”

“I don’t really see how that will help. I’ll just be worried about crashing with you now.” Cas joined him by the bike and looked down at him.

“That’s not going to happen. You worry too much.” Dean seemed to remember himself then, and it was clear that he remembered that there was a lot worth worrying about.

“Are we about to wrap up and join Bobby for dinner?” Cas asked to deflect the train of Dean’s thoughts.

In answer, Dean stood up. “Yes, actually. I think that it is ready for you. Hop on. Let me see how you look on there.” Dean smiled at him.

Cas paused for a moment. He never actually thought that this creature would be used again. It felt odd to actually have it successfully fixed. He threw his leg over the seat and gripped the handles. He felt quite comfortable like this. He was trying to recall the last ride that he had taken on it. He was certain that it was brief. Charles had taught him to ride, but all that teaching didn’t lead to much actual practice. Cas probably only rode a small handful of times. “This feels comfortable. You did a great job, Dean.”

“You look good there.” Dean tipped his head to the side in appraisal as he spoke. “Yeah, I think you might just be meant for a motorcycle.”

“When can we try it out?” Cas felt a little eager to feel the wind and the evidence of their efforts, well Dean’s efforts.

“Let’s try her out now. Dinner won’t be ready for a good hour. Bobby said something about BBQ, and I don’t smell the coals yet. We should tell Bobby, though. Don’t want him worrying.”

“Where will we go?” Cas asked.

“I have a route in mind. Go get the gear out of the trailer, and I’ll go tell Bobby the plan.” Dean headed off to the house and Cas gathered their gear.

\---

The bike was running beautifully. Cas felt the purr of the engine between his legs and the warmth of Dean at his back. They were travelling at a decent clip, but they were not speeding. Cas was too lost in thought to step up the pace. Then he heard Dean’s shout at the side of his helmet. “Go faster, grandma!” 

Cas laughed and sped up. The wind on their faces picked up and Cas felt like he could stay this way forever. He could feel Dean’s hands around his waist and the length of his thighs pressed up against his own. It was a little hard to focus on the road. He suddenly felt a little bad about all of the distraction that he provided to Dean during their drive. He felt Dean’s hand move off of his waist and looked to it. Dean pointed off to a side road that seemed to stretch out toward the hills. 

Cas slowed and took the turn feeling Dean lean with him. The hill that they eventually came to was gentle and the turns were wide and sweeping for being a small road. He wondered where it would lead them. They hit the crest of it and dropped down on the other side. The view was extensive. He could see out beyond the land to the distant ocean. The emerald green fields stretching out between them were dotted in trees. It was so much wide open land. It was odd that this existed so close to the cramped living that was just behind them in the city.

Dean pointed at a real estate sign and seemed to want him to pull over. He pulled into the long winding driveway of the home and cut off the engine. “This is gorgeous. I bet this house won’t stay on the market long.” Cas looked out at the medium sized ranch house that was set back some distance from the road. The trees in the front yard shielded it from the noise that would come with passing cars. They also kept the house from sight. The house had an inviting charm in its appearance. It was a wide single story with a long side porch overlooking the view that had greeted Cas just a few moments before. No one seemed to be occupying the home, so they wandered around the property.

“Yeah, you would think that a view like that would lead to a bidding war. So far, though, nothing. It has been on the market for about six months.”

“Really? Is something wrong with it?” Cas looked up into one of the windows and saw that the house was completely empty, no staging furniture, garbage, or anything, just empty rooms.

“Not that I can tell. I think that the place was lost in a foreclosure and that the real estate agency is just not doing much to promote the sale. Weird, huh?”

“Yeah.” They made their way around the back of the property and Dean pointed over to a large out building.

“See that? That would be my shop.” Dean smiled at him.

“You might have to get a couple more cars though, that place is huge.” Cas smiled back.

“Oh, twist my arm.” Dean laughed. “They even have a small vineyard on the other edge of the property. I don’t know much about wine, but I bet the old owners were trying to start up a little winery here.”

“Hmm.” Cas wandered over to the area that Dean had been talking about. He looked at the untended vines that stretched out in neat little rows. They needed attention. Cas wondered if they would survive the winter without someone here to keep an eye on them. “My family has a large winery. We ship to all parts of the world.”

“I didn’t know that about you. Where is your family now?” Dean stood alongside Cas surveying the vineyard with him.

“They are mostly still up in the Willamette Valley.” Cas turned back to the house and Dean followed.

“Where’s that?” They climbed the steps up to the back porch and peered in through the windows.

“It’s up near Portland, Oregon. They like the climate up there. I’m pretty much the only one to really move away.”

“Why did you leave?” Dean was looking into a window when he asked, and Cas peeked into it too.

“This would make a nice office.” Cas said before answering. “I left because I didn’t feel like I mattered there. Most of the time I felt like I didn’t even exist there. My siblings were always involved in one drama or another. My dad dealt with it all by not dealing with it. He adopted an air of disinterest. My mom cared. I go back to visit her every now and then, but not enough. She is a truly gentle and kind woman. The rest though, I can do without. They are all rather self-involved.”

Dean reached over to him and took his hand. “I’m glad you found a better place to be then.” He pulled him to the next window and showed him the kitchen. there was a long center island and a large range in the middle of it. “Look at that, Cas.”

“What?” Cas pressed his face closer to the window to really see inside.

“The range has one of those things like you have. I will make us the best meals on that. We could have burgers every night.” Dean looked like he was deep in his own little world that included this home and Cas.

“Um, we might need to eat more than burgers, just saying.” Cas laughed at him and squeezed his hand a little. “That office room would be perfect for me. I could work in there and look out at the vineyards. I would even have a little view of the shop, so that I could see you working out there every now and then.” Cas could really see the life out here that they could have, and it felt nice.

“It would be nice huh?” Dean seemed to grow somber for a moment.

Cas pulled him closer, then ran his hand up Dean’s arm to his chest. “Yes, Dean, it would be more than nice. It would be perfect.” He kissed him lightly at first. His hands moving to Dean’s neck, where he carded his fingers into Dean’s hair. He felt Dean’s hands move around the small of his back. His fingers spread out slightly kneading at the muscles there. It was almost enough to make Cas forget all that had transpired that morning. He could just stop worrying about the things that he knew and just live in this moment. Couldn’t I? He was fully pressed up against Dean who was pressed against the wall of the house. He could feel Dean’s desire in his movements and in the firmness of his body. He felt the warm wash of Dean’s tongue as it slipped into his mouth. His mind fell away from the worries and focused on the feel of Dean, just Dean. He moved his hands down between them and was pulling at the button of Dean’s jeans.

Dean’s phone rang. “Damn it, Bobby.” Dean muttered before even looking at the phone. Cas stepped back from Dean flushed with the moment. Dean pulled out the phone and answered it. “Yeah, Bobby. We didn’t forget.” He paused. “Yeah, I know I said an hour.” He paused again. “We’ll head back now.” He paused again, then looked up at Cas with an eye roll. “Yes, we know that you’ve been slaving away on our dinner. Now stop talking to me, and let Cas and I get on the road.” Dean hung up after that and they began walking back to the bike. “We apparently owe him an apology. We are a bit late.”

“Has it been about an hour?” Cas actually had no clue how long it had been.

“Oh, yeah, we are late.” They mounted the bike again and sped down the driveway and out onto the road. Dean did not have to harass Cas about his speed. Cas felt warm still in spite of the wind whipping his face. At his back he could feel Dean’s chest tight against him. His own face broke into a smile at the thought that this man was his. His smile slipped a little though, when he thought of the rest of it all. I can hold onto this. I will hold onto this. He leaned into the turn and felt Dean lean with him. The sunset at their backs casting its glow over their journey.


	40. Now I've Said Too Much

The meal with Bobby had been pleasant. They talked about the bike for the most part and avoided the subjects from earlier that day. Cas actually did not want to talk about the drugs, undercover work, or any thing that might be too familiar. He wanted to talk about things that were safe. This seemed like it could be difficult since it meant cutting out most conversation paths covering both the past and the present. He wanted to return to the imagined life that he and Dean were creating just a few hours before. Just then Bobby’s dog, Cheney, came over and plopped his enormous head on Cas’ leg.

“Don’t beg.” Bobby barked out at the dog. The dog let out a little whimper and dropped back down to the floor at Cas’ feet. When Bobby turned back to his food, Cas casually dropped a small chunk of burger on the floor for the dog. Cheney swiftly lapped it up and then sat panting at Cas’ side for more. “Now you’ll never get rid of him.”

Cas turned to the dog then, “You are not good at keeping secrets, fellow.” He gave Cheney a pat on the head and tried to ignore his looming presence at his side.

“So, when do you have to get back tomorrow?” Dean asked.

“I am not on any particular schedule. I just need to get home before dark. I don’t think that I am confident enough to do the night riding thing.”

“You seemed like a pro. I don’t think that you would have a problem.” Dean smiled across at him.

“Well, there’s no reason to tempt fate. Was there a reason for me to stay later?” Cas tipped back a little in his seat and took a pull from his bottle of beer.

“Nah, I just wanted to plan out my day.” Dean looked like he was thinking more than he was sharing. Cas glanced over to Bobby. He wondered what Bobby was thinking.

“Well, leaving early also seemed like a way of saying thanks to Bobby, here. He has been plenty accommodating to me. I don’t need to overstay my welcome.”

Bobby tipped his head up from his food at that and said, “Well, now, Cas, that makes me sound like a piss poor host. Did I miss the part where I made you feel unwelcome?”

“Uh, no. Sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I was just trying to be polite.” Cas felt an awkwardness descend upon him.

Luckily Dean piped in on his behalf. “You know what he meant Bobby.” He turned to Cas then and added, “Besides, you likely need some down time at home. I imagine that you are going to be meeting with M again on Monday huh?”

“Well, she seems like a pretty regular fixture around my office lately.” Cas didn’t want to offer up too much on the subject as it was too close to everything that he could not discuss with Dean.

“Does she like working for Lucky?” Dean asked.

“I think so. I am not sure though. I think that she is good at what she does and that Lucky gives her a sense of purpose.” Cas looked over to Bobby who was finishing off the last bites of his burger. “At least she isn’t like the other two that Lucky could have stuck me with.”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked.

“Well, he had three associates with him when we first met to go over the case that we are working on. M was one of the associates. The other two were R and A.”

“What’s the deal with the letters instead of names? That’s just weird.” Bobby wondered aloud.

“Well, Lucky calls them his arm, because of the letters. I think that he named them, at least that is what happened with M.” Cas offered.

“So what is wrong with the other two? You said that M was better than them.” Dean redirected back.

“They were different. M is real. She seems to care about people, despite the airs that she puts on. R seemed to be a little cold, but I didn’t really talk to her. But you know how you just get that vibe from someone. I feel like she is not the kind of person that I would want to know.” Cas paused to take a bite of his burger which he washed down with some of his beer.

Dean leaned forward onto the table a little. “What about the other one? A.”

Cas felt as though Dean was not having a casual conversation. It felt like he was focused on some fine point, like he was looking at something that only he could see. Cas gave him a thoughtful stare and answered, “I don’t think that A is the kind of man one would want to meet. That man is dead inside. When I met him, all I wanted to do was retreat out of the room. His eyes had a look in them that said that he had no problem cutting into you. Lucky pretty much implied that this was A’s purpose.” Cas noticed the way that Dean’s muscles seemed to tense up in his forearms.

“Why did Lucky have you meet him?” Dean tried to sound casual, but it came out forced.

“I think to send a message. I am working on a rather big case for him. A was there to let me know the consequences of a mistake.” 

“Are you comfortable with that? It sounds like you were being threatened.” Dean’s jaw seemed to clench as he asked.

“It was all so subtle, that I hadn’t really thought about it much. I don’t think that I have anything to worry about. Besides the fact that I am good at my job, I don’t think that I am going to get beaten or whatnot for doing legal work for them.”

“Do you remember that story that Lucky told about how he got his name? I wouldn’t put it past him.”

“Now who’s the worrier?” Cas smirked. 

Bobby got up then and said, “Well, boys, I made a spectacular meal, if I do say so myself. So, you two get to do the dishes. I’ll be out on the porch reading, so don’t bug me.” He smiled at them both and headed out.

“You dry. I’ll wash.” Dean tossed him a dish towel.

\---  
After they finished washing the dishes Dean started yawning. “Are you taking a shower tonight, Cas?”

“Yeah, why?” Cas threw him a questioning look. 

“I just need to get cleaned up before bed. I was wondering if I should head up first or you.” Cas wondered if Dean was trying to hint at something.

“Well, I don’t mind going up first. I won’t take long.” Cas smiled at Dean and headed past him to the stairs. He turned at the stairs and glanced back at Dean. He was watching him with mild amusement playing out on his face. “What are you staring at?”

“Just watching you go.” Dean smiled back. Then he turned and went out onto the porch where Bobby was still reading.

When Cas stepped into the shower and the first blast of warm water poured over his skin, he felt as if it was washing away the mess that was the last 24 hours. He ran his hands up over his face and back into his hair. The warmth spread up and over him in a kind of embrace. He could imagine all of the troubles that had formed in his mind slowly trickling down his body and away through the drain.

He finished up quickly and towelled off. He wanted to be sure to leave enough hot water for Dean. He padded out of the bathroom, back to his room, and over to the suitcase. He found his sleep sweats and a new tee-shirt and put them on before heading back downstairs.

He wondered if they were still out on the front porch. As he approached the bottom of the stairs he heard them talking outside. The door to the front porch was open with just the screen door keeping the bugs at bay.

Dean’s voice rose up from the quiet. “And what would that accomplish, Bobby? Really? You act like you don’t know what is at stake here.”

“And you are acting like an idiot.” Bobby’s gruff voice practically growled out.

“Really? I could lose everything, Bobby. All of the years of effort, gone. Just like that, it would all be over.”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be. Maybe you should give him a chance.” Bobby sounded resigned though, like he knew that his words were falling on deaf ears.

“No. I couldn’t do that to him. It is bad enough with Sam. At least with Sam it is technically his fight. We owe this to her, and we are going to make good. But that doesn’t mean that we drag other people into our messes.” Dean sounded a little resigned too.

“Maybe, Dean, he wants to be dragged into your mess.” Bobby paused in his speech then continued a moment later, “Or maybe I have been misreading you. Maybe you are concerned that he shouldn’t be trusted with certain information.” He paused again, then, “Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to assume that he isn’t already knee deep in this too.”

“What are you saying, Bobby?” Dean sounded irritated now.

“I’m saying, how well do you really know this guy? Are you sure that you can trust him?”

“Of, course I trust him. He saved Sammy. Do you know what kind of guy does what he did? I’ll tell you, an honest guy, a trustworthy guy. He’s a good man. I can tell.”

“Well, there you go then.” Bobby let out a sigh. “Talk to him, Dean. Let him make his decisions.”

Dean let out a sigh, “It could ruin his career.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?”

“Among other things. You heard what he said about that guy? I can’t put him at risk.”

“Sam seems to be managing. Why should Cas be any different? He seems like a tough enough guy. Stop acting like he might break.” He waited a beat then asked, “Are you worried about something else?”

Dean didn’t answer right away. After the silence had stretched on long enough Dean said, “What if I’m wrong about him? What if he doesn’t do the right thing? What then?”

“I am having a hell of a time following you, Dean. First you say, you trust him, he’s honest, he’s good. Next, you say he’s maybe going to fail at being all of that. Make up your damn mind.” Bobby sounded like he was getting up. Cas decided to make noises like he was just coming down the stairs. He ran his hand up through his hair and went out onto the porch.

“Hey, Dean. I think that I left you enough hot water.” Cas was having a hard time making eye-contact.

“Oh, uh, thanks.” Dean was looking anywhere but at Cas’ face. “Well, I’m heading up. See you in the morning, Bobby.”

“Night, Dean.” Then Bobby turned to Cas, “You going off to bed now too, or are you going to sit out here for a spell?”

“I think that I’ll join you.” Cas said to Bobby, then looked over at Dean who was already headed into the house. “I’ll see you up there in a bit, Dean.” Dean grunted back at him in response in order, it seemed, to avoid acknowledging the sleeping arrangement that he would not talk about in front of Bobby.

Cas sat in the wicker chair across from where Bobby was standing and looked out into the dark yard, waiting for Bobby to speak. The silence though, surrounded them, and the night was thick and palpable. He could feel the weight of it gripping his chest. He should not have eavesdropped, but he couldn’t change that now. Instead, he could just sit here waiting for the feeling to pass, waiting for Bobby to talk, waiting for his life to grow simple again. So he waited in the dark, but, at least this time in the dark, he was not alone.

\---

“So you hear enough?” Bobby finally broke the silence.

“What?” Cas looked up at him with surprise.

“You heard me. I heard you skulking around in there. Not sure how much you heard, but I reckon that it was plenty.” Bobby leveled his stare on him.

“It was.” Cas stated in a flat monotone. “It seems like you both have some questions about my character, and about my safety.”

“Yes. Well, I thought that your character was fine until I heard you come down the stairs to eavesdrop.”

“I didn’t come down to eavesdrop; it just happened. Look, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to do that. I should have made myself known.”

“But then how would you learn anything about the company that you keep.” Bobby came over and sat next to Cas in another chair. “So, there is a way around all of this cloak and dagger stuff.”

“Really, because I was just getting use to spending most of my time in the dark.” Cas smirked over at him.

“You don’t have to pretend with me. I am quite certain that you have put the pieces together a little. I think that you know more than you can let on.” Cas started to interrupt him, but Bobby raised a hand to continue, “Like I said there is a way around all of this confusion. You want answers, you should talk to Sam. He can share stuff with you that Dean can’t. Talking with Sam is also safe because you won’t have to worry about breaching the attorney/client privilege rules, since he is one of their lawyers too.”

“What would Sam be able to tell me?” Cas wondered aloud.

“He could maybe make you see the merits of turning a blind eye to the investigation that Dean is doing even if you find it getting a little too close to home.” Bobby sent him a pointed glance.

“I am not going to betray my clients. I have an ethical obligation.” Cas looked appalled by what Bobby was suggesting.

“I’m not telling you to do any such thing. I only suggested that you talk to Sam. He’s better at this communicating thing than I am anyways.”

“I mean it though, Bobby. I am not comfortable with betrayal. My clients trust me, with good reason.”

“So, I suppose that your clients wouldn’t mind that your date to that fancy party last weekend was someone that never would have gotten access to that lion’s den on his own.” Bobby looked off into the dark then and Cas felt his muscles tense up.

“What are you saying? Are you saying that he went with me to Ezra’s because he was on the job?” Cas was feeling a growing knot of irritation brewing in his stomach. Dean didn’t even want to go to this party. Why am I believing this? But then Cas remembered John’s journal. Surely, Dean knew about Ezra Brady. Surely, Dean had read the same notes that Cas had, maybe even a hundred times.

Bobby interrupted his train of thoughts. “I don’t think that he wanted to go. However, it certainly afforded him an opportunity.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?”

Bobby didn’t answer right away, but Cas didn’t mind waiting him out. After a few moments he said, “Secrets hurt people. Sometimes they even get people killed. I’m a fan of spoilers, and if Dean can’t share certain things with you, well then it is my duty to send you down the right path toward truth. I saw you two together the other night, and Sammy gave me a little head’s up last week. I want Dean to be happy. He won’t be if you two start off wrong.”

“What do you mean by starting off wrong?” Cas was calming down a little. He was still feeling the knot in his stomach that came with maybe being manipulated. He wondered if Dean had used him to gain access to Ezra’s party and its attendees.

“Dean has struggled for as long as I have known him. He has struggled to just be in a world full of darkness. He had to deal with a father that forgot how to love. He had to deal with being a type of father figure to Sam. He never had an opportunity to just live. It quickly became all duty and sacrifice for him. He gave up on trying to connect with people. It became more important to just save people, thus the job choice. He needs to be reminded what it means to live in the world. He needs to actually be with someone that makes him remember what’s worth saving, and what’s worth living for. Because when this case ends for him, and it will, soon, if he doesn’t have something worth living for, well...”

“So, I get to be that for Dean? Is that what you think?” Cas stared back at him.

“Seems so. I wouldn’t have guessed someone like you would be the type for someone like Dean, but to each their own.” Bobby smiled a half smile that extended a little to his eyes.

“So you approve, sort of?” Cas smiled back.

“Meh, I think you can probably do better, but I can’t say that because I am loyal.” Bobby got up then. “Do talk to Sam, though. Let him fill in the gaps. There’s a lot that I reckon you don’t know. Even I don’t know everything.”

“These Winchesters and their secrets, huh?” Cas followed Bobby in.

“You don’t say. Makes you almost wanna run for the hills.” Bobby turned up the stairs.

“Nah, at least not yet.” When they got to the top of the stairs Cas said, “Good night, Bobby.”

“Good night, Cas. Tell Dean good night too.” Bobby headed down the hall to his room and Cas opened the door to his. Across the room sitting in the moonlight was Dean. There were still so many questions, but for now there was just the night, this room, the moonlight streaming through the open window, and Dean, a glowing presence in the dark. Cas didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but for now there was this, and he was going toward it.


	41. You're the Inspiration

Cas awoke the next morning in a knot of Dean. This sort of sleeping arrangement would take some getting use to. He hadn’t yet opened his eyes, but he could feel that Dean was awake. His fingers were tracing paths up and down his arm. Cas cracked open his eyes then and looked into Dean’s face which was right in front of his. “Finally.” Dean smiled. “I thought that you would never wake up.”

“Uh, sleep more.” Cas closed his eyes again and pressed his head in closer to Dean.

“No, you slept enough, wake up.” Dean kissed his head and rolled onto him a little more.

“What time is it?” Cas was waking up more by the second.

“Probably 8ish. I don’t know. My phone is on the nightstand.”

Cas reached over a lazy arm and swished it about over what felt like the nightstand until he came to the phone. He handed it to Dean. “So, just how early is it really?” He asked as Dean checked.

“That’s not important.” Dean put the phone back on the nightstand.

Cas laughed at him. “Really, what ungodly hour is it?”

“It might be 6.” Dean rolled back to his side a little, but Cas didn’t quite let him. “I have been awake forever. I totally thought that it was later.”

“Anymore awesome dreams to share?” Cas played with the hair at the back of Dean’s head and pressed a light kiss to his shoulder.

“Those faded away hours ago.” Dean moved one of his hands down to Cas’ thigh and pulled it up to him more, rolling a little on top of him. “Do you really need more sleep?”

Cas faked a yawn and stretched out under Dean. He closed his eyes and pretended to be drifting off. “So, tired. Just can’t seem to stay awake.” He was donning the voice of every overacted death scene found in the movies. Each word was stilted and he was having trouble keeping the smile off of his face. His troubles increased though as he felt a rough hand moving up his thigh to a more central location. He would have trouble now convincing Dean that he was not awake.

“Really, Cas. I think that you are quite awake.” Dean smirked at him. Cas smiled back and there was no reason to pretend anymore. They moved together more. Dean’s bare chest pressed down to his. Dean’s necklace was creating a little knot of pain so Cas reached up and moved it aside. Dean sat up then, one leg on either side of Cas. He reached back behind his neck and undid the necklace. He reached down with it and put it on Cas, reaching behind his neck to fasten it. “It looks better already.”

“It looked good on you.” Cas reached up and touched it. He had missed the feel of it around his neck this past week. It was kind of like having a little bit of Dean with him even when he was miles away.

“I want you to have it.” He seemed to notice the surprise on Cas’ face, “At least for now. I think that it is easier to get through the week if you have a little something to look at as a reminder. It’s why I wanted the picture before.”

“Well, that worked out well for you didn’t it?” Cas laughed as he remembered just how bad the picture was that Gabe sent to him, not to mention the extras that Gabe sent.

“Might have to take another one.” Dean reached over and plucked up his phone again.

“No, way.” Cas batted at his phone holding arm. “I am so not letting you take a picture of me like this.” Cas swiftly flipped Dean off to the side of the bed and pulled the blankets up over his face.

Dean laughed at him and pulled at the blankets, “Challenge accepted.” The sheets and blankets were becoming a jumbled heap around them, but Cas held part of them firmly to his face. “You can’t fight this Cas.” Cas laughed a little but it was muffled beneath the blankets.

“I can, and I will. Nothing good can come of that picture. You should wait until I am actually up and dressed.” Cas could tell that Dean was not giving up, but instead he was changing tactics. Dean’s face was pressed down into his neck now. The rough scrape of his stubble sending a rush through him. The press of his lips moved slowly down the length of his neck toward his pulse point. His grip on the blanket was loosening. Dean’s hands slowly ran up his sides sending his skin into convulsions. He could feel Dean moving away from his neck now and down to his chest. Dean’s hands now moved up to Cas’ shoulders and down his arms. Cas no longer held the blanket in place, but his face was still covered.

Dean made his way to Cas’ stomach then. Cas felt the blanket slide slowly away. He opened his eyes and looked down at Dean while he pressed his lips into a pattern covering every square inch of his stomach. Then Dean looked up at him and raised his lips from their path. His grin was at once mischievous and everything that Cas had come to believe was sexy. Cas sent him what he hoped was the same grin. He was angling for devil-may-care, but felt that he might not have hit the mark the way that Dean had. As he did this, though, Dean’s hand raised and he snapped the picture. “Gotcha.”

“Cheater.” Cas allowed his head to slip back.

Dean came up to his face. “Are you complaining?” He leaned down and pressed a kiss into his lips to stall an answer.

“Hmm, you never fight fair” Cas kissed him back.

“Like I said, are you complaining?” Dean laughed a little and they continued this volley of kisses and comments until there was nothing else that needed to be said, but much that could be done.

\---

Cas and Dean decided to make breakfast. They made their way downstairs some hours later, hoping to get it all done before Bobby chose to get up. It would be hard to beat the king of the early risers, but Dean said that he would at least appreciate the effort. Turned out that Bobby had already been up for awhile and had made coffee. He was sitting at the table reading from a tattered old book.

“Morning old man.” Dean tossed off jovially as he made his way over to the fridge.

“Seriously, I am not that old. I could pass for your brother.” Bobby took a gulp of coffee.

“Yeah, much, much older brother.” Dean chuckled as he pulled out the breakfast ingredients. He and Cas had formed a plan for the breakfast duties before coming downstairs, and each fell into his role. 

“Good morning, Bobby.” Cas sat across from him and began peeling potatoes. 

“Morning, Cas. Ready for the ride home?” Bobby grunted out barely looking up from his book.

“I think so. Figure, I’ll head out after breakfast. I might stop by Sam’s on the way back, just to say hi.” Bobby looked up at Cas’ words. The knowing glance was exchanged, without Dean seeing it. At least now Bobby would know that he had taken his advice about talking to Sam.

“I went out and took a look at the bike. Looks like Dean did a good job.” Bobby’s voice was light and full of pride. Why couldn’t this man be Dean’s father? How different things would have been.

“I am pretty lucky. I would have just let the bike rot, I think. Dean was pretty determined to do this, though.” Cas noticed Dean’s glance back at him. He seemed happy. The moment was warm and comfortable.

“Sounds like Dean. Once he gets something in his head, he’s like a dog with a bone. He’s a handy guy to have around the shop that’s for sure.”

Dean decided to speak up then. “You two could stop the Dean love fest anytime you know. It is getting all kinds of awkward for me.” Cas could see the smile curling up the side of Dean’s mouth though. Cas stopped peeling the potatoes now and began chopping them up into small pieces just like the other day. 

Bobby had returned to his reading and Cas enjoyed the moment. Bobby broke the silence as Cas was finishing the chopping. “So, I guess I’ll be seeing a lot more of you around here now.” 

Cas got up with the potatoes to deliver them to the pan that Dean had prepared on the stove. “What makes you say that? You think that I’m going to need some follow-up on the bike?” Cas sent back the questions over his shoulder.

“Nah, just seemed like you might want to visit Dean sometimes when he has work to do for me on the weekends. I have a lot of weekend jobs that he normally would be doing. This weekend was a rare light one. I plan to put him to work later today though.” Cas could tell that Bobby was trying to make it clear that he understood their relationship. He was doing this with both parties in the room, it seemed, so that there could be no future awkwardness. Of course, with Dean, comfort would always be a hard won prize.

Dean was shifting about in a way that told Cas that this was making him feel uncomfortable. “Would you mind if I came back here from time to time while you worked?” Cas looked over at his face while he asked.

“Of course not.” He muttered almost inaudibly toward the cooking eggs. “You’re good company and marginally helpful.” Dean turned to him a little with a half smile, trying to lighten the mood with humor.

Cas tossed an arm around Dean’s waist then in a half hug, and said over to Bobby, “Ah, did you hear that Bobby? I’m marginally helpful.”

Bobby laughed at him. “Cut it out you two. You’re going to make me throw up from all this sappiness. And I aint even had my breakfast yet.”

Dean made a slight move to the side and slipped free from Cas’ arm. “Don’t blame me. I’m just trying to get breakfast ready. Cas apparently wants to distract me so I burn your bacon.”

“Yum, burnt bacon.” Bobby muttered.

“Blech.” Cas replied returning to his seat.

“Bobby, can you believe that Cas here doesn’t like bacon? Seriously, can you even imagine not liking bacon?” Dean stirred up the eggs one final time and then brought the pan over to the table.

“Sounds like you are dating a real weirdo, Dean. It’s still early though. You can probably escape before you get too committed.” Bobby laughed at the look of surprise on Dean’s face. Dean apparently thought that he had redirected the conversation away from his relationship. 

Cas looked up at Dean and said, “You heard the man. You could still get away. You planning on escaping me and my bacon-hating ways?”

Dean ducked his head sheepishly and walked back over to the stove. “Nah, I think that I’ll just stick it out and try to reform you.” 

Cas was smiling again. It felt like his face was going to crack. It was funny how such a moment of banter could mean so much more than the simple words that were spoken. Dean’s words were an approximation of affection that, for them, was progress. It was progress not for the words, but for the fact that Bobby was in the room when they were spoken. Bobby went back to reading his book, ignoring the incredibly happy Cas sitting across from him. Dean kept cooking away with his back to them. He began humming an unfamiliar tune. Cas filed it all away in a happy mental file. He planned to revisit this simple moment again and again over the next week. Dean is happy, and I had something to do with that.


	42. Riders on the Storm

Dean was carrying his suitcase down to the shop while Cas walked along at his side. Bobby was holed away in some distant part of the property, working on one of the cars. They had already exchanged goodbyes. Dean had explained that he would need to bungee the suitcase to the back of the bike’s seat. He had only chastised Cas a little about the overpacking. “Next time use a duffle bag. It is easier to haul on your ride.”

Cas gave him a little salute and said, “Yes, sir.” Dean had to chuckle at that. When they reached the shop Cas asked, “So, what are your plans this week?”

Dean set down the bag and stretched out his arms over his head in a way that was relaxed and attractive to Cas. “I have some work of the non-Bobby variety this week. Pretty much every day.”

“Hmm, does that mean that you’ll be in the city?” Cas cocked his head to the side raising one eyebrow with the move.

“Not particularly, but I’ll be close enough to justify a visit or two. Of, course, only if you are up for company.” Dean popped on the radio that was up on the shelf and Reo Speedwagon was playing Keep on Loving You. “Of course, every time you are around me, my life gets filled with sappy love songs.” Dean was about to change the station when Cas interrupted his progress by walking in front of him. He reached out and took his hands, moving Dean into a little dance.

“Hey, don’t knock the Speedwagon. This is good stuff.” He placed Dean’s hands on his shoulders and moved his hands around Dean’s waist. “Your music isn’t good for dancing. Mine is.”

“This is your music, huh?”

“Totally. I like non-sappy songs too, though. So, don’t think that you have me all figured out yet, Dean Winchester.” He smiled up at him as Dean pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Wouldn’t want you to think that I had suddenly become all predictable and boring.” 

“Never.” Dean laughed a little softly into Cas’ hair. “Are you happy Cas?” He leaned back a little and looked into Cas’ eyes.

“Yes, Dean. You?” 

“Yes.” The song ended and Dean stepped over to the suitcase and the bike. He began strapping the item down with a few lengths of bungee cords that Bobby had in the shop. The fastening of the case looked complex and stable. He would not have to worry about it flying off while he rode. “Okay, Cas. You are all set.”

Cas threw his leg over the seat and started up the engine. He felt the desire to stay a little longer, but he knew that visiting with Sam would take some time. Dean was holding his helmet for him. “Well, I guess I’m ready for that.” Cas gestured toward the helmet.

Dean leaned toward him and said, “This first.” He pressed a kiss to Cas’ lips holding his face with his free hand. It was slow and deep. Cas reconsidered his departure. I could just leave for work from here tomorrow morning. Dean broke the kiss first. He put the helmet on Cas’ head and fastened the chin strap. “You look pretty damn cute, you know.” Dean stepped back as he made his assessment.

Cas blushed and looked away. “Shut-up.” Cas began backing out of the shop then. “If you get bored, come see me. I’ll keep the guest room available for you.” Cas tried to look serious.

“Really, I’ll be relegated to the guest room, huh?” Dean laughed at him.

“Maybe. But only if you wait too long to show up. I have a really uncomfortable couch that I’ll give you if you wait ‘till Thursday.” 

“What if I wait ‘till Tuesday?” Dean asked in mock seriousness.

“Oh, Tuesday gets you deluxe accommodations and maybe a movie. I heard that Army of Darkness was the third film in a trilogy. So, maybe we should watch part one or two.”

“You are seriously the best boyfriend in the known world. I’ll see you Tuesday with The Evil Dead.” On that note, Cas rolled out of the yard and toward the main road, throwing back a slight wave as he went.

\---

He hadn’t warned Sam that he was coming. Cas worried that Sam would think of a reason to put this off. There were definitely things that he needed to learn, and Sam was the one to get the information from. The afternoon sun was beating down on him and the wind was buffeting his face. He could feel beads of sweat trickling down his back. He turned down Sam’s driveway and saw, as he approached the house, Sam’s long frame stretched out on the front porch. His legs were angled up onto the railing. He was tipped back in a chair with a bottle of water in his hand.

Cas cut the engine and popped off his helmet. “Hey, Cas. Fancy seeing you here.” Sam lowered his legs, got up, and walked out to greet him. Cas felt like Sam wasn’t too surprised to see him.

“What, did Bobby tell you I was stopping by, or was it Dean?”

“Bobby may have mentioned it, but I talked to Dean too. Dean told me some interesting things.” Sam said with a smirk. “So, got yourself a fancy, motorcycle fixing boyfriend huh?” Sam handed Cas a second water that he had carried down with him from the porch. 

Cas beamed over at him. “So, he told you?”

“Yep. It wasn’t what I would call a conversation, mind you, but it was definitely informative.” Sam directed Cas back up to the porch. “You’re a freakin’ miracle worker, Cas. Don’t know how you do it. Color me impressed.” 

Cas laughed a little and said with bravado, “I take all the credit. I am just too good.” Cas plopped himself down on the porch swing and started a slow rock back and forth. He felt a little giddy and had to force himself to keep the swinging at a reasonable pace.

“So, you want to talk about Niveus, I take it?” Sam suddenly became more serious. He looked steadily at Cas. 

“Yes, I have a lot of questions, but I don’t know where to begin.” 

“Well, Bobby got me up to speed on what you have been told. He mentioned that I need to help you see things that will clarify the big picture.”

“Well, let’s start there. Do you know who killed your mother and who released the Alpha, Venom stuff?” Cas certainly wasn’t easing into the shallow waters. Sam shifted about a little as if worrying over his answer.

“It isn’t perfectly clear who killed my mom. The list of suspects is short though. I’d rather not say until Dean gets all the evidence together. No sense in tainting your view of someone until then.”

“You think that it is someone that I know?” Cas looked shocked by the information.

“Yes, I do.”

“Then I should know. I don’t want to be worrying about some killer every time I meet up with a client.”

“You don’t need to worry. I have checked your schedule, and you don’t have any meetings planned with any of the suspects this week.”

“Great, Sam. Good to know.” The sarcasm was heavy in his tone. “What can you tell me then?”

“How about a history lesson?” Sam offered.

“Fun.” Cas was still ladeling out the sarcasm. It was frustrating to him that answers were slow in coming.

“Well, you don’t have to be rude. Anyway, Niveus has been around for about thirty years give or take. They started out pretty small as most companies do. They focused primarily on viruses. They had a research facility in Zaire.” He paused a moment and looked at Cas. “Stop me if you already know all this.”

“This is mostly new to me. Continue.” Cas leaned forward, taking it all in.

“Well, they had recruited a young genius straight out of college named Luc Mirov. He came to the U.S. for school, but he started off in Russia. He had been fascinated by the first outbreak of Ebola. That happened in the mid 1970s. He was looking into the transmission of the virus and possible vaccines to utilize on it. While doing this research in Zaire, he managed to create a different drug.” 

“Let me guess, Alpha.” Cas interrupted.

“Ding, ding, ding. You got it.” Sam nodded as he continued. “So, the drug was not very exciting to the Niveus board though. They needed something that they could market. So, Mirov continued working with the same strain until he had come up with a variant on that drug that worked as an anticoagulant. He theorized that it could be used with victims of strokes. Niveus found its drug then. Now, Mirov assumed that he was going to get a sizable cut of the profits on this. I mean, after all, the drug would not have existed if it weren’t for him.”

“Seems reasonable.” 

“Yeah, except that the board didn’t see it the same way. They were already paying him a very large salary, and the facility wasn’t exactly cheap to operate. They felt that they didn’t need to pay out any more. They did, however, give him a little bonus.”

“How much?” Cas wondered aloud.

“Six figures.” Sam rolled an eyebrow up with his response. “Luc viewed it as an insult. The drug was going to make them so much money. It inevitably put Niveus on the map.”

“So what happened next?”

“This is where it gets unclear, so bare with me. Some stories say that he got angry and flew back to the States to confront the board. I never saw any evidence of that though. Other stories show him coming back to the States and then disappearing, never cashing the bonus check that he was given. There is some evidence of that. The check was never cashed. Don’t know for sure if he came here though.”

“Strange. Where is he now?” Cas remembered seeing the notation about Mirov’s death in John’s journal, but he couldn’t mention that.

“Hold up. You are getting ahead of me. The story that I found the most interesting was the one that involved his research disappearing. He had all of these test animals. He had bats and primates to the rafters in his facility, and when he left, they were all gone. He had released them.”

“Were they infected?” Cas’ brows knit together as he asked.

“Likely. A secondary strain of the virus showed up in the mid-90s. I believe that he set that off when he released those animals.”

“God, that is horrible. All of those people.” Cas shuddered with concern. “So, you said that he may have come to the U.S.?”

“Yeah, I think that he made a stop over here, but that he didn’t stay long. He made some new friends in South America. There are reports of his death in ‘99, but no body, just paperwork. And that can be faked.”

“You think that he is still alive?”

“Don’t know. It isn’t something that I have been able to uncover. Dean has been looking into this for longer than I have, and even he is in the dark.” Cas took a sip of his water and leaned back in his chair.

“So, do you think that he is responsible for Little Tommy’s death?” Cas wondered if Sam would answer. It seemed like most of his questions lead to answers that were a little disconnected.

“I think that he worked with a cartel in South America to distribute the drug here. I think that he was making the drug with them for distribution on the streets here. I think that he certainly has some responsibility for Little Tommy’s death and maybe my mom’s too; however, I don’t see where it would benefit him to go after mom. I mean, so what if she discovers that the drugs link back to him or his new friends. What does he care? I just can’t seem to see a clear motive for the guilty party. Dean will figure it out though.”

Cas sat there for a time in silence looking out on the sun-drenched front yard. In the distance there were clouds rolling in. Sam did not interrupt his thoughts and instead stared out in the same direction. After a time, Cas spoke, “Are you being careful, Sam? I mean, are you staying professional?” Cas didn’t know how to ask what he wanted to ask and hoped that this was subtle enough to not be considered rude. He wanted to ask if Sam was being careful about how much he shared with Dean. The information that he was gaining through his work with Cas on the Niveus case needed to be kept confidential. If he were to share it with Dean, he could be disbarred.

“Are you asking me if I share information with Dean, or if I am being careful about what I share with Dean?” Sam made eye-contact with Cas and did not break the stare. It was as if he were daring Cas to challenge him, to tell him that he was wrong.

“I think that I have my answer then.” Cas paused a moment, considering an avenue for his next words.

“I have been careful though, Cas. No one would ever be able to tell.”

“How much have you told him?” Cas was worried. He knew that nothing this big would stay secret for long. It isn’t like Sam was hiding his relationship with his brother. When it came out that Dean was a cop, as it would, the link would easily be made to his source. Cas shuddered at the thought that it would be likely that a connection would be made to him too. That he would be viewed with guilt, despite his innocence.

Sam stood up and leaned on the porch railing. He did not answer Cas’ question directly. “She was my mother, Cas. When we lost her, we lost so much more. This matters a million times more than my career or anything else. I’ve told Dean everything that I could. I haven’t held anything back.” He stopped abruptly and turned to Cas, “So, the question that I have for you is, are you going to do anything about this?”

And there it was, the million dollar question. Would he do anything about it? Would he find it more appropriate to just pretend that everything was fine. Nothing to see here. “What should I do, Sam?”

“I can’t tell you, Cas. You have to make up your own mind. I can only ask that you clue me in before you do anything. I can only ask. I know that you don’t owe me anything.” Sam looked like he expected Cas to turn him in right then and there.

Cas did not know what to do. The situation was all sorts of wrong. He would not be able to get out of this unscathed. He was dating Dean. He was Sam’s friend. Sam has been filling Dean’s head full of confidential information. At this point he could see a future in which he was disbarred. He could see himself losing everything that he had worked so hard for. Yet in that moment, all he could do was look at Sam’s dejected form and wonder. Cas wondered how he could betray him. He wondered how he could turn his back on his friend. Plus, there was one more niggling fact that he needed. “So, Sam. When you decided to get Dean to come out to the bar, you intended for him to meet me, right?”

“Yes, you know that I did. Why are you asking?” Sam seemed to be confused by the change in the conversational track.

“Bare with me. I want to know why you wanted him to meet me so much? Was there more to it? Was there a greater reason?” There Cas had asked what had been eating away at him. It wasn’t perfectly phrased, but there it was. He had this thought that maybe the whole relationship with Dean had been a manipulation of some sorts or another. He thought that maybe these brothers had wanted him to be compromised by the relationship and thus less likely to betray them. It seemed unlikely to Cas. What he felt with Dean was too intense, too real. Dean had bared his soul and Cas had not seen an ounce of guile in that moment. However, there was Sam to consider. Perhaps he had a separate agenda from Dean. He had to know. Sam finally broke through Cas’ thoughts.

“I wasn’t thinking, Cas. Sometimes it is easier to just forget the stuff with mom and just live in the moments with my friends. You are my friend, and I could see how much Dean wanted to know you. I could tell him a story about Gabe and Uriel. I could tell him a story about Anna. None of those stories seemed to catch him the way that the stories that I told about you caught him. If I didn’t mention you in the story, he would ask where you were. Sometimes he would just up and ask about you. I questioned him about it. I was totally subtle too, but he blew me off. Said that he just wanted to know more about the guy that saved his baby brother’s life.”

“How long did this storytelling go on for?”

“Almost the whole time that I have known you. Once, I showed him a picture of all of us that was taken at the holiday party. I am pretty sure that he kept it. I know that I didn’t get it back after I showed it to him.”

“I don’t know what to do, Sam.” Cas locked eyes with him. “I don’t want to hurt you and Dean. I just don’t know how to do the right thing or even what the right thing is. I think that I should remove myself from the case. It would be the ethical thing to do. It is what you should do.”

“It would look weird if we both left the case. Someone would question it.”

Cas considered this before he responded. Perhaps it was only necessary for Sam to be removed from the case. Perhaps he could keep working this thing without compromising his integrity. “Well, you will have to be replaced. I can’t see a way for you to stay on this. I think that I can talk to Zach about bringing Gabe back a week early. I’ll come up with something to explain it. I’ll tell him that I think you have too much on your plate or something.”

“What about you?”

“You and Dean have painted me into a bit of a corner. I don’t think that I can get out of this. It would be incredibly obvious that something was wrong if I left now. I have to ride this out a bit longer. I also cannot share any information with either of you about Niveus after this conversation. I should be angry with you, with both of you. Perhaps that feeling will hit me later. I don’t think that you realize what it will mean, if I lose all of this. If I am disbarred over this, I honestly don’t know what I will do.” Cas stepped over to the stairs his hands clutched into fists at his sides. He stared off at the sky that was filling with clouds to match his mood. 

“I am sorry, Cas. I really am. I wish that I could fix this.” Sam looked like he was sincere.

“I think that I need to get on the road. It looks like a storm is rolling in.” Cas lifted his hand to his forehead to gaze out into the distance.

“Yeah, looks like earthquake weather, you know when it is hot but rainy.” Sam shuffled over to Cas’ side. “You want to just come in and wait it out?”

“No.” Cas made his way to the bike with Sam at his side. He plucked up his helmet and fastened it on his head. “I would rather race it home.”


	43. Don't You Cry

Cas had driven from Sam’s house at a speed that he normally would not find comfortable. He felt though, that it would be better to speed than to be caught in the storm. He was nearly to the city when he felt the first sting of rain on his face. It pierced what warmth he had left. Since he was now alone with his thoughts, it was becoming increasingly difficult to put aside certain things. He was growing more angry with the situation with each passing mile. It was hard for him to see Dean and Sam’s actions as acceptable. Dean had said that he was selfish when he chose to meet him at the bar. Cas had argued with him about this. In Cas’ mind it was not selfish to meet. It was selfish to conduct this investigation while keeping him in the dark. It was selfish for Sam to be sneaking around, getting information, and putting everyone that knows him at risk. Am I just trying to give Dean a pass here? Am I just trying to shift the blame over to Sam? Cas knew that he couldn’t keep plodding forward. He worried that he would have to put the brakes on his relationship with Dean at least until the case could be handed off fully to someone else. Handing off the case though, was something that also filled Cas with a type of guilt. Who deserves this amoral work?

That last thought propelled him into an even greater level of irritation. Then he turned back to thoughts of Dean. Things with Dean were just starting to go right. Life was just starting to feel good again. God, why? Why does this have to be so incredibly complicated. I just want some damn simplicity for once. Cas shifted his thoughts to the house on the hill. In his mind it was no longer empty. There was a long cushy looking couch with his favorite green blanket draped over the side. There was an oblong dining room table with breakfast plates and the remnants of the morning meal laid on it. It all had a homey feel to it. The curtains were pulled back, and he was making his way through the rooms. Warm sunshine was cascading through the windows as he made his way to the back office. He sat at his desk and looked out at Dean’s shop. He was out in front of the roll-up door, leaning into the open hood of his car. His shirt was white and, like all of Dean’s shirts, too tight. Cas imagined him just going about his business and would have continued directing his thoughts down this path had the winds not picked up.

He felt the blast slap him in the face coupled with the stinging rain. He nearly lost control of the bike and came to a skidding halt on the side of the road. I have to focus. He wiped his hands on his pants and shook his head a bit to reinstate his conscious thoughts to their proper place. His breathing was heavy. He felt his heart racing with the sudden adrenaline of the accident that almost was. He took a deep breath and pulled himself together. He eased back out onto the road and began making his way back home.

\---

He arrived home, nearly 15 minutes later. His body felt drenched. He shed his clothes the moment that he got home and threw on sweats and a tee-shirt. When he finished dressing he noticed that his phone had a message. It was from Dean.  
Did you make it home okay?

He noticed that there was another message waiting for him besides the one from Dean. This one was from M.  
So, dinner tomorrow at my place. It is on like Donkey Kong. Yep, I really just said that.

He had to laugh a little. It felt good, especially after the ride home with his thoughts. He decided to reply to M first.  
Sounds good. What time.

M replied back right away.  
Let’s say 6. Then we know that we won’t work too late. See you tomorrow.  
OK

Now that this was taken care of, Cas took care of Dean.  
I am home. I only had one near mishap and it was small.

Dean replied right away.  
What mishap? Are you ok?  
I’m fine. I just lost control for a second and had to pull over. It was nothing.

The phone rang. It was Dean. Cas answered. “Hello, Dean. Really, it was nothing.”

“I just needed to hear you say it was nothing. I couldn’t tell if it was really nothing through texting.”

“I’m fine.”

“So, what happened?” Dean sounded like he was all business and Cas was regretting mentioning the incident. It really wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t know why he had let it rattle him so much.

“There was just a little gust of wind and rain, and I lost control a little. I pulled over though and got myself settled before continuing. It really was nothing. I don’t even know why I mentioned it.”

“I should have borrowed Bobby’s trailer and hauled the bike home for you. You even tried to tell me that you weren’t confident yet.”

“God, Dean. Let it go. It is nothing.” Cas didn’t know why he let himself get irritated, but he was. This was literally the least important thing going on right now, and maybe that was his issue. He just couldn’t deal with anymore. There was silence coming from Dean’s end of the phone. Cas knew that he should say something, but what could he say?

“What’s wrong, Cas?” Dean asked after the silence had stretched on too long.

“I’m just upset. I don’t know what to do. You worrying about me doesn’t help.”

“You want me to stop worrying about you?” Dean sounded like he was confused.

“I spoke with Sam. I need to figure out what to do about our complicated relationship, my job, my friends, my future. I am, to say the least, entirely overwhelmed.” Cas stopped, not wanting to dive into this conversation any further. 

“I understand. I am sorry, Cas. I wish I knew what to tell you.” Dean spoke the words softly. Cas felt bad. 

“I am afraid that the situation that we are in is posing more of a problem than I allowed myself to acknowledge. We might have to deal with the complications coming from our relationship and our jobs sooner rather than later.”

“What are you saying, Cas?” 

“We don’t need to talk about this right now. I can’t deal with this right now.” Cas let the silence linger after that statement. Then he continued, “I just need to know that I am not ruining everything. Right now, no matter what I do, I am going to ruin something.”

“I hope that you know that I understand. If it is too much, you don’t need to continue things with me. I don’t want to ruin your life.”

“God, why is it that you hear me, but you don’t hear me? I am ruining things. I should be able to do the right thing, yet I can’t even figure out what that is.” Cas emphasized his words so that Dean would understand his dilemma. 

“I wish that I could help. Where do we go from here?”

“I wish that I knew. I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t know how to keep my job and you at the same time. I need a little time to wrap my head around this, and I might need to have that time come with a little distance. Can we just not talk about it anymore tonight?”

“Fine. No matter what, I’ll still want this. Just so you know. Whatever you decide, I’ll understand, but it won’t change how I feel.” Dean said the last in a subdued manner.

“How do you feel?”

“That is a conversation for another day. I want you to figure out your end of things first. Tell me what you want, when you figure it out.” 

“I will. Bye, Dean.” Cas felt like it was more than a momentary goodbye. He nearly choked on the words.

“Later.” Dean’s closing helped. It made him feel like the door was still open for him. He closed his eyes though and willed his emotions back. I will be fine. This will be fine. I will be fine. He lowered the phone from his ear, surveyed his empty-feeling home, and contemplated his next move.


	44. Another Day

Cas sat at his desk, pretending to work, but he was accomplishing nothing. M was doodling on a legal pad at the conference table, ignoring him. He was looking at a document that essentially said that the case was being dropped. He had read it five times. Actually, he had read the first paragraph five times. It was sudden. “Why would the they drop the case? I just don’t get what had changed in this situation.”

“Not my concern. Just be happy about it. Less work for you. I guess all of your preliminary work was enough.”

“I only sent over the one letter. I hardly think that that had anything to do with this.” Cas got up and walked over to the table. 

“I think that they saw where this was heading and decided that you would be able to handle this case. You are actually better at this than I had realized before. Niveus was right to hire you. I guess now, there's just the clean up, and then maybe they'll move you into a new case.” M was scrutinizing his reaction with a raised brow. “So, why so glum, chum? You seem like somebody just killed your favorite puppy.”

Cas cocked his head to the side and replied, “Do I seem that bad? I thought that I was covering quite well.”

M laughed. “Yeah, you were totally not looking depressed at all. Really, though, why are you upset?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Chalk it up to relationship problems, and fill in the gaps of this story with whatever you choose to imagine. It will likely be more amusing than anything I can share.” 

“Ah, bummer. Trouble in Dean-o paradise. And here I was holding out hope for you two reckless kids. Well, that will likely make it awkward for you with Sam, huh?”

“I hope not.” Cas wanted to redirect, but he realized that it was important to share with M that there would be distance now between himself and Dean. This information may need to get back to the appropriate parties one day and this was a way to set that in motion. He also needed to fix the Sam issue too. “I think that I am going to replace Sam anyway.”

M looked at him like she doubted him. “Really?”

“Really.”

“So, things are really bad with you and Dean? So bad that you can’t even work with his brother?” M waited for his answer with her fingers tented in front of her.

“No, that is just a coincidence. Sam has too much on his plate. I was going to replace him with Gabe anyway. The timing is just, well, awkward. I’m hoping that he doesn’t think that the two situations are connected.” Cas hoped that his explanation would be enough. He really wanted to high tail it away from all talk of the Winchesters. He felt like he could make some statement at any moment that would ruin everything.

Instead M just rolled her lip into a half smile and said, “Well, now I guess that you’ll have more time for morning bar crawls with yours truly.”

“Wow, morning bar crawls, huh? Way to cheer a guy up. Nothing says totally happy, functioning, and stable like a guy that goes on morning bar crawls with his corporate handler.” Cas had to laugh a little at the image that his mind created of he and M dragging each other from one dive to the next.

“Hey, I thought that we were friends now. What’s with this corporate handler business?”

“Still, nothing says future alcoholic like the scenario that you just painted. And yes, you get the friend status, I didn’t mean to demote you.” Cas smiled at her and figured that it was now safe for a redirection. “So, what’s for dinner tonight? I think that I was promised burnt mac-n-cheese?” 

“Oh, we call that blackened mac-n-cheese or cajun mac-n-cheese at my house. It makes it sound planned.” She started scooping up piles of papers and files. “I am going to cut out early, so that I can get a head start on the burning of your dinner. Here.” She passed a slip of paper over to him with an address. “You can show up around sixish. Bring wine.”

“Red or White?” Cas asked.

“Surprise me.” She slipped the pile of work into her satchel and headed for the door. “Later, sugar.”

Cas just laughed at her, and said, “See you at six with a wine to complement the finest cajun cuisine.” Cas watched her as she closed the door and decided to pick out his next task. Should I talk to Sam first or Zach? He wondered if this whole mess could be avoided now. If the case had been dropped, how much more would Niveus really need from them? Maybe he could just keep moving ahead like nothing ever happened. Maybe I could fix things with Dean, pretend things didn’t go all wrong yesterday. Regardless, he knew that he had to get Sam off of any future case that Niveus might come up with for them.

With his decision made, Cas picked up the phone to call Zach and set his plans in motion. By the end of the day he would have Sam out and Gabe in. Hopefully, this was the right thing to do.

\---

The email came through a couple of hours later. It was from Gabe. The subject line read: Miss me, said every baby panda ever…

Cas opened the attachment, which was a video. It was from the night that he had met Dean. They were carrying Cas down the hall to his condo. Uriel was doing most of the lifting along with Sam. Cas looked like dead weight. Dean was walking along behind, looking concerned. “Do you think that we should maybe take him to the hospital? He might have a concussion.” 

Then Gabe piped in from somewhere behind his camera, “No, he is just a bit drunk. Next time try to be a bit more gentle with my drunk friend, Dean.” Gabe sounded like he was joking, but Cas could see the look on Dean’s face. It was a look that spoke of discomfort.

“I didn’t do this to him. He just stood up too fast and cracked his head on my chin.”

“Well, try not to let that happen again. Cas is a delicate flower. We gotta look out for him.” Gabe turned the camera to his face and smirked. The scene cut out then, and Cas was left wondering what the point was.

Then he noticed that there was a second email from Gabe. The subject line merely read: Part II. There was another attachment. Of course, Cas opened this one too.

The scene was from inside of his condo. Dean was not in the scene and neither was Cas. Gabe, Anna, Uriel, and Sam sat at the kitchen table. Gabe had set the camera to record from his countertop. “Now let us convene the first ever meeting of the Awesome-People-Who-Set-Up-Their-Friend-With-A-Romantic-Partner Club.” Gabe used his fist as a gavel and the others hooted with laughter.

“I swear that this is either brilliant, or I am really drunk.” Uriel proclaimed.

“Or both.” Sam added. Everyone laughed.

“So, I will send Cas one video per day. They will remind him of all the fun that he had with your brother, and you will start operation talk to your brother incessantly about his feelings for our friend here.” Gabe directed at Sam.

Anna laughed at them and said, “I will make sure to get Cas thinking about Dean in a less than platonic way. We can talk over lunch or something.”

“I’ll just do what I always do, which involves not talking about Cas’ feelings or anything of that sort. I will however, have fun watching this play out.” Uriel offered. They all laughed again. “Are we sure that they are really interested in each other?”

“Oh, yeah. That is not an issue.” Sam threw out there. “You should have seen what I walked in on out in the alley. They were all up in each other’s personal space. Too bad I didn’t get a memo on that. I could have given them a few more minutes of privacy. Instead, I go banging my way on out there, and Cas ends up with a concussion or something. Not my best moment, I tell you.”

Gabe chimed in again, “So, I heard Dean offer to come back to Cas’ place next weekend to fix a motorcycle. We need to make sure that this happens. That is going to fall on you Sam. Get him here with Cas for the whole weekend. This can’t fail.” Gabe cast his glance around at each of them at the table and proclaimed, “Cupid has nothing on us. We are the only love gods.” Gabe was feeling quite proud of himself. Cas had to smile at his friends and their meddling. 

“Shut the video off. He’s coming back.” Anna said as the sound of the door rattled in the background. Gabe swooped in and the video ended. Cas had to wonder how Gabe would feel now if he knew just how complicated everything had become.


	45. Letting Go of Your Dreams

The house was small, but comfy. He had walked up to the front door and had been greeted by Lil. She offered to carry his wine into the kitchen where her mom was. She was already dressed in footy pjs. “So, are you going to bed really early, Lil?”

 

“No, I just got up from my nap.” Lil set the wine up on the table and Cas noticed the kitchen did not seem to be holding the scent of any recent fires.

 

Perhaps dinner would be less than burnt. He walked over to the counter and threw out a greeting. “Hey, M. How’s it going?”

 

“Great. I am almost done. If you want to grab the salad out of the fridge there, I wouldn’t complain.” She looked up from her cooking.

 

“So, whatcha makin’?” He made his way over to the stove and looked down into the pot.

 

“I really meant it when I said mac-n-cheese.” And sure enough the pot contained mac-n-cheese. Cas laughed a little and walked over to the fridge to retrieve the salad. “I threw some chicken in the oven too. Didn’t want you to think that I was completely low brow.”

 

“I like mac-n-cheese.” Cas took the salad over to the table.

 

“Everyone does, but you don’t invite friends over for a mac-n-cheese dinner. It just isn’t classy.”

 

“Well, M, I guess I just thought that you were already classy enough without all of your fancy foods.” They both laughed. Cas began rummaging around in the kitchen drawers looking for something to open the wine with. Lil was at the table with a mini-bucket of play doh.

 

“What are you looking for, Cas?” M asked.

 

“I just needed something to open up the wine.”

 

“Here.” She reached into a drawer and retrieved the corkscrew. “What kind of wine will we be drinking this evening?”

 

“I brought us a Cab, but it looks like I should have gone with a white given that we are having chicken and mac-n-cheese. Oh, well.”

 

“I hardly think that anyone can judge a wine pairing when mac-n-cheese is involved.” Then M turned to Lil, “Hey, girly, you aren’t playing with that play doh at the kitchen table now are you? I just cleaned that.”

 

“I didn’t take it out of the bucket.” She offered up with doe-eyed innocence. “I was just making fingerprints.” She tipped the bucket of play doh to show Cas and M.  It was pocked with tiny finger holes going deep into the little bucket. Cas joined her at the table. And because he was always a rule follower, he pulled a little of the play doh out and began forming a tiny creature at the table. He rolled the piece in his palm and then using his fingernail, began creating tiny details. He pressed and stretched out parts until he had what looked like a miniature penguin.

 

“Here.” He set it in front of her. She picked it up and scrutinized it closely.

 

“I will call him Cas.” She smiled back at Cas and added, “Cas the Penguin.”

 

“How will I know if you are talking to me or the penguin?” Cas asked.

 

She looked at him like he was the silliest thing she had ever met, “He can’t talk back, so I will just talk to you.” She scooped out a little more play doh and handed it to him. “Make a kitty.”

 

“Say please, goober.” M directed.

 

“Please, goober.” Lil laughed as she said it.

 

“Pardon my child. I forget that I have been raising her with a healthy dose of sarcasm and wit.” Then she turned to Lil and added. “We save those jokes for when it is just us, goober.” She walked over and pressed a kiss to her blonde mop of hair.

 

Lil pushed at Cas’ hand and said, “Can you make a kitty?”

 

“Sure.” Cas rolled the glob in his hand and noticed M was moving the foods over to the table now. He gave the cat a long tail that swooped around its body. “How’s that?” He placed the creature in front of her.

 

“I will call that one Slinky Malinky Cat.” She turned the two creatures toward each other and started making little animal noises for them. Cas got up and began helping M with the setting of the table.

 

“Take your play doh away from the table, Lil.” M made a swishing gesture with her hand, and Lil took the two creatures to the living room. She bounded back into the room moments later.

 

They each took their seats and M started dishing up Lil’s plate and then her own. “Should I pour you some wine, M?” Cas offered.

 

“You know it. Don’t be shy with that pour either.” She smiled over at him.

 

“Why do you call my mom M?” Lil asked.

 

“It’s what I was told to call her.” Cas replied.

 

“You know about my names, hun. I explained about mommy’s work name before.” She used the salad tongs to grab some salad for Lil’s plate.

 

“But you aren’t at work.”

 

“If it makes you feel any better, I can call her something else. What should I call her?”

 

“I don’t know. Kitty.” She laughed then and Cas decided that he could make the name work.

 

“Could you pass the chicken, Kitty?” Cas smirked over at her.

 

“Sure, Penguin-boy.” She passed the tray of chicken over and they laughed and ate. The three of them fell into a comfortable camaraderie as they sat around the table.

 

“So, I guess you won’t have much more that brings you to the office now that the case is over, huh?” Cas wondered aloud.

 

“Oh, there is always something. In fact, I have a meeting with Lucky later in the week to discuss what will come next with us. I turned in the files today with only a little hiccup, but I think that I can get that fixed.” She paused and took a sip from her wine glass before continuing, “I think that Lucky is going to put you on the merger paperwork. That is going to be immense.” M took another sip from her wine glass.

 

“I hadn’t heard about a merger. Why would he want us to handle that?”

 

“You do seem to be good with the financial side of things. Plus, you did a good job once. So, why not see if lightning strikes twice.”

 

Cas felt conflicted. It was nice to be acknowledged for his efforts; however, it was also not the direction he was hoping to go. It was then that he felt the little foot under the table pop him in the shin. “Oops, sorry.” Lil said with a smile.

 

He smiled back. “We’re pretty boring, huh?”

 

“Yeah. I don’t like when mom talks about work. It is not fun.”

 

“What would you like to talk about?” Cas settled all of his attention on Lil.

 

“I got to ride my bike today.” She was scooping forkfuls of mac-n-cheese into her mouth as she spoke.

 

“Really. Do you have training wheels?”

 

“Mom, just took them off. She said that I get to have a bigger bike at Christmas.” Lil seemed excited by the prospect.

 

“I said that maybe we will get you a bigger bike. Let’s see how good you are between now and December.” M’s words were tinged with affection. Their meal continued and eventually they cleared their plates away to the sink. They each made their way to the living room next. Lil plopped herself down in the middle of the living room floor with a box of markers and papers. Cas and M sat on the couch with their glasses of wine.

 

“So, I have been thinking of changing my focus at the firm. It is likely that I will be lightening my case load soon. Would it be unreasonable for me to hand off the Niveus work to one of my colleagues?” Cas was trying to sound casual, as though he was only considering this all in the abstract.

 

“Why would you want to do that, Cas?” M sounded disappointed.

 

“I have just been overwhelmed. I think that I need to find work that doesn’t consume me so much.”

 

“Is this about work or is it about your little relationship problems?”

 

Cas shuddered. “What do you mean?”

 

“You said that you and Dean were having problems. I guess, I just assumed that maybe you were having issues with him more than with work. You always seem so comfortable with your job.” She turned to face him more, pulling one of her legs up underneath her.

 

“That hasn’t helped matters, but it isn’t the only reason. I guess that I just feel a little like the work that I was doing for Niveus was not the most honest work ever. Do you ever feel conflicted about working for them.” _Careful, Cas. This is getting too informative._

 

“Hmm, I don’t know how to answer that.” M looked down at Lil and said to her, “Sweety, could you go up and brush your teeth for bed? You can come back down, but I want you to be all ready for when the time comes.” She threw Lil a wide smile and that seemed to work.

 

“Okay.” Lil sprang up and practically bounced up the stairs.

 

M turned back to Cas then. “They have done a lot for me. Things you don’t know. If it weren’t for Lucky, I would likely be dead right now.”

 

“Do you mean because of your ex and all of that business?” Cas asked.

 

“No, I would have just moved on and dealt with it on my own. That bastard wouldn’t have killed me.” She paused as if debating whether or not to share, then she continued, “I found out a couple of years ago that I am not so well. I won’t bore you with the details, but Lucky got me into an early drug trial that seemed to have helped me. I literally owe my life to him and to the company.” M stared at him steadily but did not continue.

 

“Are you okay now?”

 

“Better than dead. The drugs make things feel functional. Plus, I get to be a mother to Lil. That’s the most important thing. We don’t have anyone else, so I need to live.” She was looking off to the stairs to be sure that Lil was not there.

 

“Really, no one else to help?” Cas wondered how someone could be so utterly alone.

 

“Really. My mom died when I was still in high school. Car accident. I never knew my dad. However, I do know that we were all from a long line of single child households so there were no loving aunts or uncles to cling to. So, yeah, I have Lil and she has me.”

 

“Sounds like a good reason to be loyal to Niveus then.” Cas offered.

 

“Loyalty is one thing, but I think that you asked  if I ever felt conflicted.” M paused again.

 

Cas saw a look that passed over her face and asked, “Do you?” She looked up at him then and he added, “Ever feel conflicted?”

 

She nodded a little. It was almost imperceptible. Then she said quietly, “Sometimes.” She didn’t elaborate at first. Cas saw something like worry fall on her and wondered where her thoughts were going.

 

“M?” He reached out and placed a hand on her arm. “What is it?”

 

“I can’t share. Or maybe I shouldn’t share.” She looked back again at the stairs. “Sometimes I worry about what will happen if they ever get tired of my efforts, or if they decided that I am not doing a passable job. One doesn’t just leave a job like mine, or maybe even yours. You see, we know things. We have read things, and the people that we love need us to keep on keeping on, if everything is going to continue being pleasant.” Cas pulled his hand back from her now.

 

“What are you saying? Are you saying that I can’t leave Niveus, that you can’t leave Niveus?”

 

“I don’t want to leave Niveus, but if I ever did, I doubt that it would be possible. If I were alone, no Lil, maybe I could imagine a life without Niveus, but that is not reality. Quitting would involve a meeting with A, and I am not sure that I have enough health to deal with that.”

 

“But you have considered this option?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Hmm, do you think that it would be too difficult for me to make an escape?”

 

“Maybe. I am not sure. If you handed off the merger case to one of your colleagues, maybe, but I’m not sure how Lucky would feel.”

 

“Did you tell him that I replaced Sam?”

 

“Yes, and he seemed to be okay with that since he already knew Gabe. He had issues with Sam, at first; he thought that he was too green. I don’t see an easy out for you, though. He likes you.” They could hear Lil coming down the stairs now, so they lapsed into silence.

 

“Are you going to sing to me?” Lil asked as she bounded over to the couch.

 

“Maybe after Cas goes home.” M smiled over at Cas.

 

“What, are you shy about your singing voice?” Cas poked at her arm in a lighthearted manner.

 

“No, I don’t believe in torturing my dinner guests.” She laughed a little as she said it.

 

“Is your mom a bad singer?” Cas asked Lil.

 

“No, she is the best.” Lil began pulling M over to the piano. “Do it.” She commanded as she pushed M down with all of her four year old strength. M was complying otherwise she would not have moved.

 

M ran her hands over the keys and then stopped to ask, “What should I play, Lil?”

 

“‘Sleep’. I like when you play that one.” Lil sat next to her on the bench.

 

M laughed. “Just so you know, Cas, I am a bit of a My Chemical Romance fan. I maybe listened to their music on repeat during the entire time that I was pregnant with Lil, so if she turns out jaded, it will be because of that. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I continued to subject her to their upbeat, happy music after she was born too.”

 

“Upbeat, and happy, huh? That’s one way of describing them. I do like them though. No, judgement here.” Cas sent her a half smile and added, “So, I’ll be hearing “Sleep” then?”

 

“Well, kinda. I play it on the piano and sing it a little more softly.” She looked away from him then and Lil leaned into her. M ran her fingers over the keys and a slow melancholy sound tumbled from the instrument.  She began singing a moment later. Her voice was soft yet lush in its depth. Cas felt it wash over him in a way that was warming. It did not sound like the original. The words were dragged along at a slower pace when she spoke them. Midway into the song there was a line, _And through it all how could you cry for me? Cause I don’t feel bad about it. So shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye, and sleep. Just sleep._ She looked over at Cas as she sang the last part. He felt like she wanted him to know something. That perhaps she did not want him to feel bad for her. She had made her choices. He couldn’t accept that though, and stared at her as her song died out, willing her to see some path toward hope. No one should have to be so trapped.

 

When the song ended they sat there for a few moments, the melody still lingering in their minds. “That was beautiful, M.” Cas stood to go. “On that note, I should let you get the wee one off to bed.”

 

“Yeah, she looks like she might be done with us.” Lil did look a little sleepy, but she perked up at the thought that Cas was leaving and that she was being sent to bed.

 

“I’m awake!” She practically fell off of the bench in her effort to show just how awake she was.

 

Cas walked over to her and gave her a little hug. “You’ll have to come over to my house next time. I’ll attempt cooking. It should be fun.” He looked up at M and saw that she was smiling. “Thanks for dinner and well, everything.”

 

‘She leaned over and planted a light kiss on his cheek. “Sometimes I feel like I have known you forever. Do you make everyone feel this comfortable?”

 

He shrugged, not sure how to answer. They walked to the door together. “So, I guess, I’ll see you around then.”

 

“You will.” M assured him. “Unless you find a way to get rid of me.” Cas knew that she really meant Niveus, but he went with her words anyway.

 

“I don’t plan to get rid of you.” He headed out the door and toward his car.

 

“Bye, Cas.” Lil called out to him.

 

“Bye, Lil. See you later.” He waved before they turned to go back into their home, leaving him alone in the night.

 

 


	46. No Escape From the Fate That You Make

Three days. Three days since he had heard his voice. Three days since he had thought things could be fine. Three days since he had known how to hope.

 

His days now seemed to be filled with menial tasks. Well, not so menial, but they felt that way to Cas. He considered going over to Sam's office. He had been avoiding him. The conversation would not be pleasant. He had plowed through Tuesday after the pleasant evening spent with M and Lil. He had pushed aside all thoughts of the evening. He knew that Dean would not be waiting for him when he got home. And he wasn’t. Cas had hoped and not hoped. He had even checked his phone several times, thinking that maybe a brief message exchange might make the situation bearable. He resisted though. He was after all the one that put up the barrier. He was the one that stopped their forward momentum.

 

So, here he was staring down the barrel of day three. There were things that he needed to deal with, but he was determined to keep pushing that all aside. This morning was not going to be as easy as the last, though. It had already been a strange sort of morning. Gabe was back and he made sure that everyone knew it. Cas’ email box was overflowing with baby animal subject lines. He had opened two or three of them before determining that they were all porn. Well, hello to you too. Cas had wanted to get Gabe up to speed, but he wasn’t certain that he could get him to focus if this was where his brain was residing. He decided instead to finally make his way down to Sam’s office. Time to bite the bullet.

 

He knocked at the door and heard Sam’s welcoming call from the other side. He opened the door and said, “Hey, Sam. Got a minute?”

 

Sam beckoned him in. Cas stepped in and closed the door behind him. “Take a seat.”

 

“Seen Gabe yet?” Cas asked.

 

“Just for a sec. Why, has he finally come down from the clouds?”

 

“Nah, I just thought that maybe you got to pass your work off or talk to him a bit.”

 

“So, this is business. You are just worried that I am going to try to stay in this.” Sam gave Cas a look that felt accusatory.

 

“I did you a solid favor removing you from this case. Don’t you dare look at me like I’m some kind of jerk.  You don’t even know what the consequences of staying on this job will be.” Cas huffed out. He was feeling irritated again.

 

“So, are you staying on with them? You aren’t handing off the work?”

 

“I don’t get a choice right now. Consider yourself lucky.” Cas leveled his gaze at him.

 

“Why would they even need you? I heard that the case is done. What else is there?” Sam cocked his head to the side with his question.

 

“You know that we can’t talk about this anymore. Sorry.” Cas pressed his hands into the chair’s armrests to get up and go, but Sam’s next words stopped him.

 

“So, are you ditching my brother in favor of Niveus?” Sam seemed irritated now.

 

“I haven’t done anything with regards to my relationship with Dean.”

 

“Well, he seems to think that you have. He was a bit of a mess last night.”

 

Cas was fighting two paths of emotions. He was irritated with Sam’s tone and line of questioning, and he was concerned for Dean. “What do you mean by a mess?” Cas finally asked.

 

“After work he came by to see me at my house. He was pretty drunk within the hour. I think that he believes that you have given up. What did you say to him? He was blaming me, by the way.”

 

“I didn’t say much. I just told him that I needed to figure things out and that we were maybe too complicated to work right now.” Cas didn’t know why but he felt guilty as he said it. Perhaps it was the look that he was getting from Sam, or the fact that he didn’t want to give up on Dean.

 

“Well, I can’t imagine worse timing. He was just starting to be okay with himself.” Sam looked down at his hands and let out a sigh.

 

“You act like I did this. I haven’t done anything yet. Also, I didn’t want to do anything that would end things with Dean. I just have to deal with the Niveus situation, and I can’t do that with Dean as an active boyfriend.”

 

“I’m sorry. I just don’t want Dean to suffer like this. He didn’t know that it was going to be complicated like this. I didn’t know that it would be complicated like this.” The irritation that they were both spewing in their tones had dissipated by now and they both just seemed to be dejected.

 

“This isn’t forever. Tell Dean when you talk with him. Tell him that it isn’t forever,” Cas said.

 

“I think that it would mean more if you told him yourself. He is pretty angry with me right now. I think that he feels like I ruined this for him.” Sam gestured at Cas as if to signify the entirety of the relationship with that one movement. “I know that I messed up. I messed up more than I thought possible. I should have waited until Dean had solved this to get you all linked up in his life. I just worried about him. I worried that he was too alone. Bobby and I had talked about what was going to happen to Dean when he stopped having this case as a focal point. It has been his life for so long. We both came to the same conclusion. It was all that he was living for. That conversation sent me down the path that lead to setting you up with Dean. Dean is so busy trying to save the world that I thought maybe someone needed to save him. It never occurred to me that things would go so horribly. I should have known, but I didn’t.”

 

“I don’t want to stop seeing him. Part of me had hoped that he would show up yesterday, despite everything. Does he still want to see me this week?”

 

“I don’t know. I think that he wants to see things settled. I think that he is worried about what this is doing to you. He blames himself for that a lot more than he blames me, which is unfortunate.”

 

“Well, I would like to see him. Hopefully, he shows. I believe that I can get out of this eventually, but it is going to take some doing. M seemed to think that I might be able to hand off my work to someone else, but that it would be difficult. I will take the first opportunity afforded to me.” Cas stood to go again. This time Sam did not stop him. He made his way out the door and back to his office.

 

When he approached his door, he noticed that his secretary wasn’t at her station. _Odd_. He looked down at her desk and saw her calendar. She had some notes about a meeting downtown, and Cas had to assume that she was off taking care of something outside of the office. He went into his office with the thought that maybe he could cut out early. His head just wasn’t in this place today. His eyes fell, though, on something unexpected.

 

The man at his conference table sat with his hands folded up under his chin while he stared out at Cas. His hair was pulled back into a small tight ponytail. His eyes were cold. Cas was reminded with that stare just how dead inside he thought this man was the first time that he had seen him. Cas did not break the silence as he closed the door behind him. He walked to the table with pseudo-confidence. “Hello, Mr. Novak. Have a seat.” He gestured to a chair at the table. “We have some things to discuss.” A’s lips quirked up into a half grin that left Cas with a chill. He pushed that aside though, and took his seat.


	47. Getting Smaller

The ceilings in the office were quite high.  In the far corner there was a spider web. There was a small fly caught in the web, or at least that is what Cas thought he was seeing when he noticed the dark spot that showed up in the web that morning. He had been meaning to get it cleaned out of the high corner. He had mentioned it to his secretary in the hopes that the cleaning crew would be able to get a ladder in there to clear it out. It had been a week though since he had first mentioned it and still nothing had happened. “So, it seems that our little M has developed an attachment to you.”

 

Cas tried to slip his body into a casual position. He chose to lean back a little. He stretched his legs out a bit and put his arms down on his thighs. Hands tell a tale. He looked at his hands and willed them to keep silent. He planned to move his hands into his pockets, but he would have to wait. It would seem like a nervous move to tuck them away now. _Control. Keep control._ “She is a very engaging person.” Cas offered. _Simple sentences, Cas. Why is he here?_

 

“She is that. Not always the best judge of character though, is she?” A looked steadily into his eyes. His eyes were piercingly grey with flecks of gold. They were startling in their uniqueness. Cas didn’t show his fear. He pressed back his responses and emotions into the remotest corners of his mind.

 

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

 

“Hmm, how to proceed with you.” A seemed to be thinking out loud. He leaned in a little closer to Cas then. “So, I could take either path with you Mr. Novak. Which will it be? I could treat you like a simpleton, no-nothing, waste of my time, or I could treat you like the top-of -his-class man of intellect that I think you are.” A waited.

 

“I appreciate a little simplicity in the explanations that I receive. Also, I was not the top-of-my-class.” Cas took a risk with a longer response. He thought that it sounded confident. He hoped that it sounded confident to A.

 

“Close enough.” A stood up and moved to the back of his chair, lifted it and slid it closer to Cas before sitting again. “My employer has asked me to make sure that all of the files used by your firm have been secured. I met with M on Monday and again yesterday to do just that. While we went through the files, I noticed that she had checked out some items that were unexpected.” He paused and seemed to be trying to gauge a reaction from Cas, but Cas did not have one for him.

 

“What were they?” Cas asked to jump start A again.

 

“For some reason, she had checked out some very old files on some very old drugs.” He paused again, but this time, only briefly. “I have concluded that the files were mislabeled and that she got them on accident when she turned in the requisition form. This hardly matters though. What does matter is that they are missing.” A did not break his gaze with Cas.

 

“Where are they?” _Simple, simple, simple._ Cas moved his hands into his pockets now. He knew that if he didn’t that they would tell a tale of nervousness.

 

“You are a joker, aren’t you? A real funny man.” A laughed then with false glee. It was jarring and a little scary to hear the blast of it erupt from his too serious face. Despite his efforts, Cas flinched.

 

“I am afraid that you are going to have to tell me what is so funny to you. I am having a hard time following.” _Less, Cas. Stop talking so much._

 

“Ah, so you want to waste my time too. You see, M tried that line early this morning, and I am afraid that it just didn’t fly. I told her that maybe I should just talk to you directly. I told her that I thought that maybe you might have the files, slipped them aside when you were giving her the moon eyes.” A was still looking for a tell on Cas’ face. Cas could feel A’s eyes boring into his forehead, like he was willing the tell-tale sign of dishonesty that would come with a furrow or a twitch of the eyebrows. Cas kept his brows in check. He hadn’t flirted with M. A had misread the relationship. Somehow this made things easier for Cas.

 

“I don’t know which files you are talking about, and even if I did, I don’t have any of your files. M would always take them away when our little work sessions were done.” Cas was comfortable with this much sharing. He had to send out the denial with as much detail as he could to make it seem honest. It was honest. He didn’t have any files from Niveus.

 

Then A took an unexpected path. “You have a very nice home. So many nice things in there.” Cas’ face reacted. He felt his hands grip into fists deep in his pockets. The fact that they were hidden did nothing to hide his emotions. “I thought that I would find the files there. No such luck though.”

 

“You were in my home?” Cas was trying to maintain control. There was no controlling the higher pitched voice that came out, though.

 

“Of course. I do believe that it is within my right to break into your home and look through your things. Now, like I said, I found nothing, which is quite unacceptable. So, Mr. Novak, where are my files?”

 

“I don’t have them. M always took the files home. There was never a time that she would let them out of her sights.” However, Cas suddenly remembered that she had. When Dean and Sam came out to lunch with them, the files had stayed behind in the office. _Maybe someone had gotten to them then. Dean? How could he? He was with us the whole time. He could have paid someone. What about Sam?_ Realization was dawning and it was dawning while A watched. Cas dialed down his thoughts.

 

“Well, either you are as clueless as you sound, or you are an exceptional liar. Either way, the ball is now back in M’s court so to speak. I told her that Niveus has misplaced the paperwork that allowed her to remain on the drug trial for her little condition. I imagine that we will find that paperwork when she finds that file. My employer was very serious about the need for this file, so don’t assume that I will suddenly show mercy where she is concerned. I will get the files, and I think that you will help me with that, despite the fact that you know nothing.”

 

“How?” _Better, Cas. Keep it short._

 

“I’m sure that you’ll find a way. If not, then I will have to show you just how creative my employer wants me to be.”

 

“You can tell Lucky that I don’t have it. I don’t steal from my clients.” Cas pulled his hands from his pockets and took hold of the armrests. He leaned forward now too. “As for your creativity, I must admit, that I have never been directly threatened before. I also must admit, that I don’t think that I would be a very passive victim. So, there is that.” Cas stood then. He was trying to appear formidable.

 

A stood too. “What are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying, I don’t have the file, and if you don’t believe me, then bring it. I’m ready.” Cas was ready, or so he thought, until A had him. His hands found their way around his neck and he was propelled back onto the table. For all of the violence of the maneuver, the action was largely silent. Cas reached up to the two hands wrapped around his throat. He tried to pry the fingers away in desperation, to no avail. He tried to lift his legs up to kick A back. He would have even tried to land a swift kick to the table itself as it would make an alerting noise. Instead he silently faltered and slashed away at air. His vision was getting spotty. There was darkness and a sky full of stars. Then, he was released. Oxygen filled his lungs. The stars retreated. He was gasping.

 

“Well, now, if that was you being ready, I can’t wait to catch you unawares. Now, get me my files, or I’ll come back to play with you some more. Remember, I know where you sleep. I think that it also goes without saying, that should you tell anyone about our little conversation, I have an insurance policy. My friend is just waiting  for the word. He has always wanted a taste of M pie. Not to mention the little bonus girl in the house.” A sauntered away, casting  back a glance as he reached the door. “Thanks for the entertainment.”

 

Cas slipped from the table then and lay in a heap on the floor. Fear was his blanket. His world was covered in its darkness. There seemed to be nothing that he could do to push back the all-consuming dread, and the knowledge that he did not have what was needed to fix this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this far. I have also posted this story at ff.net. I welcome comments, and wanted to thank you all for the kudos too. The first chapters are getting a little attention from me as I didn't realize that when I posted them here, they lost some of their formatting. So all, of Cas' thoughts are no longer in italics. Oh, well. the chapters from here on out will have that fix. I guess that is what I get for dumping 40 chapters onto here so fast. Anyway, thanks again for reading this. Hope you all are enjoying the journey.


	48. Into the Darkness

The moments ticked by and Cas could not move. He sat on the floor breathing in big gulps of air past his raw throat. Then he felt the door to his office open and the rush of a body swooping in on him. It was Sam. “Cas, oh God. Cas, I’m calling the police. What happened?” Sam had his phone out in his hand.

 

Cas reached up and grabbed Sam before he could dial. “No,” he croaked out. He struggled to get up. Sam slipped an arm under his and helped.

 

“Who did this?” Sam was gripping Cas’ shoulders, willing him to look at him.

 

“It was A. He said that some files were missing. He wants them back.” A shadow seemed to pass over Sam’s face. Cas didn’t want to talk. He wanted to go to M. He needed to know that she was okay. If this was A’s brand of communication, he could only imagine how M had been treated.

 

“Well, we need to call the police.” Sam’s phone was out again, and Cas once again arrested his progress.

 

“No. He said that he will have M hurt if I report him. I shouldn’t even be telling you this. Please, don’t call the police.” Cas was rasping this all out and now, he felt the overwhelming urge to just run. Get to M and see that she was okay, that Lil was okay.

 

Sam was dialing anyway, but apparently not the police. “Dean, it’s about Cas. I don’t know what to do. A hurt him.” Sam repeated the threats to M over the phone. Cas felt panic rising. Dean counts as contacting the police. M could be in danger. He propelled himself from the room. He had to get to her. He had to make sure that things were put back to right. I have to find the file too.

 

\---

 

He tore through the streets on the Triumph. The air was sobering and brought his mind back into a kind of focus. He knew that he did not have the files, but perhaps he knew who did. It was something to deal with once he had determined that M and Lil were safe. What he couldn’t determine was whether it was Sam or Dean that had lifted the file. It had to be one of them. It almost didn’t matter though. They were a team. A team that would get people killed.

 

He rounded the corner and saw her house in the distance. Nobody was on the street, and aside from the sound of his engine, the neighborhood was both visually and auditorily silent. He pulled into her driveway a little too quickly, cut off the engine, and swiftly made his way to the front door. He knocked and entered in one move. M was laying on the couch. There was no sign of Lil. M looked shocked to see him, but the slow way that she moved into a sitting position told Cas much. Two quick strides and he was at her side. “Did he hurt you?”

 

“Not so much.” She looked away from him then. Cas could see the bruising on her arm as she moved. Her sleeve had slid up a little revealing the signs of her own encounter. She caught his look and moved to cover it. She reached up then seeing Cas’ own bruising around his neck. “Oh, sweety.”

 

“Stop. It’s nothing. He said that you would be harmed if I didn’t find the files. I don’t have them, M.” He didn’t mean to sound so desperate, but the words fell out too quickly to be controlled.

 

“I tried to tell him. I’ll talk with Lucky. Maybe I can fix this.” She paused a moment and took in a few labored breaths. “The bigger issue for me is with the meds. I can’t miss treatments. I missed my treatment this morning, because of this.” She waved a hand out casually. “The damage is maybe done. I don’t know.”

 

“Let me take you to the doctor. We can get you in. Better late than never, right?” Cas was trying to sound light and commanding at the same time. It was just coming across as scared though.

 

“No, I already called in and they said that I have been removed from the trial.” She reached over and gave Cas a little pat on the hand. “I am going to fix this. I just need to figure out what I did. I don’t think that I left anything in your office. Did you check?”

 

“There is nothing there. Plus, I think that A checked too. He was there when I got back. He had been in my house too, or so he said.” Cas looked around. “Where’s Lil?”

 

“She’s upstairs.” M sat up a little more. “She doesn’t know about what happened, and I plan to keep it that way. She was still asleep when he showed up at 3:00 am. I should have been ready for him. He had told me that I needed to address the issue. I just thought that he would give me a little more time. I mean, we had only just met after I left your office Monday afternoon. It wasn’t even 24 hours before he was hounding me about the files again. We met again yesterday and then again when he was looming over my bed at 3:00 am. I think that his theatrics were designed to get me to rush this fix, as if I were not taking this all quite seriously already. Sometimes I think that the A is for asshole.” Her attempt at lightening the mood would have worked if Cas had not experienced, first hand, how bad all of this really was.

 

“He said that he has a man that will hurt you and Lil if I don’t help him get the files back.” Cas brought whatever lightness back into darkness. M’s face clouded.

 

“He threatened Lil?”

 

“Yes.”

 

She sat still for a moment and Cas watched a story playing out on her face. She seemed to be struggling with how to respond, how to cope, and how to proceed all at once.

 

“I need you to do something for me.” She cradled her face in her hands then. It was a look of desperation and sorrow.

 

“Anything.”

 

“I am worried that this might not work out in my favor. If that happens, Lil will have no one. I don’t have any way of protecting her if things go wrong for me. I need to know that someone has my back in this.”

 

“What can I do? Just name it.” Cas was desperate too. He needed to know that he was doing something to right the wrongs.

 

“Something crazy. Promise to take care of Lil if I can’t.” She paused a second and looked deep into his eyes. “I know that I should have a million other people that I could ask, but I don’t. I am actually so desperate that I am asking a guy that I have known for less than a month to take care of my girl. And deep down, I know that I wouldn’t find a better, more appropriate guardian for Lil even if time and reason were on my side.”

 

“I wouldn’t hesitate to take care of her.”

 

“You understand what I am asking? It wouldn’t be temporary if something happens.” She was dancing around the issue. She seemed to be fighting the finality of being direct, yet she was being direct enough for Cas.

 

“I completely understand. I don’t think that I have much hope of getting out of this unscathed though either.” Cas took her hands. “You have my word though, I will not let any harm come to her. She will be my priority.” He pressed his head down onto their hands and hoped that it would not go so badly, but he knew that they were already tumbling through the darkness, and that there was no longer room for hope.


	49. Fear is the Heart of Love

Cas had decided to stay at M’s that night. He couldn’t imagine feeling comfortable anywhere else. He would just worry about them. He was greatly unprepared for his choices though. He had left the office in a rush. He had his wallet and the keys for the bike, but not his jacket or his phone. M loaned him one of her larger tee shirts to wear to sleep and a pair of sweats that surprisingly fit.

 

“Well, now, look at you. Who would have guessed that we could wear the same size.” She laughed a little at him wearing her Lilith Fair tee and settled in at the dining room table with a warm mug of tea. She pushed a second mug over to him and said, “Sit with me.” Lil had been in bed for a few hours now and the two of them had done their best to not look worried in her presence. Now that she was safely tucked away, they both let their guards down.

 

“How about I take the first watch? You got less sleep than I did last night given that he got you up at 3:00 am. I can wake you up in a few hours to take the second watch.” Cas was all business. What he would do if someone did show up in the night was another thing. If this morning was any indication, Cas was woefully unprepared for a physical altercation.

 

It was then that M reached into the pocket of her robe and pulled out a small gun. She slid it across the table. “Do you know how to use one of these?”

 

Cas did not touch it. He had never touched a weapon in his life. He did not want to start now. “No, I have no clue how to use that.”

 

“Well, no time to learn like the present.” She picked it up and tipped it to the side, showing him the safety. “This is a Beretta 3032. It holds 7 rounds with one extra in the tube. You get more bang for your buck with this gun. It is easy to use.” She demonstrated the insertion and removal of the magazine. She showed him how to add the bullet to the tube. “Then it is just point, aim, shoot.”

 

“I don’t know if I can shoot someone. It might be best if I don’t have that.” Cas was afraid of the gun, of what it meant.

 

“I won’t be able to sleep if you don’t take this.” She pushed the gun over to him. “The safety is on. Make sure to switch it off if you need to use it.” Cas reluctantly scooped the gun toward himself.

 

“Better?” M nodded at him. “Then go to sleep. I’ll be down here.” Cas sent her a smile as she stood to go.

 

“Thank you, Cas.” She came over to him and placed a light kiss on his head. Her hand fell to his cheek and she smiled back with a look of resignation playing out in her eyes. She then turned and walked out of the room. Cas lingered at the table and tried his best to push aside the fear and the nagging thought that everything was coming apart.

 

He walked into the living room and saw M’s phone on the coffee table. He decided to use it. Normally, he would not use someone’s cell, but he figured that a woman that just gave him a gun would likely not mind giving him her cell phone too. He turned it on and it was not passcode protected. _Odd_. He assumed that someone like M would have passwords on everything. He dialed Sam’s number. There was only one ring before it was answered. “Hello.” The brusque greeting came through the phone.

 

“Hello, Sam.” Cas began.

 

“Oh, thank God. It’s him, Dean.” There was a shuffling sound in the background as Dean apparently was wresting the phone away from Sam.

 

“Don’t you ever do that to me again.” Dean’s first words were angry and relieved all at once.

 

“I’m okay.” Cas didn’t know what else to say.

 

“You took off. Sam didn’t know where you went. I’ve been climbing the walls. Where are you?”

 

“I’m at M’s. This is her phone. I think that I left mine in the office.”

 

“Well, that explains why you didn’t reply to my five million frantic texts and voicemails.” Dean paused then. “So, this is M’s phone that you are on?” There was more to the question. Cas understood what was implied by it and decided to be cautious with his words in case they weren’t so private.

 

“I need to meet up with you.” Cas was trying to be subtle. He needed Dean to return the file. He knew that Dean had it. He had to have it. There was just no other explanation for where it was that made sense.

 

“Of course, tell me where M lives, and I’ll be there.” Dean sounded like he would run here if Cas just gave him the least little details about where M lived. Cas didn’t want that. Dean could not be here. They were likely being watched. It had to be some place public and loud.

 

“No, we can’t meet here. It needs to be someplace public, and removed from M’s daughter Lil. I don’t want her anywhere near this. Also, not tonight. M just got to sleep and I won’t leave her and Lil alone.”

 

Cas could tell that Dean was struggling with the idea that he would not see Cas tonight. The pause in their conversation was lengthy and filled with a type of communication that Cas understood. When Dean finally spoke it was clipped and businesslike, “Skybar, tomorrow night at 10. Do you know the place?” Cas knew the place.  It was usually full of hipster 20 somethings and low lighting. The usual bands were large and had at least four different types of horns. The last time that he was there, they had a cellist playing with three trumpeters and a large black man in an old 30’s era suit. They were fun to watch. It was not the type of bar that would, he imagined, normally draw someone like Dean. He was surprised that this was the first place that Dean had come up with.

 

“Yes, I know the place. We’ll exchange information.” He over enunciated the last word. He was worried that Dean did not understand just how important the files were, that they had to be brought with him. M’s life depended on this and, he thought, so did his.

 

“I understand.” The silence fell on them again. Cas could hear Dean’s breathing so he knew that he was still there. “We could just stay on the phone. We don’t have to talk.”

 

“Okay. I’m afraid to talk.”

 

“Hmm. Then just hold the phone and know that I am here.”

  
Cas held the phone to his ear and pulled his legs up to his chest. He didn’t speak again. He just listened to the slowing of Dean’s breath through the phone. He felt it calming him. It was a sea washing over his fragile emotions. It was a promise of life. It was too far away and at the same time all that he could cling to in this world. At the same time he was drowning, and there was likely nothing in the world that this man could do to save him. He worried. He rocked about in his seat. He felt everything closing in, and he felt powerless to stop it.


	50. Kill By Numbers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title this week comes from a Gary Numan song that I just love called "Down in the Park."

“You didn't wake me up for the second watch.” M said as she came downstairs into the living room.

 

“I didn't need to sleep. I couldn't have if I had tried.” Cas had hung up the phone nearly an hour ago when it seemed as though it was close to the end of its battery life. He stretched out now and felt his joints pop with the effort. “I am going to go up and shower and change. Then I will take you and Lil someplace safe while I take care of a few things.”

 

“What are you talking about? What are you going to do?” M reached out to him. “Don’t you dare go stupid on me, Cas.”

 

“Not stupid.” He crossed his heart with his hand. A childish move, but he was trying to diffuse her worry. “Really, I just need to meet up with Dean and let him know that I am okay. I took off rather quickly last night and he and Sam were worried.”

 

“Nothing like a little drama to fix a soured relationship, huh?” She turned from him then and made her way into the kitchen. “You can’t clue him in. You know that, right?”

 

“I know that I have to be careful with him, yes.” Cas followed her into the kitchen. “Don’t worry.”

 

“Worry is my middle name now. So, where is this safe place that you have scoped out?”

 

“I gotta call him first, but I was thinking Dean’s uncle’s place. It is remote, and he has guns. Also, unlike me, I think that he is not afraid to use them.”

 

“Hmm, not sure I like relying on the kindness of strangers.”

 

“He doesn’t ask many questions. I think that we can make this work temporarily.” Cas placed a hand on her shoulder then, “Please go along with this. I need to know that you are both safe.”

 

“Okay.” She turned back to the coffee pot and Cas left the room to go upstairs. He planned to get ready quickly and get them out to Bobby’s within the hour.

 

\---

 

They arrived at Bobby’s in caravan fashion. M and Lil followed Cas. He felt that they needed their own car and he would need the Triumph to return to the city. Bobby met them on the front porch. “So you brought me some company.” He crouched down and looked at Lil at eye level. “What’s your name?”

 

Lil ducked back behind her mom. It was clear that she was picking up on the discomfort that her mom and Cas were experiencing. The big scruffy man was not going to add any feelings of comfort. “Hey, Lil. This is my friend Bobby. He’s pretty nice even if he is a bit rough looking.” Cas added a smile to the words and glanced back at Bobby.

 

“I ain't that rough looking.” Then after a pause he added, “Okay, maybe a little.” Cheney came out of the house then and walked right up to Lil. He began sniffing her head since they were roughly the same height.

 

“Pony.” Lil reached out a hand to the big dog.

 

“Not quite. He is just a very big dog.” Bobby chuckled. “Why don’t you all come on in and make yourselves comfortable. Sam gave me some details, Dean too. I cleaned out the guest rooms for you all too.” Bobby gave Cas a look that let him know that he had remembered to take care of the pictures and telling signs of Dean’s other life. Cas had brought it up in their earlier phone conversation by talking about how much one could learn from a family portrait. Bobby got the gist right away.

 

“Hmm, this is certainly an interesting home you have here, Bobby.” M scrutinized the cluttered environment and all of the things that she and Lil would need to navigate around during their stay. As if she sensed that her words were too rude for the situation she swiftly covered with, “I honestly can’t thank you enough for this. You’re a saint Bobby.”

 

Bobby ducked his head a little and said, “Well follow me and I’ll show you where you can bunk.” Cas stayed downstairs while they followed Bobby. He knew the rooms well enough without the tour. He made plans to head back into town. He would stop at his house and his office, to pick up his clothes and his phone. He would need to let Zach know that he was taking some time off. He felt like he would also need to talk with Gabe. He had gotten Gabe into something that could be trouble for him. Yet another thing to feel guilt over. The list just keeps on growing.

 

Bobby came down the stairs with M in tow. “You ready to head out?” Bobby asked.

 

“I think so.” Cas turned his gaze onto M then. “I’ll be back in a bit. I just need to get my phone and some clothes. You’ll be safe with Bobby.”

 

She came up to him and wrapped her arms around him. “Be safe.” She slipped the gun into his hand. “Please take this. I know that you are not a fan, but I would feel better if you had it.” She still held him while she spoke. Bobby shifted about just behind them and M stepped back.

 

“Okay. Mind if I borrow a jacket, Bobby.”

 

“There are a couple on the rack by the door. Take your pick.”

 

Cas walked over to the door and snatched up a rough looking brown leather jacket. He put it on and zipped up the front. He put the gun in the pocket and turned to leave. He caught a look on Bobby’s face. “This one’s okay, right?”

 

“Yeah, it’s Dean’s.” Bobby added, “I’ll keep a good eye on the girls. Don’t you worry none. You just get back to us safe.” With that Cas left. He walked across the yard, the gleam of late afternoon sunlight glistening off the cars blinding him a little as he mounted the Triumph. Hopefully, Dean had the files. Hopefully, having them would be enough to save them. Hopefully, he could be the one to fix this.

 

\---

The trip into the office was awkward. His secretary was filled with questions that he couldn’t answer. He finally had to cut her off with, “Look, I am just going to need you to figure some things out for me. One of those things will involve cancelling most of my appointments. I won’t be around for a few days.” She wasn’t use to harshness let alone from Cas. To her credit, she put on a face of stoicism and told him that it would be taken care of. He went into his office and retrieved his coat and phone.

 

Next he stalked over to Gabe’s office. It was empty. He left a note on his desk telling him three things in bulleted form. One: Be cautious with all things Niveus. Two: If anything happens to me, take care of my things and contact my mother. Three: Thank you, for literally everything, from baby animals to meddling. You are without a doubt, exceptional. Thank you.

 

He made his way to Zach’s office next. He was on the phone. Cas waited. When the call ended Zach beckoned him in with a wave of the hand. “So, you’ve got everyone all a buzzing. What have you gotten yourself into, Cas?”

 

“Apparently, the good people at Niveus have decided that I have stolen some of their files.” Cas decided to go with candor where Zach was concerned.

 

“Hmm, interesting. Did you?” Zach quirked up an eyebrow at him with the question.

 

“I would like to think that you know me better than that.”

 

“I would like to think that too. I still have to ask. Did you?”

 

“No. I did not. I am going to be taking a few days off to deal with the situation. I have my calendar cleared. To be honest there wasn’t much to clear. Gabe can handle anything that comes up while I’m gone.” Cas wanted to get going. The longer he stayed here the less time he had to deal with his other business.

 

“Funny thing, I had an unexpected meeting today with Ezra. Seems he was looking for you too.” Zach threw out.

 

“What did he want?” Cas wondered if Ezra’s concern for his whereabouts was connected.

 

“He didn’t say. He just asked for an appointment when I told him that you were out today. He asked your secretary to pencil him in for tomorrow. I guess that she’ll have to cancel that one.”

 

Cas stood to go. “So, you don’t mind my taking off?”

 

“I wouldn’t say that, but it sounds like you aren’t really taking off. It sounds like you are taking care of our clients. Make sure that whatever this is, that it gets fixed. I don’t like messes.” Zach stood then too. “I knew that Niveus was going to bring us a whole lot more than we bargained for.”

 

“Turns out you were right. Next time I’ll listen to you.”

 

“If I remember right, you listening wasn’t the problem. Take care, Cas, and keep me in the loop.”

 

“I will.” Cas shook his hand and headed out the door.

 

\---

He made the trip into his house quick. He felt like the walls were looking at him. Nothing seemed to be out of place, but he knew that everything was out of place. Cas was a bit of a clean freak when it came to his home. He noticed when things were just a little off, and everything was off.

 

There was a slight twist to the green blanket on the couch that wasn’t there before. The door to the guest room was opened just slightly. The drawers of his desk were closed, but the contents did not have the exact same level of straightness. He could feel the presence in the rooms that wasn’t there. He could feel a tightening in his throat where A had pressed his hands around him. He turned on lights in each room as he moved from place to place. If this were one of Dean’s horror films, he would leave the lights off and stumble about until the killer jumped out of a closet or something. He laughed uncomfortably at the thought that he now compared his life to horror films. He stepped into his bedroom and snapped on the lights. He had a duffle bag in the closet. The one that he should have used when he went on his weekend trip to Bobby’s.

 

He pulled it out and unzipped it. He began pulling pants and shirts from the shelves and stuffing them into the opening. He had the bag nearly full then he stepped to the bathroom and began grabbing items from the medicine cabinet, his razor, comb, toothbrush and toothpaste. He was reaching out for a couple more items when he heard the sound. A clicking and scraping sound was coming from the living room door. He froze. All of the lights were on. There would be no hiding in the dark. He set down the duffle and reached into his jacket pocket. He could feel the handle of the Beretta as he slowly pulled it free. He rested his thumb on the safety. Slowly, he flicked it off and eased along the wall toward the front of the bedroom. The sound of his front door opening and closing greeted him next.

 

Footsteps. He counted the steps. They were long strides. One step, two steps, three steps. Closer and closer to his room. He held the gun low and contemplated raising it when the fourth stride brought the figure into view. “Oh, God, Cas. Don’t shoot me.” Gabe had Cas’ keys in hand and shock on his face. He was frozen in the doorway. Cas snapped the safety back on and put the gun back in his pocket. “What the Hell are you doing?”

 

“I should be asking you the same thing. What are you doing in my house?” Cas was still coming down from the adrenaline of the moment and sounded more angry than he was.

 

“Well, Cas, it has never been a problem before. Plus, when your friend leaves you a note from crazytown, you tend to check up on them.” Gabe took two steps over to Cas then and threw his arms around him. “Are you okay?”

 

Cas crumbled a little. “No, so far from it. I can’t talk about it here either. My house is likely bugged.”

 

“You do realize that you sound crazy, right?” Gabe took a tentative step back.

 

“Yes, but the truth often is.” Cas sat on the edge of the bed. Gabe joined him.

 

“So, what can I do?”

 

“You know how to get a hold of my family, right?” Cas looked over to Gabe’s face and saw him nod. “You know where I keep my papers and stuff?” Gabe nodded again. “Just make sure that everything gets handled. Oh, and I didn’t say it in the note, but make sure that M’s daughter gets taken care of too.” Gabe looked at him, confused. “I made a promise. I want you to help me keep it.”

 

“That is a pretty tall order. You are going to be okay, right?” Gabe looked really concerned. “Really, Cassie, I need to know that you are going to be okay.”

 

“I’m not taking any risks. I will just feel safer if you have my back. Can I count on you?”

 

“Yes. You owe me so many explanations.”

 

Cas got up and retrieved the duffle bag and zipped it up. He threw his arms around Gabe one more time before he left. “Like I said before, be safe.” He threw him a half-hearted grin and slipped out the door, leaving Gabe to lock up.

 

\---

He kept his hand in his pocket over the gun until he was back at the Triumph. The duffle was pretty full and took some effort to strap to the back of his seat. Dean would have done a better job. He pulled out his phone before starting the engine. He wanted to check the time. It was just after 9. He had just enough time to get to Skybar and to find his way through what would likely be a large evening crowd. He saw the message icon at the top of the phone and swiped it down to check it. Ten texts from Dean. Each one was more frantic sounding than the next.

Are you okay?

Answer your phone.

Damn it Cas please answer your phone.

I swear to God that if you don’t answer your phone, I’ll kill you myself.

I didn’t mean that. Answer the phone. Please.

Sam said that you were hurt. I swear I will kill him.

I’m freaking out now, Cas. Please be okay.

there is so much i need to say and i can’t if you dont pick up your ph

Answer it

I’ll never forgive myself you have to be okay

 

Cas turned off the phone and slipped it into his, Dean’s, other jacket pocket, the one not containing a gun. The messages spoke of desperation. Cas had felt each of the messages like a punch to the stomach. He needed to see Dean for more than the files. He needed to see Dean because they had something more between them. He needed to show him that he was okay. He needed to show him that he still cared, despite everything that had happened. He needed to see him so that if this was the last moment that they had together, at least they would have this. At least Dean would know that he wasn’t the only one that had feelings in this. I love him. In all of this, where everything mattered so much, he had that and he needed Dean to know it. No matter how it turned out, no matter how this ended, and it likely would end, Dean should know that he was loved, and Cas planned to tell him.

 

He shot out of the parking garage and onto the street. The night was painted in the lights of the city. The cars were packed into the lanes tonight. If it weren’t for the bike he would have been late. He had weaved in and out of the lanes like a pro. His lack of confidence before had been fully replaced by the feelings of bravery that came with his new situation. He could see the Skybar sign up ahead. He pulled up to the curb, making his own parking space between cars. He skipped the line and walked up to the bouncer. “Here.” He pulled out a $100 and added, “This enough to skip the line?” In answer the bouncer merely stepped aside and pocketed the money.

 

“Welcome to Skybar,” he said as Cas passed.

 

“You want to check your coat?” The lady at the coat check smiled at him from just inside the door.

 

“No, thank you.” He kept moving forward. The stairwell was thin and went straight up. There had been an elevator across from the coat check, but Cas did not want to be so confined. The place was not called Skybar because it was up high; it was called Skybar for the expansive glass ceiling that showed the world inside the sky. He reached the top of the stairs and took in the view for a moment before scanning the crowd for Dean. There were so many people crowded into the room that he feared that he would never find him. He began walking around the perimeter, darting his eyes back and forth. The band was loud. The room was sticky with sweat and alcohol.

 

“Hey, babe.” A blonde leaned into him. “Dance with me.” She pulled him a little.

 

“No, thank you.” He pulled away.

 

“Whatever asshole.” She stumbled away. Cas put his hands into his pockets to keep track of the gun and to keep from looking too approachable. He rounded the first corner of the club and spotted Dean at a table. A woman was trying to talk to him. He was feigning interest. His eyes were not on her though. They were scanning the crowd. Looking for Cas. He had not  yet spotted Cas, though.

 

Cas zig-zagged his way through the people and found himself in the path of Dean’s gaze. He could see Dean forming a dismissal with his lips and the woman turned and saw him in the crowd. She smirked and walked away toward him. As she passed him she said, “The cute ones are always gay, huh?” She didn’t wait for a response and Cas didn’t have one for her. He just kept picking his way over to the table and Dean.

 

“Making friends I see,” Cas said when he was close enough to be heard.

 

“It’s not my fault that I am so likeable.” He had started to smile then his eyes fell to Cas’ neck and the globs of discoloration that were likely visible even in the low lighting of the club. He got up and stepped over to Cas. His arms were around him in an instant. “I swear, I’ll kill him. I will kill him.” Cas could feel Dean breathing into his hair and he savored the moment in his arms for a few moments longer before pulling away.

 

Cas sat down and Dean sat at the other edge of the table. “Do you have the files?”

 

“I do.” Dean’s gaze shifted a little. “I never intended for you to get pulled into this. When Sammy gave me these, I had no idea what taking them could mean to you.” Dean reached out and pressed his hand to the back of Cas’ arm. He ran his hand up to Cas’ neck then, not just in affection, but to examine the damage that A had done. “It is killing me that I wasn’t there to protect you, and that you even needed protecting because of me.”

 

“Dean, I’m not mad. I need you to know that.” Cas shifted a little. There was so much to say and not a lot of time to say it. He felt like he needed to get the files back tonight, if M was going to get signed back into the drug trials and if A were going to be called off before any real damage could be done, this had to happen now. “I also need you to know that I lo…”

 

But he was cut off by Dean’s words, “M, what is she doing here?” Cas turned and saw where Dean was looking. And sure enough, there was M. She spotted them and made her way over to their table.

 

“What are you doing? You should be at Bobby’s.” Cas grabbed her arm as if to propel her back from where she came.

 

“Nice to see you too. Bobby and Sam may have let it slip that you had big plans tonight. Get the files from Dean here and take them to Niveus. Sound accurate. What I don’t get is why Deany baby here has my files.” M leveled her gaze onto Dean then.

 

“I merely have them now. I have a lot of connections, and I managed to call in a few favors when I heard how desperate certain associates of yours were. I can’t have Cas in danger.” He pulled out the files now and slid them over to Cas. M swooped in, though, and grabbed them.

 

“You two won’t mind if I choose not to linger. These need to get back to Niveus ASAP. There is a lot riding on this. Dean, thank you. I guess you aren’t as bad as I almost thought that you were.” Her wry grin cutting through the darkened room. She started to head out, but Dean and Cas rose and followed her.

 

“Wait up. You can’t go alone.” Cas reached her elbow then and they headed out toward the back stairwell together. She didn’t stop him or seem troubled by the company. She just shrugged and kept up the pace out of the crowd and down the stairs.  The door at the bottom dumped them out in an alley. The cool night air felt refreshing after the pungent humidity of the club. “Where did you park?” Cas asked.

 

“On the main street there.” She pointed out to the street, and just as she did the door behind them opened again and out stepped A.

 

“So, fancy meeting you all here. Looks like you have something for me, M.” He raised up his hand. “Give it here.” M started to step toward him. Dean was pressed against the wall near the door, while Cas and M were in front of A. Dean’s hand was slowly moving into his waistband. “Tell your boy there, to stop moving. It’s not that I would mind killing him, you see, I just don’t want to bloody up my new shirt.” He brushed a hand over the front of the shirt and then reached into his jacket to pull out his own gun. He trained it on M. “Now, like I was saying, hand over the file.”

 

Cas nodded to Dean and then M. “We were just leaving to bring you the file. We managed to retrieve it.”

 

“Yeah, took your sweet time,” A sneered.  M stepped up to A now, extending the file out to him. He kept the gun trained on her. Cas moved slightly toward her, wanting to push her behind him. She seemed to know what he was doing, though, and took a step away. That slight movement was enough to spark something in A. He pulled the trigger, and M took the shot. Cas saw the blood blossoming out from her stomach. It was like flames, red with fury burning their way from her body across her shirt. She fell back in a heap of limbs.

 

Cas was immobile, but only for a second as Dean threw himself on A. The gun went off again, but this time it was high. The bullet ricocheted off of the brick on the next building. Cas didn’t know what to do. Dean landed a kick into A’s groin. The gun fell. A rolled then and Dean went flying back. Cas scrambled toward the fallen gun intending to get it farther away from A, but A reached it first. He aimed at Dean then and laughed. “See you in Hell.” The sound of the gunshot was loud. It echoed more so this time than it had when A had shot M. It was louder because A had a silencer on his gun, and Cas did not.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all are enjoying this. Thanks also for the comments; they make my day.


	51. Just Sleep

The alley was silent and not silent. Cas felt the roar of blood in his ears as the noise of the gun had kicked his hearing into a new realm. He did not remember dropping the gun, but there it was at his feet. There was some movement. Dean. Cas needed to move, but he couldn’t. Dean was trying to drag himself up into a more mobile position than being sprawled out on his back. He was moving toward A. The gun in A’s hand was still there. He was not moving though. The blood on A’s shirt was spreading. His body was spread wide across the wet concrete. Cas turned to M then and fell to her side. He scooped up her head into his lap. He leaned down to her face and pressed close, hoping to feel her breath.

 

The adrenaline that had filled him just moments before was leaving him. He was now feeling the deep shakings of panic coursing through his veins. His hearing was starting to come back now. He could hear what sounded like a siren. Someone called the police. He rocked back and forth, holding her, praying. Cas wasn’t much for prayer, but sometimes, it is all that one can do. He prayed and promised whatever he could to whatever would listen. Dean had crawled his way over to him now.  It was then that Cas noticed that Dean had not gotten through the fight unscathed.

 

“You're hurt.” Cas couldn’t let go of M, but he turned to Dean when he spoke.

 

“It isn’t bad. He just knicked me.” Dean’s leg was bleeding rather profusely. Cas did not think that it was nothing. “Are you okay, Cas?”

 

“No. I don’t know what to do. We have to save her.” He turned back to M brushed her hair back from her face. He just kept rocking like she needed to be soothed to sleep, like that would fix everything, her stillness, her breathing, her bleeding.

 

Dean reached out to her and lifted her bloody shirt to inspect the wound. There was so much blood. Dean peeled off his shirt and wadded it up. He pressed it to her wound to try to suppress the bleeding. “She is still bleeding. She is still alive, Cas.”

 

“What about…” Cas looked over at A, but he couldn’t finish his sentence.

 

“I don’t know. I took his gun. I think that he is dead. The bullet looked like it went clean through from his back to his chest.” Dean adjusted his position to better press the shirt to M’s wound.

 

“I killed him?” Cas whispered. “I killed someone.” He was shaking now. Panic and sickness fighting for control of his frame. He didn’t know what to do. He just kept rocking back and forth.

 

Dean removed one hand from M and placed it on Cas, “You had to. I swear you had to. He would have killed me if you hadn’t done that. You saved me. You maybe saved all of us.” He squeezed Cas’ arm for emphasis. Cas couldn’t look at him. The sirens and lights of the police cruiser blasted into the alley. The next half hour was chaos and mayhem. Cas was now fully in shock and could not stop rocking even when M had been pulled from him and placed into the ambulance. A second ambulance arrived for Dean and a third for A. Dean convinced his EMT to let Cas ride with him. The world was blurring around the edges. He could not feel his fingers. He looked down at his hands. They were covered in blood. M’s blood. I said that I would keep you safe. He rocked back and forth again. Dean kept staring at him as if he was trying to make him okay by watching him. The ambulance stopped at the entryway to the hospital and there was a rush of exiting that propelled Cas inside. It was too fast. He was failing to keep his focus.

 

The rush into rooms. The too bright lights. The way that sound turns hollow. The way that it blasts back. Cas felt his brain turning into fragments. He tried to keep stepping forward inside. Instead, his eyes rolled up into his head, and he collapsed into darkness.

 

\---

 

There was a quiet beeping and warm, crisp blankets around his body. He did not open his eyes right away. _It was all just a dream. I will keep sleeping and when I wake up it will be put back to right. I will not be a murderer. M will be fine. Dean will be fine. I will be fine._ He heard a familiar voice, “I think that he is waking up. Come on sleeping beauty, rise and shine.” Bobby sounded like he was far away at first. His gruff voice was pulling Cas back from the darkness though. He cracked open his eyes and then quickly shut them again.

 

“Bobby?” Cas croaked out. “Where am I?”

 

Bobby and Sam sat on either side of him. Bobby spoke first, “You had a little shock. Doctors got you hooked up to some I.V.s here and they’ve been monitoring your vitals. Turns out that you were not able to keep going after all of the crazy that you had to deal with in the last 48 hours.”

 

“Is M okay? Dean?” Cas looked over to Sam.

 

“Dean is fine. I just came here from seeing him. I am supposed to report back. Doctor said that he might have to sedate him if he keeps threatening to walk on that messed up leg of his.” Sam ran his hand through his hair and looked over to Bobby.

 

“What about M?” Cas asked again. He felt like they were avoiding.

 

“Well, now. That is a little more complicated.” Bobby paused in his explanation then continued. “Doctors said that they are having trouble with the bleeding. Turns out that the drug trial that she was on, well, it is making it hard for her body to clot and such. They have been dealing with the internal bleeding and the organ damage, but now she has a low-grade infection. Doctors aren’t sure if she is going to make it.” Bobby finished the explanation rapidly.

 

“I need to see her. Get me unhooked from these things.” Cas started to pull at the cables connected to his chest.

 

“Now wait.” Sam stepped over and pushed the call button. “We’ll get them removed. Just wait. It won’t take long.”

 

Then as they waited a new worry sprang into Cas’ mind, “Where’s LIl?”

 

“She is in the waiting room with Jess. I promise, she is fine.” Sam gave him a look that begged for trust. Cas slumped back into the pillows a bit more. The last 48 hours had been rough beyond the mental turmoil of being attacked by a gun-toting murderer. Cas had not slept in two days, he had been very physically active--running around the city, and he had eaten little to nothing. It was no wonder that his body had given out on the threshold of the hospital’s doors.

 

The doctor came in then, and with just a little convincing, he freed Cas from the equipment and the I.V. Cas was on his feet soon after and making his way to M’s room. “What room is she in?” Cas had realized that he did not know where he was going, just that he needed to leave his own room to get to her.

 

“She’s in 452.” Bobby pointed down the hall. “You are all fairly close to each other. Dean is in 435 down the other direction.” Bobby pointed down the hall behind Cas.

 

“Thanks, Bobby.” Cas headed down the hall to M’s room. Her door was wide open and she was hooked up to a multitude of wires and tubes. He eased into the chair at her side and took her hand. “Oh, Megan. What have I done?”

 

He felt her stir a little. Her hand fluttered on his, then her eyes opened. “Where’s Lil? She was in here before.” M said in a hushed breath.

 

“She is in the waiting room with Jess, Sam’s fiance. She is okay.” Cas reassured her.

 

“They didn’t think that I was listening, but I was.” M looked at him steadily. “Turns out that I am not going to get through this.”

 

“That’s not true. You’re a fighter. You’ll be fine.” Cas was looking at the damage in front of him though, and he was having a hard time with the lie.

 

“Oh, sweety. You don’t have to give me that old song. I know when I’ve been beat.” She had to stop then. She was struggling with her breathing. “Did you mean what you said when you said that you would take care of Lil?”

 

“I did, but you won’t need that. Stop worrying. Just rest, and get better.” He pressed his other hand up to her cheek. “It’s going to be okay.”

 

“I need to see Sam again. Will you send him in?”

 

“Sure. Why do you need him?” Cas brushed the hair from her face a bit.

 

“He is making up some paperwork for you to make everything easier. When I die I want it to be easy for you and Lil. After I heard the doctors talking about me, I had them send him in.”

 

“I don’t understand.” Cas didn’t like hearing her talk like this and so he was scouting about in his head to find a path of redirection.

 

“I am going to have him amend Lil’s birth certificate so that you are listed as her father. This way no one will challenge your custody, and she will be safe.” She cast her glance back to the doorway. “How’s it going Sam?”

 

Sam had been leaning in the doorway, but now he strode into the room and took a seat next to the bed. “So, you up to speed, Cas?” He gave Cas a pointed look. Cas read in the look that Sam wasn’t sure if this was what Cas wanted.

 

“I am up to speed. You do whatever M asks you to do. Let me know if I need to sign anything.” Cas turned to M then. “She’ll never want for anything. I promise.”

 

“Now don’t you go spoiling her. She doesn’t need that.” M gave his hand a little squeeze.

 

“I hate to interrupt, but Dean is being difficult. Do you think that you can go calm him down?” Sam stared at Cas. “I already tried to work my magic and well, I am not much help apparently.”

 

Cas looked into M’s eyes, and she said, “Don’t stay on my account. Sam and I have business to attend to.” She reached up her hand and gently shooed him away.

 

“He’s in 435?” Cas asked.

 

“Yes, just a little past your room.” Sam lifted a satchel up to his lap then and started pulling out papers. Cas took that as his cue to leave. He made his way down the hall to Dean’s room. He heard him before he saw him.

 

“Look, just unhook these stupid wires and shit, and let me out of here.” Cas rounded the corner and took one look at  Dean’s frantic face. The nurse and the doctor at the foot of his bed wore identical looks of frustration.

 

“Now, Dean, is that anyway to talk to your doctor?” Cas leaned against the doorframe. Dean seemed to visibly relax.

 

“Well, now, maybe you can talk some sense into him. We have been struggling quite mightily with him since he got here.” The doctor settled a hand on the chair next to the bed.

 

“Is he trying to escape?” Cas smirked over at Dean.

 

“Oh, yes. He has been trying to up and walk too. I tried to tell him that he would need to let that leg heal, but he thinks determination is enough. See what you can do.” On that note the doctor and the nurse left the room. Cas made his way over to the bed. He sat down on it next to Dean.

 

“Are you okay?” He asked Dean in a whisper.

 

“I’m fine.” Dean was a bit gruff when he answered. “What about you? I was worried.”

 

“I’m doing better.”

 

“When I saw you collapse, I thought that you had been injured and that I had just missed it. Then no one would tell me what happened.” Dean looked like Cas felt. Cas laid his head down on Dean’s chest then.

 

He just wanted to lay here and listen to the beating of Dean’s heart. He just wanted to be in this moment knowing that not everything had been destroyed. Dean’s hand came up to the back of his head and smoothed out the ruffled hair at the back of his neck. “I couldn’t fix it all, Dean. I just wanted to fix it.” Cas was choking on the words. He was afraid that he would start crying. Maybe he already was.

 

Dean just kept up a motion of strokes along the back of his head. “I know. It’s okay. It will be okay. Nothing can hurt you now. It’ll be okay.” And Cas kept laying there letting Dean comfort him, because he needed it, and because it was the only thing that he could deal with anymore.

 

“She’s going to die. The doctors said that she is going to die.”

 

“They don’t know everything. Doctors are wrong all of the time.” Dean pulled Cas closer so that he was now laying on the bed more fully. He pressed a light kiss into his hair and said, “She is a strong one. Don’t count her out yet.”

 

“I won’t be able to forgive myself if she dies. I really won’t be able to get past that. There will be nothing that will fix that.” Cas tipped his head back and looked up into Dean’s face.

 

“I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I never should have taken the files from Sam. I didn’t know just how much it would put you all at risk.” He looked away like he couldn’t handle the look in Cas’ eyes. “Nothing I can do now will ever make up for that. I am so sorry, Cas. I am so sorry that I have so completely fucked up your life.” Dean looked away and ran his arm up over his face, covering his eyes. He did not pull his arm away. It was as though it was too much for him to even look out at the room anymore.

 

Cas reached up to him and pulled his arm aside, revealing the beginning shine of tears. “At least you were standing for something. I was standing for nothing. My entire world is nothing. I can’t keep working like I was before. I have to leave the firm. I have to start over, do something else. I don’t know.”

 

“You’re leaving the firm?”

 

“How could I stay? How could I keep defending the kind of people that did that to M, to you, to me?” Cas drew Dean’s face back toward him, getting eye contact again.

 

“I have truly ruined everything for you.” Emotion seemed to be taking over Dean again. “Damn it. I am so sorry, Cas.”

 

“Everything is a mess. My life is a mess. Everything that I have is falling apart, and yes, everything that I thought mattered is ruined.” Cas paused then and Dean interrupted.

 

“I suppose that this is it then. I wish that I had not been so selfish that night. I wish that I had not put myself into your life. I wish that I had just kept on doing my own thing. At least then you would be happy, and I could imagine you through Sam’s stories. It could have been enough. It should have been enough.”

 

Cas sat up then. He took Dean’s face in his hands and leaned in with a kiss. It was gentle and careful in a way that seemed to acknowledge the fragility of them both. He leaned his forehead down onto Dean’s and said, “I will never regret meeting you.”

 

“How can you say that?” Dean started to interrupt, but Cas stopped him with another kiss.

 

Cas pulled back and said, “I will never regret meeting you, Dean Winchester. I should have so many regrets and I do, but meeting you is not one of them. They did this, not you. They sent A after her, after us. You didn’t do that. And you seem to keep thinking that I was happy before, that my life was some great and beautiful thing. Well, it wasn’t. It wasn’t even a life. I was alone and miserable. I was without hope, or faith, or love. I was existing. Then there was you, and everything changed. Everything in my life is darkness and chaos now, but you are the one shining beacon in all of that darkness, the one bright spot that I see. So no matter how things go from here, no matter how awful things get, no matter what horrible choices I have to make regarding you and I and life, I just need you to know one thing.”

 

Cas paused and took a deep breath. Dean asked, “What is it, Cas?”

 

“I love you. I need you to know this. I mean really know this. It is one thing to hear the words, to say the words.  I think that you will tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. Or I think that you will explain it away. You’ll tell yourself that I couldn’t have meant it. You’ll tell yourself that it was all just some sort of confusion for me. So when I say that I need you to know this one thing, I mean that you have to believe it to be true. You have to know that I mean it when I say that I love you. I have said this to exactly three people in my life and I meant it each and every time. But this time, the third time, is it. I will never tell another man that I love him. It is just you Dean Winchester. It will always be you, just you.” When Cas finally stopped he didn’t know what to do. Dean was staring at him, not moving. It was a moment that felt electric to Cas. He wished that they could be a million miles from this hospital on some desert island somewhere, or even in a crowded city, just not in this sterile, pungent, too bright place of sickness.

  
Dean seemed like he was going to speak, but then he seemed to gulp it back. He leaned up instead. Their lips met. This time was different. This time it was not a kiss of someone afraid of breaking something. It was a kiss that acknowledged. It was a kiss that demanded more. It was a kiss that would linger long after their bodies parted. It was a kiss that made a promise. It was a kiss that was a light in the darkness. It was a kiss that was for Cas, everything, and he would drown in it over and over again if only he could. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you so much for the comments and kudos. I feel all kinds of loved.


	52. I Will Try Not to Sing Out of Key

Cas stayed in Dean’s room for some time that evening, before heading back to check on Lil and M. As he left, Dean tried to convince Cas to get him some crutches. “No, you need to stay in bed. I’ll send you some company instead.”

 

“I hate being cooped up like this. I feel like I need to move.” Dean was already squirming around in his bed.

 

“Please, stop. I really want you to heal up. If you don’t take it easy, it will take twice as long.” Cas rested a hand on his leg and then turned to go.

 

“Sorry, I just get antsy in these kinds of places.” Dean seemed to be trying to still himself. Cas knew though, that he would be squirmy again the moment that he was out the door, so he decided not to think about it and just leave.

 

The halls were quiet but well lit. He decided to check the waiting room first. He found Sam and Jess in there along with Bobby. No Lil. “Hey, all. Where’s Lil?”

 

Bobby snorted and shook his head awake. Sam and Jess each gave a slight start at Cas’ voice. Bobby spoke first. “Lil is with her mom. We decided to give them some privacy. How’s Dean?”

 

“He could use some company to distract him. He is antsy about moving and not being in bed. I told him that I would send one of you his way.”

 

“We’ll all go. You should go check in on M. I don’t think that she is doing any better.” Sam got up and began gathering his bag and coat to head for Dean’s room. “I did get the birth certificate paperwork done though, and I’ll be filing it ASAP. So, if you are having second thoughts about this, you need to let me know now.”

 

“I don’t and I won’t. Let me know if I need to do anything.”

 

“I can handle it. You just go see her.” Sam and the others made their way to Dean’s room, and Cas headed out to M’s.

 

He poked his head in the door and saw Lil sleeping on the edge of M’s bed. M was awake and staring off at the ceiling. “You up for company?” He whispered.

 

“Yeah, if I don’t have to talk much.” She whispered back.

 

“How’s Lil doing?”

 

“She is confused. She finally got to sleep though.” M’s voice was strained with the effort, so Cas sat at her side and just remained quiet. He placed a hand on her arm and let his thumb move about back and forth. He hummed a little tune into the silence. The tune was no particular song at first, but it gradually became something recognizable later. He stopped humming at the end of the song and M was just staring at him. “Was that Hey Jude?”

 

“I guess that it was. I sang it once at a karaoke bar, the night that I met Dean. I guess that it was hanging out in my head tonight.”

 

“Karaoke, huh? You say it, but I really can’t picture it.” She cast him a wry grin that was blended with a little grimace of pain.

 

Cas tried to distract her with a little humor in his tone. “Oh, M, there is so much that you don’t know. You are actually talking with royalty. I was crowned the karaoke king that night. I even have a crown somewhere to attest to the fact that no one has a higher rank in the world of karaoke than me.”

 

She smiled at him, “Well, your majesty, let’s hear this voice of yours.”

 

Quietly, at first, he began singing "Hey Jude." The words flowed out into the early morning darkness of the room. He was trying to keep his voice low so as not to wake up Lil. He pulled M’s hand up into his and cradled it there while he sang. She stared at him through each verse and repetition, her eyes never leaving him. He didn’t sing out all of the nahs at the end, but instead drew out one of them and let the note linger in the quiet room.

 

M broke the silence first, “Well, you have been holding out on me. It was no MCR, but it was beautiful all the same.” She smiled and Cas leaned  down to her hand and rested his forehead on it. He hoped that she would get through this. He hoped that this could be fixed. “I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this, Cas.” She held his gaze when he looked up. “I want you to know, that I don’t blame anyone for this. I made my bed when I chose to work for Niveus and Lucky. I don’t have anyone to blame for this but me. So, if you are planning to start some martyr thing over me, don’t. Lil doesn’t need that. Please promise me that you won’t do that.” He could tell that it was taking a tremendous effort for her to speak and he wanted to stop her.

 

“Okay, Megan. I’ll try.” He muttered out. “I just don’t think that I know what anyone needs. I don’t know what I have to give anyone anymore.”

 

She laughed a little, but that appeared to hurt, so she suppressed it. “Oh, Cas, I wish you could see what everyone else sees. You are going to be so good for Lil. You are like magic, or some mythical creature that I never thought existed. You are our unicorn. You are saving us. You are going to bring magic into Lil’s life. You are going to keep her connected to me even after I’m gone.” She seemed to be struggling then.

 

“M? Are you okay?” Her face was showing strain. She closed her eyes tight then.

 

“Get Lil out of here.” She was in pain. Cas looked down at her stomach as she moved her hands to it. There was blood. Cas quickly reached over and pressed the call button. He moved to the other side of the bed and swiftly scooped up Lil to remove her.

 

“I’ll be right back, M. Just hang on.” Suddenly M’s doctor and several nurses poured into the room. Lil was stirring in his arms. He slipped past the growing crowd before Lil fully woke up.

 

They were in the hall heading to the waiting room when she opened her eyes. “What’s happening?”

 

“The doctors needed to look over your mom, so I needed to move you off of her bed.” He was trying to pull his face into a neutral place. “Did you get enough sleep?”

 

“Still sleepy.” She had a full yawn that stretched out her little face.

 

He looked into the waiting room and noticed that no one was in there. He decided that they must all be in Dean’s room. He strode out and made his way to that room now. “We are going to go meet Dean. Do you want to meet my friend Dean?” Cas was trying to fill the silence because he was panicking on the inside.

 

“Okay.” They reached the room. He stepped into it with Lil and noticed that they were all sitting around Dean’s bed. Dean had a breakfast tray in front of him. Dean looked up at him and seemed to see the worry on Cas’ face.

 

“Well, look at this. We have more company. Is this Lil?” Dean asked as Cas set her down on the edge of Dean’s bed.

 

She looked at him and seemed to be appraising him with her steady gaze. Cas spoke up, “I need to check up on some things. Could Lil stay with you for a few moments?”

 

Dean seemed to understand the look on Cas’ face and gave him a slight nod. He then directed his attention to Lil. “Have you had breakfast yet?”

 

“I just woke up.” She was eyeing Dean’s tray of breakfast.

 

“Well, the hospital gave me this pile of food, but they didn’t include the cheeseburger that I requested. I am guessing that if I eat this first round of food that they might give me the cheeseburger, but I hate muffins. I mean really, look at this thing. It has carrots in it. Eww.” Dean was fully pulling Lil into his conversation.

 

“You want to eat a cheeseburger for breakfast?” She seemed very skeptical.

 

“Totally. I’ll ask for bacon on it; that makes it a breakfast burger.” Dean quirked up a smile at her. She seemed to be letting down her guard. “So, you want to help me finish off this tray of food?” Cas saw that there was some comfort being established, and so he slipped out the door.

 

Several quick strides took him back to M’s room. He stood outside the door and peered in. They had brought in the crash cart. They were trying to bring her back. He felt himself falling back against the wall behind him. He gripped the corner of the wall to keep himself upright. The speed of the motions in the room was dizzying. Her body arched up as the doctors tried to restart her heart.

  
There was a rush of turmoil coursing through his bloodstream. He could see them failing. He could see them going through the motions and progress not being made. There was a narrowing of his vision. He was seeing less as though the world in front of him was at the end of a dark tunnel. Time passed and seemed to slow all at once. Eventually, the sound of the chaos turned to silence. Then he heard the doctor’s voice break through, “I’m going to call it.” Cas slipped down to the floor and felt the sobs wrack his frame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this chapter. I was none too happy with my decision to end M's life. I keep thinking that maybe this should suddenly become an SU instead of an AU so that I can fix this.


	53. Fix You

Time passed in a haze. He barely remembered telling everyone what had happened. He had struggled to adequately comfort Lil. They left the hospital in a cab. Sam and Jess came with them. Sam said that they would stay in the guest room. Cas did not argue. He and Lil had stayed up on the couch. It was easier than trying to actually sleep. As the night progressed, though, they inevitably fell asleep. Cas had pulled the green blanket over her and wrapped an arm around her tiny form. _What will I do? How do I make this okay?_ He held her and wondered how they could get through this.

 

The next day he found Anna and Uriel on his doorstep. He brought them in, and Gabe showed up not long after. The flow of bodies into his home was making it simultaneously easier and harder to cope. Cas had checked his phone and found that Dean was going to be checked out of the hospital later that day. He said that he would come by as well, if Cas was okay with it. He wanted to speak freely with his friends, but at the same time there was so much that could not be said. He could not speak openly in front of Lil for fear that he would upset her, and he could not speak openly about what happened without making things difficult for both Sam and Dean. Part of him wanted to just say, to Hell with all of the caution. Sam and Dean could take care of themselves. The other part of him felt as though he still needed to protect them a little. After all, A wasn’t the only one to be worried about.

 

“Hey, Cas, what if I take Lil for a walk? You could talk with your friends a little about what is going on and such.” Jess offered as though she had read his mind.

 

“I don’t know. Is Sam going with you?” Cas asked because he was still worried about other dangers that might be lurking.

 

“I can go with them.” Sam offered before Jess could speak again.

 

“Thanks, Sam. I would feel safer.” Cas reached up to Sam’s shoulder in a move that showed affection and gratitude. He did not feel as though they had repaired all of their issues, but he did still care about Sam.

 

He walked over to Lil and explained that it would be good for her to stretch her legs a bit and that Jess and Sam wanted to take a walk. She passively accepted the situation and followed them out the door silently. He watched her go with a worried expression playing out on his face.  His remaining friends were all seated at the table. He was struck in that moment by just how much this was all like some twisted version of that morning some weeks ago when he had first met Dean. They all sat there expectantly, and he did not know what to offer them. He slumped into a seat across from Anna, with Uriel and Gabe on either side of him.

 

The silence stretched until finally Gabe interrupted it, “Well, Cas, you gotta get to the explaining. I mean, we are on pins and needles here.”

 

Anna gave him a look of irritation and said, “Smooth, Gabe. Really, you know that he has been through Hell. Let him take his time if he needs to.”

 

“I’m sorry, Anna, but really, we need to know what is happening.” Gabe shot the same look back at her and then made a gesture toward Cas that seemed to say, get on with the explaining.

 

“You’re right, Gabe. I have a lot to explain for myself. I just don’t know where to begin.” He lapsed into silence again.

 

Uriel reached over to Cas’ shoulder and said, “Why don’t you start by telling us why you were attacked. Gabe said that an associate of Mr. Crowley attacked you. He said that you were worried that your house was bugged. He also said that you left him a note that sounded like you thought that you were going to die.”

 

“How did you know about my attacker?” Cas directed his question at Gabe.

 

“Sam told me. He’s the reason that we are all here. He told me about the attack, that it was A, and that you were fine, sort of, and that M was killed.” Gabe explained.

 

“That is all accurate. A thought that I had taken a key file from the evidence that M and I were using to set up the FDA case. I did not take the file. However, A did not believe me and followed me. After I left here the other night, I met up with Dean and M at Skybar, and A attacked us in an alley.” Cas paused after his slightly altered summary, hoping that he had not left any holes in the story that would require further explanation.

 

“What happened to A?” Anna asked.

 

“I shot him,” Cas muttered.

 

They seemed shocked. He could hardly look at them. “Is he dead?” Uriel asked.

 

“Not yet.” Cas answered with a quick glance up at Uriel. “He is still in the hospital. I wish that I had killed him. I can only hope that he dies eventually for what he did to M.” Cas worried a little that they would judge him, but he also needed to say it out loud. He felt like just thinking it was a dirty thing. He wanted A to die, and he felt that if he just said it out loud then he could be absolved of this sin.

 

“What is going to happen with the little girl?” Anna asked.

 

“M asked me to take care of her. We amended the birth certificate, so that legally speaking, I will appear to be her real father. It should hold up, and it should make things easier.”

 

“I wonder what this will mean for us with Niveus.” Gabe tented his fingers in front of his face then rested his chin on the tips of them.

 

“You should try to get away from them. I don’t think that you will gain anything from any future association with them. I don’t know if A attacked us on Crowley’s orders or not, but everything that happened that night was because of that company.” Cas leveled his gaze on Gabe hoping that he would understand the need to put distance between himself and Niveus.

 

“I just don’t see what Lucky has to gain from attacking you. I think that there has to be more to this. No one file is that important.” Gabe leaned back in his chair and seemed to be wondering beyond what he was saying.

 

“I wish that I had a better explanation. As things stand right now, I am not sure that I can continue working for the firm. I might need to make some pretty grand changes to my career.”

 

“You certainly don’t need to be deciding anything just yet.” Anna threw out, “Take some time to grieve for M, then see how you feel. I can totally understand the need to get away from Niveus, but I don’t know that you need to escape the whole profession.”

 

“We’ll see.” Cas offered up noncommittally. There was a knock at the door, and Cas rose to answer it.

 

Dean and Bobby stood at his door. He beckoned them in. Dean was on crutches and seemed to be using them like a pro. Bobby was holding a small duffle bag and followed him. “You okay with a little more company?” Dean asked as he moved further into the room.

 

“Yeah, Sam and Jess just took Lil out for a walk. I was just sharing with everyone some of what had happened.” Cas gave Dean a look that emphasized the word _some_ as he said it.

 

“Well, now would you mind if I took off? I hate to dump this guy on you, seeing as he is a surly cuss, but I really need to get back to the yard.” Bobby was already edging toward the door as he asked.

 

Cas walked toward the door with him and said, “Of course I don’t mind.” He decided to give Bobby a hug. It was awkward, but reciprocated. He felt like it was important somehow to let this man know how much he appreciated all of the little things that he had done in the last week. “Thank you, Bobby. Thank you for everything.”

 

“I haven’t done a thing. Just take care. Let me know if you need me to come back and haul his sorry ass out of here. He can be a right handful.” Bobby smiled over at Dean then.

 

“I learned from the best, old man.” Dean smiled back. Bobby was out the door with that and they were left with another awkward moment. They stood together with Cas’ friends still gathered at the table.

 

“Well, I don’t know about you all, but I feel like we just became the third, fourth, and fifth wheel.” Gabe smirked out at Cas. He stood to go and the others stood with him.

 

“Hey, don’t leave on my account.” Dean looked from one to the next sheepishly.

 

“I’ll come back later, but I think that maybe what Gabe is really saying is that you two should have a little time to talk without us awkwardly observing.” Anna directed the others to the door. “Are Sam and Jess staying tonight?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well, if they aren’t, I’ll take your guest room and watch over the girl for you. Text me and let me know. This should get you a good night’s sleep. Sam said that you have been sitting up with her all night on the couch.” They had all reached the door by now.

 

Uriel stepped up to Cas before leaving. “I hope that you don’t leave the firm. You are the only one in our little group that I find a hundred percent tolerable.” Gabe gave him a mild slug on the shoulder.

 

“Hey, I am totally a hundred percent tolerable,” Gabe whined.

 

Cas gave Uriel a slight pat on the back as he passed into the corridor. “Thanks for that.” He smiled then turned to Anna. “I’ll text you later Anna.”

 

With that he closed the door and turned to Dean. He didn’t have to speak; he just had to move. Dean spread his arms out a little with the crutches still wedged up under his arms. Cas slipped into that space. He pressed his head to Dean’s chest and forced himself to just listen to the thumping rhythm of his heartbeat. The steadiness of it was comfort in an unsteady world. He could feel Dean teetering though with the extra weight pressed into him, so Cas took a step back. He tipped his head toward his couch and Dean took a seat. Cas helped him adjust his position so that his leg was elevated and then sat down next to him, resting his head in the crook of Dean’s arm.

 

All of this passed in silence. He could not bring himself to speak. Too much could go wrong with words. He feared that he would just keep losing people if he was not careful. He was not ready to lose anymore. Dean broke the silence though. “Do you want to talk?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay.” Dean seemed comfortable with the silence, and with Cas’ desire to just let it surround them. Dean’s phone buzzed. He turned it on and flicked over to the messaging app. “Sam.” Dean looked over at Cas’ face. “He wants to know if I’m here yet. He said that you weren’t answering your phone.” Dean moved his thumb over the keys seemingly telling Sam that the message had been passed on. Then he added, “He said that they are going to eat at the diner. He said that Lil was hungry.”

 

“That’s good. I was starting to worry about her. I didn’t know if one should force feed a grieving child or not. She hadn’t eaten anything substantial since I dropped her off in your room before…” Cas stopped not wanting to say anything more. Dean just kept a firm hand on his arm and rubbed back and forth with his thumb.

 

“I’ll stay as long as you need me. I just want you to know that. In fact, I don’t think that you get any say in whether or not I stay. I would lose it if I had to be somewhere else, wondering if you were safe.” Dean pressed his lips to Cas’ head and then lingered there.

 

“I want you to stay.” Cas lapsed back into silence after that and let the moment cover him in its warmth. He could feel the slow in and out of Dean’s breath tickling through his hair. The light in the room was dimming as it was getting on into evening and the sunlight outside was the only contributor to the room’s brightness. It reflected his mood and the feeling that everything was drawing to a close. He felt his breathing hitch in his chest and with it he squeezed in closer to Dean. He didn’t want to cry anymore or think anymore. He wanted to sleep and wake up to a day in the past. He looked up into Dean’s green eyes and was reminded of the light across the water from Gatsby’s house. He had finished rereading the book some nights ago and found that certain moments from the tale had pressed in on him, more now than when he was a desperately naive teenager. The light had pulled at Gatsby in a way that was inescapable for him. He had to harken back to Daisy, his great love. He had to keep seeking her light out in the darkness. He had to because, without it he was alone, without hope. That would be a type of death, and Gatsby was too full of life to accept that inevitability.

 

Cas didn’t break the gaze and neither did Dean. His green eyes drawing in Cas. He reached up and pulled Dean closer until their lips met. He could imagine losing all of this, and it was easier for him to just live in these stolen moments. Gatsby had died for his efforts. Cas could not follow that path. It had been too close to that reality that night in the alley. Their lips still pressed together, the kiss deepening, Cas ran his hand up into Dean’s hair. He would hang on for a little longer. It could not hurt to have this for a little longer. It could hurt later. He had to think of Lil. He had to plan for how to keep her safe. Here wasn’t safe. Maybe Dean will go with us. Maybe he can give up this mission. But deep down he knew that Dean would see this all through to the end. He was married to this cause with a bond that was unbreakable. There would be no running away for him, and so Cas knew the end game. He held on though. He held on because he could. Dean held on too. Both of them carrying each other in a sea of their own thoughts and desires, each one clinging to a light of their own that could only burn out for all of its brightness.

 

 


	54. In the Still of the Night

Anna had texted Sam while they were out and had met up with them at the diner. Arrangements were made, and she returned to the apartment with them, prepared to stay the night. Cas and Dean were still on the couch, leaning into each other when everyone returned. Cas got up and met them at the door. Sam held out a to-go bag. “I thought that you and Dean might be hungry. It’s a burger and a salad. Hope that’s okay.”

 

“Thanks, Sam.” He took the bag to the table and set it down, He returned to Dean to help him get up from the couch. Lil came over and picked up the discarded crutches.

 

“Here,” she quietly said as she handed them to Dean.

 

“Thanks, sweety.” Dean smiled at her. His smile fell, though, when he saw her face contort into something less impassive. “What is it? Are you okay?” It was a stupid question, but it was meant to address the immediate issues playing out in her face and not the past days of horror.

 

“My mom called me sweety. She called everyone sweety.” Lil was crying. Cas came over to her and pulled her into a hug. She let him and he felt her tiny sobs soaking into his shirt. He could see the days stretching out in front of them where there would be words spoken that would send her down a path of memories. He wanted to spare her all that suffering. It was not something that he thought that he could fix. So he held her and whispered soothing words to her, until she stopped crying.

 

Eventually, she broke away from him. Cas and Dean made their way to the table to eat. She joined them at the table for a bit, but then wandered over to the window and plunked herself down to stare out over the buildings. Sam and Jess decided to leave with a promise that they would call later. Anna went over to the window and sat on the floor next to Lil, staring out in the same direction. Cas felt like he was nearing the end of his energy levels. He finished off his food and cleaned up the table. Dean was still working his way through his burger.

 

“Anna, I think that I will take you up on your offer earlier and sleep. I think that I am finally exhausted.” He walked over to them and stooped down to Lil. “Do you mind if I go try to sleep for a little bit in the other room?”

 

Lil looked up at him. “I don’t have to sleep yet, do I?”

 

“No. You can stay up with Anna.” He swept a hand along her cheek and pressed a kiss to her head. “Goodnight munchkin.” Cas chose the term of endearment, because he thought that it would be safe. It didn’t sound like something that M would have said. Lil smiled at him, but only a little.

 

“Goodnight,” she replied back.

  
  


Dean followed Cas into the bedroom and shut the door behind them. He lobbed his duffle bag up onto the dresser a little clumsily, so Cas helped him rummage through it for sleepwear. Cas changed out of his clothes and Dean started to do the same. He was struggling to maintain his balance, so he sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his pants. Cas noticed his struggles and stooped to help him. “I feel pathetic. I can’t even seem to do the basics.” Dean muttered.

 

“Guess it is good that you have me here to help.” Cas sent up a little smile while he pulled Dean’s pants past his ankles. He moved his hand up Dean’s leg to the wound. It was an ugly mess of purples and yellows fading out at the edges.

 

Dean caught his hand up and said, “Don’t. You’ll just upset yourself. I know how you get around my battle scars.”

 

“I can’t help it. You would feel the same.” Cas took his hand back from Dean and snatched up the sweats on the bed. He began pulling them up onto Dean unceremoniously. Dean had to help a little once Cas got to his thighs. Dean tried to stand on just his good leg to pull the sweats the rest of the way up.

 

“Next time we should just skip the clothes. They hardly seem worth it.” Dean hobbled over to the bed and tossed himself in.

 

“Maybe.” Cas made his way to the other side of the bed and slipped in. He turned off the lights and scooted closer to Dean. His arm was already raised up to welcome Cas. Cas’ thoughts were a medley. He could feel sleep overtaking him, but he wanted to stay awake just a little longer with Dean before he gave up. “Dean?”

 

“Hmm.” Dean sounded like he was tired too.

 

“If I need to take Lil away from here, just run away and hide some place, would you go with us?” Cas had wanted to ask before when the thought had first entered his mind. He was too afraid of the answer though. Now with his sleep-addled brain in control, the question came out.

 

“I want to say yes.” Dean murmured next to Cas.

 

“I’m asking for too much, huh?” Cas squeezed in closer to Dean, fighting for consciousness.

 

“You can never ask for too much. I just have to finish this. So, I don’t think that I can just up and leave.” Cas felt Dean turn a little running his other hand up to Cas’ face.

 

“I haven’t decided yet, but I don’t feel safe here. I can’t take any risks with Lil. I promised M that I would take care of her, that she would be my priority. If I don’t feel safe, then I can’t protect her well enough. You know what I mean?”

 

“I do. Don’t make any choices just yet though. Let’s just heal here for a bit. Rest. Lil doesn’t need to be hauled away right now. Plus, I’m here. I can protect you here, and I am not going anywhere right now.” Dean continued to stroke Cas’ cheek for a bit, then his hand slipped away.

 

“I’ll have to decide soon.” Cas whispered out into the dark.

 

“I know. Just sleep now. We can talk about it in the morning.” Cas let his mind go then, and he let Dean’s words take him off into dreams.

\---

He stood out on the front driveway of M’s house. He looked up and down the street. It was quiet, too quiet for daylight hours. The clouds in the sky were rolling with a speed that was unnatural. It felt like a bad trip, or, at least, it felt the way that Cas had imagined a bad trip would feel. Cas took a tentative step back toward the house that was looming behind him.

 

There was movement. It was subtle. It was near the house. He turned fully to it. The movement disappeared beyond the side of the house. He strode toward it. The crack of electricity in the sky penetrated the moment. He rounded the corner. Something had moved around the next corner of the house to the back yard. He followed. The land behind the house opened up to a vast expanse of fields. In the distance were trees and a small lake glistening under the stars. When did it become night? He had seen the lake before, but couldn’t remember where. Beyond it was a man. He was too far away to make out. He stood with his hands in his pockets staring across the water at Cas.

 

Cas made his way toward him. A storm was brewing. The electric crackle of it was building with each of his steps. He could not stop though. The answers were with that man. He had to reach him. He felt a body fall into step beside him. He turned to it and saw that it was Dean’s father. “You don’t want to talk to him.” His gruff voice sounded unnatural.

 

“Why?” Cas continued walking, and John kept up.

 

“He won’t tell you what you want to hear.”

 

“Maybe he’ll tell me what I need to hear.” Cas slowed his steps though.

 

“He’ll tell you what you already know. No more.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“This is all just a dream. He can’t tell you anymore than that.” John cocked his head to the side. The move reminded Cas of Dean.

 

“I hate you. You know that?” Cas scowled at him.

 

“Dean doesn’t hate me. Maybe you should take a page from his book.”

 

“He should hate you too.”

 

“Hate doesn’t fix a thing. I thought that you of all people would get that.” He looked ahead and added, “We are almost to him. Not too late to stop.”

 

“I love your son. I have to see this through.” John stopped keeping pace then and Cas took the final steps alone.

 

The man was just in front of him now, with his head downcast. The rough black hoodie pulled low over his head. Cas took another step toward him. The man held up a hand then. “Close enough.” The voice was rough and somewhat familiar.

 

“You have something to tell me?” Cas stayed put. He did not want to frighten off this specter.

 

“You are not safe.”

 

“I know that. Why? I don’t have the file. I don’t have any reason to be viewed as a threat.”

 

“You know things. You just don’t realize what you know.”

 

“Stop with the riddles.”

 

“I can’t. It is just the way that your mind is. You are a storm of ideas, Cas.” The voice was changing. The sky was opening up. The rain was illuminated like falling sparks with each flash of lightning. Cas could imagine them burning and cooling with each splash on his skin.

 

“What is it that you think that I know?” Cas yelled past the noise of the storm that had ratcheted up to ridiculously high levels.

 

The man lifted his face and Dean looked out from behind the hoodie. The voice was Dean’s now. “He said his employer. He never said Crowley.” Lightning flashed and Dean was gone. In his place was A. He leveled his gun on Cas and pulled the trigger. Everything moved in slow motion. The bullet passed through the rain, and the breath in his lungs froze in place. The bullet entered his body, and he felt it propel him back through the air toward the lake.

 

He fell through space and then water. It silenced the world around him. It was not all darkness down there. The water was illuminated in green light. It was pulling him down in an embrace of sorts. He could feel the tendrils of water weeds curling up around him from the depths of the lake. The world was simplifying into a type of peace. The shimmer of the surface was diminishing. Then a face loomed over him. A woman in white. Her hair dark and flowing floated around her face. “Wake up Cas. You said that you would be there for her.”

 

“Megan.” He did not understand how he had formed the word under the water, but he did. And for that matter, so did she. Her hair floated back and she pressed her hands up to his face.

 

“You can’t stay here.” He knew that she meant more than the dream. That she meant that he had to take Lil away, just like he had been thinking before, when he had spoken with Dean. Her body disappeared and he felt himself pulled to the surface. There were hands on him. They lifted him from the water. John looked down at him and then turned to the others.

  
“No, he is not ready yet. Push him back down.” And the hands plunged him back down into the water, holding him there. They raised him back up and pressed him back down. Up again, and then down again he went, and this time they did not pull him back up. He felt the sharp stab of pain in his chest from the bullet and the lack of oxygen. Just as it was becoming too much, he opened his eyes and was awake.


	55. Hold Me Again

“Hopefully, he gets a few more hours in. Lord knows he needs it.” Cas heard Dean’s voice through the bedroom door. “Did you have trouble getting Lil to sleep?”

 

“I didn’t really try. Eventually, she just kind of went down. She was pretty restless at first. She seems to be sleeping pretty soundly now. It will be hard for her.” Anna was harder to hear, but Cas was able to catch what she had said.

 

“How long will Cas be able to keep from going back to work?”

 

“I think that we can talk Zach into a couple of weeks. Any more than that and it might get ugly. We can only spread around so much of Cas’ work. How has he been doing from your end?”

 

“I’m worried about him.” There was more but Cas couldn’t quite hear it. He got up and pressed his ear to the door. Dean was still talking. “I think that there is stuff running through his head that he isn’t sharing. I think that he is very scared. I don’t know what to do to help.”

 

“I wish I had advice. I’ve never been in this type of situation.” She paused and then continued, “We were all so happy about the way things seemed to be looking up for Cas. He was starting to seem happy.”

 

“I’m sure that he was plenty happy before. Had to be better than this.” Cas felt irritated that no matter how many times he told Dean differently, Dean was still all too willing to rewrite Cas’ history of happiness.

 

“No, Dean, you are wrong about that.” _Thank you Anna._ “He was deeply unhappy. Rejection does that to you. He threw his heart at Charles and Charles didn’t know what to do with it. He was a selfish bastard. Guess Cas just saw something else in him that the rest of us missed. He use to say that Charles had an artist’s soul. I think that was just code for pretentious. I think that he made Cas feel like he was special or something. He use to take him on these fancy vacations and stuff. He wrote some horrible poems about Cas too. By the way, at the end of the day, we all like you way better.”

 

“Well, thanks for the seal of approval.” Dean stuttered out. “I don’t deserve him.”

 

“No one worth it ever really thinks that they deserve the love of a good person. Most of us just plod along taking whatever life hands us.” She paused again. “I think, though, that Cas would disagree with you there. I think that he would tell you that you deserve to be his or some sappy thing like that.”

 

“He would. That’s why I don’t deserve him. You know, he told me that he loved me.”

 

“He did, huh?”

 

“Yeah, and you know what I said back?” Dean paused for a beat then went on, “Nothing. I couldn’t say a damn thing. I hate words. It was like some kind of perfect moment and all I could do was just stare at him. He probably thinks that I don’t feel anything for him. I just don’t know how to act sometimes.”

 

“I’m sure that he knows. He didn’t exactly kick you out of his bed just now did he?” She stopped for a moment then said, “Well, then you must know that he gets you. Sometimes words are overrated. It’s what you do that matters. Of course, he deserves to hear how you feel too. Perhaps you just need to muster up some courage and tell him.”

 

“Maybe. I need to think about it. I need to make sure that I have something planned out in my head or else I will say something stupid.”

 

“Meh, just dive into the deep end. Seriously. Best advice I can give you.” Cas had heard enough at this point and decided to make some shuffling sounds before heading out to the other room.

 

“Hey, you two.” He said sheepishly when he emerged from the bedroom.

 

“Hey yourself.” Anna got up from the dining room table and made her way over to him. She gave him a gentle hug. “Get enough sleep?”

 

“Eh, somewhat. I think that I just needed to get up and remind myself that being awake at 2:00am is not all it’s cracked up to be. Why are you two up at this ungodly hour?”

 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Dean said. “I scared Anna a bit when I was rummaging around in your kitchen.” He turned to her and said, “Yeah, sorry about that again.”

 

“No worries. I am going to head back to bed though. See you both in the morning. Well, later morning.” She turned then and headed back to the guest room.

 

“You staying up?” Cas asked Dean.

 

“I don’t know. I’m not tired anymore. What about you?”

 

“I can’t sleep anymore. I should try though.” He walked over to Dean and sat across from him at the table, clearly not planning to try right away.

 

“You want to talk?”

 

“I don’t know what to say. I want a redo somewhere far away from all of this.” Cas felt Dean’s hands cover his own.

 

“You remember when we were at the bar that night and you were talking about needing a redo? You said that Charles wrote a poem about it or something. It was how you convinced me to come over and fix the bike.” Dean smiled at him.

 

“Funny thing, I remember most of that night now, thanks to Gabe’s little videos, but I don’t remember much about that conversation. Crazy, huh?” Cas smiled back.

 

“Not so crazy. I think that you have selective memory loss for that night. You just don’t want to remember how shamelessly you were flirting with me.” Cas was pretty sure that Dean was trying to redirect his train of thought, just like Sam was known to do whenever the conversation became uncomfortable. He didn’t mind though, so he followed Dean’s lead.

 

“I was not the one that was shamelessly flirting. You were way worse with your pointed staring and hand touching. Plus, you totally bought me a drink, if I remember right.” Cas let a little triumph sneak into his voice on the last sentence. Yeah, Dean Winchester. Now who was the flirt?

 

“Well, if memory serves, I bought everyone drinks.”

 

“That just makes you a bit of a hussy. Doesn’t change the fact that you bought me a drink and that you were completely into me. You have already admitted it so many times. No way to deny it now.” Cas leaned back in his chair and let the moment fully consume his mind. No room for outside garbage, just space enough for this silly banter.

 

“I was, because you were practically throwing yourself at me. I think that I have the battle scars to prove it.” Dean rubbed his chin a little for effect.

 

“Not my fault that you sucked at kissing that night. Good thing you were willing to be such an apt pupil.” Cas got up and ran his hand through his hair as he stretched into a yawn.

 

Dean blushed a little at the memory and with a little help from Cas got up from the table too. “Not so sure that I have gotten it all figured out. I might need an advanced tutorial.” Dean leaned into Cas a little his chin brushing along Cas’ cheek.

 

“I don’t think that you should be overexerting yourself with those injuries, Dean.” Cas’ tone changed a little as they both walked back to the bedroom.

 

“I wasn’t planning to run a marathon. I think that I am up for whatever I can convince you is appropriate.”

 

“You make it sound like I am the roadblock.” Cas closed the door behind Dean as he hobbled into the room. “If I remember correctly, you are the injured party here.”

 

“And you are the one that worries too much. Now, are you going to stand there all day arguing, or are you going to help me get some of these clothes off. Oh, and by some, I mean all.” Dean curled up his lips with that and sat back onto the bed. Cas came over to him and knelt in front of him, remembering the first time that they had kissed, when he had sat where Dean sat now. It was a good memory. He smiled back at Dean then and pushed all other thoughts aside to just be in this moment.


	56. I'll be There

The days passed in quiet domesticity. Each day they passed the time with some minuscule task or another. It was always by design. They went out together for groceries. They cooked a meal or several. They made a trip to Cas’ office to check in with Zach while Lil and Dean waited in Sam’s office. It went well enough, but it wasn’t easy. There were hiccups, moments where she just cried and there was nothing to be said. Anna stayed for more than one night. Lil seemed to find her comforting. Anna couldn’t keep this up forever though.

 

After staying for three nights, Anna got Lil to bed and then left. Cas stayed up for a few hours to make sure that she wasn’t going to wake up afraid. Eventually, though, he had to give up and crawl into bed. Dean was already there, face pressed down into the pillow, taking up more space than he needed. Cas had to push aside the wayward limbs to make room for himself. “Bed hog.” Dean muttered into the pillow.

 

“Funny. Now move over.” Cas continued to gently arrange Dean’s limbs on his own side. Dean’s limbs however, seemed to be less than cooperative. An arm found its way across Cas’ chest and a leg gracelessly moved over his own. “That is not going to be comfortable in a few hours.”

 

“Speak for yourself. I am plenty comfortable.” Dean’s face turned to him. The half of Dean’s mouth that was visible beyond the pillow seemed to be smiling.

 

“God, you are a moose.” Cas squirmed around to find a better position for sleeping. Dean did not help.

 

“Shh, now. You keep waking me up. You move too much too.” Dean was still smiling at him with a fair amount of mirth dancing across his face.

 

It was then that they heard the scream coming from the darkness beyond their room. It was Lil. Cas bolted from the room toward her. She was no longer in bed. She was standing in the living room, still, screaming out into the dark room. There were no words, just high pitched wails punctuated by sobs. Cas scooped her up and carried her back to her bed. He held her and rocked her in his arms. She did not stop screaming. It was painful and piercing. He kept up a rocking motion. He made soothing circles of comfort on her back. He smoothed down her hair and kept up a steady pace and pattern of rocking.

 

Dean joined them. With some effort he bent down in front of them both. He reached out to Lil’s face. She was between screams now, gulping and choking on air and tears. He held her cheek in his hand and stared steadily into her eyes. “I am so sorry, little one. I know just how you feel.” She was breathing now instead of choking. They were fast, shallow breaths, but it was an improvement.

 

“I want my mom.” She seemed to be pleading, as if, they could bring her back if they would only try.

 

“I know. I want my mom back too. I wish that I could give her back to you. No one should have to lose their mother.” Dean kept holding her cheek and Cas kept rocking gently.

 

“Where is your mom?” She sat up a little and continued to stare at Dean.

 

“She died a long time ago.” Dean readjusted his position, stretching out his leg into a more comfortable angle.

 

“Was she sick?” Lil sat up the rest of the way.

 

“No. Someone not nice made her die.” Dean seemed to struggle with his words. How does one sugar coat such a story.

 

“Dean, I…” Cas started to interrupt, but Lil moved off of his lap to the floor and put her hand on Dean’s cheek now.

 

“Like my mom.” They had not explained everything to Lil, but she understood much. She saw so much in the hospital that her child’s mind was continually piecing together.

 

“Yes.” Dean answered her. “Very much like your mom. Everyday, I try to do just one thing, that I think would make her proud.”

 

“Like what?” She asked.

 

“Well, I learned how to cook. She loved to cook. She made so many good things. When I cook, it is to be more like her. It lets a little of her stay with me.”

 

“I didn’t know about that Dean,” Cas said.

 

“Well, Benny taught me, but I really just wanted to be like my mom. Take-out would have been a way easier way to feed Sammy and I.” Dean raised his gaze to Cas then.

 

“What else do you do?” Lil interrupted.

 

“She liked to read. I have to admit, I don’t do much of that. When she died though, I started reading some of the books on her shelf. I have read about half of them now. She had good taste. She liked adventure stories and mysteries.”

 

“Does that make your mom happy?” Lil tipped her head a little to really look at Dean when he answered.

 

“I hope so. I think that she would be happy that I took care of Sam. I think that she would be happy that I met Cas, here. I think that she would like the cooking. There are lots of things that I think that she would like. She was a really good woman.”

 

“What could I do for my mom?” She turned back to Cas now in search of an answer.

 

“What is something that she liked to do?” Cas asked.

 

“She liked to sing and play the piano.”

 

“Well, then we need to make sure to do that, I think.” Cas nodded at her as he spoke and she seemed to accept the assessment. “You need to sleep more though.”

 

Lil tensed up a little then. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to be by myself.”

 

“I’ll stay with you. Dean is a bed hog anyway.” Cas smiled at her. He scooted over onto the bed and she slipped in next to him.

 

“You can stay too, Dean.” Lil said to him as he slowly stood up.

 

“Nah, I really am a bed hog. You two try to get some sleep, but make sure to wake me up in the morning if you get up first. I don’t want to miss breakfast.” Dean smiled down at her and pressed a kiss into her mess of hair.

 

“Will you cook breakfast?” Lil yawned out.

 

“I will. I’ll make eggs, french toast, and…” He paused then for effect and looked directly at Cas, “bacon.”

 

“Wow, anticlimactic.” Cas laughed a little.

 

“Do you like bacon, Lil?” Dean asked as he was shuffling to the door.

 

“It’s okay.” Her answer sounded more like no.

 

Dean stopped in mid-shuffle. “Oh, no. Now there are two of you. Two bacon-haters under one roof. I can’t believe it.” He threw back a final grin at them and then headed out the door, “Goodnight you two.”

 

“Goodnight, Dean.” They said in unison. When he was gone, Cas felt the quiet descend on them both.

 

“Goodnight, Cas.” Lil whispered into the dark.

 

“Goodnight, Lil.” Cas whispered back.

 

\---

 

He awoke later to an empty bed. It would have alarmed him had he not been greeted by the smells of coffee and breakfast cooking in the next room. He wandered out to see Lil setting the table and Dean working the hot pan full of eggs. He leaned up against the counter and looked down at all of the food, enough for an army rather than just the three of them. “Are we expecting company?”

 

“I just thought that everybody would be very hungry, especially since we are going to be going to Lil’s house later.” Dean was adopting a casual tone as he spoke. He picked up a platter of french toast and held it out toward Lil. “Here girly. Come get this for the table.”

 

“Okay.” She came over, snatched it up, and brought it over to the table.

 

“Need any help?” Cas offered.

 

“No, you slept through all of the work. Now you just get to enjoy the spoils.” Dean smirked.

 

“Did you two talk about the trip today?” Cas wondered how much Lil understood about their plans.

 

“Only a little.” He turned to Lil and said, “We talked about going to your house to pack your stuff, huh?”

 

“Yes. Dean said that I don’t have enough clothes. He said that I need to have more of my stuff here now.”

 

“Oh, did he?” They seemed to be dangerously close to talking about things that would become uncomfortable, like the real reason that they needed to go to the house. They needed to pack up everything, not just Lil’s clothes, because Lil would not be living there anymore. They had stopped in once to pick up clothes, and Cas had wandered the rooms. There was a lot to take care of in that place. He went into M’s desk and found paperwork on the house. It was a rental. At least there was that. One less thing to worry over. It would be much harder to sell a house than to just walk away. He figured he and Dean could get a moving van and load it up with everything. They could store it all in a rental locker somewhere for when Lil was old enough to claim what she wanted from it. It would be a sizable task, but it needed to be done. He and Dean had decided that today would be the day to start this.

 

After last night, he had thought that they might postpone it. Then he remembered that they had already reserved the van. _No sense in delaying this, I guess._ Dean and Lil were moving the last of the food to the table and were already sitting when Cas decided to make his way over to join them. He stopped at the coffee pot first to fill up a mug. The warm earthy smell wafted up to his face. He breathed in deeply and took a seat across from Dean, next to Lil.

 

Dean was heaping food onto Lil’s plate. “You want more french toast?”

 

“No.” She looked up at him as he hovered over her plate with the fourth piece of french toast.

 

“Really? How about some eggs?” Dean put the french toast back and started to scoop up the eggs.

 

“I just want the french toast.” Cas watched Lil with her pile of food as Dean poured her a glass of orange juice. He felt like, at any moment, things could fall apart, yet, at the same time, everything felt perfect. They ate and Cas occasionally sipped from his coffee and stole glances out at Dean and Lil.

 

“Cat got your tongue, Cas?” Dean asked over a forkful of eggs.

 

“You are a miracle Dean Winchester.” Cas didn’t mean to say that, but it fell out that way just the same.

 

“You are a weird little dude.” Dean responded, but the wry grin that he threw across the table was all affection.

 

Lil was working her way through her food and was gulping down her orange juice. “When are we going?”

 

“You in a hurry?” Dean cocked his head to the side and asked.

 

“Hmm,” she mumbled out around her glass.

 

“I think that we can pick up the moving van in about an hour,” Cas supplied. He looked down at his plate and noticed that Dean had slipped a single piece of bacon onto it when he wasn’t looking. “What’s this?” He asked as he poked at it a little with his fork.

 

“Try it. I went down to the store before you all woke up and got it. It is black forest bacon. Totally, awesome.” Dean used his fork to push at Cas’ “Go on, just try it.”

 

“It is only because I find begging cute that I am doing this.” Cas raised the bacon to his mouth and took a bite. It was good. “Mmm. Not bad.” It was more than, not bad. It was actually earthy and peppery. He took another bite and then looked up at Dean.

 

Triumph played out on Dean’s face as he said, “You have been converted. Now, I just have to fix the little one here.” Dean scooped up a single slice of bacon and held it out to Lil. “Okay, Lil, try the awesome bacon.”

 

She squinted at him and pursed her lips. “I don’t like bacon.”

 

Dean decided that the bacon needed to do a little dance along the edge of her plate. He sang a little tune as the bacon was made to bounce along. “Tasty, tasty bacon, is so good for me. Tasty, tasty bacon, bacon in my belly.” It was ridiculous and Cas snorted out a little laugh at Dean. Lil just looked at him like he was all kinds of crazy. “Oh, I feel a second verse coming on. If only someone, Lil, would take a little bite of the bacon.” Dean was taking in a deep breath to begin again, but Lil spared them all by snatching up the bacon.

 

She took a tiny bite. It was questionable whether or not any meat actually passed into her system. She wrinkled her nose at them both. “Eww. Pepper.” Her tongue came out and sat there, hanging with just a miniscule trace of bacon pepper on it.

 

“Ah, well. It was worth a shot. I view this as a victory. One down, one to go.” Dean reached over and stole the remaining bacon from Lil. “No sense wasting good bacon.” He popped the strip into his mouth and leaned back in his seat, surveying the table, Cas, and Lil.

 

The breakfast ended not long after, and Dean and Lil went off to get ready for the trip to the house. Cas was tasked with cleaning up the breakfast remnants since he had not done much to get it ready. He threw himself into the task as he always did when it came to cleaning. Everything in its expected place. It was getting harder and harder for him to maintain his normal order. It seemed like time was always getting away from him. It didn’t help much that he now shared his living space with Dean and Lil. Lil wasn’t a problem, but Dean wasn’t exactly good at cleaning up after himself. Cas spent a fair amount of time scooping up discarded clothes and random cups half full of some drink or another. It wasn’t that he was messy, it was that he was just not as neat as Cas.

 

Cas bustled around the room, semi-moistened rag in hand and began wiping down all of the available places. He had popped on his stereo and the loud melodies of Queen poured through the condo. It was easier to work with a little music to drown out the world. The kitchen was in order and the room was set right when he noticed that he was being watched. Dean and Lil were staring at him from the doorway to the guest room. “Oh, don’t mind us.” Dean laughed. Cas didn’t realize it, but he did look a little like a mad-man swooping around the rooms to the tune of “We Are the Champions.”

 

Cas tossed the rag aside and strode over to Lil with purpose. He gave her a gallant bow and pulled her into a little uncoordinated dance. He held one of her hands in his, extended into a type of waltzing pose. Her other hand he placed on his hip. He paused and directed her to step up onto his feet. She did and then they were off. He swirled her about the room as the song played out. She smiled up at him as he shot across the room with her in a type of gallup. It was all silly and not any kind of organized dance, but it was rollicking and invigorating all the same. The song ended and Cas scooped up Lil into a hug. “Thank you munchkin. It’s about time I found a decent dance partner. Dean, here doesn’t dance.”

 

“Because he hurt his leg?” Lil asked.

 

“Nah, I just don’t have dancing feet. I tend to just step all over whoever had the misfortune of dancing with me.” Dean hobbled over to the counter without his crutches and plucked up Cas’ keys. “You ready?”

 

“As ready as I’m going to be.” The three of them headed out. On the way to the parking garage, Cas said. “I forgot that I don’t have my bike. I never drove it home from…” He paused and then continued, “the bar.”

 

“Don’t worry. I had it impounded. When Jorge, my boss called me in the hospital, I told him the story and got him to send a couple of guys out to take care of our vehicles. This does remind me though, that I will need to get them back. I’ll call Jorge later today.” Dean shared.

 

“Does he know the whole story?” Cas asked.

 

“Well, as much as I could tell without getting pulled from the case. He also doesn’t know about us, so there’s that.” Dean was hobbling faster now as if to avoid eye-contact.

 

“Are you keeping it from him on purpose?”

 

“It will be uncomfortable to have that conversation with him. I do not believe that it is important for him to know about my private life.”

 

Lil was watching them talk and seemed to be absorbing what was said. They got to the car and Cas helped her get buckled into the back seat. His car was sensible, like most things in Cas’ life pre-Dean. It was an older Toyota Camry. It was comfortable and clean. The metallic blue paint was light and clean. Dean scowled down at it from the passenger’s side. “What?” Cas felt defensive.

 

“I don’t know. I just pictured you in a way cooler car.” Dean tried to infuse humor into his tone, but Cas was still bristling from the thought that he was part of Dean’s secret private life.

 

“Maybe I left my cool car with my other boyfriend. You know, the one that isn’t ashamed of me.” It was childish, but Cas didn’t care. He tossed himself into the car and reached out for his keys from Dean.

 

Dean set them in Cas’ hand, not gently. They pulled out of the garage and Cas was doing his best to reign in his feelings. Seriously, not the most important issue that we have faced this week. Get over it. He could see Dean looking at him out of the corner of his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. Lil broke the silence instead. “Are you guys fighting?”

 

“No.” They both said at once, and a little too roughly. Cas glanced over at Dean at that.

 

“Why are you guys fighting?” Clearly, Lil did not believe them.

 

“We aren’t fighting. We just disagreed about something and I responded in a childish manner. It isn’t a big deal.” Cas tried to diffuse the situation for Lil. She didn’t need to be exposed to this sort of behavior.

 

“You have two boyfriends?” Lil asked Cas. “That’s a lot of boyfriends.”

 

“I don’t have two boyfriends. I have one boyfriend.” Cas laughed a little.

 

“I thought that you said that you had another boyfriend that had your other car.” Lil looked confused when he glanced back at her in the rearview mirror.

 

Dean interrupted, “I’m sorry.” He looked at Cas when he said it then he turned back to Lil. He took a deep breath and said, “Cas was just mad because I was keeping him a secret. I am his boyfriend, and I am the only one that he is seeing.” He looked back at Cas and added, “Sometimes I say stupid things, or I don’t say anything at all when I should speak up. I’m really sorry, Cas.”

 

Cas felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder. Cas looked over at him as they stopped at a traffic signal. He smiled. “You are distracting me, Dean Winchester. You wouldn’t want me to run into a pedestrian would you?” He glanced down at Dean’s hand.

 

“Forgiven?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Good.”

 

Getting the van and making it to the house took a considerable amount of time. When they finally got there, it seemed like most of the day had been wasted. “We might have to make this a multi-day thing.” Cas thought out loud.

 

“Yeah, I was already thinking that.” They walked up to the house with Lil in tow. She had some boxes in her hand and Cas had instructed Dean to help her get her room together, while he worked on one of the other spaces. “Aye, aye, captain.” He said as he and Lil turned to leave.

 

He cast his glance around the room, formulating his plan, when he noticed that things were not as they had been when they had last been here. He knew because he had looked over the bookshelf. He had pulled out some copies of the novels and a few CDs from it. He wanted to have these things of M’s in his house. One of the books was not pressed back into place all the way. This would not seem like much of anything in normal circumstances, but Cas remembered pressing them back. He remembered running his hand along the even rows of their spines, and he knew that they were all perfectly aligned.

 

He felt his breath hitch up on the intake. He spun to the stairs and ran up them. _Someone had been in the house. Someone is in the house._

 

 


	57. Everybody Hurts Sometimes

He reached the top of the stairs and saw that the door to M’s room was closed. He noticed that Dean and Lil were in Lil’s room. He caught Dean’s eye from the hall. He immediately came out to him. “What?”

 

“Someone has been in the house.” He nodded toward the other room. “The door was open when we left. Someone has moved the books.” He whispered out.

 

“Take Lil out.” Dean reached into his jacket and pulled out a gun and edged toward the door. Cas moved to Lil’s room and grabbed her arm to pull her away from the room. She had noticed the change in the atmosphere. He got Lil to the bottom of the stairs and cast a look back as they went out the front door.

 

“What’s happening, Cas?” Lil pulled on his arm. Cas didn’t know how far away to take her. He decided to get into the moving van, in case they needed to leave. He kept staring out at the door, worry building.

 

“I thought that someone was in the house. Dean is checking to make sure that everything is okay.” Cas answered quickly and hoped that she wouldn’t ask any questions. She sat at his side quietly clenching and unclenching her fingers into the seat. He pulled her to him. He regretted telling her the truth. “I’m sure it’s fine, Lil. I am just a worrier. Dean is always saying that about me.”

 

“Should we go in and check?” She looked up at him.

 

“Dean will come out and tell us. Just wait.” He rubbed her arm with his fingers. The front door opened just as he was starting to fall into full-on panic. Dean emerged. Cas and Lil tumbled from the van to meet him before he even got close to them.

 

“There’s no one in there.” Dean seemed to want to say more. He directed them back into the house. “I think that we should make quick work of this. I called some of my people to help.”

 

Cas nodded. They went into the house and Dean took Lil into the living room. “Would it be okay if I went into her room, just to see if anything has been moved?”

 

“Go for it. Lil and I will be down here.” Dean had his phone to his ear and waved Cas up the stairs.

 

Cas took the stairs two at a time and found himself staring down the hallway to M’s room. He was nervous for some reason. It was like someone was watching him from the walls. He walked into her room and scanned the space. He could tell that the space had been disturbed. There was a lot that was just a little off. It was the same feeling that he got when he came back to his condo the night that A caught them in the alley. M’s bed had been remade without precision. He had made the bed himself before, tight corners and smoothed out. The desk had been disturbed. Her papers were in an entirely different location. One of the papers was even on the floor, as if it had blown there on a breeze. Cas walked to it and stooped to pick it up. It was then that he noticed the space behind the desk. The edges of the back of the desk were not quite even. He gripped it and felt it push in as if it were on a spring. When he released it, the whole back end popped out.

 

He sat back and stared at it. _What the Hell is this?_ He leaned toward it and saw that it was a hidden compartment, and it wasn’t empty. He reached inside and pulled out a large wooden box. It was square shaped and made with polished oak with gold inlays. It had so much varnish on it, in fact, that it must be more varnish than wood. He ran his fingers over it to the clasp. He pressed it open.

 

Inside he found papers and photos. The topmost collection of papers contained his dossier. Beneath it he found Sam’s. There was also one for Gabe. What he didn’t expect was the one labeled Dean Winchester. He pulled that one out. M had been researching him. The piece was put together by her. This would require more reading. He slipped it back into the stack and continued shuffling through the rest of the items. There were pictures of people that he did not recognize, and some that seemed like he knew them without quite being able to place them. He saw the hand written notes as well, laying out connections. It reminded him of the journal that Dean’s father had kept. He pressed all of it back into the box and sealed it up. He decided to pack up this room himself, in case there were more secrets to unearth.

 

He made his way back down to the living room and Dean and Lil. They were not packing. They were merely waiting on the couch. “Anything to report.” Dean cast a pointed look at the box in Cas’ hands.

 

“Not yet,” Cas said. “I think that I would like to get some boxes to pack up her room myself. When will your friends arrive?”

 

“Any minute.” Dean seemed to be adopting an air of seriousness. His clipped sentences and darting gaze told Cas that he was nervous too.

 

“Lil can come up with me while you wait for your friends.” Cas grabbed a couple of boxes and handed one to Lil too. They headed upstairs together. When they were in the room Cas directed Lil to start loading up her box with whatever she could from the room. He knew that this was not the most organized way to pack, but he couldn’t spend anymore time in this place. He tackled the dresser first and then moved to the closet. He pulled out clothes and laid them all on the bed. This went on for awhile before he heard the sounds of Dean’s friends showing up downstairs. He assumed that they were all officers. He had decided to keep working on the room rather than going downstairs to meet them.

 

Dean showed up in the doorway with a man at his shoulder. “Hey, Cas. This is my boss Jorge Ruiz. He brought some extra help. We are making short work of the downstairs.”

 

Cas stopped what he was doing and walked over to shake hands. Jorge’s grip was firm. His steady brown-eyed gaze inspired confidence and a hint of intimidation. “Dean filled me in a little. Have you unearthed anything interesting, anything that would cause someone to break in?”

 

“Not sure yet. I have gone through some of her papers, and they are not terribly exciting. I don’t see why someone would break in for them.” Cas chose not to mention the box. It could contain information that needed to be kept a secret for now. There was a dossier on Dean. That would not be the best way for Dean’s boss to find out about his past. Dean had seen the box, but somehow he knew to keep from mentioning it. For that, Cas was grateful.

 

“Hmm, well, if you turn something up, let me know. I am going to poke around a bit. Is that okay?” Jorge looked like he wasn’t really asking. Cas just nodded.

 

“Dean would you mind helping Lil finish packing her room? I want to finish up here, but I don’t think that a stranger should be working on her room.”

 

Dean reached out a hand to Lil and said, “You heard the man, Lil, come help me box up your stuff.” They left, but Jorge lingered. He stalked over to the desk and took a seat while Cas continued boxing up the clothes.

 

Jorge began fishing around in the drawers, pulling out papers and laying them out on the desk. He seemed to be comfortable with the invasiveness. Cas just kept packing and watching him for tell-tale signs that he had found something of interest. He knew that there was nothing there, having gone through it all himself, but a second set of eyes will sometimes catch what was missed by the first. Jorge turned to him and caught him watching. “So, I brought your motorcycle with me today. Can we load it up in your moving van?” The tangent from Cas’ thoughts startled him.

 

“Umm, yeah. Dean had said something about you taking care of it.” Cas turned away and continued packing then he added, “Thanks for returning it.”

 

“Well, it wasn’t easy, mind you. It isn’t everyday that one gets to ride a beaut like that.” He leaned back in the chair and stretched out his legs a little. “The body work on it is impeccable.”

 

“I have Dean to thank for that. He does great work.” Cas glanced up as he spoke. He caught a look on Jorge’s face then. _Confusio_ n? Cas wondered if he had shared something that was a secret. _But what?_

 

“So, you know Dean outside of this recent incident?” Jorge was using a tone that was a little hard to read.

 

“Yes, his brother and I work together.” Cas decided not to share too much now for fear that he was treading on details that Dean was trying to keep secret.

 

“Oh, that makes sense then.” Jorge turned back to the papers seeming relieved. Cas wondered about that. He detected something in Jorge’s tone that made Cas feel like over-sharing just to set Jorge’s relief into a tailspin. He was irritated, but he pushed it down a little.

 

Cas went back to packing, and decided to stir the waters. “So, you’ve met Sam?”

 

“Just briefly. Seems like a nice guy. I heard that Dean practically raised him.” Jorge didn’t turn from the papers while he answered.

 

“Yeah, Sam is pretty nice. Dean raised him right.” Cas went over to M’s dresser to pull out more clothes. “I owe Sam, I think.”

 

“Oh, really, why so?”

 

“Well, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have met Dean.” Cas glanced back at Jorge, but his back was to him. “It’s hard to meet good guys without divine intervention.”

 

Jorge seemed to stiffen a little then he said, “Yeah, Dean is one of the good guys. Guess that’s why we trust him so much.”

 

Cas decided that he had said enough on the subject of Dean and decided to redirect. “So, did you find anything interesting in the desk yet?”

 

“No, but I reckon that you knew that already, since you had looked through all of this.” Jorge looked back at him.

 

“I had hoped that I had missed something,” Cas offered.

 

“Looks like I am the only one that missed something.” He looked steadily at Cas then. “I always wondered why he never seemed to have any steady girls around.”

 

“Hmm,” Cas felt like he had made a mistake, but he was not going to let it control the conversation. He redirected, “So, have you gotten any word on A’s condition?”

 

“Nothing beyond the fact that he is still unconscious and in the hospital.” He stood then and poked around in M’s closet, moving aside hangers of clothes a little here and there. “We’ve got a man stationed on his door 24/7. He isn’t going anywhere, that is if he even lives through this.”

 

Dean slipped into the room a little and said, “Hey, Cas, I hate to be a bother, but Lil would like you to help her. I think that I am not much comfort.”

 

“Sure. Do you mind boxing up some of M’s clothes and stuff?” There are boxes over there.” Cas waved over to the other side of the bed.

 

“No problem.” Dean glanced around the room and added, “Where’s Jorge?”

 

“Oh, just hanging out in the closet, Dean.” Jorge poked his head out and caught Dean’s eye. “You wouldn’t know anything about that now, would you?”

 

Dean’s face fell a little. Cas scooped up one of the moving boxes that held the oak box. Cas tried to look apologetic as he passed Dean, but he did not feel like he could pull it off so he just made his way out the door. He could hear the muffled words of Jorge, but not exactly what he was saying once he reached Lil’s bedroom.

 

He looked down at her surrounded by boxes and piles of her stuff. She looked so small, so in need of some comfort. “Hey, munchkin.” He plopped himself down next to her, setting the box aside as he did so.

 

“Hey, Cas.” She was running her fingers along the edges of a ribbon that was tied to one of her dolls. It looked old and in need of some TLC.

 

Cas brushed back Lil’s hair from her face. “You okay?”

 

“Uh huh.” She didn’t look at Cas though.

 

“Would you like me to pack your stuff? You don’t have to help if you don’t want to.”

 

“I don’t want to pack.”

 

“Is it alright with you if I pack though?”She shrugged in answer and Cas began loading up the boxes with quiet efficiency. They were finished with the room in just over an hour. Apparently, that was about the amount of time that Dean needed to pack up M’s room too. For both rooms, the big furniture would have to wait. As Cas and Lil were preparing to take boxes downstairs he noticed Dean emerging from the room. The hour apart had done nothing to soften Dean’s expression. Lil began making her way down the stairs well ahead of them with her lightweight box of clothes. Cas turned to Dean and said, “I’m sorry, Dean. I wasn’t thinking.”

 

“Fuck you, Cas.” Dean spoke just low enough so that Lil couldn’t hear him, but Cas felt the full brunt of the underlying tone of Dean’s words.

 

Cas wasn’t going to apologize again so soon on the heels of that little outburst. He did feel bad though, about the situation that he dropped Dean into. He looked back at him and Dean refused to make eye-contact. “Was it really that bad?”

 

“You couldn’t possibly understand.” He finally looked at Cas. They both stopped midway down the stairs, and Dean continued. “I’ve been hearing it for an hour now. Every time that I think that the subject is changed to something even touching on the very serious situation that we are in he would fall back into my connection with you. So many innuendos and shit. It will get so much worse too, once he tells the others. This is such bullshit, Cas. Why would you do this?”

 

“I don’t like pretending to be something that I am not. I don’t like you pretending to be something that you are not.” Cas could feel Dean’s irritation brewing up again.

 

“It isn’t your place to decide how and when I share my private life with others. I think that you forget sometimes just who I am and what I have gone through to get to this place. Show a little god damn compassion.” Jorge showed up behind them then with a box in his hands.

 

“Hey, you mind taking your little lover’s spat to the bottom of the stairs? I can’t be expected to hold this brick up all day here.” Jorge laughed a little at his own words.

 

Dean rushed past Cas with his box and made his way toward the door. Cas followed. “You finished up in M’s room?” Cas tossed back at Jorge.

 

“Yep. I think that I might look over her garage a little. See if there is anything there worth looking at.” His tone was all business again, and Cas thought that maybe Dean just brought out the joking in people.

 

“It looks like that might be the last spot that needs attention. You all packed this place up quick.” Cas surveyed the living room and kitchen once he reached the bottom of the stairs.  It was empty in a way that depressed Cas a little. He remembered the warm evening that he had spent here with M and Lil just a few short nights ago. He couldn’t push down his emotions. He began to cry. Jorge passed him and pretended not to see, heading off for the garage. Cas couldn’t stop the tears nor could he clear them from his face as his hands were full. He stepped out of the front door and set down the box. He sat on the front step and pressed his face into his hands. He could feel himself losing control. The shaking began in his back and spread out through his whole frame. Then he felt a tiny body pressed up next to him. She didn’t say anything, but she wrapped her arms around him.

 

They sat like that feeling pathetic and miserable together. Cas had needed to cry, but hadn’t felt like he could just let go of his emotions, Lil needed him, and he needed to be strong. The situation demanded it. Her hands held on, and he could feel her crying too. She was comforting him. Now he felt the guilt of that too. He started wiping at his eyes furiously, sucking back deep, sharp gasps to regulate his emotions. A shadow fell on them. Cas and Lil both turned up their faces to it. Dean. “Maybe, I should take you both home. We can finish up all of this later, or I can.” Dean reached down to Lil. “Come on monkey.” She got up slowly and he wound his arm around her in a brief hug before walking her to the van.

 

Dean looked back at Cas. He realized that Dean was beckoning him to follow, but he was having trouble getting himself moving. He looked away instead. Dean came back over a few moments later and stood in front of him. “Come on, Cas. Let’s go.” He reached down a hand to him.

 

Cas reached up and felt himself pulled to his feet. Dean released him and picked up the box that Cas had carried down. He made his way to the van with it. Cas followed. Dean opened the passenger’s side door and directed Cas in. Cas complied without a word. Dean popped back into the house, seemingly to tell the others the plan. He was back moments later and seated at the wheel. He seemingly had decided that his leg was healed up enough for the drive. Plus, Cas did not look like he was fit for the responsibility. Cas pressed his head against the window and gazed out the side of the van at the passing world. He felt the emotional tide ebb in again and closed his eyes against it.

 

 


	58. A Long September

Dean had taken them up to the condo and then told Cas that he was going to go get the guys to help him take the van’s contents to storage. Cas acknowledged all of this with a nod and he and Lil quietly went about preparing a light supper. They decided to heat a can of soup. It seemed fitting as Cas remembered all the times that his own mother made soup for him when he had been sick. True, they weren’t sick, but it felt the same anyway.

 

Lil joined him at the table and he placed the overly large bowl in front of her. Her face stared back at him beyond the steam that was rising from its surface.“You may want to blow on it. It is hot.” Cas muttered.

 

She lifted the spoon but did not eat. She just seemed to be fiddling with it. She finally lifted a small spoonful to her lips. She sipped at it and then set it back in the bowl. “Will I be living with you for always?”

 

“Yes. Is that okay with you?” Cas set down his spoon and looked across the table at her.

 

“Yes.” She raised the spoon to her lips again and blew on the contents a little. The steam from the bowl seemed to part and flow out around her face a little.

 

“Lil, I hope that you know that you are my favorite little person in the world.” Cas smiled at her. She looked at him like he was strange.

 

“I am not that little.”

 

“Okay, then you are my favorite person in the world.”

 

“What about Dean?” She sipped some more soup.

 

“He’s okay.” Cas smiled at her again. “I will do anything to make you happy and to keep you safe. Do you understand?”

 

“Uh huh.” They each dipped into their bowls and fell into a prolonged silence. After they had finished their food, Cas had decided to unpack the one box of Lil’s that they had carried up to the condo. They put her clothes into the drawers and laid out her toys on top of the dresser. Cas was making a mental note on how to make this room less like a guest room and more like a kid’s room. Once they got the room all squared away, Cas went into the guest closet and pulled out an old electronic keyboard. He set it on the dresser and plugged it in.

 

“This can be for you, for if you want to play songs or sing.” He was thinking about what she had said about feeling connected to her mom. He switched it on and pressed a key. It sounded okay for an electronic keyboard.

 

“I don’t know how to play. Will you teach me?” She reached out to it and pressed a couple of keys. The discordant sound made her let go quickly.

 

“Of course. Maybe we can get you lessons. That might be nice, huh?” Cas brushed a hand across her head.

 

“Play something.” She plopped up on the bed and waited.

 

“What should I play?” His mind was going blank. He knew a great many songs, but somehow they were all fleeing from his mind.

 

“I don’t know. Something pretty.”

 

Cas decided then, that he would be able to play “In the Still of the Night.” It was simple enough and he could fake his way through some of it if he forgot the tune or the lyrics. He ran his fingers over the keys and gave himself an elongated prelude that did not normally exist. Then he sang. The tune was warm and melodious. He closed his eyes and slipped through each verse. He let his mind wander over the words. He remembered holding M in the alley. He thought about holding Dean in the hospital. He thought about holding Lil on the front porch of her house. They had each spent so much time holding on. The words of the song wrapped around his thoughts and he sang them out until the last note fell into silence. He opened his eyes and looked at Lil. “Was that okay.”

 

“Yes.” She smiled at him. “I hope that I can sound like that when I grow up.” She hugged him and they sat together taking comfort from the warmth of each other.

 

The evening wore on and eventually Lil let a little yawn escape her lips. She was trying not to sleep, and Cas was starting to see that this was going to be a continual struggle for him. Are you sleepy yet?”

 

“No.” But her eyes were hardly opened when she responded.

 

“Here let me help you get your pjs on.” He helped her pull her shirt up over her head and he replaced it with a long black and white striped nightgown. It had a large Jack Skellington on the front. Cas asked her about it, and she had claimed that her mom bought it for her for Halloween. Cas had said something about Halloween being just around the corner, so she decided to wear it.

 

“I’m not tired yet.” Lil shared again.

 

“I know, but you still have to get ready for bed.” She went along with his efforts and even brushed her teeth without too much coaxing. Eventually he convinced her to crawl into bed. Her eyes fell shut, and Cas was able to tip-toe out to the kitchen. He dished up a little more of the soup from earlier and popped it into the microwave for a late night snack. He wondered if Dean would come back tonight or if he was still bristling about the earlier torment. Cas felt bad, but it was too late to fix it now. _I shouldn’t have to put on a show for his people. It is all I can do to just put on this show of being fine for Lil._ Cas felt himself growing irritated with his thoughts. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions today.

 

It was then that he wondered why Dean had not returned yet. He scooped up his phone from the counter and looked at it for messages. There was nothing. He sat at the table with his soup and thought about calling, or texting. He can’t still be angry. Then he remembered that he was still angry so why would Dean be any different. He tried to push aside the conflicting emotions in order to just focus on eating and maybe sleep. He glanced over at the box on the floor and thought about reading through the contents.

 

When he finished with the soup he got up and rummaged through the box on the floor until he came to the special box at the bottom. He pulled it out and carried it to his bedroom. He set it on the bed and changed for bed. He plumped up some pillows and sat against them with his legs folded beneath him. He pulled the box to him and spread its contents out. Finding the file on Dean, Cas decided to begin there. It was not a lengthy file, but it was telling. M had, in fact, prepared it. He wondered if it had been seen by anyone else. _If it had been shared, would she have hidden it in the secret desk compartment? Who was she hiding it from?_ These were the questions that had been plaguing him since he first set eyes on it. He wondered why she had a file on Dean, and then he remembered with a half smile playing out on his face, how she had joked about his dossier containing information about past relationships. I guess that it wasn’t entirely a joke. He began reading the notes that she had scrawled into the file though and the smile quickly fell from his face.

 

_Dean Winchester is not who he claims to be. It is unclear, yet whether or not Mr. Novak is aware of the other life that his boyfriend is leading. He has been in law enforcement for at least ten years. Sam Winchester is most definitely aware. It seems that he was accused of passing case information off to his brother on Adrien Salvatore. Salvatore claims to have seen Sam talking with the DEA. The description that he provided of the agent sounded more like Dean though. This knowledge is useful as it may afford an opportunity for information to flow into the right hands._

 

Cas paused in his reading and wondered what she meant by “the right hands.” He felt like he was growing more confused by the reading instead of enlightened. _M knew. How could she have known all of this?_ He took a deep breath and began reading again.

 

_Dean Winchester is working primarily as a warehouse grunt at Niveus’ distribution center. We did not do an adequate background check on him. Someone on the inside must have been helping him to make that happen. He has been on-site for a little over a year as a part-time employee. I can’t tell what he is investigating, or what he has unearthed. I can’t imagine that he will find anyting. The warehouse contains none of the secrets._

 

The next chunk of notes were written in a different ink. Cas assumed that they were added later. They just seemed to be general notes.

 

_The deed is done and now we wait. I don’t think that Cas knows anything about Dean’s being a cop. It doesn’t matter though, since Sam is on the team now. It is easy to convince people that you aren’t so bright when you introduce alcohol into the equation. This group tends to accept people at face value. It is odd how comfortable they have been with me. It is disconcerting at times and also something more profound. I don’t know how to feel about it._

 

Cas turned to his dossier to look for notes and found one scrawled on the back in long form.

 

_At first I found him to be a run-of-the-mill attorney. Later, he turned out to be something more. He is a man of compassion and ethics in a sad, disgusting world. I think that this world was not meant for someone like him._

 

He felt sadness descending on him again and he let himself cry a little. He pushed the papers aside and thought. _It is you that were too good for this sad, disgusting world._ He was trying to piece together what he had read when he heard the front door open. It was Dean. Cas had given him a key earlier. Cas stared out past his open bedroom door into the living room. He watched Dean walk with a pained look on his face. The stumbling movements as he made his way to the couch convinced Cas that Dean had overexerted himself. He really wasn’t supposed to be walking on that leg without his crutches, but he was stubborn. Cas considered getting up to talk with him, but he decided against it. Instead he gathered up the papers and put them back into the box. He slipped it under the bed and switched off the lights.

 

Now he could go to bed, knowing that the people that he cared about were safe under one roof. He may not want to argue or talk about the day, but that didn’t change the fact that he loved the people in his home at this moment. Besides, it will be easier to talk after a good night’s sleep. He felt his mind drifting off into sleep with one final thought, _or maybe he’ll come to bed and we won’t need to talk._ That did not happen though. Cas’ only company as he slept came to him in the form of his dreams.

 

 


	59. More Than Words

The room was bright and warm. He sat at the table with Lil and M. They were eating and smiling. No one was talking though. It was just pleasant. Cas glanced at M and noticed that her wine glass needed replenishing. He reached over with the bottle and poured until her glass was generously full.

 

“Happy?” He asked her.

 

“Yes, Cas. I got my favorite people right here.” She smiled at Lil first then Cas. “What’s on your mind?”

 

“So many things. I wish that I understood your notes.” He drank from his own wine glass and noticed that Lil was making little play doh creatures at the table instead of eating.

 

“Okay. Why don’t you start with the basics.”

 

“You knew that Dean was a cop?” He stared steadily at her. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail, a dark curl fell in front of her ear.

 

“I did.” She sipped from her glass. “It was easy enough to discover. I looked into him after Ezra’s party.”

 

“I figured that out, I think from the way that you laid out the notes.” He glanced over at Lil. She was making a tiny woman. She was using her fingernail to add details to the face. She was looking at it with intensity. “What did you mean when you said that Dean could help move information into the right hands?”

 

“Lucky likes to feed information to the authorities from time to time. He likes to confuse them.”

 

“Oh.” Cas sounded disappointed.

 

“Well, there were other goals too.” She reached out to him and held his hand. “I was unhappy with certain things, as you already know. I couldn’t live with what I was a part of. I had to do something, so I did.”

 

“What did you do?”

 

“I made sure to leave just the right information on your desk overnight. I also made sure that Sam got just enough intriguing details to want to see more, and pass them on to someone with a little more power. I had hoped that the sheer volumes of files that I had checked out would be enough to obscure the missing files, but, I had no such luck it turns out.” She was looking at Lil now. “God, I love her. Why did I have to go off and develop a moral compass? I could have stayed with her forever.”

 

“Why did you?” Cas felt her hand tighten on his.

 

“Children are my Achilles’ Heel, Cas.” He didn’t understand, but before she could explain he noticed her turn toward Lil. Lil had finished making the figure. She turned it to them in triumph, and Cas could see its face. A familiar face from the photographs. A face that Cas had seen before. Then she took her tiny fist and raised it up only to smash it down on the figure with enough force to jar Cas awake.

 

\---

It took him a few moments to regain a normal breathing pattern. When he did he rolled over and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand, 6:30 am. _Wow, a full night’s sleep._ He sat up slowly reaching out to the other side of the bed that Dean had been occupying most nights, but not this past night. It was cold. He slipped out of the blankets and made his way out to the living room. It was quiet and softly illuminated in the early morning glow that seeped in through the windows. He could see that the couch was occupied, so he made his way over to it.

 

Dean was passed out and tipped to the side in a half sitting, half laying position. Lil was laying in front of him, his arms and a blanket wrapped around her. Her head was tipped back across his torso. It was a funny posture and looked like it would be completely uncomfortable. It reminded Cas of the way that kittens would sleep when they were first born, a tangle of limbs and faces all piled up on one another.

 

He tip-toed away to get his phone. He wanted to take a picture of them looking peaceful. He flicked to the camera app and came back to them. He snapped the picture. The flash went off. Dean cracked open an eye. “What are you doing?”

 

At least he didn’t sound angry anymore. “Taking a picture. It looked like a moment that needed to be saved.” Cas came down to eye-level with Dean. Lil had not been disturbed by the flash.

 

Dean reached out and placed a hand on Cas, “You okay?”

 

“Yeah, I guess. You?” Cas didn’t know how to respond. They couldn’t really talk with Lil right there practically ready to wake up.

 

“I’m old. My leg is killing me. I remember when I could bounce back from injuries without much effort.”

 

“Really, Dean, you do recall that you were shot, don’t you? This isn’t some minor injury.”

 

“Yeah, mom.” Dean adopted a snarky tone. Then he fell into a quieter voice, “I don’t know what to say about yesterday. So, instead of talking about it yesterday, I decided to just throw myself into the task of moving all of the stuff into storage. The guys helped a lot.”

 

“Did Jorge harass you any more?” Cas folded his legs under himself and leaned his head down next to Dean.

 

Dean shrugged by way of an answer. “Jorge said that he was going to watch the house to see if anyone comes or goes from it. It is hard to know who to pin the responsibility on. I mean A never said who sent him, and our suspicions really mean nothing.” Dean sounded frustrated. “Catching someone breaking into the house would help. I mean if we had someone that we could question, now that would be quite helpful.”

 

“Hmm.” Cas sat up then and planned to start some coffee. He looked back at Dean as he stood to go and saw his expression drop into something rather sad. Cas couldn’t help himself though, he felt the need to share his feelings about the day before. He came back down into a crouch and said, “You were an ass  yesterday. Just so you know. I didn’t tell him that you were my boyfriend. He just kind of figured it out. But even if I did, even if I shouted it from the god damn mountaintops, it should be fine. Just so you know how I feel about this subject.” Dean stared back at him but did not speak. Cas could not read his expression beyond the sadness that played about at the corners of his eyes. “We on the same page?” Cas stood again.

 

He waited for Dean to respond. “Hmm.” Lil was stirring now and the conversation had to end. Cas walked over to the kitchen and made the coffee. His day was going to be a little full if he could convince to Dean to watch Lil. He needed to go to the office. These little treks in would help him buy more time with Lil. He was hoping to extend his leave by an extra week by taking a few meetings and such while he was supposed to be off.

 

He called back over his shoulder, “You mind watching Lil while I go to the office today?”

 

“Do you have to?” Cas turned to Dean and wondered at the question.

 

“It would be helpful. If you don’t want to, just say so.” Cas turned back to the coffee, willing it to brew faster.

 

“I didn’t mean it that way. I just can’t keep an eye on you both if you are there.”

 

“Lil and I were alone for most of the evening last night and we are fine.” Cas couldn’t help but sound a little dismissive. Lil was up now and stumbling off to the bathroom. “Good morning, munchkin.”

 

“Mornin’ Cas.” She did not pause in her path.

 

Dean got up and hobbled over to the kitchen counter. “Of course I’ll watch her. Go do what you need to do. When will you be back?”

 

“I want to try to put in a whole day. Mind if I come back around 5:30ish?” Cas pulled down two mugs and bowls for cereal.

 

He felt Dean come up behind him and loop his arms around his waist. “Like I said, do what you need to do. I’ll be here.” His face was resting on Cas’ shoulder. His words brushed across his cheek like a kiss. Cas wasn’t quite ready to let Dean off the hook. He seemed to be trying to apologize with actions and Cas wanted words. _If he can use words to be angry, he can use words to make this right._ It wasn’t easy having resolve though. Dean had carefully positioned himself. His body was stretched up along all of Cas’ back. Dean’s arms were sitting just a little lower than they would if this were a casual hug. He felt his body responding and made a move away from Dean. He stepped to the side and Dean’s arms fell. Cas opened the fridge and pulled out the milk.

 

“Mind grabbing the cereal? It’s up there.” Cas pointed at the cabinet. When he looked at Dean’s face, he could see that he was disappointed. They set the table with the cereal and coffee, along with the orange juice for Lil. She came out and joined them. Meals were usually easy for them. If their entire relationship could be spent eating or preparing food, then, _well I’d weigh a literal ton._ It would be easier though to just focus on something so basic.

 

“You ready to keep me company today? Cas thinks that he has to go to work or something.” Dean said good naturedly to Lil.

 

“Okay. Did you say sorry to Cas?” Dean looked uncomfortable. Lil kept on eating innocently unaware of the effect that her question had on Dean.

 

“I thought that I did, but now I think that maybe I didn’t.” Dean looked over to Cas.

 

“You’ll get no help from me. I need to get ready for work.” He stood and gathered his bowl and mug to drop off in the sink. He wandered into the bedroom and closed the door to get ready in private. He had to smile a little at the thought of Lil calling him out on his behavior.   _Dean Winchester, you don’t stand a chance against us._ Cas chuckled a little. He took time to shower and shave. He picked out a navy colored business suit. He looked out the window and saw that the sky was unseasonably overcast so he decided to throw on an extra layer, a tan trenchcoat. Cas came back into the room with his briefcase in hand.

 

Dean looked over at him and so did Lil. “You look pretty, Cas.” Lil said from her seat on the couch.

 

Cas looked down at himself and then smiled back at them. He did a little turn and said, “I don’t see it, but if you say so.” He walked over and placed a little kiss on her head. “It’s nice to have a little fan club.”

 

Cas moved to go, then Dean said, “Wow, Cas, cold.” Dean had his head tipped to the side.

 

“What?” Cas knew what, but he was still angling for words.

 

“Nothing, I guess.” Dean looked pretty pitiful. Cas decided to leave.

 

“I’ll be back around 5:30 then. Call me if you need me to change plans.” With that he closed the door and headed off for work.

 

 


	60. After the Fire

Walking back into the office was pleasant. The last visit was tense, and he barely remembered it. This time, he was greeted by his secretary and others that he passed in the hall. It was a jovial atmosphere. He took a stack of files from his secretary into his office and prepared to accomplish whatever he could in just a few hours. It is always hard to get work done though when you are returning from a leave. Everyone always wants to talk, or just pop in for a sec.

 

It wasn’t long before Sam was hanging about in his doorframe with Anna at his elbow. “You up for a break?” Sam asked.

 

“I literally just got here.” Cas responded with a tone of mock frustration.

 

They came in and sat across from him. “So, how are you doing, Cas?” Anna asked.

 

“Been better.” Cas looked at her and smiled half-heartedly.

 

“Is Dean being a nuisance or is he helping?” Sam asked.

 

“A little from column A and a little from column B.” Cas could see Sam processing the statement and wondered if he should mention the issues from the day before. It would be nice to talk it out.

 

“So, full disclosure,” Sam began, “Dean may have called me to make sure that you made it here okay.”

 

Anna chimed in then, “And he may have called me for advice that I am not allowed to discuss around Sam, because, and I quote, ‘he is a bitch’ end quote.”

 

“So, I guess that means that Dean is suddenly comfortable talking about his so called private life.” Cas chuckled a little at the irony.

 

“Well, he did try to talk about it with me, but I was all kinds of not helpful. I guess it was a good thing that Anna was able to offer up a more sensitive perspective. He did call me back after he spoke with Anna to make some arrangements, so I guess that I am a little forgiven.”

 

“What arrangements?” Cas asked.

 

“Oh, nothing to worry over. He is just trying to be a better human being,” Sam offered.

 

“So Sammy, cover your ears so I can ask Cas a question without breaking the Dean trust.” She waited for Sam to comply then continued, “So are you still mad at him? I’d hate to think that I was helping him out if you weren’t ready for him to apologize or something.”

 

“Is he planning to apologize?” Cas wondered why an apology would take effort. _It’s just two to three little words. It’s not rocket science._

 

“You know how he has some issues with the whole talking thing, right?” Anna threw a glance at Sammy to make sure that he was still covering his ears.

 

“Yeah, I kind of picked up on Dean’s little issues.” Cas was having trouble staying serious with Sam covering his ears like one of the hear no evil monkeys.

 

“Well, he is overthinking it, because he said the wrong thing before, and it was very easy to go down that path. His heart is in the right place, he just needed a little help. I think that I got him on the right path. Let me know if I made a mistake.” Anna got up and swatted at Sam’s arm. “Come on, silly.” She headed for the door. “Love ya, Cas.”

 

Sam followed obediently. “See ya later buddy.” Sam called back as they left.

\---

Their visit was the shot in the arm that he needed to get back into things. It didn’t hurt that Dean was thinking about things and possibly planning to apologize. He allowed his mind to focus on the papers in front of him, and the universe allowed him to maintain that focus for a few hours. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the quiet was broken by the sound of his intercom.

 

“Sorry to interrupt Mr. Novak, but I have a Mr. Crowley here to see you.” His secretary’s voice sounded genuinely sorry. Cas considered several options, all of which seemed problematic.

 

After several seconds, he pushed the button and said, “Send him in. Let Gabe know that Mr. Crowley is here.” Cas decided that this visit might be better as a group meeting.

 

He stood up as the door opened and in walked Lucky. “Hello, Mr. Novak.” He walked to Cas with purpose and extended his hand in what seemed like an attempt at a handshake. Cas ignored it and instead gave him a nod and directed him to the seat. Cas sat back down at his desk again and waited for Lucky to speak. The waiting continued for a few more awkward seconds. Cas hoped that Gabe would join them soon. He had no intention of starting the conversation with Lucky. “I mentioned to your secretary that we would not be needing any additional company for this meeting, so if you are waiting for Gabe, it will be a long wait.” Lucky rested his hands on his legs. His impeccable black suit gave him an added air of seriousness. Cas continued to stare at Lucky and debated the option of not speaking whatsoever.

 

“What’s on your mind,  Mr. Crowley?” Cas asked to speed the meeting along and hopefully bring it to a quick end.

 

“A great many things, Cas.” He used Cas’ first name and Cas cringed at the sound of it, too familiar, on his lips. I came to apologize for the actions of my associate. It has come to my attention that you were attacked by A and that he is now in the hospital. Some very well-meaning officers showed up at my office to question me about the incident. You can only imagine my surprise when I heard that you had been harmed and M. I can’t even imagine why A would do such a thing to her. He knew that she was one of my favorites.” It was hard for Cas to keep listening to him, his tone was all wrong.

 

“As you can imagine, I am very busy. So, if that is all, then…” Cas began to stand to signify the end of the talk.

 

“Actually, there is more. I won’t lie to you, Cas. That’s important. That’s fundamental. So, believe me when I say that, if I wanted to sic A on you, I would have been man enough to tell you as he slit your throat.” The words did not offer the comfort that Lucky’s tone seemed to be trying to impart.

 

“Well, I think that you’ll be going now.” Cas started to stand up again, but Lucky’s words pushed him back into his seat again.

 

“I have just one more thing. It’s about Lil.” Lucky reached into his coat and withdrew an envelope. He slid it across the desk. “This is for her. I heard that she was in your custody. So I will assume that you will know how to handle this. It is money that would have gone to her mother had she lived. We’ll call it hazard pay. It is not a pay off. So, don’t don that troubled expression. You may find it hard to believe, but I actually had a soft spot for that woman. She was one of the special ones. Her kid deserved to know her. I wish that I had known A’s plans so that I could have shot him myself.” Cas saw something in Lucky’s face that seemed honest. It was eerie and he did not want to trust it.

 

“So, if I accept this for her, it will not represent payment for her losses. Should she choose to address her losses through the courts, you would not consider this to stand in conflict with that.” Cas stated this in a flat voice, all business like in its tone.

 

“I do believe that I said this already.” Lucky began to get up then.

 

“I would like to sever our relationship now. I do not believe that it would be in either of our best interests to continue working together.” Cas stood too.

 

“I would like to ask you to reconsider. I think that you would do an excellent job on our upcoming merger.”

 

“There are better choices out there. Like I said, I do not think that it is in our best interests to work together.” Cas waited for Lucky to leave.

 

Lucky, instead reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a second envelope. “I wasn’t going to give you this, but since we are severing our relationship, it seems fitting.” He placed the envelope on the desk. “Consider it an apology. Like the other envelope it comes with no strings. I would like for you to consider the possibility of continuing to represent my interests during the merger, but if you can’t, then so be it.” Lucky strode out the door in four quick strides and left Cas standing at his desk bewildered and concerned.

 

Cas tried to go back to the work that he was doing before Lucky interrupted. He couldn’t concentrate though. The envelopes were staring at him.  He opened Lil’s envelope and looked down in shock at the numbers. She would not want for anything. He hesitated as he stared down at his envelope. He could justify opening her’s, but he could not see a reason to even consider his. He tapped his hand with it for a second or two, and then sliced through the seam. He pulled out the check and could not think of a justification for such a sum. It felt corrupt and dirty, M’s life boiled down to dollars and cents. He got up and plucked his briefcase from the floor. He opened it and tossed the two checks in. He felt done. He hoped that home would offer up comfort and an escape from the issues that must be confronted. He stalked out the door and did not look back.

 

 


	61. Always

Cas strode off of the elevator and was greeted by the smells of a most glorious meal wafting down the hall. He paused in mid-step and hoped that it was coming from his home. As he drew closer, it became more obvious that it was his home that was the culprit. _Whatever this is, I can’t imagine a better distraction from an otherwise disturbing day._ He opened the door then and stepped in.

 

Dean was setting a table with the nice plates and candles. They weren’t lit yet, but the effect was still pleasing. The stove was still in an early stage of bubbling and steaming, it seemed. The smells of it all dancing about the room pulled Cas in from the hall. “Ah, Cas, you got home early. I thought that I would have at least another 30 minutes to get ready.” Dean came over to him and helped him shuck his trenchcoat.

 

‘Where’s Lil?” Cas looked around the room for tell-tale signs of her form.

 

“I had Jess pick her up for the evening. Sam said that they could watch her. I hope that was okay. I maybe should have asked first. I could always call him and undo it.” Dean was rambling and Cas smiled at his obvious nervousness.

 

“It’s fine, Dean.” He leaned over the red sauce and took a deep breath. “This smells like garlicky goodness.” Cas smiled over at Dean.

 

“Here, taste.” Dean lifted the spoon to Cas’ lips with just a bit of the steaming sauce. Cas tasted it. “What do you think? I made it. None of that jarred stuff.”

 

“I’ll be spoiled forever now. It is great.” Cas stepped back. “I think that I’ll go get changed into something a bit more casual. I’m plenty ready to get out of this thing.”

 

Dean reached over and took his hand before he could leave and said, “I need to kiss you. You left this morning in that suit, looking like some kind of amazing, and it just about wrecked me.”

 

Cas leaned over and gave him a chaste little peck on the cheek and then sauntered away to his room, casting a glance back over his shoulder. Dean looked at him like he was a little disappointed. “What, Dean? Did I let you down?”

 

“Uh, no. I was just hoping for a little more.” He looked back at the food on the stove a little sheepishly.

 

“Well, let’s see how dinner goes. Maybe, if you play your cards right, I might just let you get to second base.” He raised his lips into a wry grin and saw that Dean brightened at that.

 

“Was kinda hoping for a home run if we are going with sports metaphors.” Dean stared back at Cas.

 

“Were you now? We’ll have to see about that.” Cas turned and entered his room to find that Dean had been at work in here too. He had cleaned and there was a note on his pillow. He picked it up and read it. _Cas, I suck at words. So, before we talk over what will hopefully be a successful meal, I want to say, I’m sorry. I will try not to screw this up when I talk later, but at least I think that I got it right here. Anna told me to do it this way. I hope she was right. Anyway, I’m sorry, Cas, please forgive me. Dean-obviously._

 

He had to smile at the little effort. It was sweet. He pulled open some drawers and rummaged around for a button up shirt that was nice and also casual enough at the same time. He didn’t find what he was looking for at first, so he went to the closet and began looking through the hanging clothes. He found a blue-grey shirt just as the sound of music began wafting past the slightly open door. It wasn’t Dean’s music, the rough rock that he had been subjected to in the truck before. It was the sounds of a softer ballad. He cocked his head to the side to try to place the song. “Ah, Bon Jovi.” He whispered out to the empty room. He changed quickly and was back out in the other room before the song had finished.

 

“So, I am not good at the wine thing. If you want to pick that out, we might have something that actually tastes good with this meal.” Dean was busy over the stove. He had lit the candles on the table and turned down the room lights, thus creating an effect that was pleasing. Cas walked over to his wine cabinet and ran his fingers over the various bottles until he reached one from his family’s vineyard. He had been saving it. It was one of their pinot noirs. Supposedly, it had won some awards, according to his brother, but who knows. He set it on the counter and retrieved the corkscrew from the drawer to open it up.

 

He turned to look at Dean behind him and saw that he was already looking at him. “Whatcha staring at?” Cas asked. The flirting tone was shameless. He leaned back against the counter a little and smiled.

 

“You look nice.” He stopped what he was doing then and moved to Cas’ personal space. He pressed in close and moved his hands around Cas’ waist. “I might burn dinner. You are very distracting.” His voice was a low grumble as he leaned down close to Cas’ lips. There was a little space between them. Cas wanted the kiss. Dean did not bridge the gap. He just lingered there a mere fraction of an inch from contact. Cas felt his body responding to Dean’s, but he kept his hands on the counter behind him. He realized that he had been holding his breath in anticipation of the kiss that still wasn’t happening. Dean stepped back and Cas sucked in a ragged breath then. Dean turned back to the stove like nothing had happened.

 

“Tease.” Cas said as he turned back to the wine.

 

“Are you complaining? I thought that you wanted to wait until after dinner.” Dean’s tone was playful. Cas finished opening the bottle and left it to air. He walked up to Dean and ran his hands around his waist then and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder while Dean gave the sauce a little stir. He swayed a little to the music while holding him. Dean turned his head a little and kissed him on the forehead. “I hope that you like the music. I had Sammy set me up with a playlist that we put on your stereo. I hand picked the songs and hopefully, he got them all on there.”

 

“So far, so good. I like “Always” and you already knew that I had a soft spot for REO Speedwagon. Will Queen be making an appearance, or “Hey Jude?”

 

“Maybe. I tried to get all of the lighter ones from karaoke night and some of the stuff that you have shown a liking for since then. I wanted you to see that I have been paying attention.” The song ended and the next began. Cas was running his hands down Dean’s body a little seductively. He pressed his hands flat to Dean’s hips and nuzzled his face into his neck. He kissed him and felt Dean shudder as he moved his lips up to his jawline. “If you keep that up, we will have to skip dinner entirely, which might or might not be a shame at this point.” Dean set down the cooking utensil that he was using and gripped the counter as Cas continued to work his lips along Dean’s neck. His hands straying down farther, Dean reached up and switched off the stove and turned fully on Cas, slamming their bodies hard against the fridge.

 

A few items fell but they didn’t care. Cas felt Dean press his lips to his. Clothes were coming off rather awkwardly. Dean’s fingers fell to work on Cas’ barely worn shirt, and Cas pulled at Dean’s tee-shirt. Shirts gone, they were back at each other’s mouths. Cas’ lips felt swollen with the effort. Dean’s lips parted and Cas tasted the warm caress of Dean’s tongue. He had been craving this comfort. It was his and only his. He wanted Dean. He thought that maybe he had always wanted Dean, even when he didn’t know him. This man was so many things that he could never have imagined as his type, yet at the same time he was now the only type he could even imagine. They were slipping down to the floor together, Dean was pressed on top of him running his hands up over his body to his neck. He was carding his fingers through the back of Cas’ hair as he let his kisses run down Cas’ neck. “God, Dean. I want you.”

 

Dean paused with Cas’ words and raised his face to look down at him. “You can have me. Always’ Cas.” Cas felt his heartbeat stutter at the words. They felt like love. Dean sat up a bit and continued, “I don’t deserve you. I’ll never deserve you.” Cas pulled himself up a little, angling himself closer to Dean’s face, willing him to see how much he disagreed. “You make everything that I do matter. I will never want anything as much as I want this.” Dean slowly leaned into Cas and kissed him. His hands pulling Cas up closer to him. When he broke away slowly, Cas could see love in Dean. “Everything that I do from this day forward, is going to be for you, for us. You are it for me, Cas. Just you, always.” There was more than the words floating between them and Cas felt it too. He may not have said that he loved Cas, but he had said something so close that Cas cherished it anyway.

 

Cas pulled Dean to him again. He never wanted to let go of this moment. Cas broke away just enough to murmur out, “I love you too.” He wasn’t sure if Dean heard him, but he was sure that he understood what he was feeling as they settled back to the floor together. And their dinner grew cold on the stove, but none of that mattered to either of them.

 

 


	62. I'm A Devil on the Run

The two of them were sitting on the floor. Dean had the green blanket wrapped around himself and Cas had one of the blankets from his bedroom. Dean had retrieved the two blankets for them when it became clear that Cas was considering putting his clothes back on. Truthfully, neither was ready to return to the land of the standing or sitting. They were more content to lounge around on the floor. “A guy could get use to this.” Dean stood up and made up two plates of food from the items on the stove. “Now, dinner, not exactly what I had intended it to be, but, I think that it will work for you.”

 

“You won’t find me complaining.” Cas grinned up at him as he handed him the plate of food. He reached over Cas and snagged the bottle of wine and passed that down too. “Wine glasses are over there.” Cas waved to Dean’s right.

 

He grabbed those and returned to the floor with his plate. They ate in blissful quiet. “You happy with your food?”

 

“Uhhuh.” Cas muttered around a mouthful of pasta. Cas glanced up at the clock and asked, “Do I need to worry about your brother wandering in with Lil anytime soon?”

 

“Nah, I told him to text before he came back. I told him to try to aim for 10ish. He seemed to think that 10ish was a little late for a kid, but Lil backed me up.”

 

“She would. I think that I have a future attorney on my hands.” They both laughed at the thought of their little munchkin defending her right to stay up late.

 

“I won’t have a chance with the two of you.” Dean smiled over at Cas.

 

“And don’t you forget it.”

 

“Speaking of…” Dean paused a second then continued, “I need to say I’m sorry, like out loud. So, I’m sorry.” Dean ended awkwardly.

 

Cas laughed at him a little. “I got the memo. I also got the grand gesture that was dinner and well, not dinner. You’re forgiven.” Cas leaned forward and kissed him lightly. “Of course, I might just let you behave like an ass every now and then if this is how you make up for it.”

 

“I am not what you would call a sensible man, so I will likely need to resort to such grand gestures often. Hopefully, they don’t get too old, or predictable.” Now it was Dean’s turn to swipe a kiss.

 

Cas sipped his wine and set aside his plate. “After dinner there is some stuff that I need to share with you. Today has been eventful, and I need you to help me.”

 

Dean looked suddenly serious. “Sure, Cas. You okay?”

 

“Lucky came to my office.” Dean stiffened, and sprang up from the floor as if he were going to do something right then, and it was going to be physical. Cas didn’t mean to minimize the seriousness of their conversation with laughter, but Dean did not take the blanket with him when he stood.

 

“This isn’t funny Cas. Why didn’t you tell me this right away?” He was a storm stalking about in the room with no direction. “I’m going to kill him.” He started grabbing his clothes and was trying to put them on. “What did he want?”

 

Cas finally stood up too and started to get dressed. _I guess the spell is broken, back to reality._ “He gave me money.”

 

“What?” Dean exclaimed.

 

“I’m just as shocked as you. I think that it was an attempt to corrupt me. Clearly, I’m not accepting it. I decided that it was best to say little and end the conversation with him as quickly as possible.” Cas grabbed Dean’s arms and forced him to look at him. “I need you to calm down.”

 

Dean seemed to realize that he was acting crazy and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I just can’t believe that he had the balls to show up at your office. Can’t you sue him for harassment or something?”

 

“Come to the table.” They both walked over to the table half dressed and took seats next to each other. “I don’t think that he sent A to attack us.”

 

“That’s crazy, Cas. Of course he sent him. Who else would send him?” Dean was touching him. It was like he needed to maintain contact in order to assure himself that Cas was here, that he was okay.

 

“I know it sounds crazy. You didn’t hear him though. There was something sincere in his tone when he talked about M. He really liked her. He was angry with A. He also said some creepy stuff that made me uncomfortable, while at the same time, it kind of convinced me.”

 

“What did he say?” Dean leaned toward him. He was breathing in Cas’ air.

 

“He said that if he were going to have my throat slit that he would be man enough to tell me to my face first, or something to that effect.” Dean’s breath hitched up. Cas grabbed his shoulders to keep him from springing up again. “It’s okay, Dean. I’m fine.”

 

“God, Cas. I am freaking out a little.”

 

“I ended the conversation by telling him that I would no longer be representing him. As he parted he gave me an envelope with a check. This was in addition to the one for Lil.” Cas felt like Dean was calm enough now, so he got up and retrieved the rest of their clothes and said, “Here, get dressed and I’ll show you the contents of the box that I got from M’s. Maybe together we can put some of this information together in a way that makes sense.” Dean complied, and they made quick work of cleaning up the kitchen and getting dressed.

 

\---

 

They had gone through the papers in the box. Dean looked stressed. He kept running his hands up over his face into his hair. He would occasionally get up and stalk around the room reading from one stack of papers or another. They had not come to a more reasonable assumption than that Lucky had sent A to Skybar that night. Cas just couldn’t accept it though. After too much reading, Cas pulled out the pictures and spread them across the table. Then there are these. Dean looked at them and then flipped them over looking for any tell-tale notes that were not there. Cas’ eyes fell on one of the pictures then. _The face, how could I have forgotten that face?_ “She was on a jury. Ezra Brady’s jury to be exact. She was the forewoman.”

 

“Odd, why are there pictures of her in M’s box?” Dean picked up the picture and looked at it closely. “Did M work for Ezra too?”

 

“I doubt it, but Lucky was at the courthouse the day that the verdict was read. He was sitting in the back of the room and she looked at him with fear as she was reading the verdict. It always felt weird, that verdict, that moment.” Cas spread the other pictures out and looked at them. “I wish I understood the connection.” Dean looked at the other pictures next. “What’s the deal with all of the picture of kids?” Before Cas could even consider an answer, Dean’s phone buzzed.

 

Without looking at the phone, Dean said, “I bet that it’s Sammy trying to convince me that Lil has stayed out late enough now.” His expression changed though as he looked down at the phone and saw who was calling. Dean flicked on the phone and answered it. Cas could hear a low rumble of a voice speaking into Dean ‘s ear, then, “Shit, oh shit.” Dean pulled the phone away from his lip by a fraction. “A is missing.” He said to Cas. He began talking into the phone again. Cas felt his nerves firing off. “How could this happen, Jorge? He was under guard 24/7.” Dean’s rant was punctuated by pauses and muttered sounds of acknowledgement. Cas was ready to run to Lil. He grabbed his phone and called Sam before Dean even got off of the phone. She should not be brought here. A knew this place.

 

Somehow Cas had felt safe enough when he thought that A was not active. Somehow he had managed to convince himself that those that had directed A were sensible and that A was not. He had managed to make himself believe that so long as A was gone, that he could be relatively secure with Lil and Dean in his home. With A’s escape, though, Cas was reminded that no place was really safe. The desire to flee was overtaking him again.

 

“Sam, have you left your place yet?” Cas said the moment that he heard Sam answer.

 

Sam seemed to pick up on the urgency in Cas’ voice. “No. I was about to. What’s wrong?”

 

“A is missing. Dean’s on the phone with Jorge. I just needed to be sure that you didn’t bring Lil here. It wouldn’t be safe. A has been here before. He also has contacts that he will likely now be in communication with. I am going to call you with more information as soon as we figure this out.” Cas was trying to listen to Dean at the same time and it wasn’t working.

 

“Try to hurry.” Sam sounded worried.

 

“We will. Make sure that Lil doesn’t worry.” Cas thought about all of the things that she was being forced to confront on a near daily basis and he felt overwhelmed on her behalf.

 

“Don’t worry about Lil. We will be careful with her.” They hung up and Cas directed his attention to Dean who had just hung up the phone.

 

“So, what is happening?” Cas asked as Dean began straightening up the kitchen.

 

“Jorge is coming here. He thinks that there is maybe a chance that A will try to come here. He said that A had regained consciousness at some point this morning, but that he hadn’t spoken. They thought that he was incapable of speaking, but it is now believed that he was just pretending. The doctors said that A was still very weak. Jorge said that someone helped him escape. The security footage showed a man that looked like he could be A’s twin, minus the bullet wound.”

 

“What?” Cas exclaimed. “We need to get out of here.”

 

“My thoughts exactly. Get some of your stuff packed while we wait for Jorge. What did Sam say?” Dean was following him into the bedroom.

 

“He has Lil at his house. They hadn’t left yet. Thank God. I told him that we would call him once we figured out what we were doing.” Dean had pulled the duffle bag out and began stuffing it with the clothes that he had been storing in one of the dresser drawers. Cas remembered how Dean thought that it was a big deal to get a drawer. He had thought that it was reasonable to live out of that bag of his for the foreseeable future. Cas had had to convince him that this was a more reasonable approach to cohabitating. Cas felt suddenly frozen to the spot. He felt like his tightly wound existence was unraveling. He was shaking and suddenly, he felt Dean wrap his arms around him.

 

“It’s going to be okay. I got you.” Dean lowered Cas to the bed and said, “Just sit here. Let me pack for you.”

 

“I can do this.” Cas started to get up again, but he felt his knees giving out. _Come on. Get a grip_. He wanted to will his body into submission, but he just couldn’t stop the fear. “I shouldn’t be freaking out like this. He was pretty badly injured. It’s not like he will be strong enough to do much, but I just can’t help but remember what he had said in my office about having a friend that he could call upon to hurt M and Lil. He mentioned Lil directly. I told myself that if he was unconscious that no one could be sent after Lil. Which is stupid, I know, but I wanted to believe it. Now though, I feel like anything can happen.”

 

Dean came over to Cas and cupped his face in his hands. “I’m not going to let anyone hurt you or Lil. I’m going to get you to Bobby’s and I am going to protect you both.” He released Cas and then grabbed Cas’ bag to begin packing his things. The bag was nearly full. Dean went into the bathroom and gathered their toiletries. “I’ll need to get Lil’s stuff.” Dean threw the two bags onto the bed. “I’ll be right back.” Dean reached out and brushed a hand across Cas’ cheek before he left the room. Cas stood. He didn’t like the distance. He had regained control of his legs and propelled himself out of the room toward the guest room. Dean was rummaging around. He was hobbling a little less than he had in past days.

 

Cas stepped into the room. “I have a bag for her in the closet.” Cas stepped over to the closet and plucked up the bag from off of the floor. He handed it to Dean. “I have to take something over to Gabe’s.”

 

“No, you stay here.” Dean took on an added air of authority. “You don’t get to be out of my sight.” He grabbed Cas and stared into his eyes to make his point.

 

“It’s important.”

 

“It will have to wait until we are leaving.”

 

“Okay.” They both jumped at the sound of the knock at the door.

 

“It’s Jorge. A wouldn’t knock.” Dean said this as though it was meant to offer up comfort. He stalked out of the room and to the front door. He had his gun though, anyway, just as a precaution. He opened glanced into the peephole and opened the door.

 

“So, I have two men stationed downstairs in the lobby. Are you packing?” Jorge was looking at the princess themed duffle bag that Dean was holding.

 

“Yeah, I am sending Cas and Lil to my uncle Bobby’s place. I think they’ll be safer there.” Dean leveled a glare at Jorge as if he was daring him to challenge the plan.

 

“Whatever, Dean. I just think that this is an opportunity.” Jorge did not seem to be intimidated by Dean’s stare.

 

“For what? You think that I will let you use them as bait?” Dean took a step forward.

 

“Of course not. I was just saying. We could put this bastard away. We would be able to protect them here just fine.” Jorge’s tone was lower, an attempt at being convincing.

 

“Not on your life.” Then Dean turned to Cas and said, “Go get your bag and whatever else you needed. We’re going.” Dean could see Cas frozen in place again. He grabbed Cas’ arm and gave him a little push to his room. Once Cas was in motion, Dean went to the table and gathered up the items from the box. He put them into the box and then carried it into the bedroom. “Put this in my duffle bag.” He handed it to Cas and returned to the other room. Cas could still hear him talking with Jorge while he took care of the box.

 

“So, I can see that this really put a damper on your romantic evening.”

 

“Well, nothing like an escaped madman to put a damper on most things.” Dean responded in a way that made Cas happy despite their current situation. It was an acknowledgement and it was confident.

 

“I’m going to stay up here, and hopefully he is enough of an idiot to show up. When will you two be leaving?”

 

“Now, I think that we’ll take my car. I don’t think that it will be familiar.” Dean’s voice was drawing closer, and Cas hefted his bag to his shoulder. Dean walked over to the bed and grabbed the other bag in one hand and Lil’s bag in the other. They walked back out to the living room together. Dean threw a nod at Jorge. “Take care, Jorge. Really.”

 

“You too Dean. Contact me when you get to Bobby’s.” Jorge raised a hand and gave Dean a little slap on the back as they headed to the door. Cas had a large orange envelope in his hands. He had prepared it a little at a time over the past week. He felt that it was now time to set this part of his plan in motion.

 

Cas stepped up to Gabe’s door and knocked. Gabe answered a moment later. “What’s going on Cas?”

 

“I need to give you this. I can’t explain it all right now, but I think that once you look it over, that it will all make sense.” Cas handed him the envelope and added, “Dean and I are heading out. A has disappeared from the hospital and he seems to be getting help.”

 

“Oh, shit, Cas.” Gabe reached out a hand to his doorframe and held it.

 

Cas reached out and gave him a brief hug. “I’ll try to call you in a couple of days, once the dust settles a little. Maybe the police will catch him quickly.” He tried to sound hopeful, but he was failing.

 

“I can’t believe that he even got out in the first place. Do the police think that he is going to be coming after you?”

 

“One can only assume. I am not sticking around to find out.”

 

“I’ll tell Anna and Uriel. They would want to know. Just try to keep us in the loop. Otherwise we’ll worry too much.” Gabe reached out and gave Cas another quick hug and then turned to Dean, “Take care of him.”

 

“I will.” Then the lights flickered and went out. The only illumination was coming from the distant glow of the exit signs that were over the doorways to the stairwells. There was one stairwell in front of them and one behind them. The eerie green glow did not provide light to the very dark hallway, instead it seemed to create shadows. Cas felt Dean’s hand on his arm. “Inside, now.” They both jumped a little at the sound of the shrieking that pierced the darkness. The fire alarms were going off. They were the type that not only blasted out electronic screeches, they also flashed intensely bright white light every couple of seconds.

 

There were doors opening all up and down the hallway. People were coming out in various stages of dress. “Is there a fire? Should we stay in Gabe’s place anyway?” Cas asked.

 

“I don’t know yet. Give me a second.” The group in the hall had grown as more people began pouring into the space. They were heading to the stairwell by the elevator as a small herd. “Stay with the crowd.” The three of them began moving as a group. They were pressed together as they made their way through the stairwell door.

 

“Dean.” Cas turned and saw that Jorge had joined them. “I am going to try to get ahead of the crowd to see what is happening. I couldn’t get Tom or Carl on the walkie. Something is wrong. Be on your guard.”

 

With that Jorge pressed ahead of the group and slinked his way past the others that were ahead of them. The stairwell was rather dark. It was punctuated with light from the fire alarms that kept flashing to the beat of Cas’ steps. Just as his eyes adjusted to the dark there was another flash of light that blinded him. The noise was doing nothing to help with his rattled nerves. _Why aren’t the emergency lights coming on?_

 

Cas’ place was on the top floor of the 25 story high rise. They had a long way to descend before they would reach the outside world. With each floor, more people poured into the stairwell. They had gotten down to the 19th floor. The crowd was shuffling forward slowly, politely, until suddenly the stairwell took on the scent of smoke. That was when Cas had noticed that the crowd had begun moving against the tide back up the stairwell toward them.


	63. It Was Always Burning

The crush of the crowd was fast upon them. Cas felt Dean getting pushed away from him. Gabe was still nearby. The people down below were screaming. The stairwell seemed to be filling with smoke from several floors down. They were all pouring out of the stairwell and back into one of the halls. Dean had snaked back through the crowd and had grabbed a hold of his arm. “Stay close.” His voice gravelled out in Cas’ ear.

 

People were pouring into the hall from the other stairwell too. Gabe shouted over the noise. “Where should we go?”

 

Dean was pushing past people. He did not let go of Cas though, and somehow he still had the two duffle bags too. His was now slung across his back. “Do the condos have fire escapes?”

 

“Yes, there are two per floor. They line up with the condo that would be just past my place and the place on the opposite side of the building, across from Gabe’s place.” Cas informed them. “The architect threw them in because they made the building blend in better with the others in the neighborhood. I never thought that they were actually usable.”

 

Dean seemed to be surveying the hall to determine which door would lead them to the fire escape. Once he had made his determination he raised his gun and shot out the lock. The crowds that were around them, screamed more and shrank away from them. “It’s okay.” Dean called out. “We just have to get the door open so that we can get to the fire escape.” The crowds seemed to calm a little. Dean dragged Cas into the now open room with him and Gabe followed. They made their way to the far wall and the windows. “Where is it?” Dean turned to Gabe and Cas.

 

“This way.” Gabe made his way past them to the bedroom and to the window. “Here.” There was an eight foot by four foot metal landing with a hole leading to thin metal stairs. Cas looked down and saw the distant lights of fire engines making their way to them. _Good more people._

 

The lower levels appeared to be glowing with the fire that was there. They descended, past row after row of landings, the clinking of the metal steps above and around them. Cas could smell the smoke now, wafting up to his nose. The heat hit him next as they drew closer to the burning floor. It was still several floors above the lobby. A blast punched the air just as they got to the fire. It blew the windows from their frames with such force that Cas nearly fell back off of the landing. “Whoah, hang on, Cas.” Dean reached back and grabbed him. “We need to pick up the pace before anything else explodes.”

 

 

They got past the fire. It was above them now. The sound of the others scrambling down the fire escape above them was unnerving. Cas felt like he needed to go faster than was possible. Then he saw the dark form below them and just past the lobby entrance. It looked like A. “Dean!” He shouted as he grabbed him and yanked him down. A raised his gun up and fired off a shot. It ricocheted off of the wall just above them. Dean pulled out his gun and fired back. Then he aimed at the window to his left and fired.

 

The glass shattered and Dean yelled, “Go in!” A was pressed back inside the lobby doorway. He leaned out and fired again. Dean shot back. The crowds below were scattering. The people above them were rushing back up the fire escape. Cas and Gabe went into the condo window. Dean followed them in. A shot glanced off of the window frame in Dean’s wake. “We can’t stay in here. The floors up above aren’t going to last long.

 

Cas and Gabe were making their way to the hall with Dean just behind them. He kept casting glances back at the window to be sure that A had not gotten to the window behind them. They went out into the hall. Dean whispered as they made their way to the stairwell, “Let me go first. He could be down there.”

 

“Be careful, Dean.” Cas whispered back. They slipped into the stairwell and began slinking down along the wall. There was a roar of sound coming from above them as the ceiling began collapsing several floors up.

 

“I feel like we are being herded. Why aren’t the goddamn fire sprinklers coming on?” Dean was still pressed against the wall as they made their way to the door that would open onto the lobby. There was another door to the left though too. “Where does the other door go?”

 

“Down to the garage and the lockers” Cas answered.

 

“Do you have your keys? Can we get to your car or your bike?”

 

“I have the keys to the bike. It is closer too.” Cas felt like each second that they spent there was growing more and more dangerous.

 

Dean opened the door and they went in, just as they heard footsteps coming from above. Gabe let the door close quietly behind them and then they ran down the short flight of stairs and across the too quiet space toward the lockers. “Gabe, will you be able to find your way out of here without us?”

 

“Trying to get rid of me already, Dean?”

 

“You’ll be safer if you separate from us. He’s not after you.”

 

Gabe seemed to consider it for a moment and then he nodded his agreement. “Be safe. I’ll send help back in for you.” Dean motioned him past. Cas watched him leave and then glanced back at the doorway to the garage. A had not entered yet. _What was taking him so long?_ They rounded the corner to Cas’ locker and Cas pulled out his key. He stooped to open it and fumbled just a little. He got the door open though, just as he heard the quiet sound of someone approaching, the steps echoing in the silence.

 

From just behind him Dean fired his gun again. “Get her started. I’ll cover.” Cas rushed for the bike and started her up. A shot hit the inside of the locker. Dean leaned out just slightly at the edge and returned fire. Then Cas saw the distant set of headlights come on across from them. The vehicle began moving toward them.

 

“Come on Dean.” Cas revved up the engine and Dean jumped on behind him. As they tore from the locker Dean turned and fired off another shot behind them toward A, who was taking cover by a parked car. The vehicle coming toward them was getting dangerously close. Cas took the turn up to the surface a little too fast. He felt the bike start to slide. Dean held tight. They didn’t lose control. The bike shot up out of the garage and Cas sped through the dark street toward what he hoped would be traffic. He could lose the car in traffic.

 

Dean shouted over the noise of the wind. “It had to be his brother. There’s no way that A could have been so mobile after the injuries that he had.”

 

Cas was weaving around some cars stopped at a red light that he ignored, barreling ahead past the noise of honking. “Is he still following us?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“At least now there is only one of them.” Cas shouted back. He took a turn shot to the end of an alleyway and then turned again onto a main street. _Too empty. Find some goddamn cars, Cas._ The sound of squealing tires pierced the night. He could feel Dean turn a little. He held out his gun and fired off another shot at the car.

 

“I think that the driver is A,” Dean shouted. And then, there it was, a glorious sight, late night traffic. There were road construction signs littering the sides of the ramp to the freeway. Cars were crawling. Cas accelerated and shot up the ramp. The car tapped them just a little before he had to brake. Cas felt himself losing control again. The bike shook. He slid to the side in a long arch. He had to put his foot down. The angle though gave him a path into the nearly parked cars that got him away from A, or A’s brother. Regaining control, he wove in and out of the spaces between the vehicles. The too bright lights of the construction poles were looming in the distance. After that, the traffic would pick up. He chanced a glance back and saw that A was crashing through the cars behind them, to get to them. There were horns honking and the sounds of metal scraping away. Cas was getting distance though. He was winning this race. He sped up more as the cars around him had started to move along at a faster clip. He powered on through the vehicles, and as he glanced back, he saw that the car had gotten a little trapped. He could breathe again. He leaned forward into the wind and felt Dean do the same. It was a posture of relief, albeit a temporary one.

 

\---

 

The fire would destroy the complex. And out of those ashes what would be reborn? Cas had already assumed that he would have to take Lil from this place, that some sort of deep hiding would have to happen. He and Dean drove in a straight path down the freeway for more than a half and hour before Cas decided that enough distance had been achieved for a safe exit. They had been heading in the wrong direction. Sam’s house was north, and they were heading south. He took the next exit and followed the surface streets north. He intended to take those streets as far as he could before venturing onto another freeway. He did not slow his pace, despite the change in the road. Dean squeezed his arm. “Pull over.”

 

He slowed, and settled the bike near a curb. “What?”

 

“We should call Sam.” Dean pulled out his phone, sent the call, and then held the phone to his ear. After a few moments,  “Voice mail.”

 

Cas felt his stomach drop at Dean’s words. Something was wrong. Sam would answer. There was no way that he wouldn’t answer. “We need to go.” Dean nodded back, clearly seeing the situation for what it was. They tore off again, this time Cas reformulated his route. There was a freeway entrance two miles up the road. He was calculating time in his mind. Adding the minutes that they spent speeding away. _Could A have made it to Sam’s place? How could he know where Sam lived? Of course he would know._ It would be easy to know it, just as it would be easy to know that Dean was Sam’s brother, just as it would be easy to know just how connected the three of them had become. The wind bit into his face, a chill that seemed to mock the night of fire. He was willing the distance to lessen. There was too much distance. _He could do too much with the time that we have given him._

 

They were on the freeway, racing back and forth through the lanes. The cars around them were moving at a decent clip. There was no traffic holding things up. Within minutes though they hit the city center, more exits, more entrances, more cars to navigate around. The brake lights ahead burned red against them. Cas took the far shoulder and accelerated past several cars before edging back into the carpool lane. The lane was mostly clear. The lanes to the right were slowing, braking, and shifting to the left. He was seeing the fire with each car that he passed. The fire that stole his little world tonight, the fire that could have stolen everything that really mattered, but instead only took things. _The fire._ And his mind hit on something else. His world and Dean’s world had both gone up in flames. The difference, Dean lost his mother. Cas wondered what he would lose before the night was through with him.


	64. Let it Burn

They finally reached Sam’s house to find the yard dark and foreboding. “Too quiet.” Dean whispered as they got off of the bike. They made their way toward the house with quiet movements along the edge of the building. “Stay close.” Dean raised his arm out and pressed it against Cas to move him against the wall. The front door of the house was opening as they drew closer. Then a voice called down to them.

 

“‘Hello, boys. You finally made it. Thought that I was going to have to start the party without you.” Cas could see A’s gaunt frame just past the door. He was holding Lil in front of him. “Oh, who am I kidding? I already did start the party. Now, put the gun down, Dean, or I might have to go back to my fun little game with Lil.” She whimpered in his arms, but she did not speak. Cas started to rush toward her.

 

“Let her go!” Cas yelled.

 

“Now, that will be close enough.” Cas couldn’t see well enough in the dark, but he stopped in his rush the moment that he heard Lil’s piercing scream. “So many pokable parts on this little thing. Should I make her into a little pin cushion while you watch, or should I shoot her in the back, like you did to me? Poetic justice right, Cas?”

 

“Just tell me what you want. I’ll do it. Whatever it is, I’ll do it.” Cas was desperate. He was holding out his hands in front of him, placating and begging all at once.

 

“You stay there. Send your boyfriend into the house. I have something to show him.” A stepped back from the door and said, “Come on, Dean. Join the party. Your brother is already here and I’m afraid he just couldn’t hang with the big dogs.” A laughed in an odd hollow way that added to the hysteria that was careening about in Cas’ body. Dean had set down his gun, and he was now moving slowly up the stairs to the front door.

 

A had eased back further into the house, and Dean reached out to the screen door that was separating them. He opened it and stepped in. “Oh, God, Sammy! You son of a bitch, I’ll kill you. I swear to God, you are dead.”

 

“Oh, such bravado, boy. You sound just like your brother. Now take a seat.” Cas couldn’t see what was happening but he could hear Dean silently moving about inside.

 

“What are you doing?” Dean asked after a few moments of quiet.

 

“Just making sure that I don’t have to deal with you while I have my little conversation with Mr. Novak.  By the way, Dean, I was just telling your brother how much I like what you are both doing with this place. You'd almost never know that a lady was BBQ’d in here.”

 

Dean’s growl of frustration was followed by the sounds of struggle. Cas began making his way up the steps.

 

“Are you going to scream like she did? Are you going to cry?” A’s mocking tone was crawling out the door to Cas’ ears. He wanted to hurt him, but how?

 

“Let the kid go. You have me now. You don’t need anymore captives. You certainly don’t need to hurt a kid.” Cas could hear Dean trying to sound convincing despite the fear that laced his words.

 

"Oh, Dean. I am just getting started. I haven't told you this, but, I really hate cops. The holier than thou attitudes and the moral upkeep, just about kills me every time that I encounter them. So, when you thought that you were joining Niveus in secret, I saw this as so perfect. Here was this stupid cop, thinking that he had fooled everyone, falling right into my hands." He stopped speaking for a moment then continued. "When I found out more about you, who you were, more importantly, who your mother was, I just about died laughing. How perfect, really was my life?" He laughed again at his words and then pressed on, "I have waited for this moment for so long. It feels like it has been forty, goddamn years, my boy. It has been a long con for you. Thankfully, my employer let me play with you. I fed you so much. You would take two steps forward then I would find ways to send you back with so much misinformation. God, it was so good watching you hope and fall, hope and fall." Cas was at the screen now and he could see in. "You might as well join us, Cas."

 

Cas opened the screen and crossed over. The sight that met his eyes was a tableau of the macabre. Sam was slumped over in a chair with his hands bound behind him. His face was a patchwork of bruises and blood. There was a split in the skin just above his eyebrow that was oozing blood down his face. Dean was bound to a separate chair across from Sam. “Lil. I’m here. You’ll be okay. I promise.” Lil’s body was on the couch now, just a couple of steps away. Lil didn’t move or respond. It was then that he noticed the way that her head was drooping back in an awkward angle.

 

“Sorry, baby can’t talk right now.” A mocked him with a sneer. “Poor little fool. Thought you had it all figured out, didn’t you?” Cas leveled his stare at A. A had his gun aimed at him. In his belt was a long bowie knife, smeared with blood.

 

Cas threw his glance around the room, looking for a solution. There was a smell assailing his senses. The smell of fuel. “What are you going to do?”

 

“Just a couple of things. Nothing to worry your pretty little head about.” He twisted his mouth into a half grin. He waved his gun at Cas in a way that was meant to move him. “Put your hands up on the wall there.”

 

Cas complied when he saw the way that A next looked down at Lil. “I can get you the file.”

 

“I already have that.” A laughed as he responded. Cas could feel A at his back. He pressed up against him, running one hand up Cas’ side to his arms, then his wrist. “Do you think that Dean likes what he is seeing?”

 

Cas turned just a little and caught Dean’s eyes with his. Dean was being uncharacteristically quiet. Cas knew that he was calculating. They were in a tight spot. Sam was unconscious. Something was wrong with Lil. Dean was bound. Cas was about to be bound too. The house smelled of gasoline. He looked back into A’s eyes that were too close to him. _God, he’s planning to burn us alive._

 

He had to respond. Cas knew that once he was bound that A would light the place on fire. He did not know what to do though. A pulled out a zip tie and slipped it over Cas’ hand. He was moving over Cas’ body in a lascivious manner, casting pointed glances over his shoulder at Dean. It seemed to be about the slow torment for A than about the end result which could only be their deaths. Cas’ arm was being pulled down behind him. “Lower your other arm, lover.” Cas decided that now was the moment to fight. He moved swiftly into a crouch, spinning around, he landed a punch into A’s side. It sent A back a step, but it did not topple him. A raised his arm and aimed his gun at Cas. Cas did not hesitate. He rushed him, sending A back onto the floor, gun flying from his hand. A was breathing heavily as Cas scrambled to gain the upper hand. He was on A now slamming his fists into him. A shifted his weight and Cas tumbled back.

 

A took the opportunity to pull his bowie knife from his belt. He slashed out at Cas, cutting through the front of his shirt. Cas felt the slight sting of the cut on his skin. Cas scrambled toward the gun. “Oh, no you don’t.” A caught him by the leg and pulled him back. Cas felt the bite of the knife in his leg. He kicked out, landing it on A’s arm. A was up now. Cas could feel the deep burn and the warm, wet blood on his leg. It wasn’t a deep cut, but it wasn’t easy to ignore. Cas was making a move toward A, but A had already gotten an advantage. He had pulled back Dean’s head and pressed his knife to his adam’s apple. Cas froze in his movement.

 

“I’m going to cut him.” A glared over at him. “Next time, you’ll do what you are told.” He ran the knife down Dean’s chest. He angled it toward Dean’s thigh. He slowly pressed the tip through Dean’s jeans into his leg. Dean’s face contorted in pain, but he did not make a sound beyond the change to his breathing. A was twisting the knife just slightly. A millimeter back and forth. Cas was afraid to try rushing him again because he knew that his leg would not propel him forward fast enough. A could easily move the knife up to Dean’s neck and end everything before Cas could do a thing. “Now, we are going to do this differently this time. Lay down over there. I’m going to truss you up like a pig.”

 

Dean spoke. “Keep fighting him, Cas.” A twisted the knife a little more.

 

The smell, the pain, the look on Dean’s face caused him to grow dizzy. The hall behind A seemed to move. Cas swayed a little. Dean’s mom died there, down that hall, all those years ago. The movement down the hall seemed to become more tangible. There was white in the dark. Cas tore his eyes from it and lowered himself to the floor as A had directed. A was standing over him now. He turned his head up to look at him and saw that he was flicking a match. The flame danced about in front of A’s face before he tossed it away from him. The flame caught. “I am done with you.” A was reaching down to tie up Cas while the fire began lapping up the walls.

 

“Goddamn it Cas, fight!” Dean yelled at him.  A reached out and backhanded Dean.

 

“Oh, shut up, already.” He turned his attention back to Cas. His arms were pulled together. He could feel the bite of the tie digging into his wrists. Cas had his head turned to the side, watching the hall.

 

He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again. He looked up at Dean then back along the floor toward the hall. _I see you._ It was growing closer. At first it seemed to be transparent, clothed in white. A ghost. A lady in white. He held his breath. The flames were building. He spoke quietly. “I don’t understand what you want.”

 

A didn’t answer right away. He stood up over Cas. Cas stared at his feet; he did not look up at his face. “Did it ever occur to you that I just like what I do. Just so you know, I’ll be taking the girl with me.” There was white behind A now, but Cas did not raise his eyes to it. He felt that if he looked at the specter that it would vanish. Somehow he knew that he needed her there, that she was goodness and light in the world that was burning into darkness around them.

 

The sound of cracking wood was harsh in his ears. The next thing that he noticed was A’s body falling down beside him. His face was turned to Cas, blood was flowing from the side. He was not moving. He felt gentle fingers fumbling with his wrist ties, the cool press of the knife cutting through, and then he was free. He looked up and saw, not a ghost, but a woman in white, Jess. The fire was spreading fast now. Jess used A’s knife to undo Dean and he took it from her to get Sam. “Get out of here,” He said to them. Cas scooped up Lil from the couch. He could feel blood on her. He stumbled with her out to the yard. Jess was behind him. Dean was dragging Sam’s large frame from the house. He was struggling with him. Cas set down Lil and rushed up to help. They each pulled at Sam’s arms, dragging him out. Neither of them was strong enough to lift him. They got him to the yard. Jess grabbed him and pressed kisses into his battered head. “Be okay, be okay.” She kept repeating.

 

Before Cas could return to Lil, Dean was turning back to the house. The fire was out of control now. He seemed to be contemplating going in. “What are you doing, Dean?” Cas grabbed him.

 

Dean pulled away from Cas. “He knows too much to die. I can get it out of him. I have to go in and get him.” Dean was already rushing back to the fire.

 

Cas grabbed him again. “It’s not worth it. The fire is too strong now.”

 

Dean seemed to be desperate to get back in there. He was obviously wrestling with the decision. A lifetime of effort could all come down to the decision made in this moment. He let out a noise of exasperation. “What do I do?”

  
Cas held his gaze and said, “Let it burn.”


	65. Don't Look Back

That night had been long. The house did burn, and Dean did not return to the fire. They watched it while waiting for an ambulance to come take them away. Dean and Cas got a few stitches a piece. Sam got quite a few more. His face was a mottled palette of blues, yellows, and purples, and now he had a lengthy row of stitches rolling up his forehead to complement the picture.

 

Lil was another story. Cas had been glued to her bedside. The knife wound that A had inflicted would not have been so bad had the victim been an adult. Lil was so small though. She had lost a lot of blood and ended up with an infection on top of it. Her body was struggling to survive. It was all too similar in Cas’ mind to when M was injured. He cooed over her and held her hand. When he couldn’t stay conscious anymore, Dean took over. The doctors had her hooked up to IVs. Wires ran to her chest and hand from monitors cataloguing everything from her blood oxygen levels to her heart rate, and her temperature. They had spoken with Jorge. Dean did most of the talking. Jorge had been concerned because, A’s brother had not been found yet. They had assumed that it was A that had been in the house, but they had no solid proof. He spoke to them with a familiarity that seemed to be A, but Jorge wondered if it was possible that the brothers had both been involved with Niveus.

 

Jorge decided that, instead of wondering, he would just question Lucky again, but Lucky had an attorney present this time. Jorge did get to ask about the brother though. Lucky said that he knew him, and he verified that the brother had worked with Niveus too. He had minimized the connection though, called it employment as a favor to A. He also gave a name, Al. Jorge had tried to joke, "Well, I guess he got the bonus letter in the family."

 

On the night that they were attacked, Jorge had tried to find the two officers that had been stationed in the lobby. It wasn’t until after the fire that their bodies were discovered. Jorge had stationed an officer in the hospital because of this. A and his brother had done more than just kill the two men, they had mutilated the bodies and left them in a closet. There was something about that. The fact that they took extra time to do this showed a level of psychosis and cruelty that made Jorge worry all the more about the one that got away.

 

It did not matter that there was an officer watching their room. Neither Dean or Cas would leave Lil alone. Sometimes they would split the watchful duty so that one of them could go downstairs for food or to get coffee. A few days into their vigil and Cas needed to meet with Gabe. Dean was on Lil duty while Cas took a walk down to the cafeteria. He saw Gabe across the rows of tables. He grabbed a pre-packaged sandwich, paid and made his way over to join him. “Hey, Cas. How’s Lil doing?”

 

“Same. I keep clinging to every little thing the doctor says, like it will convince me that she is getting better.” Gabe reached over and pressed his hand to Cas’ arm.

 

“I’m so sorry. I wish that I knew what to say.” They lingered in silence for a few minutes. Cas decided to eat his sandwich. It was largely unappealing, but he powered through.

 

“Do I need to redo the paperwork that I gave you the other night?” Cas was ready to dive into the subject at hand.

 

“No, I still have the envelope. I was even able to go back in and get your bag. You left it in your storage locker. The building is a mess, but the garage didn’t burn, so we were allowed to claim our vehicles.”

 

“I guess that means that you will still be driving a Mini huh?” Cas made an attempt at humor with his tone.

 

“Yeah, guess so. Do you really want me to sell off everything? And what should I tell Zach?”

 

“Yeah, sell it all. I need to do a power of attorney that will allow you to take care of my insurance for the condo. As far as Zach goes, you can tell him whatever you want. I’m done there.  I know that I am asking for a lot, but I honestly don’t know who else could do this like you.” Cas pressed his head into his hands. “I am going to need the funds to start over.”

 

Gabe reached over again and took Cas’ hands. “Look, I’ll do whatever you need. You have to take care of yourself though. You look like you are about to pass out. You have to stay well.”

 

Cas looked back and said, “I’m trying, Gabe. I really am.” He paused and then continued, “The money that you are able to gather from the sales of my assets, should go into the account that I have given to you. We’ll be living off of that for a month or two, before I get a job.”

 

“Cas, you have a lot of assets. I don’t think that you’ll exhaust them in just a month or two. You could live pretty well for quite some time.” He paused a moment then continued. “Consider it done, though. I’ll be quick and efficient.” They both stood together, and Gabe handed Cas the duffle bag that he had recovered.

 

“I want you to keep a cut of the money too. It will make me feel like less of a jerk.”

 

“We’ll see. I wouldn’t feel like much of a friend if you paid me.” They started walking out of the cafeteria when Cas’ phone buzzed.

 

He checked it; it was Dean. _Come back up. Lil’s awake._

 

\---

 

He was walking at a fast clip down the hall to the room. He spotted Sam and Jess in the hall just outside of Lil’s room. Jess was never far from Sam these days. She seemed to always maintain some sort of physical contact with him, a hand on his shoulder, an arm pressed to his side as he sat in the waiting room. She had given them her perspective from the night at the house. She had been in the back of the house when A showed up. Luckily, she had had enough sense of the situation to hide. A had not known that she was there. She had struggled through hearing A beating Sam. She had been looking for a weapon, but had not found anything suitable. She had told them that it had been the longest hour of her life.

 

A had taken his time with Sam. Jess had shown tremendous strength by not rushing out to him. She planned and plotted with each punch that was landed. Sam had pushed down all responsive noises until A had turned his attention to Lil. She had been largely ignored by the monster until Sam had become boring to him. Jess was going to make her move then. Dean and Cas had shown up though, and that changed things. She had found a wooden beam from the construction that Sam had been doing on the back of the house. She had snuck up on A and hit him over the head while he was distracted by Cas.

 

Cas told her that he thought that she was a ghost. Now, as he looked at her, Sam at her side, he still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was something more than just this woman. She was their angel. She had saved them that night, from the Hell that A had planned for them all. He saw her smile at him as he made his way into the room. His eyes fell on Lil. She was looking back at him. This was what mattered. This was what Jess had truly saved.

 

Cas rushed over to Lil and threw his arms around her. “Munchkin. You finally woke up.” He was crying and kissing her head. She was small in his arms.

 

“Careful with her, Cas.” Cas looked up at Dean. His eyes were misty too. He had his hand on the bed railing. He reached out though and ran it along Cas’ arm. Cas eased back.

 

“Sorry, Lil. Did I hurt you.” Cas looked down at her.

 

“No, Cas. I feel funny.” She looked at her hands a little.

 

“The doctors are giving you lots of medicine right now. They don’t want you to hurt while you heal.” Cas was watching her carefully for signs of other traumas.

 

“What happened to me?”

 

Dean interrupted, “We can talk about that later. No sense in dwelling on that.” Dean threw a pointed look at Sam in the doorway. Sam and Jess subtly moved out of view. Cas guessed that Dean was trying to minimize the things that Lil was being exposed to. Maybe she wouldn’t remember that night. Seeing too much of Sam’s face, would not help the situation. Cas held her hand and sat at her side.

 

“Maybe we can get out of this stuffy hospital soon, now that you are awake.” Cas was worried and happy at the same time. Lil looked at him and smiled. In that moment, Cas felt his resolve deepen. He had been planning to leave, but there was always one sticking point, Dean. He couldn’t completely accept the idea of leaving without him. No matter how much he planned, or how much he told himself that it was happening, he still kept thinking that maybe Dean would change his mind. Maybe he would go too.

 

That smile though. That smile was it for Cas. Lil trusted him, despite his never truly earning it. She smiled at him through all of the things that had happened to her in the short time that he had known her. She smiled at him, and it was everything. He would give them a redo. He would give her a world apart from all of this mess that they were in. He would never regret leaving. He would never look back.

  
That’s what he told himself while he sat at her side holding her hand. That’s what he told himself when Dean reached over and placed his hand over theirs. That’s what he told himself again when he looked over into Dean’s eyes memorizing every small detail of his face as if the opportunity might not present itself again. He did all of this because that is what you do when you love someone so innocent and pure. You let your dreams go so that they can have a chance.


	66. Wake Up Where the Clouds Are Far Behind Me

From the moment that Cas realized that he had fallen for Dean Winchester, his life had not been the same. True, he had already felt himself careening down a wild path of emotions even before it was love, but once it was love, everything changed. He felt a sense of purpose and vitality that had been lacking before. He looked at Dean and he felt connected in a way that was profound. Now, when he looked at Dean, he seemed to know what he was thinking even before Dean had to say a word. This was what was making it so hard.

 

Cas knew, when Lil smiled at him from that hospital bed, that he would go to the ends of the earth to protect her. He knew that she was now the center of his universe, and that nothing else would ever matter as much as her. He also knew in his own way, that no matter what words he could conjure, that Dean would not go with them when it finally came time to leave. He knew it. Knowing it, though, did not make it any easier.They each had their own ideas concerning what it meant to protect the ones that you love. For Cas, the solution was running and hiding. For Dean it was a systematic removal of the threats found in the universe. It was Dean’s own version of the War on Terror. It was a potentially endless mission with no clearly definable conclusion.

 

A small part of him wanted to blame Dean, to tell him that he was wrong to stay behind. Part of him wanted to make him feel guilty for choosing this so-called mission over them. He couldn’t do that to Dean though. He knew how those words would live on in his head, and he knew that saying them out loud would not change the choices that Dean felt he had to make.

 

Cas knew that Dean needed to see his case through, that it was important. He also knew that solving this great mystery would be complicated, if it was even possible. The answers would not present themselves all wrapped in a tidy little box. Discovery had already eaten up the best years of Dean’s life. How many more would he have to give up in pursuit of this elusive truth?

 

Cas worried about how their leaving would impact Dean. He worried that Dean might forget over time what mattered. He worried that Dean would lose his humanity. It was important to Cas that he not lose that. It seemed to Cas that Dean was willfully throwing himself onto a pyre by staying and working the case. It seemed to Cas that Dean could not see a life for himself that involved peace. He deserved peace, but Cas would never be able to convince him of it. He knew all of this, yet some words would have to be exchanged. He just had to figure out a way to do this without leaving behind too much damage. He knew Dean too well, and he knew that whatever he said today, would linger long after.

 

He had to decide what needed to linger. What should Dean carry with him as they each moved forward in their separate ways? That was the question. Cas wanted Dean to know that he was loved. He wanted him to know that he mattered. He wanted him to feel self-worth. He wanted him to know that no matter what, he would be waiting for him. That last part was important; it was vital. He could tell that Dean was already constructing his future, just as he had tried to convince Cas that his past was happy before he had come along to ‘muck it up.’ Cas couldn’t change his opinion on that score, but he could try to make his future plans clear. _You are it, Dean Winchester. Just you. Always._ He had said so much before, and so had Dean to him, but it bore repeating. Bobby had made the point rather well before. Despite it all, Dean had to know what mattered, so that he would know there was something worth living for when all of this was done. He had to know, and Cas had to make sure that he could feel the truth of it before he left.

 

Their time in the hospital stretched out over a week before the doctors felt that Lil could safely be released. She was a fighter, and everyone was impressed by her ability to bounce back so well. Cas had decided to take Bobby up on an offer that he had made earlier in the week. He told Cas that they could stay at his place as long as they needed to. “Just consider my place home until you find one of your own.”Jess and Sam would be staying there too. It would be a full house. Safety in numbers. Cas viewed the offer as generous, and he felt that Bobby’s place was likely the last place on earth that he thought of as truly safe. He would put his plans for moving together during the time at Bobby’s. It would be easier there than it had been in the hospital, especially now that Lil’s recovery seemed solid. Dean would be there too, of course, and there would be time enough for them to talk.

 

\---

 

The drive to Bobby’s house was a coordinated effort. Cas had his Triumph and Dean had the Impala. Lil rode with Dean, and Jess and Sam followed them in their car. Some shopping had occurred, and there were groceries and other items going to Bobby’s in Jess and Sam’s car.

 

Lil had not said anything about the night that they were attacked. It seemed to nearly everyone that she had no memories of any of it. Cas did not agree with the group’s assessment. He thought that he saw something in her eyes that seemed scared. He worried that she would wake up one day with all of the memories of that night looming large over her. He worried about how much it would overwhelm her. He saw something behind her eyes when she inevitably saw Sam’s face. It was something like recognition or the beginnings of a tempest viewed from a far off shore.

 

The doctor had ordered that Lil be confined to the bed for a few more days. She would need to take it easy even when she was out of bed. This gave Cas more of a timeline to work with. He was planning to take the Triumph, and Lil would not be able to ride with him on it just yet. He had considered taking a car, but the motorcycle seemed like a good escape vehicle. It had served him well, so far, and it made him feel a little safer.

 

He carried her up to Dean’s room and placed her on the bed. Sam and Jess took the other room. Dean took a seat at the window and said, “I’ll stay up here with her. Bobby said that he wanted to talk with you a bit.”

 

“Do you know what about?” Cas brushed back some of Lil’s hair and turned to Dean.

 

“A little. It is about the plans that you are making and not talking about.” Dean gave him a pointed look, and Cas felt a little guilty. Just because he could read Dean, it didn’t mean that they shouldn’t be talking about this.

 

“I’ll talk with you. It just hasn’t been convenient yet.”

 

“Will anything with us ever be convenient?” Dean cast him a wry grin, got up, and walked up to him. He pulled him to him and they stood like that for a moment, holding each other and looking down at Lil.

 

“You feeling okay, Lil?” Cas asked as he broke away from Dean.

 

“Umhuh.” Lil muttered. She was tired. The trip to the house had nearly sent her off to sleep until they hit Bobby’s road. The potholes drove her back into the land of consciousness.

 

“Dean’s going to stay up here with you while I go down to talk with Bobby.”

 

“Okay, Cas.” She closed her eyes again, and Cas took that as his sign to leave.

 

He meandered his way down the stairs, past the piles of books toward the kitchen. He could hear Bobby bustling around in there. He appeared to be constructing the beginnings of a large meal for the whole lot of them. “Hey Bobby,” Cas said as he moved over to the counter beside the man.

 

“So, Dean sent you down?” Bobby did not stop his work, but he did glance over at Cas. “Seems like we always have our little chats while cooking.” Bobby grinned over at him.

 

“Well, we did talk out on the porch once too.” Cas smiled back. “So what was it that you wanted to talk about?”

 

“Dean told me that you have been making plans. He told me that you and Lil are going to run off and hide.”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“Well, I have been putting some things together for you two. Before you go, I need to give them to you.”

 

“What things?”

 

“Some things to make a restart easier. You see, I have a little side business that Dean has to ignore, mostly. I make documents for those that might need them. I’m pretty good too. Dean supplied your name, so, don’t blame me if you don’t like it.”

 

“I don’t think that I’m following you.”

 

“I made you a new license and social along with some birth certificates for both you and the little one.”

 

“Oh, you are a man of many talents, Bobby.” Cas began helping with the vegetables that were laid out on the cutting board. “So what is my new name?”

 

“Malcolm Young. Dean said that it was a name from one of his bands. He decided that you should be a singer, I reckon.” Bobby was tossing items into a large pot. Apparently, they were having stew tonight.

 

“You didn’t, by any chance, make up some paperwork for him too, did you?” Cas was trying not to sound too hopeful. He knew that it was pointless.

 

“No. He said that he did not need anything. I guess that means that I’m stuck with him. Sure hope he doesn’t go back to being miserable all of the time. It was pretty bad. I was throwing so much work his way from the yard because I thought that it would distract him. Most days it worked. Sometimes it didn’t.”

 

“I keep hoping that he’ll change his mind. He needs this too, you know.”

 

“I know. He won’t go though. It isn’t you. It’s him. He needs to feel like he is fixing this.”

 

“Do you think that there is a chance that I can change his mind?”

 

“No. I think that he is a bit stubborn in this regard. He gets that from both of his parents.”

 

Cas raised the cutting board up to the large pot and scrapped in the vegetables that he had chopped. They worked alongside each other in companionable silence. Cas eventually had nothing more to do though, so he ventured to the fridge to find a beer. Sam had stocked them up, so there were bottled beers in front of the cans of beer that Bobby typically bought. Cas snagged a bottle and popped the cap off at the counter. He took a seat at the kitchen table and waited for Bobby to join him. He did not think that they had anything else to talk about, but he was not ready to join Dean again. He knew that seeing him meant talking about his plans, which also meant that it was all real and done.

 

“What will all of this mean?” Cas wondered aloud.

 

“You leaving?” Bobby joined Cas at the table. Cas nodded by way of an answer. “I think that it means that you’ll need to move on with your life and eventually, so will Dean.”

 

“Do you think that he will? I mean, move on.”

 

Bobby seemed to consider his answer first. “I hope so.”

 

Cas tried not to look sad. He couldn’t make eye contact with Bobby. “If I am being honest, I don’t want him to move on, but it would be healthy if he did.”

 

“It’s no slight to you, Cas. I just think that he has to be with someone. I don’t think that he does the solo thing well. If you can’t be here, I guess that I want him to at least have something, even if it is second best.” Cas looked up at Bobby and saw sincerity in his expression.

 

“Second best, huh?”

 

“Don’t go getting all sentimental on me. I don’t do that shit. I like you Cas. I wouldn’t let you shack up with my nephew if I didn’t. I hope that it goes without saying that, if you find yourself back around these parts, that I expect you to visit. Bring the kid. She seems tolerable, for a kid.” Bobby smiled at him.

 

“I will. I don’t think that Lil and I will be back though. I do need to find a way to establish some form of communication with you and Dean though. Something safe.” Cas had been wondering if such a bridge could be established at all without compromising their safety.

 

“Hmm, I am not sure that’s a good idea, Cas.” Bobby seemed to be thinking, then he got up and pulled open a drawer near his stove. It seemed to be a junk drawer. He came back to the table with two clunky phones and set them on the table. “You’re going to do what you’re going to do though. So, these are those month to month types of phones. If you are going to call us, get a card and use these. They aren’t traceable in the way that your current phone is. I would also throw out your old phone, or give it to Dean for safekeeping.”

 

Cas reached over and pulled the phones to himself. “Why are you giving me two of them?”

 

“One for you and one for Lil. Put in emergency numbers in case anything happens. Teach her how to use it, and then have her keep it on her at all times.” Bobby looked serious.

 

“You think that all of this will follow us?” Cas waved out an arm to encompass all that was not in the room and yet was all around them, the dangers, the intrigues.

 

“Better safe than sorry. I also don’t think that you should keep in touch with Dean. I think that it will be easier for both of you. Not to mention, if anything does go wrong in his investigation, it would not take much effort for someone to track you through his contact with you. Just saying, be careful.”

 

“I hear you, Bobby. I guess that I just wasn’t quite ready for it to be over.” Cas got up, finished off his beer, and set the bottle up on the counter. “I’m going to head up. We done?”

 

“Yeah, we’re done. Talk to Dean though. You know how he fills in the gaps with nonsense when people aren’t explicit with him. He has been filling in a lot of gaps where your plans are concerned.”

 

“I will, I just have to think of the right words to say.” Cas headed back up to the room. He stopped outside of the door and waited. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open. Dean was sitting on the window seat still. Only now he was reading. Cas walked up to him and whispered, “Has Lil been out the whole time?”

 

“Yeah. She snores a little too. It’s cute.” Dean set the book aside and tossed one leg down onto the floor, while the other stayed up on the seat. He reached out a hand to Cas beckoning him to the seat. Cas sat and leaned back into Dean’s arms. He stared off out the window and felt Dean lean down into him. “So, you have a good talk with Bobby?”

 

“It was a talk.” Cas snuggled up closer to Dean feeling his arms tighten around him a little.

 

“Are we going to talk?”

 

“I don’t know where to begin.” Cas could feel himself falling apart. He pushed it down though. He thought about before, when he was not with Dean. He compartmentalized. This emotion goes in this place. That emotion goes over there. He did what he could in that moment, redirecting his thoughts to safe places.

 

“Where will you go?” Dean was rubbing his arm. Holding him like this wasn’t the end.

 

“Jacksonville. It’s small, but not too small. We can blend in without much trouble. They have a good school. There’s a lake. I might take up fishing.” Cas tried to sound light, carefree, as if this was all just a vacation that they would come back from.

 

“I want you to be happy, Cas. Promise me that you will try to be happy.” Cas felt like he was coming apart again. He knew what Dean was saying. He wanted to explain to him just how much he would not be moving on from him. He didn’t want Dean to feel the same sense of obligation though. He thought about what Bobby had said, and he wanted Dean to be able to move on. The slightest encouragement might be enough to keep him though, and Cas felt like that was a type of cruelty. Dean deserved better.

 

So instead of a declaration of love or a moment of begging, Cas just said, “I’ll try.” He thought about how this all should end. He wondered if it would be best to spell it out, be explicit as Bobby had said. He felt Dean shiver a little against his back, and he just couldn’t do it. _It’s clear enough. It is so clear enough, goddamn it all._ And though he didn’t want to beg he pushed down and compartmentalized the next wave of emotions and asked, “You sure you can’t go with us? We can all have a redo.”

 

“If I don’t stay and finish this, you’ll never be safe. Leaving would be the most selfish thing I could do.” Cas turned a little and looked up into Dean’s face. Then Dean added, “Watching you and Lil leave will take every ounce of my resolve, and I am not sure how I am going to do it.”

 

“I wish that I could convince you to let this go. You don’t have to take on everything. This doesn’t have to be your responsibility.” Cas was trying so hard not to sound like he was losing it. He was trying to sound strong, calm. He could hear himself though, and he did not sound confident. He sounded like a desperate man. _Push it down. Get control. No more begging._

 

“Maybe I don’t need to take on everything, but I do need to take on this. It matters that I finish this.” He could feel Dean kissing his head, quietly, gently. He reached up and squeezed Dean’s hand, threading his fingers through Dean’s.

 

“I remember the first time that you held my hand. You made me see stars. I knew then that I had it bad. It was funny. There was popcorn everywhere, and I am a total neat freak, but I couldn’t think about anything else besides your hand holding mine.” Cas was sharing more than he wanted to share, but the floodgates were opened.

 

“God, I was freaking out that night. You were so fucking beautiful, Cas. I swear, I almost couldn’t take it. Then you had your hand right there. It was the least I could do. I tried to tell myself that it was friendly, nothing more. So dumb, huh?” Cas looked back at him again and he continued, “I had no clue. No goddamn clue just how much you would matter.”

 

He wanted to stop himself. He really did, but he couldn’t. He cried. He shook and pulled his legs up to his chest right there in Dean’s arms. He felt the tightly wound knot in his stomach, the cracking of the damned compartments. All of it, all at once, came flooding out. He had no words. He had no control. He just wept, and wept. Dean fell into silence and seemed to almost rock him in his arms, hands stroking his hair, his cheek. Part of Cas wanted to run, run until he couldn’t breathe, run until everything around him was a blur of broken down cars and distant green fields. He wanted to break things. He wanted to scream. He wanted to beat Dean into the ground and tell him that he was making a mistake. He wanted to tell him to choose them, just choose them, not his dead mother or some elusive justice. Because there could never be that. Nothing could ever fix that past. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted, but he couldn’t have this.

 

He breathed in long gasps. He pressed it back. He could still this tempest. He could weather this storm. He extricated himself from Dean’s arms and walked over to the bed. Lil was still asleep. He pulled back the covers and slipped in beside her. Dean watched him from the seat for a time, then Cas closed his eyes. He could hear Dean as he slowly left the room. Cas allowed himself another moment in which to cry, but it was more controlled now. He slipped into sleep, and dreams.

 

\---

He awoke a few hours later with Lil’s hand draped over his side. It was early evening. The smell of dinner was filling the air. He moved off of the bed waking up Lil as he did so. “Is it time to get up?” Lil mumbled.

 

“Yes. Are you hungry?” Cas was moving to the other side of the bed to help her get up, but she was already up without his help.

 

“I’m hungry.” She started walking out of the room.

 

“You want me to carry you? The doctor doesn’t want you doing too much.” Cas was ready to scoop her up.

 

“No. I want to walk.” So she did. She slowly took each step and when she reached the bottom she turned to Cas as if to say, see I told you I could do it myself. Cas smiled at her and they made their way to the kitchen and the noises of family.

 

“No, way. You totally lied to them and blamed me. I had to look my own mother in the eyes and tell her that I did not buy _Busty Asian Beauties._ Then she wanted to know just how said magazine had gotten into my sock drawer.” Sam was sounding rather jovial.

 

Dean interrupted Sam’s story when he saw their audience. “Well, too bad Sammy is going to have to finish this story on another day. We have company.” Dean got up and walked over to Lil. “Come on little one. You sit with me.”

 

“Saved by a kid. Don’t think that I won’t be finishing this tale of brotherly betrayal. Plus, I think that Cas maybe needs to hear this too. Guy deserves to know the kind of man he has linked himself up with.” Sam clearly hadn’t gotten the memo on where things were standing between he and Dean, and Cas wasn’t planning to add clarity to the situation, now.

 

So, he redirected. “Bobby, what smells so good? Is that the stew that you were making earlier?”

 

“Yep. Dig in. These guys practically ate the whole pot. If it weren’t for Jess here, you’d have about a spoonful left.” Jess laughed at Bobby’s exaggeration.

 

“Yeah, they are neanderthals. Dig in before they start in again.” Jess was already scooping a little into a bowl for Lil. She passed the ladle to Cas to dish up his own food.

 

“Thanks, Jess.” They ate and Dean smiled occasionally as though it was all normal. They did not talk about all that mattered. It was frivolous and carefree banter for one and all. It made Cas feel a little sick. At the same time it was what was needed. They had all had enough reality lately.

 

When dinner was done Lil and Cas meandered back into the living room while the others cleaned up. Lil walked over to the piano and poked at the keys. “Play a song, Cas.” She turned to him, and he wanted so much to say no, but he couldn’t.

 

He sat down and she joined him on the bench. “What should I play?” And it was moments like this that told him that he really was seeing something in her eyes.

 

“Play ‘Sleep.’ Play it like mom did.”

 

Cas felt a pinch in his stomach at the request. “I don’t think that I know it well enough.”

 

“Try.” She moved his hands up to the keys, as if this was all that was holding him back. He brushed his hands back and forth over them without pressing out sounds. He was mentally working out the song that he had never played.

 

After a few moments of this silent playing, he said, “Okay. I’m sorry if I ruin it.”

 

“Just play it.” She was certainly a little forceful. Cas smiled down at her and began playing. He remembered to slow it down like M had. He stretched out the notes and lingered on certain words. It wasn’t perfect, but he felt like it worked.

 

“That work for you?” He asked as he pulled his hands from the keys.

 

“Play another song,” she said, adding, “Something that you like now.”

 

Cas thought for a moment, then noticed that the others were listening from the doorway. “You all might as well come in. It’s weird if you all listen from back there.” Cas put his hands back on the keys. Dean stepped up behind him and rested his hands on his shoulders. Jess, Sam, and Bobby sat on the sofa. They all seemed to be waiting. Cas looked at each one in turn. They were each precious to him in this moment. He tipped his head back and looked up at Dean. He looked back at the keys then and began playing. The tune turned into “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” He sang it slowly like the version he had heard before from a Hawaiian singer that had made it sound like some kind of melancholy love song. Cas felt that it fit his mood.

 

The lyrics rolled out of him in a deep and sober tone. He did not lose control. _Where trouble melts like lemon drops high above the chimney top that’s where you’ll find me…_ He sang, and sang. Dean held him, and Cas felt that, if he could just keep the song going, they would never have to part. The song ended though, as it had to.

 

They said goodnight to the others and made their way up to the room. Sleep would come to them, and then there would be day, and Cas knew that he would never be ready. He did know though, that he didn’t like the waiting. The pain of it was too much.

 

\---

 

The days stretched on like this, and if one wanted to, one could forget that anything was wrong. Cas didn't want to forget. Forgetting was dangerous. No matter what transpired over these few days he knew that he was damned to his fate.

 

Each night when Cas went to bed, he wondered if tomorrow would be the day that they would leave. Lil was getting better. He could picture her handling the ride. He believed that by the end of the week that they would be gone.

 

The nights were also a time of contemplation. Dean would follow them up to bed every night. Cas would crawl in next to Lil. Dean would sit in the window seat and watch them sleep. When morning would come he would be gone. Cas didn't ask him where he went at night. He suspected that Dean got a little sleep in the window seat, but that it was too uncomfortable to offer up a whole night's rest.

 

On Thursday night, Dean crawled into bed beside him. Cas curled into him, wrapping his arm up across his chest and over Dean's shoulder. It was clear earlier at dinner that someone had clued Sammy in on Cas' plans. Everything was quieter. When he took Lil up to bed it was as though everyone knew that this was their last night.

 

Dean laid beside him now, and Cas stared at him through the dark. He watched as Dean's mouth parted a little in the early stages of sleep. The exhaustion of the week had finally caught up with him. He did not know how long he had spent watching Dean sleep, but eventually he was asleep too, and it was close to peaceful.

 

When he woke up, at 3 AM it was with a shiver that bit deep into his core. Dean was not in the bed. Lil's warmth was still at his back though. He looked to the window seat and it was empty too. Dean was gone just like Cas would be in the morning. He slipped out of the bed and walked over to the window seat. He looked out across the salvage yard and saw the glow of lights coming from the shop. The light called to him. He knew that Dean was there. He decided to go to him. Lil was soundly asleep and would be fine alone in the room for a bit with Sam and Jess right next door. He quietly made his way down the stairs. He went out the front door and was surprised by the gruff voice in the dark. “Whatcha doing up?” Bobby was sitting on the porch, rifle by his side.

 

“I couldn’t sleep. I thought that maybe Dean was up.” Cas edged out to the steps.

 

“He’s in the shop. Been making a bit of a racket out there. It has quieted down though.”

 

“What’s with the gun?” Cas pointed at the rifle by Bobby’s side.

 

“Dean and I have been taking turns with the watch. It’s been quiet, but neither one of us wants to take any chances.” Bobby waved him off. “Go. You didn’t get up in the middle of the night to talk to an old man.” Cas turned and walked down the steps and off to the shop without another word.

 

As he drew closer to the shop, he could hear the loud peals of music blasting out of the room. There was a crash as if something large and metallic had been tossed. Cas pushed open the door slowly, worried that he was, perhaps, intruding. Dean’s back was to him. There were tools from the shelves and parts scattered all around the shop. He had apparently been doing a fair amount of damage, throwing items, even smashing in the side of his car. Cas sucked in a sharp breath at the sight of it. He moved further into the room. “Dean.” Cas spoke loudly to be heard over the music. Dean jumped a little and turned to him. He looked as wrecked as the room around him. Cas wanted to make this break clean for him. He wanted to make it easy. The look on Dean’s face told him that he had failed in this regard.

 

The music still blasted around them, louder than was comfortable to Cas. It was pressing in on him, making him feel beaten with each pound of the drums, torn with each elongated note from the guitar. The voice was a scream, inarticulate and piercing. Cas stood there in that space wanting to cross the distance to Dean, wanting to tell him that he was wrong, that he would stay forever, right here. He didn’t move though. He stood frozen to the spot. It was Dean that moved first. It was Dean that walked with so much purpose, one step, two steps, three steps, and then he was on him.

 

He was pulling away Cas’ shirt as they fell back against the car. Cas felt like he should stop this, but he wanted this too much. He felt like it would only make everything more difficult in the morning, but he pushed that aside. It was a moment that he could not give up. Dean’s mouth moved over him, kissing a path from his mouth to his neck. His hands worked feverishly over Cas’ now disrobed body. He was pulling at him, clutching him, clinging to him. There was no pattern to their movements, only desperation, desire, and a chaos of need. Cas pulled off Dean’s clothing piece by piece, whenever Dean would break free long enough for him to do so.

 

Cas’ body wanted this, his mind though was weeping. He was a wretched mess. Cas held Dean tight. Dean let him at first, then he felt him pulling back to proceed with their acts. Cas felt like this was not love, but some act of distress. He felt full of Dean and empty all at once. He held him. Dean’s body moved in time with his. He cursed the night in his head that would not last forever and would also last forever. He wanted this to be different. He wanted to leave with all of the love that they had shared over their too brief time together. This was sad and it was killing him. And, yet he did not, could not, let him go.

 

Dean held him, eyes closed, and their bodies slowed then. Before it was quick and jarring. Now it was languid and touched by something else. Dean opened his eyes then and stared long into Cas’ own eyes. Cas felt less like he was dying. He felt something else entirely. He felt his last moment of love. Dean was giving him this moment and he was taking it in, memorizing it like he had so many other small moments. It would be his forever, his Heaven when life was turned to Hell. _I love you, Dean._ He thought but did not speak. Their bodies did all of their talking for them. The night, the looming day, the future all waited outside of the shop, and they would confront them in time. For now, though, there was this, and it would have to be enough to carry them onward.

 

\---

 

They did not speak in the shop even when they were done. They gathered their clothes and got dressed. Dean waited for Cas to finish pulling on his shirt before he reached over and brushed his hand across his cheek. His hand slid back to Cas’ neck and he pulled him to his chest. Cas melted into him. The music in the room was still harsh and too loud. Cas broke free from Dean, walked over to the portable stereo, picked it up and threw it as hard as he could at the far wall. The room became too quiet then. He walked back over to Dean and wrapped his arms around him again.

 

They stayed like this for a time. Cas ran his hands down to Dean’s and threaded their fingers together. He pulled him along, back to the house. Bobby was still sitting on the porch, staring out into the night. They didn’t speak. They just walked on into the house. They walked to the bedroom and Dean took his seat at the window. Cas didn’t go to the bed though. He sat with Dean instead. He pulled Dean’s hands to him now and looked at them, tracing the lines that ran along his palm. He found the lifeline and the line that was supposed to be for love. He pressed his finger along them.

 

Dean leaned down to him and brushed the dark mop of Cas’ hair out of his face. He did not kiss him. He just looked at him closely as if all of the details of this face needed to be catalogued for later. This ritual of theirs went on until the sun was rising outside. Still they did not speak. They could not speak. There was just too much that could not be changed with words.

 

Lil eventually stirred. When she got up, she joined them at the seat. She did not speak either. They got up together though and made their way downstairs to eat. Dean picked up Lil and carried her. She seemed to know that the act was more about affection, so she nuzzled into his shoulder in a type of hug. When he set her down, she took his hand and directed him to a seat beside her. Cas sat on her opposite side and allowed his gaze to move slowly back and forth from one to the other. The others joined them and they ate breakfast together in silence. They finished and Dean helped them carry down their bags.

 

Bobby came over to them as Dean was fastening the bags to the back. He handed Cas the folder containing all of his new papers. Cas slipped the folder into the duffle that Dean was fiddling with. The phones had already been stowed away. Dean walked away back into the house. “Thanks again, Bobby.”

 

“Anytime, Cas. Like I said before, you and the little one are always welcome here.” Bobby shuffled about a little, like he did not know what to do.

 

“I’m going to hug you Bobby, and it will likely be awkward.” Cas threw his arms around Bobby and hugged him tight. He released him and then Lil did the same.

 

“Well, that’s my quota of affection for the year.” He smiled though and made his way up to the porch.

 

Jess and Sam came over next. “So, you sure about this, Cas?” Sam looked saddened as he asked.

 

“You know I am.” Cas stepped over and hugged him and then turned to Jess, “I guess that I might not be around for the wedding, but just so you know, I can’t imagine a more beautiful bride.” She threw her arms around him then.

 

“Oh, shut up. Like any of that matters. Just stay, Cas. Dean needs you.” Cas couldn’t say anything. He didn’t have a way to respond to this.

 

He pulled away from her though and said, “I wish that I could. It is just not safe enough here.”

 

Jess looked sad then. “I’m sorry, Cas. I know, I know. I just can’t understand how this is it.” She was crying. Dean was back out in the yard now. He was striding over to the bike with something under his arm.

 

He reached them and stooped down to Lil’s level. Sam and Jess retreated to the porch with Bobby. “Here, munchkin. I got you something for your ride to your new home.” He held out a small helmet. She touched it tentatively and then looked up at him. “You have to protect your noggin.”

 

“Thank you, Dean.” Dean fastened it on her head and gave it a little knock. He hugged her and she clung to his waist like she would never let go.

 

Cas stepped up next and ran his hand up Dean’s arm. It was a simple gesture that carried with it a great deal of intimacy. Nothing he could say would fill their needs in this moment. He couldn’t say that he loved him without risking Dean’s potential for future relationships. He could not say anything less without seeming too cold. So he said nothing.

 

Dean spoke instead, “Be happy, Cas.”

 

“Always,” Cas replied without thinking. He looked into Dean’s eyes and said, “Be happy, Dean.”

 

“Always, Cas.” Dean kissed him then, a too brief brush of lips that said goodbye.

 

Cas and Lil got on the Triumph and the roar of the engine pierced the melancholy quiet. They slowly rolled out of the yard. Lil waved back at Dean and the others. Cas glanced back one last time and then sped up as they hit the end of the driveway and he turned onto the road.

 

\---

Love is a drug. It fills the mind with pops of color and the body with warmth. Everything is good and beautiful and oh so important with that first hit of it. It is every hit after the first that becomes a problem. It is the way that the world stops feeling like enough, because it can't be after it has been seen and felt in that way. Love is like the first hit, but sometimes love hits a person in the other ways too.

Love in its early fits of passion consume. The mind sees color and hears song. It floats about on dreams forgetting that anything else can or should be bothered with at all. True those that are in love go about the motions. They work and eat. They sleep and wake. They plod through days and weeks on ideals and platitudes. Love is just like that. It hones one in onto simple distant pinpricks of time until the rest is just sitting off on the periphery. The pinpricks of time spent with the object of one's desire burn bright in the dark, drawing one past all the other distractions. This is love.

Love makes one forget. It makes one lose the patterns and rituals of daily existence for the chaos of the unexpected, until the unexpected is something that is craved rather than feared. It is the rush one feels at the unexpected arms that sweep in and scoop one up, body and soul, into a crushing embrace. It is the beauty of an unanticipated phone call or even a kind word. It truly does a fair bit of distracting in all of its existence. It becomes so easy to lose sight of life's little necessities. Long term goals and aspirations become considerations that take on a secondary position to love. Even those can be forgotten or replaced with something that conforms to the new world of love and desire.

Love is more than this though. It is perhaps unfair to speak of it in a way that can seem so negative, for it is not always so bad to be so consumed. Love is a balm in a gritty, harsh world. Love helps one see what matters because it casts a focused glow on certain things. Love is in that way, not a drug perhaps, but an elixir of life, a reminder that life must be more than muted colors. Love is a reminder of hope. It is also a song to carry one through chaos to home.

Cas looked out at the long road ahead and then down at Lil. There was love, right there with him. It was all that mattered. It was all that could ever matter. They had been riding for some time when he decided to pull over at a rest area, just to stretch his legs. He sat on a boulder off on the side of the road, staring off at the hills. Lil's hand came up and lightly touched his shoulder. He felt her fingers press in a little. Leaving Dean was Hell. But, he could feel himself being pulled from that by her hand gripping him tight with what little strength it had. He turned away from the hills and glanced over at her. She was looking at him steadily, seeming to see the depths of his despair. "I love you, Cas. It will be alright."

"You're right, Lil. It will be. I love you too." Cas told himself that what she said was true, that it would be alright. Believing it was hard, but he could dig deep and find that one small kernel of hope, because that is what love does. It reminds you why we keep going.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much for reading my story all the way through. As this is the last chapter of this installment, I am really hoping to hear your feedback. Please share your thoughts; they bring me joy. Oh, and if you feel like it, I am on tumblr as spearywritesstuff. Sometimes I share little things that eventually end up on ao3 or elsewhere. The sequel to this work is called Dean, the Dangerous, and the Damned. If this work made you sad, I have a fluffy Christmas story that is all unicorns and rainbows to wipe away the tears with. Love and all to you. Thank you so much for reading this.


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